times-motherfucker

It made the Sunday cover of the Life & Style section of time times. Which, WILD.

So imagine my surprise when I get a shout out in an article about my friend Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, from The New York Times. Certainly you should all take to the editor with your spears and torches to tell nay, to SCREAM to them that I am highly unworthy of such an honor.

Because, obviously.

———-

I stay at home now, with my kids, retired from my chosen profession at 26 and I write while my husband goes out and earns the bucks for us. It’s like a 50’s throwback here, without the pearl necklaces (something I’m ITCHING to bring back) and candied hams.

The Daver works in finance, which is a somewhat nebulous term that people typically respond to with a harsh intake of air and a drawn out, “Oooooh.” Since the Crash of Ought Eight, people tend to have a different perception of “working in finance.”

I don’t understand a single thing that The Daver does, and when he tries to explain, my eyes glaze over the same way that his do when I talk about my latest email from my agents. But, for all intents and purposes, what “working in finance” means to me is that he’s almost never home. A 70 hour work week is a relatively easy week for him.

Add to that an hour plus commute each way and you can easily call me a single mother during the week. Oh, don’t worry, I’m not up on the cross about it or anything; I’m sure some new mother needs the wood. To me, it’s just the way it is.

And while I did choose to have my three children, I didn’t expect that I would have to lose myself in the process to be successful.

Certainly, I am Ben’s mother, Amelia’s mother, Alex’s mother, Dave’s wife, daughter of Ann and Joe. Sister of Aaron. But I’m more than the sum of who I am to other people. This includes my children.

Sure, I suppose, I could go back to work to reclaim the Becky I was, now lost among piles of diapers and educational toys, but that wouldn’t solve anything. I’m fortunate that I’m able to stay home with my children, I’m not going to deny that, but, like any other choice, there are consequences.

It seems to me that with small children–even making the choice to have them–comes a loss of self.

Because for every healthful morsel I can shove down my kids gullet comes a meal I’ll eat cold and gluey. For every doctors appointment that I schlep someone to and from, I never can quite make the time to get my own blood work done. I peck out words onto my keyboard in between poopy butts and loads of laundry, and I’m expected to apologize for taking this time for myself.

I could, after all, be spending it growing my own organic food and mowing the lawn with my teeth. As Dave and I frequently joke, it never ends, does it? And it doesn’t.

That’s okay with me, honestly, because childhood doesn’t last forever.

My kids will grow up, go to college and move out (presumably). They’ll lay on faceless therapists’ couches and spill out all of my secrets: I didn’t prepare a three course gluten-free trans-fat free organic meal for dinner. I selfishly wrote about them and their lives. I reminded them every day that they should never lose track of who they are and what they want and that made them feel…angry?

They’ll grow up and be gone and I’ll have plenty of time to myself then. I’m sure I’ll spend a bit of that time wishing I’d done something different: spent less time worrying about washing their hair and more time inhaling that new baby smell. Knowing it will end helps me savor it.

And I do.

But I’m not selfless enough to live my life for my children. Nor, do I think, would they, as adults, want me to.

So no, I’m not going to apologize if I have a drink with my husband after they go to bed. I’m not sorry that I carve out some time each day to write and to connect with other people. I can’t tell you that I’m going to stop looking for things to fulfill my need to be Becky, As Herself and not Just Mom. They’re not mutually exclusive, people.

Lest you picture me passed out on the couch with a bottle of vodka next to my head, as the name of my blog implies, while my poor–WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?– children fend for themselves, let me assure you that I couldn’t tell you the last time that I actually had a drink. It wasn’t today, or yesterday, or last week. And when I *did* have a drink, I had just one.

The last time that I got soused was well over 3 years ago. I’m compulsive, maybe, but not when it comes to The Drink. I don’t have the luxury of a hangover any longer and I don’t care to wake up the Day After to pay for what I’d done the Night Before. It’s not my thing.

But responsibly letting your hair down with your friends, getting loud and obnoxious, or having kinky wild butt-sex with your husband? I can’t see the fault in that. Life–with or without children–can be tedious. It can be tedious, it can be boring, and it can feel long.

Certainly, that doesn’t mean that one should drink a fifth of Absolut, smoke a doob and get behind the wheel of a car. There’s nothing funny whatsoever about drunk driving or parenting while intoxicated, don’t mistake my meaning here. There’s no excuse for that sort of behavior, no matter how isolated, neglected, abused or miserable one may be.

There’s a happy medium to be found, I know that there is, between here and there. Between living for yourself and for someone else. And I like to pretend that it involves a cabana boy named Carlos and his well chiseled, oiled chest.

But maybe I’m wrong.

His name could very well be Paulo.

————–

So, Gentle Internet, what do YOU think?

