One of those things that I always figured I’d do when I was bored and had scads of free time, which, you know, I’m just swimming in with my three kids and houseful of pets, was to learn to decorate cakes.

I somehow forgot when I was hatching my Great Plan, that I have absolutely no eye for detail and have about as much fine motor skill as my poo-eating dog. But yes, in my head, I was going to be the next star baker.

Just like I was going to be the next Rembrandt, Britney Spears, and uh, Martha Stewart, because all of those plans were SO SUCCESSFUL.

But when I saw that I could buy something that fit my “I never got an EZ Bake Oven” fix AND test my prowess as a Master Cake Baker, I was all over it. (if you have no idea what I’m talking about, go here)(then come back)(and you should know that I do love me some Pioneer Woman)

Cake Wrecks 1

Really, I didn’t see how I could go wrong. Except that a 29-year-old woman with a full kitchen of her own had bought a toy cake bakery. That seems all kinds of wrong when you put it THAT way.

But let’s not dwell on the negative here, Internet!

Cake Wrecks 2

Microwaving, AWWW YEAH!

Now, see, THAT is the kind of cooking I can do. Short and sweet. None of those wonky STEPS that I can misconstrue or FORGET because I’ve accidentally wandered off to see what happens when I put the cat in a box.

Cake Wrecks 3

While I don’t know why someone would want a pamphlet of “DUFF” inside a box clearly marketed for children, I suppose that is neither here nor there. He seems a little, uh, CREEPY and vapid, doesn’t he? (I know he’s on the Ace of Cakes)

No accounting for taste, I guess. Which is why you read my blog.

Cake Wrecks 5

While shit, man, that’s waaaay too many instructions. I don’t need to read instructions. Those are for sissies.

Cake Wrecks 6

Why, isn’t that perfectly darling? A wee cake decorating set! I can’t figure out what most of the doo-hickies are for, but, you know, I AM READY TO LEARN. Providing I don’t have to READ WORDS and FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS.

Cake Wrecks 7

Well, THAT is fancy-pants. It’s either a toothbrush holder…or a sex toy. Kind of advanced for children.

Huh.

If parents can get outraged by the Fresh Beat Band, why not providing our children SEX TOYS!!1!! OH THE HUMANITY!!

Guess you know what I’ll wander off to do.

….

BRUSH MY TEETH, YOU PERVERTS.

Cake Wrecks 8

Here we go, with some mother-humping yellow cake. That’s wicked yellow and I stirred it approximately 4.3 times before it was mixed thoroughly. Because that is the way I make cake, bitches.

Cake Wrecks 9

Well, now, here I have expertly poured two thimbles of cake into the microwave pan where I shall bake it for exactly 30 seconds. How can this be bad?

(cue ominous music)

Cake Wrecks 10

Well. That…uh, looks appetizing. It’s really a shame that I can’t make this blog post scratch and sniff, because this smells like burning hair.

nom nom nom SOYLENT GREEN nom nom nom.

Cake Wrecks 11

The Soylent Green patties are, I should note, about the size that one might expect to feed a wee field mouse. I am holding my lens cap up for perspective.

Cue the old joke… “the food was so bad….And there was so little of it!”

Cake Wrecks 12

In an effort to cover up the horrible yellow color of the cake, I have chosen blue as my fondant color. Note my expert mixing technique. I should probably get a medal from the Mixing Olympics.

Cake Wrecks 13

This fondant looks like a pile of, well, blue…poo.

I’m certain that I can roll it out and make it look better.

Cake Wrecks 15

Oh. Well. Um.

Maybe I should have read the directions.

I know, I’ll read them now!

Cake Wrecks 14

Okay, that looks NOTHING like what I’ve got.

Uh. Well. I KNOW. NEXT STEP.

Cake Wrecks 16

Icing. I can cover this with icing. THAT’S ALL. I bet it’ll look as good as new in NO TIME.

Cake Wrecks 17

That looks a lot like we’re about to artificially inseminate something. WICKED.

Cake Wrecks 18

My pre-iced cake on it’s pretty little platform. Doesn’t it look like, well, someone with no thumbs decorated it?

Scratch that. People without thumbs could do better. BLIND people without thumbs could do better.

