This one time (…in band camp) I swore my bed was possessed. I had nightmares every night I slept in it, although, to be fair, none of them involved me spewing oatmeal or cottage cheese out of my mouth while levitating or turning my head around at a 360 degree turn, and my mom, having trouble sleeping one night, slept in it while I was off sleeping somewhere else (I can only surmise I was thoroughly up to no good). That night, she too, had a nightmare.

Clearly, the bed was possessed.

My mother and I decided that the best course of action was, naturally, to perform an exorcism. I mean, what else can you do when you have a (possibly) possessed bed? We burned some sage or incense or something and put up a crucifix that my brother had (allegedly) stolen from somewhere or another chanting, “The power of Christ compels you.”

It worked. The nightmares stopped.

I hadn’t thought about possession or The Exorcist until it dawned on me that they’d made an Exorcist Part II and then I was just plain annoyed – I mean, where can you go from there? (Answer: Egypt)

Last Wednesday, I was taking a gander at the snaps I’d taken of Alex’s first day of school on my mostly-broken iPhone and realized I should probably actually export the things to my computer. There were some pretty cute snaps in there and well, how else can I put together a long montage video to play at his high school prom? I mean, I do have a therapy fund set up for the kid – I may as well do as many horrifying things as I can while I can.

I sat all happy-crappy at my computer after plugging the glorified email machine into the back, waiting to see my gloriously bad photos get imported into iPhoto. This, of course, somehow made my computer extremely unhappy, so I had to sit there for upwards of 45 seconds while it flashed the circle button, which usually means I’ve got too many tabs open at once or have been looking at Internet porn so often that I’d managed to snag me a virus.

(better than an STD, I guess, but I’m unclear as to whether or not computers can catch those things)

Instead of my craptastic pictures taken through a broken lens, I got, well, these, which I promptly framed. Possessed iPhones don’t happen every day, y’know.

possessed iPhone

Amelia decided that the small kindergarten seats were bullshit and immediately found the teacher’s seat. At the time, she was NOT, in fact, possessed, although the doll behind her makes that statement questionable.

*shudders*

possessed iPhone

And my rose, which I’d been lovingly trimming blackspot from, well, it appears to have been overtaken by The Devil. Partially.

iphone is possessed

Howdy there, Half of Alex! Happy first day of school! Don’t kill anyone, okay?

possessed iphone

Who knew the kid was divided so neatly down the line?

This is only marginally better than the time Dave’s old camera decided that all pictures forevermore would look as though they’d come from a lens dripping with Vasoline. It was quite good for the complexion, but made everything appear to have been shot in soft-core porn lighting.

I guess it’s time for another exorcism, Pranksters.

————-

Oh! And if you love music…

————

So dish! What kinds of weird crap have your electronics done over the years?

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23 Responses to Possession Is Nine Tenths Of The Law?

  • Sean Nordquist
    Twitter: beerforthedaddy
    says:

    Sadly nothing quite so exciting. Mine just decides to reboot itself periodically (read: daily) and usually RIGHT when I actually needed to do something important like, I don’t know, call someone.

  • Triplezmom
    Twitter: triplezmom
    says:

    I haven’t had anything like that happen since I used those old-fashioned cameras that weren’t attached to phones. Especially the disposable ones. Color me impressed.

  • CJ says:

    I had an alarm clock that got static-zapped so bad one morning when I went to shut it off that it tried to tell me it was 88:88 o’clock. I smelled ozone coming from it, so I unplugged it quick and left it until after work.

    When I plugged it back in to assess the damage, it worked fine. Zombie alarm clock! This happened two more times before the final fry.

  • YOU NEED SYLVIA BROWNE!!! And Montell. You need. :D

  • Jester Queen
    Twitter: jesterqueen
    says:

    When I was growing up, our phone used to make prank calls and record them on the answering machine. We’d get home and see the message light flashing. We’d hit play and hear ringing followed by either
    1) A lot of irritable “hello’s”
    or
    2) Someone ELSE’S answering machine coming on.

  • Kelly Fox says:

    Buckets of sage!!! Seriously Becky! WTH? Possessed bed, Possessed phone. Amelia and Alex are SO cute! The doll, however is terrifying.

  • Sunny says:

    Back in The Day, my brother and I used to play Nintendo together. Don’t laugh, it was THE DAY, remember? Anyway, it was the one thing that bridged the chasm between us in our relationship — we had a great time using that damn machine. Anyway, over the years, the controllers started wearing out. One of them would start making our “guy” walk backwards, or to the left of the screen. You would have Mario skipping happily towards a green mushroom ahead, and suddenly he would turn on his heels and head back the other way. We called it “The G Forces,” for whatever reason. When it would happen, we’d yell at the top of our lungs, “THE G FORCES!!!” Yep, we were quite the cool sibling pair, as I’m sure you can imagine.

