Whether I’m shoveling buckets of food in or cradling the porcelain bowl like it was the lone port in a storm I tend to gain a lot of weight when I’m pregnant. As I like to brag, I tend to gain MORE weight when I can’t eat, which would make me an excellent famine survivor, should zombies and the undead rise from their graves.

It’s all about how you spin it, right?

Because the last time I had the stomach flu, I also ended up gaining weight. You’d think I was lying, except for why the hell would I tell you about carrying my poo around in a bucket and then lie about gaining weight? In terms of orders of magnitude, that simply doesn’t make sense.

If I was gonna lie, I’d tell you that I just won the Nobel Peace Prize for Awesomeness.


So, anyway, a couple of months ago, I confessed to you, Fair Reader, that I needed to shed some 60 pounds of baby weight still stubbornly clinging to my ass. Lord knows that my ass must get jealous of all the attention my stomach gets and feels it necessary to get pregnant too.

I bought Alli.

You know, the drug they advise you not to wear white pants while you take it? The one where they suggest that “treatment effects” might cause you “discomfort” and/or “anal leakage?” It seemed a better course of action than a tapeworm, so I dutifully took pill after ever-loving blue pill.

Until my hair started falling out.


“Bald” and “fat,” not two words I needed to hear in conjunction with Aunt Becky, so quickly to the computer I dashed, and there it was, bold as day: patients with thyroid disease should consult their doctor before starting this medication.

Well, fuck me sideways with a chainsaw. I have mother-humping thyroid disease. Nice going, dipwad. Way to READ those warnings, ass-bag, nimrod, moron, fucking brainiac.

Truthfully, the Alli, besides making for some interesting bathroom ass-plosions, wasn’t working anyway. I dutifully ate better and I’d managed to gain a pound. I guess there really IS no quick cure for weight loss, eh?

Anyway, turns out, my thyroid crapped out on me once again in a condition called postpartum thyroiditis. It happened after I had Alex and and it’s happening again now, so catching it and increasing my meds to the TOP OF THE DRUG MANUFACTURERS DOSE (doesn’t that make me sound AWESOME?) should help with Operation Lose My Fat Ass.

Also helping is the Topamax, which has jump started the whole process by making food taste like rancid cheese.

Today marks Day 1 back on Weight Watchers–a diet, which, I should add, is awesome–and while I don’t expect it to work miracles, knowing that the scale already is moving in the proper direction makes me feel like a real human again.

I don’t think I can explain how frustrating it is to do all of the right things and still feel trapped by a body that won’t cooperate. Wait, actually I bet a number of you CAN understand that, just probably for different reasons.

Also, I hate to brag, but I’m pretty sure I lost at least 21 pounds ordering The Shred off Amazon, but I wouldn’t actually know because I tossed out my scale several months ago because it was broken. Well, it was broken or my 8 year old weighs 23 pounds in which case, I probably should get his malnourished ass to the hospital soon for Nutritious Things.

So, today, I order a new, unbroken scale and I’m back to tracking points and anxiously awaiting dreading my Shred DVD so that I can get my out-of-shape ass kicked by that horrifying bitch, because It’s Time. No more excuses, no more apologies, just accountability.

God, I wish a tapeworm would work.

(Maybe we should form a support group or something.)(hold me)(HOLD ME)

198 thoughts on “(Insert Holier Than Thou Platitude Here)

  1. I wish you good luck. I made a commitment myself to start doing better. Most days I do, but then days like yesterday I fell off the wagon and ate the Fritos. And the cake. But today I will do better.

    I’ll be the first to join the support group!!

  2. I like the support group idea- I’m on FitDay and my brother and I are tracking all our info and ragging on each other when we need to. But I can’t bring myself to exercise. I like to walk, but I’m easily derailed by rain…

  3. I soooo feel ya’! I gained about 20lbs when I first got married (5yrs ago) then I gained 40 more lbs when I got pregnant…my son is almost three years old and I am almost as fat as I was when I was pregnant! Not FAIR!!! My ass takes most of the weight ofcourse as if my world revolved around it….I had hired a personal trainer last year and managed to lose 15lbs in 3 mos. Then his sorry ass dumped me and I gained back all the weight plus more. Uggh, I so need to lose like 30lbs at the very minimum. I so need to be in your support group. I have a friend who lost 30 lbs on WW, maybe I should get on that!

    1. @Violet Weight Watchers works really well. I lost most of the pregnancy weight with Alex before I got knocked up again with Amelia. It’s hard to stick with sometimes, but it really works. It’s not expensive and it’s maintainable.

      We need a support group.

  4. Girl, I’m so glad you bought that DVD. Jillian is one mean-ass, bitch of a trainer, but The Shred is the best workout I’ve done in years!!! I won’t lie and say that it’s fun or easy, becaue it surely ain’t, but it’s only 25 minutes of wanting to die, instead of an hour. Simple steps to follow. Go get yourself some nice 5 lb weights, with comfy grips, because it’s all about those weights.

    I promise you that the results come quickly if you let her brow beat you into keeping going when your heart feels like it’s going to explode. I won’t let her beat me, due to my competitive nature, and just when I think I can’t do anymore, I scream, “Fuck you, bitch. I hate you!!!” Next thing you know, it’s over.

    That nasty whore should give me some royalties after all the good things I’ve been saying about this workout. Two weeks, and I was looking better than I have in a long, long time.