Cake Wrecks 19

Aunt Becky’s Weapon of Mass Destruction. The ICING GUN. Prepare to meet your MAKER.

Cake Wrecks 20

Uh. WHOOPS.

I genuinely do not know what I did wrong here. It appears as though my icing gun misfired.

(cue inappropriate jokes)

Cake Wrecks 21

UGLY CAKE, PREPARE TO MEET YOUR MAKER, uh, PART II.

Cake Wrecks 22

Awww! Lookit my whimsical, drippy heart! With some balls thrown on it for good measure. Because everything is made better with colorful balls and icing.

(go ahead)(make your jokes, people)

Cake Wrecks 23

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the reason that you do not want me to cook when you come to my house. THIS is the reason that I order takeout.

Because while this appears to have been done for comedic value, it actually was not. This was genuinely the best that I could do.

I’m pretty sure my poo eating dog could have done better.

Comments

comments

145 thoughts on “In The Kitchen With Aunt Becky

  1. LMAO – I do so love your photo blogs!!!

    Last Christmas, I got my 5 year old the Cupcake Maker, as she HADDDD to HAVVVVE it. Yeah. We made cupcakes once, and they tasted liked baked ass. They did look slightly better than your blue confection though.

    I have to ask…did you eat it?

  2. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OMG! That is hysterical! That is one tiny cake. I never make layer cakes because I am not capable of doing more than a single layer of icing. I can’t get the second cake to line up on the bottom one & Then I can’t manage to ice the sides without getting cake crumbs in everything.

    Betty Crocker sheet cake all the way in my house

    1. Put the cooked, cooled layers of cake in the freezer before icing. For like, a half hour. Just so the outside is kinda hard-ish (so technical here, bwuahaha) and doesn’t crumb like crazy. Then ice each layer individually on it’s own piece of wax paper, so it doesn’t get stuck to a plate or some shit. Freeze again, to harden the outside of the icing into NOT gooping off when you try sliding shit around. Don’t worry, the freezing hurts nothing. Professional bakeries do it all the time, especially in hotter climates so their cakes don’t look like ass when the icing runs. When fully assembled, store covered (do not let anything touch the icing, or it will be a nasty goopy mess thanks to condensation) in the fridge until ready to serve. I forget when my grandmother said to decorate… before or after the icing thaws. I’ll have to ask her.

      (Did I mention she did cakes, like, professionally? For years? So I swear my info’s good. Hand to god… er, my grandmother. Actually, I think I’d take that vow more seriously. O.o My grams is scary, yo.)

        1. ROFLMFAO! Hey, just because I understand the THEORY doesn’t necessarily mean I do so well in practice! (Though it just so happens I am AWESOME at cake making. Red velvet, anyone? Just… don’t be dieting and ask me to make cake. I use real fucking butter, whole eggs, and often full-fat cream cheese in my frosting. Because it’s fucking CAKE, dude. Don’t expect it to be healthy. I’m Southern. Healthy cake is a crime against nature in our book.)

  3. LMFAO! I have this huuuge to-do list, but you keep tempting me with your blog pages!! I found you after looking at the bloggie awards..had to open your page..read one article i so voted for you! lol now ive spent half the morning reading your blog!! shame on you! OH & im following you on twitter & tweeting about you..so others are just as distracted as I am! LOL

    Seriously though..cake decorating is hard. I cant do it. thats why i have friends make my kids cakes LOL i DID have an easy bake oven..i usually just ate the batter..coz wtf can expect a child to wait an HOUR for a LIGHTBULB to cook a damned cake. seriously?! uhm no. i think your cake came out looking pretty good..all things considered! id have read the directions..and then my cake would have looked worse! lol so reading directions doesnt always equal doing it right lol but i NEED to know..did you dare to eat it? or feed it to the dog? have you ever cooked something that the dog took one sniff, licked, and then sat down and started licking his butt to get the taste out of his mouth? i have. dh teases me constantly about it. bastard. ok..thats all. back to sneezing my head off, wetting myself & working on well..”work” stuff πŸ™‚

  4. You really should submit this to Cake Wrecks…and no I’m not making fun of you, as my cake baking skills are probably far worse. Thanks for making me laugh this morning.