  • Meredith P. says:

    Your iPhone may be possessed, but it produced some kick ass photos. I love them! :D

  • james rosario says:

    my phone did that once mad every one look really dark and evil

  • Pete In Az says:

    I tried to repair my stove with the power on.

    Once.

    Did you know that 220V makes a lot of noise when you short it out. Think, six foot tall, very angry hornet.
    Melts stuff too.

    I got a new stove the next weekend.

  • I LOVE the possessed iCan’tPhone photos. My phone just likes to refuse to allow me to answer it 1/2 the time when people call. It freezes and is all no you CAN’T talk to anyone right now, you’re to crazy. Apparently it decides when I am sane enough to answer the phone.

  • Bioblondie says:

    So once upon a time when I was a young twenty(mumble) year old, my younger brother thought it would be cute to give me an Elmo doll for Christmas. It was one of those ones that you could move his arms and legs, and for each position you put him in (hehehe, positions!), he would say crap like “Elmo is a train conductor! Choo Choo!” If you did not re-pose him within 30 seconds, he said “Yoo Hoo! Are you going to play with Elmo? Okay, let’s pretend later!”. Only problem with Elmo being that once the batteries died, you pretty much had to destroy him to replace the batteries. Whatever, right? Who needs a perverted Elmo (hehehe, positions) anyway?? I threw the battery-dead Elmo on a closet shelf and forgot about it.

    A few months later, at 3am, I’m blissfully asleep, alone, in my apartment. From the depths of my closet, I’m jarred awake by Elmo all of a sudden asking me “YOO HOO! ARE YOU GOING TO PLAY WITH ELMO??? And because the batteries were basically dead, it wasn’t the cutesy high pitched Elmo voice. It was the low, guttural, mangled voice you hear in horror films. Aunt Becky, I launched myself out of bed, grabbed my baseball bat from beside the computer (I played in a beer league at that time), and spun in circles in the bedroom, trying to figure out who had broken into my apartment and was clearly wanting to do bad, bad things to me. Eventually, Elmo said ‘OKAY, LET’S PRETEND LATER! and shut himself off.

    I did not fall back asleep again that night. I watched late night infomercials till the sun came up. And Elmo ended up flying off my balcony, smashing on the pavement, then scraped up and tossed in the Dumpster. No more creepy possessed Sesame Street characters for me!

    • Melissa says:

      You are not the only one that the crazy Elmo doll has scared the shit out of you in the middle of the night. I think the programmers of that fucker really had a laugh when they decided to add the RANDOM Elmo talking out of nowhere.

    • Devan says:

      LOL, this is so funny! Yeah alot of our kid toys are this way. I could hear something talking on my babys monitor once and I went all crazy-mommy thinking someone was in her room. I just about had a heart attack due to some stupid dead batteries.

  • belless says:

    Maybe you should by that jewish winebox that is possessed by an old hag that beats you up and makes your hair fall out. And turns out all your lights.

    You could totally sage it!

  • Jenn says:

    Once my mom was in the hospital with Meningitus ( or how ever you spell it) and she was convinced that my Grandfather’s answering machine called her… It could have been the morphine… but its still funny when she swears it happened.

  • April says:

    My phone makes me look fat in pictures. It’s a problem. Now even the mirror is doing it too and that’s not even electronic. Possession apparently isn’t just for the electronics. I won’t even start on what the scale is doing.

    • Devan says:

      Must also be contageous, cause mine are doing the same thing. One tip, ignore the piss out of the scale, it will eventually just sit there quiet and not bother you any more. You could even toss it in the trash, that’ll show that bitch!

  • Ewokmama
    Twitter: ewokmama
    says:

    You need a new phone, duder.

  • alexis
    Twitter: theangelalexistwitter.com
    says:

    When Matthew, my twin brother, and I, were babies, someone gave us a rather diabolical toy given the rather innocuous name of “Pop-Up Piano.” It was made either by Fisher-Price or Playskool or by some equally demented and soulless corporation. I started to tell about it, but the description became discourteously long. Suffice it to say that the device had a battery that was powered from hell or beyond, and that the toy itself held other sinister properties. I transferred the complete description of this rather hellish creation to my own blog, where it properly belongs. Readers of Aunt Becky’s blog do not deserve to be unsuspectingly subjected to nightmares. Readers of my own blog know that they enter and read at their own peril.

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