    Text me when you’re about to start a workout, and I’ll do it along with you. Then, we can both scream at our TV’s together, and you’ll know that you are not the only one who thinks she can’t possibly raise those damn weights one more time ๐Ÿ˜‰

  5. I hear you, darling. I’m doing low-carb myself, because it not only helps me keep the weight down (provided I, you know, STICK WITH IT), but it helps with my blood sugar issues. Let us know how the Shred goes! I’ve thought of trying it myself.

    1. @Z. Charmer I’ll keep you posted on The Shred. I’m terribly out of shape thanks to a foot injury that occurred at the same time that I got pregnant, so we’ll see. I don’t do low carb very well, but I hear it works well.

      1. Oh low carb works. But eat just ONE noodle, and BAM! You gain all the weight back plus 10. I am NOT exaggerating. Well not TOTALLY.

  6. Ooh and I’m FIRST! Hell to the freakin YEA!

    Good for you Becky – good for you. I hope your shred is great even if sounds terrifying and topamax + weight watchers? That’s a total win-win!

    But that tapeworm – do you know for sure it wouldn’t work? I about at the point of wanting one.

    1. @Amanda I’m not sure that it wouldn’t work, actually. It very well may work, but I’m kinda squigged out by the idea. But how’s this: you try it and REPORT BACK TO US about it. You can guest post and tell us how it goes.

  7. I’ll take your ass…..But you have to take my gut – or find someone else to take it. I have a back that extends directly into the back of my thighs. I had a boyfriend that used to call me Back Leg. Nice guy huh?

  8. I dunno dude. I had a friend who got a parasite (not sure if it was a tapeworm) while she was living in Israel and girl looked damn good when she came back…

    1. Although I’ve always thought that if the tapeworm is eating the food and the tapeworm is in me, when the tapeworm gets fat, won’t *I* get fat?

  9. I’ll hold you, if you hold me!
    Since menopause wrapped its greedy fingers around my metabolism, I can look at food and feel my hips expand.

    Since I hate dieting and excercising equally, this does not bode well for loosing the 50 extra pounds I am currently sitting on as I type this.

    You go kick some Shred ass and laugh as the pounds melt away. I’ll be cheering for you from my spot in the couch. And hide the chocolate.

    1. @Catootes Oh that’s fine. Eat your chocolate while you cheer me on. If you don’t, Dave will. Because all of the junk food you’ll find in my pantry does not belong to me, if you hadn’t guessed. It’s Dave’s. He eats like a frat boy and weighs 15 pounds. It’s AWESOME.

  10. Girl.

    I have been KILLING MYSELF for the past month, trying to get ready for a cruise next week and of course, mah slutty Halloween costume. I am nowhere near where I wanted to be by now. I only wanted to lose about 20 pounds, and I think I have lost 6 ounces. Aces!!

    When I was your age (sigh), cutting carbs out did it for me. Just a thought.

    1. @Fawn I’m pretty sure I haven’t lost anything like I thought I have, which is what’s keeping me off the scale. THAT and I’m afraid of it. Terrified, truthfully.

      Stupid scales. Stupid diets.

  11. Just remember, muscle weighs more than fat. Feel good about how your clothes fit, not what the scale says.

    That said…good luck friend!

  12. I’m likely not typical, but I did the 30 Day Shred with my husband. He lost approximately 15 lbs and I gained 3. It was awesome. And by awesome, I mean totally disheartening. I killed myself and all I had to show for it was weight gain.

  13. “Well, fuck me sideways with a chainsaw. I have mother-humping thyroid disease. Nice going, dipwad. Way to READ those warnings, ass-bag, nimrod, moron, fucking brainiac.”


    Weight is the stupidest thing ever. That’s really all the deep insight that I have to offer. Somedays I do really well, somedays I have to have fast food or someone will die.

    But you’ve had a rough year, and alot to deal with, and you’re amazing for getting back on the proverbial horse and kicking some Weight Watcher ass.

    Now excuse me while I go fuck some lazy asshole sideways with a chainsaw.

  14. I am glad you are back on the WW. I was not being good on vacation, returned, had a meeting on Tuesday and failed to record my food TUESDAY NIGHT. That’s right, I was a good girl for a whole six hours.
    My pants feel loose today (but it might only be because they are the same pants I wore yesterday and got stretched) so I am using that for motivation.

    1. @Jen Weight Watchers is wonderful and loose pants is great motivation. I’m using loose pants and a couple of verbal “you’ve lost weight!” comments as motivation. Currently, I need to make sure I’m eating enough.

      We can DO it.

  15. Stupid thyroid diseases that make it hard to lose weight . . .
    The painful way my weight has stayed down – my stupid fucking thyroid disease damaged my digestion system – I can no longer eat grains. That is right GRAINS.
    No wheat, oats, rice, kamut, spelt.
    What this really means is NO CAKE! (bagels, muffins, pretzels, gravy) sniff, feel sorry for me dammit!
    Heh, I can still eat ice cream and chocolate. And make very expensive cookies with ground almonds . . .
    Of course the ambulance ride from Granville Island to the hospital with head to toe hives was an interesting way to find out I couldn’t eat grains anymore.

      1. Yes, going 8 years without a diagnosis wreaked havoc on my guts.
        Gluten grains are especially hard to digest with hypothyroidism, causing weight gain, gas, bloating, all sorts of fun things that make people want to be in the same room with me (not).
        It was 1995 that I stopped eating grains, rice stopped digesting 1997, got the thyroid diagnosis 1998.
        Yes, I fired that GP and got a new one!
        If you (or anyone) decided to cut out grains to see if they are a digestion problem – be aware, it takes over a month to clear grains from your gut.
        A month where your ‘movements’ will excruciatingly stinky.