  5. Oh my goodness. I’m so glad I peed before I read your post.

    Like others, I want to know what it tastes like (if you tried it).

    I tried baking something new last week and I spent most of the time laughing maniacally. It was all I could do — that and telling myself just to keep on going.

  6. When I was a kid, my mother would never get me an Easy Bake Oven, I think it was on my Christmas list for 5 years. I think that I was scarred for life over that it. As soon as my oldest was old enough I bought it. We made 5 cakes in one day and never used the stupid thing again. No wonder my mom wouldn’t buy it for me.

  7. Suddenly a rainy monday at work just got way funnier.

    Tiny cake in a microwave, gross. Your blog, hilarious.

    Maybe I will go home after work and bake . . .

  8. This was the present that was to rock all others. Christmas Eve, Zoe (age 6) is all “let’s make cupcakes”, I am all “heck yea!”, 30 mins later both of us were covered in goo, trying to poke the the now drying cement out of the spinning cupcake thingy, we gave up. Now it sits on top of the fridge waiting for the day that we both forget how unbelievably so not “full of the awesome” it is and bring it back down to play. Which with our attention span was last week, and guess what? it still spewed thick pink icing all over us. We will try again

  9. Hmmm. Duff is endorsing cake that can be made in the microwave.

    Maybe I sould call my friend in Baltimore and tell her it’s probably a good thing she didn’t spend $5,000 on her wedding cake to get it done by him.

  10. Sweetie, I feel your pain. I once tried to take a glass blowing class. I envisioned my masterpieces. (shit- at least recognizable figures) I tried to make shot glasses. OY. Couldn’t exactly give those out as gifts.

  11. I have seen ace of cakes and I like cake boss better.

    I think you did a swell job. You don’t have all the fancy schmansy equipment the shows have.

    I’d eat your cake (no dirty joke intended. Really.)
    Besides, anything more than a mouthful is a waste, and probably more than I could handle LOL!

  12. Thank you, thank you. I am so glad that somebody else makes cakes as, um, lovely, as my own creations.

    I would totally say your son made it. Or say you were high. Depends on the audience, I guess.

    I mean only love, only love.

  13. I lost it when I read “It’s either a toothbrush holder…or a sex toy.” and I didn’t stop laughing through the end of the post. Thanks for the laughs.

  14. Rock on Aunt Becky. Making Monday mornings everywhere fun and hilarious. That cake is just full of the Awesome. You have some serious talent, for wrecking cakes that is! I had an easy bake oven when I was little, but I don’t think it contributed to my baking skills as an adult, so you have not missed out, really. I can bake a mean apple pie, cheesecake, just about anything sweet and fattening. I don’t try to get all decorative and artsy though. I’m good with just yummy tasting. And since our grocery store (Publix) makes such amazing cake (my mouth is now watering just thinking of it), I never even bother trying. I’d rather order theirs. Speaking of which, countdown to my son’s b-day party (a chance to shamelessly eat tons of the sugary goodness), less than 2 weeks!!! Yay!

  15. Oh Em Gee, that is rad!! Your cake.. um, rules! I’m pretty sure you were supposed to roll out the blue poo with the sex toy, but whatevs. This might beat the microwave Thai food post.

  16. This is hilarious! First of all Duff does look like a perv. Second of all, my daughter got an easy bake cake icing kit and it looks just like this. I got all pissed off at it (grew impatient when I realized I had to read instructions too) and made the hubs help her with it while I took photos (which he enjoyed just a wee bit too much methinks).

  17. Between the cake dildo, the pile of blue poo, and the icing inseminator, I nearly wet myself.

    If nothing else, the tiny cake set provides hours of entertainment for your loyal minions!

  18. I totally got one of these for my daugter for Christmas and we made one the day after… oMG it was horrible! I did get the frosting squirter working after like 20 mins but how the F was that supposed to be fondant? and did you taste it?? She wouldn’t even eat and she’s 3! lol

    ahh well…. she did have fun ahha

  19. Really?! I mean REALLY?! This made my week. There might be somewhat less telnted than me in the baking department and there is actual photgraphic evidence to prove. Where were you last week for my husband’s birthday. I could have used your help.