        It is not easy to live without grains and manage to get enough food or eat out but it has been worth it in the long run.
        Except when I feel sorry for myself.
        Then I remember there are starving children all over the world. They can have my grains.

  16. I absolutely love weight watchers. It’s the one and only thing that helped me lose weight.

    Well, that and a titty reduction.

    AND a tummy tuck?

    Yah, all of that, but WW is da bomb. Good luck w/ it.

  17. Cha, me before kids: 6′ 5″ 245 lbs. avid ultimate frisbee player, backpacker, cyclist, etc. Outstanding physical condition. Resting pulse = 64.
    Me after kids: 6′ 4″ (WTF? How does a grown man LOSE an inch?) 275 lbs. avid sleep misser, widener. Resting pulse = TRICK QUESTION BECAUSE I’M NEVER ALLOWED TO FUCKING REST!!!

  18. When you’re doing it for the right reasons (health, yourself…not anyone else) that’s the way to go.

    I’ve lost clothing sizes and bulk, but sometimes I step on a scale and I weigh just about the same as I always have. Very puzzling! Especially considering I drink soda like there’s no tomorrow. I’m just about the laziest dieter ever! I just contribute it to less stress due to leaving my soon-to-be ex husband.

  19. For some reason, getting pregnant two times first with a girl and second with a boy, I managed to gain weight in every single place EXCEPT for my boobs. I’m still at a 36AA (sucks to be me, right?!). However, my bottom, belly, hips, thighs, all went from being a very awesome size TWO, to a size EIGHT. Sucks to be me, right?!

    A size eight wouldn’t be so bad, except for the fact that I’m barely five feet tall. So I look as wide as I am tall……..SUCKS?!

  20. I’m not about the diets anymore, but I so need to get my out of shape ass onto a workout program again. I may order The Shred just so I can scream at Jillian with you and Lola.

  21. I have the Shred. I go through periods of Shred followed by periods of just going to the gym because driving 30 minutes into town to workout & then driving 30 minutes home is easier somedays.

    I don’t have a fat ass. I have fat thighs. Like pants fit in the hips and waist, probably..but I’ll never know for sure because I can’t them over my thighs. If the fit my thighs I could stuff a small pillow in the gap between my waist & the pants.

  22. I’m in for the support group. And I need it.

    Been doing WW and started the Shred (love that it is less than 30 minutes a day – and still manages to kick my ass), but I need more motivation, 2 jobs, 2 kids and the husband manage to suck most of my time and energy out…

  23. I wish you luck. I did WW and it worked after having my son – I lost 50 pounds and felt great.

    Then my fucking gall bladder decided to sieze up and I was in for emergency surgery. Since then I’ve ballooned all the way back up to being 9 months pregnant (mind you, I’m NOT pregnant) and I can hardly do shit about it. No matter what I do or try, I gain.

    I guess those pesky buggers do more work for our bodies than we think. Hello, stomach fat.

  24. Wow, are you on 300mg synthroid? That IS impressive! I’m on 175’s and I had my thyroid killed way back when, so I technically don’t even have one.

    So yeah, I’m a thyroid-less WW alum myself. I’m currently in the process of packing on the pregnancy pounds, but as soon as the baby is out I have big plans. I was thinking of going the Wii fit route, but I’m interested to hear how The Shred goes for you.

    Best of luck to you, I’ll be joining you in February.

    1. @Sara I’m too afraid of how fat they’ll make my avitar if I go on Wii Fit. How LAME am I? Don’t tell me, okay? Just don’t tell me. I know how lame I am.

      And my thyroid? Hates me. It hates me a lot.

  25. Make sure you’re eating enough, because you know the body stores fat when it thinks it’s starving. On the plus side, if everything tastes like rancid cheese, eating the healthy food won’t taste any better or worse than eating the unhealthy food.

    I’m thinking about buying that Shred video…25 minutes is just about what I have to devote to working out in my day. I lost my baby weight right away, but then it came back. I don’t know how that happened…actually, I do. In order to breastfeed, I needed high infusions of sugary food, and once I stopped breastfeeding, I forgot to stop eating the sugary food. Crap.

    1. @a My body is EXCELLENT at storing fat when it thinks I’m starving. I’ve gone on WW to make certain I eat enough calories during the day. I know, I should be so lucky.

      You should get the Shred and we should all bust our asses together.

      1. We can bust our asses together in spirit, because in person, I’m waaaay to uncoordinated. Which is why I need videos. To use at home. When no one else is around. I don’t understand these people who go to the gym…

        1. @a THIS is why I cannot possibly do aerobics classes! HAHAHAHAHA! I laugh because I understand. I’m the moron at the back of the room furious because I cannot manage the simplest moves.

  26. Eh, the thyroid is a drama queen bitch anyway. It thinks it’s all that, but as long as we can grind up cows to make our synthoid, I say who needs it?

    I knew Wii fit will ask other people behind your back if you’re exercising and eating well, but I didn’t think about the avatar…perhaps I’ll do my initial weigh-in while I’m still pregnant so that when I actually start working out it’ll be all impressed that I lost 15 pounds in a couple weeks.

    1. @Sara That’s BRILLIANT! You should totally do your first weigh-in while pregnant. I hear the program is kind of an asshole, and I feel judgment from the text on the WW box when I don’t lose, so I’m thinking the Wii fit lady is probably a bad fit for me.

  27. That’s awesome… but then you’re Full of The Awesome, so that should come as no surprise. (The fact that you joined WWs, again, and shared it with all of us, not the fact that you gain weight while steaming around with a bucket of steaming… stuff.)

    My mom had amazing success with WWs and if my sorry ass could (would?) stick with their program, I’m sure I would too. Something’s definitely got to give around here, and I’d prefer it wasn’t seam of these jeans. You totally motivated me to look into The Shred, so maybe now I’ll look back in WW!

    You’re totally going to kick your own ass!! ๐Ÿ˜€

  28. I am a “Biggest Loser” junkie!! I love Jillian and Bob and think they are both amazing trainers.
    I am not familiar with Jillian’s Shred DVD, but read this article when you have a sec:


    It’s the story of a girl from my hometown that is the nanny for one of my friend’s kids. I found her story really inspriring and Jillian seemed to work wonders for her health and frame of mind.

    Wish you all the luck in the world, love! Seriously, if that chick can do it, you can do it!!!!

  29. I am so glad I got knocked up again so that I did not have to contemplate how I was going to lose the still there baby weight from my 18 month old child….now I can eat and tell people to ‘eff off, I am creating life here.

  30. I have not had the guts to get back on the Wii in months. Because that’s our only reliable scale. I like the one that lies to me in the bathroom. It’s a keeper.

  31. I try to never weigh myself. I HATE looking at the numbers on the scale… They fluctuate anyways, so why bother? Right? I mean, that’s decent justification for not looking.. I hope… Instead, I just judge by how my clothes fit. If my 12s fit (which they won’t, til I kick this baby out), then I’m doing good. If my 14s feel tight.. Well… Perhaps I should lay off the Snickers bars for a little bit.

    My dad lost a TON of weight over the last year. He started doing those Spin classes. You know, the stationary bikes with low resistance? It seems a bit ridiculous, but it worked for him. I hate going to health clubs, because I feel even fatter and more out of place somewhere that’s filled with thin healthy people. Totally one of those “One of these things is not like the other” moment.

    So, yes, I get it. And I’m cheering for you! When I start trying to lose a bit of weight, you can cheer for me! ๐Ÿ™‚ 1 month til due date!

    1. @Karyn These days, I’d feel out of place at a health club too. Hence the DVD in the basement like a creature from Middle Earth. Plus, it’s been so HARD to get away. I know, it sounds like I’m making up excuses, but I’m not.

      Anyway, I will TOTALLY cheer you on.

  32. HEY YOU!! I’m starting a Shred challenge (details on my blog). Wanna join??? I promise we’ll be gentle and pass out carrot sticks and water at the end!

  33. I too am still holding onto weight from after baby….um baby is now 20 months old. Yeah just can’t get rid of that belly.

    Although I did think of you the other day when at Best Buy and saw…..Wii now has workouts with Jillian. 2009 and 2010. I thought about getting it then….opted for Dairy Queen instead.

  34. I lose weight at the rate oak trees grow so I commiserate with you (and I am off to buy The Shred RIGHT NOW!). Any support groups started and I am there faster than you can say login.

    Good for you for getting back on the Weight Watcher band wagon. I agree, it is a great diet and it definitely works. I just can’t handle writing everything down. I am trying to simply eat less. One month I lose 4lbs, the following I put it on, I’m having a ball. Might have to head back to WW.

  35. So,Um, YEAH. I have a fitness blog. Which is what I called it because people won’t click on “here’s the blog where I try to lose my fat ass.” or stomach, as in my case. ugh.

    Anyway, I am doing the Shred and reading (and re-reading a billion times over) the book called “French Women Don’t Get Fat”. I’ve been using the 50% rule and eating a lot of veggie soup.

    No. I did not give up champagne and chocolate, and I refuse to. I didn’t give up bread either, because that would be insane. It just would be. Especially during pumpkin muffin season.

    I’m convinced that hunger is the reason that I have never met a skinny person who was nice. So. There. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  36. For years and years and years, I had an aunt who was mercilessly taunted by the rest of her family for being heavy. Also, she had thinning hair. Despite diet and excercise, she had to put up with fat bald jokes for a long long time.

    Last year she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and had it removed.

    She lost a ton of weight and her hair grew back. Her thyroid had been a problem most of her life and she never knew it.

    She is now accepting apologies.

    1. @Manda I could use some apologies from the people who stared blankly at me while I cried when I couldn’t get the weight off after I had Alex. I worked my ASS off and couldn’t get the scale to move. It killed me.

      Good for your Aunt.

  37. I’m heading back to WW too. I love them. Next week…

    Get a tape measure and take your measurements. Then take them again in a month. Even when the scale didn’t budge much for me I was pleasantly surprised by losing inches.

    And if you want a tape worm, sushi is the way to go.

  38. I’m right there with ya. I finally went to our local martial arts gym where people DO NOT screw around with their workouts. No step classes or fun Top 40 music….just a cold hard gym and a cold hard instructor who runs us through one hour of ass burning exercise. I’ve gotta say, I’ve changed my body more in 7 classes than I did in nearly 5 months of attempting to diet on my own. The scale isn’t going down but I can see my body changing so I’m trying to see the good in that. On my non boot camp days I do The Shred which indeed will kick your ass (but at least it’s only 20 minutes of hell). Being fat sure is a lot easier ๐Ÿ™

  39. Thyroiditis?? You totally made that up, didn’t you? And I’ve seen your pic, girl. Where you hiding those 60 pounds?? That’s why I date black men. They love all that junk in the trunk. hee hee

  40. I just made an appointment with a dietitian for a week from this Friday. A goal of 100 pounds lost in a year is reasonable for me. Not adhering to a strict diet of corn syrup-based drinks and cheese-based foods will be more of a challenge.