  20. thank you for letting me live vicariously through your experiences, on more than one occasion i have been tempted to buy one of those because i never had an ezbake oven either! and just for your information, mine would not have turned out any better..you my friend…have talent!

  21. I don’t have time to read the entire thing, but those pics have left me laughing my ass off. I laughed harder and louder as I scrolled down. Too funny, the cake looks fabulous … πŸ˜‰

  22. I am sitting at work crying from reading this. You really have a way with words! Not so much with baking though. Did you ever find out what the sex toy was actually for?

  23. Thank you for making me laugh like a loon at work! (Fortunately, no one is around to notice.) That was hilarious. And your little cake is really rather adorable. (I don’t do cake-decorating either. Other baking, sure. Cake decorating–nuh-uh. Just frosting cupcakes annoys me.)

    And OMG–The Pioneer Woman! I have been looking at her recipes for only a few minutes and I already want to make them ALL. Plus, her step-by-step photo-illustrated instructions are AWESOME. You have enriched my life with that link! πŸ™‚

  24. Oh dear.

    Dear, Sweet Baby Jeebus.

    That kit is simply…wrong. I mean, sure, sex toys and cake can go together (???) but not FOR THE CHILDREN!

    Sheesh.

    I would like to tell you that the next time I see you I will totally help you master the whole cake decorating thing, but um, did you SEE my leaning tower of caramel cake that I ended up making? ‘Twas not my finest hour. Which is why I just make cupcakes now and stuff the frosting in the middle because no one really cares what it looks like then. THEY’RE ALL JUST AFTER THE SUGAR HIGH.

  25. Poor Aunt Becky …. I blame your parents for denying you the tools necessary (i.e. Easy Bake Oven) that would have supported your career as an all-star pastry chef.

    It’s sad really.

    So sad I’m going to crack open a 40 oz. of Old English and pour some on the ground out of respect for the death of your cake baking skills. I got your back, yo.

  26. Come on, fess up! Amelia made that, right?

    Oh, so good. I snorted through the post and I only snort when something’s hysterical.

    I, too, love the Pioneer Woman so much. The only thing is when I go to her site, with her photography and her livestock herding and her redecorating and her cooking and not to mention, snagging a hot cowboy, I feel like a total loser. But, then I come here and look, look what you do! You make that cake and I feel a tad bit better about myself. Thanks, Becky!

  27. I am soooo sorry to laugh at you, but I am tearing up right now. I have never seen a sorrier cake, but thank the heavens that you can blog like its nobodys businees. Some talents are totally unnecessary anyways!!! Besides, just think of all the people that would hassle you to bake their cakes if it actually looked good?? Whew!! dodged that bullet.

  28. Blame your lack of an EZ Bake Oven for your lack of kitchen prowess. I find that’s a safe thing to do…

    But, while I am sorry this kit shattered your cake decorating dreams, I’m glad you shared it with us, because I needed a laugh.

    Thanks.

  29. I admire your willingness to admit that this was not the desired outcome. I would have “I meant to do that” and called it an “ode” to pop art, while hoping that nobody noticed that I misused the word ode.

    It does have an Andy Warhol feel though doesn’t it?

  30. I’d eat it. Looks perfectly edibleish to me. Might need to drop it on the floor a few times to make it look more natural, but that’s not a big deal, we’ll get it done.

  31. I convinced my mom to buy my daughter an easy bake oven for Christmas this year and she and I baked a birthday cake today for Kevin…..(ya know her dad, that guy I married). Anyway, I think I might have to post a photo of the cake that she and I made….and by saying she and I…I really mean that I made it…..and it’s not much better than your cake. Oh well….So glad I had you to review it for me though, now I don’t want one.

  32. I guarantee you that if I had that toy back in my food addiction days, which just ended about an hour ago and held strong until I remembered there is ice cream in the house, I’d still be in a tiny cake sugar stupor on my bedroom floor. Hell, I’d skip the cake and mainline the frosting with that fancy decorator tip!

  33. hahahaha, when the picture of the blue goo was up, my & year old came up and said, Ugh, what’s that, poo?

    Gave me a good laugh!