      1. Becky,

        My best friend, who is a hospital director, confirms that “dietitians” are licensed medical professionals, not just some latter-day “herbalist” who sets up shop in their homes. He says his staff dietitian is anything BUT Haight-Ashbury.

  41. if WW and The Shred don’t work for you, here’s my two cents of free advice: Stomach Flu. oh yeah, baby! all the anal leakage AND it’s also got a built in appetite suppressant. the fear of barfing all over yourself makes eating anything at all, even the most *tasty* looking saltine, a no-go.

    you’ll get all the exercise you need fighting off exhaustion and dragging your ass from your bed to the couch, then running mach chicken from the couch to the toilet, so you can spend 5 or 10 minutes praying that your colon doesn’t actually flip inside out, while you blow the back off the toilet and wonder if the children have successfully killed themselves/each other while there is no supervision.

      1. did you read my comment and go, “what the fuck?!”

        because i just did.


        i take absolutely no responsibility for any commenting i did while under the weather with the flu. i blame the fever. i am also not going to take any responsibility for any commenting i do from here on out.

  42. You made me spit out my coffee! You owe me a new keyboard btw.

    You are awesome!

    Have room for another award? I have one for you on my blog.



  43. I’m a holdin’. Actually I’m in the same boat. Been a member of the gym for 2.5 months now. Scale isn’t budging. I am busting my ass. I think it’s muscle. but it isn’t very fun to not see the scale move. of course, i eat tons of carbs and can’t seem to stop. just know that i’m with you. i wish i could stick to a weight watchers points plan. i just can’t. i’m so frigging hungry when i do.

  44. I have hormone issues. PCOS. And because of that I find it extremely hard to lose weight. I *could* exercise more and I need to… but it’s so hard when I can eat healthy as all get out and still not change weight. Exercising and not losing weight would cause me to go postal.

    Though at least my belly doesn’t poof out quite as bad when I exercise.

    Good luck with your weightloss! Will you lose 60 lbs for me too?

      1. Going 4-6 months with no period was my first clue. Because of that I needed fertility drugs to get pregnant. I joined an online support group for pregnancy after infertility and for fertility drug treatment and was first introduced to PCOS that way. After awhile I started researching it and realized I had A LOT of the hallmarks of PCOS. Then with my last pregnancy I had complications and saw a maternal/fetal medicine specialist and they also suggested I had PCOS. My general doctor agrees and is treating me for it though I still should see an endocrinologist for it. One day, lol.

  45. Not knocking your plan at all (totally hope it works, btw!), but I decided about 8 months ago that I obviously was not going to lose the weight I gained with my first child (13 years ago) now, and that I needed to accept me the way I am. Not even karate class helped that much, although it did give me some great arm muscles. So…I am not dieting ever again.

    As long as I can convince myself every day that C doesn’t hate my belly, I am good.

  46. Ugh, GOOD LUCK! I feel your pain… I’ve been on various antidepressants for many years and it’s not looking good for me ever getting off of them. My body simply does not produce enough serotonin. The two most horrible (and counter-productive) side effects of these drugs are sexual dysfunction and weight gain. (So if I was depressed before, how am I going to feel now that I’m 40 lbs heavier and can’t have an orgasm?!?!?) I had to go on a 1200 cals per day diet with 5-6 days per week at the gym doing 60 mins of cardio to finally get some of the weight off. And it came off at the slower-than-watching-grass-grow rate of 1 lb per week, on average. I’ll be right there with ya if there’s ever a great famine that wipes out all the skinny folks!

    1. @CatP You and I, in the event of a zombie uprising, would rule. Long after those skinny turds died, you and I would be happily wandering around, looking fit as fiddles.

      Silver linings, right?

  47. I can totally sympathize with you. I quit smoking in January, but started being a bigger fat ass. It is taking FOREVER to get my ass in control. You are not alone Aunt Becky. I am doing this stupid Biggest Loser contest at work. Not sure what I was thinking, it’s probably going to result in me not losing and contributing to someone else’s winning money.

  48. I might be the only person on earth who got NOWHERE with Weight Watchers. Didn’t work for me at all. I’m one of those people you must hate with a burning passion who walked out of hospital after baby was born weighing six pounds less than when I got pregnant.

    It could have been having to endure a month of hospital food and insane stress while The Child was in intensive care, but I dunno.

    The thing is I’m still lugging around most of the SEVENTEEN kilos I put on between the day I first tried on my wedding dress and the day I got married (it was a stressful year. There was a lot of chocolate involved). The dressmaker nearly died of a heart attack when she saw how much she had to alter the gown.

    Anyway, since Weight Watchers doesn’t do it for me I’ve gone back to an old method that helped me lose ten kilos a decade ago- the Calorie King. All you do is record what you eat each day, and it tells you how many calories/ how much fat you’ve had and how much you should be having. It’s easy to use and it’s aaaaall about guilt. Lots of guilt.

    You can do it online for free here:


    1. @Claire Guilt is an incredible motivator for me. I’ll file away the Calorie King idea for future use in case WW doesn’t work for me. I find it works best for me if I spend some time ON it then take some time OFF it. My metabolism needs some tricking to work.