  34. I really want to blog now about my Barbie cake incident. Barbie ended up looking like she was being eaten by a large pink pillow covered in sprinkles. Oh and it was Mermaid Barbie, so she had a tail sticking out. I really should post a picture for the world to see. I would totally love to make cakes with you!!! πŸ˜‰

    PS – You had my vote at hello.

  35. I’m a professional cake decorator and there are tears streaming down my face reading this post. My husband has just screamed from the next room to laugh a little quieter.

    I recognise none of this equipment but susspect the majority of it will resurface next Christmas in a kiddies Give yourself a boob job kit.

    Under the circumstances you have done a fair job and if you ever relocate to Scotland contact me, I may hire you.

  36. Oh my god, between the pink, uh, tube and the icing firing….that was enough comedy, but well….oh honey you tried so hard and I am proud. Maybe you should see how Amelia might be able to make one?

  37. I thought cake wrecks was all about supposedly PROFESSIONAL bakers do this stuff.

    I know you can do better Bex, I think I have seen your cupcakes. But this is hilarious in the EZ Bake oven kind of way.

    Oh and the misfire thing? You are my soul sister. My mind totally went there immediately.

  38. I just have to know: Was it eatable? Would the poo eating dog even eat it? Cause I’m thinking that if he would, then maybe you should consider catering! That’s a GREAT IDEA!

  39. ROFLMAO!! I love you πŸ™‚

    So there’s one thing I can do that Super Becky Overachiever can’t, hey? I made and decorated my own wedding cake and Sophie’s first birthday cake, and they were goood.

    You can come to my place for cake anytime. In Australia.

  40. Your cakes and my schlong-sporting puppy and teddy bear marshmallow lollipops would go well together. I guess this means you won’t be adding a cooking show to your multi-media empire?

  41. Awwwwwww that’s totally how a cake would turn out if I made it! I’m planning on taking some classes in the near future though so hopefully that would help! Thanks for sharing this funny post hehe!

  42. I haven’t laughed so hard in a while. Fantastic post! The next time you feel like rolling fondant, skype me. I’d be happy to walk you through it!

    Also – you don’t need an easybake oven for microwaved cake – that’s actually a really easy recipe – just pour the stuff into a coffee mug and nuke for a few minutes – pour some chocolate ganache (also very easy) over it and call it a day!

    I’m no Martha, but I’m pretty decent. I’d be happy to pass on what I know. Saying that, I made my sister’s (gamecockmama) wedding cake back in 2001. The dowel rod on the bottom tier fell – the hotel thought it was “melting” – (fondant does not melt) and tried to fucking Redi Whip to repair the frosting shells I piped. Oh – and since they thought it was melting, they decided to stick it in the freezer – which made the whole damn think look like it was sweating, on top of being five tiers rising at a steep angle. I refer to it as the leaning tower of fondant, and trust me – MANY flowers were used to cover up the snafus.

  43. That’s some classy work! I looked at your sex toy thing and thought “tampon holder” too. I have faith that, had you read the directions, it would have been much more attractive, but I doubt it would tast better.

    BTW – Betty Crocker or someone makes microwaveable cakes that are edible (if you’re desperate for baked goods). They’re called warm delights. Look! Now you can make dessert to go with your takeout!

  44. OMG! Even before the bottle of wine, you were cracking me up! As a child of the 70’s who survived without an EBO,B (Easy Bake Oven, Bitches)I can so feel the need to create THE cake! Thanks for sharing your attempt (and obvious success) at grabbing the Golden Ring of baking. There is hope for us all!

  45. Oh Aunt Becky… that’s ummm… special.

    Tell ya what; you do funny, I’ll do cakes. And if you ever find yourself in southern Ontario… we can do funny cakes together!

  46. You should send that pic into Cake Wrecks just for shits and giggles, then make fun of them when they actually put it on their site.

    You did NOT grow your finger nails out that long. SHIT! How do you wipe your ass or open a can of Diet Coke? You must have some strong nails, woman.

  47. Whoa! What are the odds? This must be a popular toy, or whatever you’d call it. I imagine that rolling pin was a pretty popular toy in a previous life, too.