      Wily metabolism.

  49. I pay WW a monthly donation but haven’t logged in since July or Aug. WW does work. One just has to, you know, do it. Le Sigh. Maybe I’ll dig out The Shred, too.

    You can start a whole revolution with Aunt Becky’s Merry Band Of Shred Watchers…, or some clever shit like that. (Someone with more brain cells than I can think of a whitty title.)

  50. Are you really starting The Shred?

    I bought it. See? It’s right over there


    In my closet behind the couch.

    I'm not kidding.

    And today?

    I received a SPORTS BRA from the Internet!

    Just as soon as I'm all suited up, I'm going to get right to work (I just know it)!

  51. Do NOT order that scale! Especially since you are going to be working out. Go by how your clothes feel or get a tape measurer to go by inches since muscle weights more than fat!(Sorry! That sounds a bit bossy)!

    I am on Project 15. Once my lungs are totally healthy after this damn pneumonia, I am going back to the gym.

    Good luck! I am rooting for you!

    1. @Mommy on the Spot I’m going back and forth on the scale. On the one hand PROGRESS and on the other, well, I don’t need my life dictated by a number on a scale. *sighs*

      How do you like Project 15?

      1. Project 15 is my code name for dropping the last 15 pounds from my last pregnancy. It’s off to a slow start since my lungs are still a bit touchy with pneumonia. I guess I should be proud that I already lost 35 pounds, but damn those clothes that don’t fit like they should!!

        So Project 15 is going to the gym 3-4 times a week and eating “sensible.” By that I mean not sneaking extra cheese and cookies when making my daughter’s lunch and only putting 2 TBS of peanutbutter on my toast, not a half a cup. My goal is to fit in those clothes by Christmas. Aunt Becky, I am hoping for a Christmas miracle!

        You should add an extra page on your blog to be your weight loss support group!

  52. I never did Weight Watchers, but Nel does it pretty religiously. Can I just say, that I’m uber jealous of anyone that gets to keep charts and lists and track points… I mean, that is my definition of fun. And I’m not even kidding or making fun. I want to join Weight Watchers because the organization aspect of it all fascinates me.
    Also, shred is awesome. And I’m NOT one of those people that ‘likes’ to work out.

  53. I’m on WW too, and uh, pleasedon’tkillme, I’ve somehow lost 6kg in about 8 weeks. But I think the losing part of this diet is coming to an end, and the hard slog part is starting. I can’t even imagine how difficult it would be to stay on track when it feels like you’re not getting anywhere. I can’t remember who mentioned it, Aunt Becky, but the woman who said ‘give yourself a break, you’ve had a horrific year’ was 100%, have a gold-star, correct. Likewise to the other people here (only hopefully minus the horrific year bit) Maybe all this wacky Point counting has damaged my brain, but I think we get so caught up berating ourselves for the size of our thighs that we forget to celebrate the size of other things. Like our hearts, our brains, our ability to reverse park with a kid screaming in the backseat. All the important stuff.

    By the way, if it’s in the US WW recipe database, I recommend the Pasta with tomato vodka sauce (inspired by you, Aunt Becky? ;)). It takes 15 minutes to make, is 4 points a serve, and all the ingredients are the kind you’ll have rattling around the fridge or pantry anyway (well, except for fresh basil, but I’ve got a whole spice rack of stuff I can get creative with if I have to). If it’s not in the database, or anyone’s interested, I’m happy to transcribe it. I just don’t want to clog up the comment section.

    1. @Science Geek, I’d LOVE the recipe and you’re certainly not clogging up the comment section with it. I’m proud that you were able to lose so much weight on the diet! That’s incredible! My metabolism sort of hates me I think, so it’s always going to be a battle with me.

    2. By all rights, my metabolism should completely hate me, given how much abuse I’ve thrown at it. I can only assume it’s got Stockholm syndrome! Like I said, I really admire people who stick with the diet when their bodies aren’t co-operating.

      Hope this recipe helps stomp that extra weight! Sorry if the amounts are a little out, my version’s metric and set up for tinned food in Australia, so I had to break out the converter, and cross my fingers that they’re close to standard tin sizes in the US. I put the original weights in brackets
      2 cloves of garlic, curshed
      1/2 tsp dried tarragon
      14 oz canned crushed tomato (400g)
      8 oz canned tomato puree (225g)
      2 nips of vodka
      1bs cornflour
      1/2 cup skim milk (125ml)
      1/2 cup chopped fresh basil
      1/2 pound dry pasta (250g)

      1. Cook pasta. While you’re doing that, lightly oil a large frypan, add garlic and cook for 1 minute. Add tarragon, tomatoes, puree and vodka and simmer for 10 minutes.
      3. Dissolve the cornflour in the milk, stir until smooth. Add the mixture to the frying pan and simmer until sauce thickens (about a minute). Season with salt/pepper/random herbs, then turn off the stovetop and stir through the basil. Sometimes, I’ll nuke some frozen vegies and add that to the sauce as well.
      4. By this time, the pasta should be done. Divide into four serves, and top with the sauce. If you’ve got a point to spare, sprinkle with parmesan cheese.

  54. Go, baby, go! You can do it! I’ve got to back on the workout train myself. I can’t wait (*coughs*) to hear what that virtual bitch Maya on Wii My Fitness Coach has to say to me since I’ve “apparently had some trouble getting to my (sic) sessions. Consistency is key to getting results”. Shut up, you skinny computer-generated wench and leave me alone. Maybe if you provided a computer-generated babysitter I’d have more time to work out! (sorry, rant over. maybe.)

    1. @mummaboo I’m terrified of the Wii Fit coach. And the way they’d make my avitar fat because I’d cry. No, really, I would. I don’t need a damn lecture, Wii Fit coach. I know I’m fat.

  55. Today I was told by a random asshole to “move my fat ass” from the sidewalk that he was trying to cycle on. I must have seemed to have a shred of self-esteem left, because he then parked his bike, followed me across the street and treated me to a 5 minute rant that ended with, “You are ugly- inside and out.” And you know what? Today is the last fucking time I am even going to think about losing weight. It’s enough. For all of us. We deserve to be happy just the way we damned well are. And you, dear Auntie, deserve to be happier than most, regardless of the size of your ass.

  56. Welcome back to WW! I go to meetings – online didn’t work for me. It’s been going great since last February – totally works if you follow it. Two things – don’t weigh yourself if you go to meetings, just let them weigh you once a week so you don’t get all depressed when yesterday’s weight loss seems to be back today, etc. The other – forgive yourself when you mess up and get back to it! If you take the times you don’t eat healthily too hard, you keep doing it, but ya gotta just brush the Cheeto dust off your chest and get back to it.

    1. @Misifus I do the online WW, but I’m really good about sticking to it, so I don’t need the meetings to motivate me. Actually, since I suck at losing weight, it’s better that I DON’T go to meetings so that I don’t get jealous that it’s not me losing 3 pounds.

      Forgiving yourself is always really important. I need to remember that one.

  57. Good luck my dear. Six months out from having Jack I am still twenty-five pounds away from being recognizable to myself, and also resolve all the time to do something about it. But I just can’t be bothered these days, and lack of motivation leads to lack of self esteem, which leads to lack of motivation, and on and on. It’s hard. It’s really fucking hard. Please let me know about your progress–I need some inspiration!

  58. How long, and at what dose,did your food start to taste awful? My DR just started me on it,50mg to start. My coffee does taste a little funky but not too bad. I am really hoping I wont get that side affect?

  59. Aunt Becky, I truly feel your pain. I tried annorexia for about five minutes, but I just like to eat too much… Bulimia seemed a much more attractive option, but I just can’t make myself puke… I am a dismal failure.
    Balding and pooping. Now that’s a sad story.

  60. Oh sister I feel your pain. I always feel superior about the fact that I only gained 25-ish pounds with my daughter, and usually forget to tell people that she was two months early. And I tell them that I got back to my pre-pregnancy weight (which was chubby to begin withโ€ฆ) quickly but forget to tell them that I then promptly re-gained what I gained during pregnancy and then lost. Just call me Little Miss Yo-Yo, minus the dieting. You are much brave than I am – the side-effects of Alli were enough to make me steer clear, as tempting as liquifying all the fat in my body sounded. I walked and walked and walked pushing that stupid stroller while I was on mat leave, and it didnโ€™t help a bit โ€“ although maybe it did prevent additional weight gain. What a depressing thought. I did Weight Watchers years ago, and I hate to admit it but it totally worked. It is the only thing that has ever worked for me. Itโ€™s only a matter of time before I start it up again (and make my husband do it with me, mwahahaha)โ€ฆsweet baby jesus kids wreck a body, donโ€™t they? Now I need a hug.

  61. ooh, I have a two part comment…

    1) SERIOUSLY..fuck yes! sideways, with a chainsaw…I spent WAAAAY too much time today trying to imagine that!

    2) on a more serious note, YOU all are lovely, beautiful, gorgeous & contributing members of your community regardless of the size of your a) ass, b) thighs c) hips d)ego e) any & all of the above!

    Honestly, from one REALLY old fart to the rest of you, think of it this way…you’re dead – yep, doornail dead! – and your mourners can choose one of three things to say about you, they are:
    a) OMG!! She is, like, so thin, but that grey, lifeless colour is just SO not good for her!
    b) Look, all those years & years of dieting paid off, she is just stunning dead!
    or c) I loved her, she loved me & life & I will miss her.

    *note, the generic use of “her”, well, because I am a “her”…

    We’re all going to go, eventually. I know when I do, I want most – of all things – for the people I love to know that I truly – warts & fucking all loved them! I want to know I made someone smile, I want to know I made it “ok” for a stranger, I want my kids to be able to smile through their tears because they KNOW that is what I want of them…what I DO NOT care about is the people (myself included) who decided whether I was a good person or not based on the size of my ass! Because (in the words of the great Aunt Bec herself) OBVIOUSLY.

    YOU, yes YOU, are beautiful ๐Ÿ™‚

  62. I took Alli for about a month and couldn’t handle the *ahem* mess I had to deal with every time I had to go to the bathroom…it sucks. Gave it up cause it made me feel like garbage all the time.

    Doc wanted me to start Topomax for migraines too, but then I got pregnant. I’ve never dealt with so many migraines as I have in the last 4 months…and I can’t take anything!!!

    Have to try the Weight Watchers after the baby…it sounds like a good diet. Good luck with it!

  63. Dude I totally hear you. Before kids I was 125 at 5 f 2.5 inches. Then I gained approx 80 pounds with the first, lost half then got pregnant with the second, gained another 80 or so. I stopped looking at the scale after I gained 10 lbs in one week (and no I wasn’t eating lard). Then I had the third and was 53.5 inches around. Since I had post partum depression, I was on such lovely drugs as Zoloft and Effexor which made it impossible to loose weight – I biked 18 kms a day, did weight watchers, south beach went to the gym – and nothing. Until I went off the drugs and 6 months later something started to happen SLOWLY.