    My daughter just got this same set for her birthday, and I posted a picture of that rolling pin to hear people’s guesses of what it was. Needless to say, no one got it right.

    Your cake results don’t give me high hopes for what to expect once the kids finally force me to find some C batteries to get this thing going. I mean the cake spinning machine, of course, not the “rolling pin”.

  48. Oh, you made me LAUGH!

    I love it on those teevee cooking shows when they sling the icing into that squeeze bag and make it look all easy. Cuz I cannot do that. I end up with icing all over the outside of the bag and the front of me and then i cry and just eat the icing.

  49. I LOVE Pioneer woman!
    I recently “discovered” her and read thru the archives of her love life at work.
    For almost two days of wasted work time.
    (took me so long because actual work kept getting in the way – bastard)
    I like your cake.
    It reminds me of you.
    In a good way.

    tee hee.

    1. Pioneer Woman is full of The Awesome. Someone was all “you hate her!” and I was all, hall no I don’t! I love her and wish I could be her. But shit, I am no cook OR photoblogger. So instead, this is what I am. A shitty cook with a forlorn cake.

  50. LOL – Wow that sucks. In your defense, those NEVER come out well. My daughter desperately needed that kit. Granted, her cake looked a bit better than yours, it wasn’t fit for human or animal consumption. What a let down. For some reason, I just know the EZ Bake oven was better.

  51. Those pictures were awesome!!

    Baking cakes is scary to me. That’s why I stick with Costco cakes. For $15 and some change, I can get a big ass cake that is way more delish than something I could ever bake. Or decorate.

  52. Wow….for a second I thought I was reading your blog over at Toy With Me!!!

    What is the problem with The Fresh Beats??? Seriously, parents are bichin about that show now too? Guess I need to get my shotgun out & dispose of the TV now {sigh}

  53. So, I’m checking out who to vote for for the blogies and you win by a landslide without even having to read the others. I could not stop laughing!

  54. dude, srsly- did i miss this gem or did I coomment in a sleep deprived hazy and somehow FORGET? NO FUCKING WAY. Come to florida, I’ll make you rainbow cake

  55. I was already to say WTF kind of cake decorating is THAT, when sadly I realized that were I to attempt it myself it would most likely look just like that…. only without the blue color, cause really, blue?

  56. That was seriously one of the funniest things ever.

    I’m a baker, but I have no decorating skills and mad shaky hands. But I am the cupcake queen. Seriously. My blog runneth over with cupcakes.

    I’m gonna stick with your problem being the whole kit thing. Definitely.

  57. I haven’t cried that hard in a long time. I need to thank you from the bottom of my blue icing filled heart. I think you could have a great cooking blog!!

  58. My mom wouldn’t get me an Easy Bake Oven because she said I could just use the real one.

    This was coming from a woman who knew the turkey was done when the smoke alarms went off.

    I am now a woman who can (well, could…I’m not allowed to cook unsupervised now) set a cheesecake on fire while cooking it.

    I solved the cake decorating problem by setting up a family tradition that the kids decorate their own birthday cakes.

  59. ohhhh becky, how did i miss this???
    i love your pathetic little cake. tho i want one of those sets!!!

    *hugs&kisses*
    your BBFF

  60. I’m so glad I’m not alone in being a craptastic baker. I had to run out in the dark of night to buy me some Pillsbury sugar cookie roll up thingies when the ones I made for my kid’s hippie school fundraiser turned into a disaster, even by my standards, which are nil. My mom informed me on a recent visit that I’ve been reading the little markings on butter packages wrong for the last 30 years and have doubled it for every recipe I’ve ever made. i.e. that’s why my banana bread turns into a boiling pan of fat. My husband is convinced I’ve been trying to kill him…with butter.

  61. Sneakily reading your blog at work. Stealth went right out the window as the pictures got worse and worse and then I read, “Because while this appears to have been done for comedic value, it actually was not. This was genuinely the best that I could do.”. Awesome, just awesome. πŸ˜€

  62. I have to say this is one of the most hilarious posts I’ve ever read. You have a fun, unique sense of humor that I don’t see all the time. It is so great to read a blog with someone who says what they actually think without making it outrageous or overly proper.

    You’ve got a life time subscriber lol!

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