    All this to say that since the third is now 16 months, and I have come off the drugs again, I have about 50 to go. So solidarity in numbers!


  64. I did The Shred on Comcast for a few weeks and I SWEAR that bitch is purse evil! I was SO sore the first day that my legs gave out on me and I fell. I shit you not, I fell..on my ass…walking up ONE step in our front room. The good news is, it’s works! She’ll kick your ass and you’ll be able to bounce a quarter off of it. Good luck, hon!

  65. I wrote a similar post a couple of months ago. I’ve lost 3 pounds but that was due to a sinus infection where I couldn’t taste or smell food for a few days. Really, what’s the point of eating then? I’ve eaten less, eaten better and exercised, but that’s it. It’s discouraging. I hope you have better luck than me.

  66. I think I would feel better if I didn’t eat chocolate just about every day (I’m addicted. I blame my mother.). And perhaps if I exercised a bit more. Well, exercised at all. I walk my son to school (a block away) and run around after my baby girl. But that’s about it. There’s an elliptical in the basement that’s just about covered in boxes and dust. I used it more when I was pregnant than I have not pregnant. And I’m so done being pregnant.

    Curious about The Shred now though…

  67. I can relate only because I have a friend who gains weight when she’s sick or doesn’t eat. SHE would be an excellent famine survivor as well.

    I won’t even talk about weight loss, because believe me, no one wants to hear ME talk about THAT.

  68. Ugh. My brother, one of my favorite people in the world, is getting married in May. His fiancee is one of those rare people who you can genuinely adore despite the fact that she weighs 95 pounds and still has boobs. So, yes, I get to be a bridesmaid. And I go back and forth. In August, I thought, “I’ve got nine months! I can totally lose weight and be a gorgeous bridesmaid! I have all the motivation I could ever need!” That morphed into the more angry “I WILL NOT BE THE FAT BRIDESMAID!” Now it’s more like “I’m destined to have a fat ass. Pass the cream.”

    Weight Watchers shocked me with the price. But apparently the free option of “exercise any time kids are sleeping and only eat things that came from the ground” isn’t happening. Let me know how it goes, because I clearly need some structure!

  69. My sobriety alcohol date is 11/24/76. But the weight has been a tougher challenge because you can’t stop eating. My husband of 15 years left me for another woman 3 months ago (I am 68 and he is 70). So I lost 20 pounds on the divorce diet–you don’t want to eat.
    Now that I have taken control of my life back, I want to lose another 20. I love all the comments here. You have a wealth of information here. I love comments that add something and many of these do. Love, Kathy

  70. Is The Shred the same thing as 30 Day Shred w/ Jillian Michaels? Cuz I friggin love that DVD. Managed to lose 9 lbs in 2 months doing that video and dieting. Good luck to you! It’s no easy task!

  71. “I donโ€™t think I can explain how frustrating it is to do all of the right things and still feel trapped by a body that wonโ€™t cooperate.”

    Story of my LIFE! ๐Ÿ˜›

    From the pics I’ve seen of you, I don’t really think you have a weight problem, but it always feels better to be in good shape, so good luck!

  72. The Shred and baggies of carrots…?

    Could we make that Shrek and um… I dunno… another food word that starts with ‘c’… how about CHOCOLATE.

    @ Kathy Berman. You haven’t just lost 20 lbs. You’ve lost about 180 lbs of ugly, ugly two-timin’ man. My favourite diet. Hang in there.

    Why hi, Aunt Becky! Yes. Yes, this IS your comments. I’ll just slink away now…

  73. I had a seizure the other night and my friend was with me. She didn’t know I had seizures and when the cops and the EMTs asked her what I had taken all she could say was “the shitting pill.”

  74. I just had to Google the highest dose of thyroid medication because I’m on 150 mcg daily (had cancer and a total thyroidectomy.) Anyway, I found the following information hilarious at the Wikipedia page.

    Right after the section on Dosage for humans and precautions the very next section is Dosage for DOGS with hypothyroidism.

    I do find that most amusing, but I’m a tad offended as well. I’ll be taking this for the rest of my natural life. Why must they talk ONLY about dogs immediately after the section about humans?

    Whatever. Good luck on finding the right dose.

  75. Okay, yes, I know, I’m terribly late to the party (again), but I wanted to add my GO AUNT BECKY GO to the chorus.

    I’m kinda sorta doing WW too, though I really need to be better about tracking things. I can do points in my head, though, which makes me dangerous to go out to lunch with, I’m told. I tend to judge everything everyone else is eating… (try it. it’s fun to fuck with people like that).

    I lost 50 pounds with WW just before I got preggers…now I gotta do it again. Sigh. Blogging about it has to help, right? I confess my sins every Saturday.

    Those people who said breastfeeding makes it melt away? Lied.

    1. @Amber I swear the people who swore that breastfeeding was going to melt those 60 pounds right off were La Leche Leaguers in disguise. I lost NOTHING nursing.

      Bitter? ME? ALWAYS.

      Good luck. We can be support buddies!

  76. Becky–You don’t know how many times I have thought about ordering a tapeworm! I remember watching a video in Micro about tapeworms. If only you didn’t have to shit it out in pieces.
    p.s. I am surprised you didn’t mention my Alli stories that Phil still laughs at me about. The stain IS right there on our couch, afterall! ๐Ÿ™‚ I will call you later

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