Comments

comments

95 thoughts on “In Defense Of The Cocktail Mom

  1. All I can say is that I would have given anything for the outlet of blogging when I was a young mother. I did lose myself. Over and over. And then, found myself over and over. But my god, it would have been such a blessing.
    Don’t stop. Don’t feel guilty. Do what you do. It’s all for the best.

  2. I think this post was absolutely brilliant!!! You said it so very well. Life changes in such a huge way once you have children, it’s amazing any sense of your old self is there. It’s hard, with diaper changing all day, and food to cook (and for me that is. like, mashed potatoes or mac and cheese) and children to bathe, and play with and put to bed. I love it, truly, but it is tiring. And I work full time during the week. I went back to work when my first born was 6 months old, and I went back to work when my second baby turned 1 years old. I miss out on a lot when I am at work, and I know I just couldn’t do it as a stay at home mom. Or maybe I could. I admire every mom who is a stay at home mom, because it is easier to get into the office everyday. No matter what gets thrown my way at work, it’s far easier then being at home! Don’t get me wrong – being a mom and being with my children is what my life is all about, and I’m so blessed and happy about being their mommy, but you know, it’s hard. And I’m rambling… so thanks again for this wonderful, truthful, bang-on post.

  3. A very well-thought-out and well-written piece. I never had children. Never wanted them. Sharing and compromise are not my strong suits. Also another reason why I’m single. I do admire those who can do the mommy thing though, because it just looks so damn hard. Kudos to you. You seem to have a real handle on it. You’re right to take time for yourself. No one likes a martyr mommy.

  4. I think that it’s as bad for your kids and for yourself to be a martyr and never give yourself a break or take a drink. You’re setting and example for your kids of what kinds of adults to be/want to marry and I know you don’t want Amelia to grow up to be a Mombot, or for Alex to expect his girlfriends to be that way.

    Just because Stephanie feels that she drinks to the point that she needs to cut back, that doesn’t mean that everyone drinks as much as she did, or that everyone else should quit too. She’s certainly not saying that and it isn’t the lesson that anyone should take from this.

    And you know what? If vacuuming while wearing pearls makes the vacuuming less odious, then go for it.

  5. Well said. Motherhood – Parenthood – stay at home, working, etc – is very tough. And the most important job we will ever have. My daughter is 26 now – and I still want vodka sometimes. But she’s my best friend. And I wouldn’t trade a single moment of choosing to be a parent. I think you’re fabulous and I love reading your blog. You’re very real. Very brave. And very honest.

  6. Amen, sister!

    One of C’s big concerns about having kids is losing our own identities as people and as adults, unable to alk about anything but our kids’ poop or dietary habits.

    Thanks for saying it!

  7. I’ve never pictured you passed out with a bottle of vodka next to your head…I’ve always pictured it by your feet 🙂 Seriously though, I got so used to be called so and so’s mother that it would take me a minute to respond when someone called me by my actual name. I still turn around anytime I hear a child call out “mommy.” My mother did this even after all of her kids were grown and had children of their own.

  8. Ohh you have a Carlos too?! Mine is a mute, is yours?

    I love your blog, obviously. Not becuase Vodka is in the title but becuase what you write is real. Real is important. Weather one has children or not, it’s still important.

    I agree, it is important to take time for yourself. No matter what that is. Well, it should be done responsibly. There has been an occasion or two when my limit wasn’t what i thought it was, but my husband was ALWAYS there. Not with me, with the kids, of course. Him with me, well that’s just silly! We let our hair down every once in awhile, but one of us us home with the children, or they are with family. Or we wait until they go to bed. Then we shut and lock our door *hubba hubba*

    People need to calm the fuck down already! Who cares if a blog has a alcohol reference in the title. maybe read a post or two and you will realize, it’s all done in FUN! And I shall step off my soap box now and let someone else have a turn.
    *HUGS*

  9. I guess this is the latest internet trend. Harassing mothers who drink…as if you can’t have a bit of alcohol without being an alcoholic. Annoying. Hasn’t the three martini lunch been a badge of honor in the male working world? Anyway, I would be very unlikely to have a glass of wine at a playdate, but why shouldn’t I have one at dinner?

    Having children changes your life, for sure. That doesn’t mean you should totally discard all the things that you enjoy because it might take time away from your children. That’s how you get your kids into therapy – focusing on them all the time will make them crazy. Do some things for yourself, and let them either learn how to have fun with Daddy (or Grandma, or the next door neighbor) or how to entertain themselves. Both skills are important.

    BTW, I’m sure the Daver will be happy to provide you with a “pearl necklace.” 😉

  10. I stick with my original premise:

    The times is a rag.

    The reporter is shallow.

    The editor…. Was there an editor?

    You, Miss Becky, remind me of a very cool woman I once knew.
    My aunt. Except you are way younger then me, so you are way way younger then she.

  11. Ditto!
    It’s not healthy for anyone to lose themselves for the sake of anyone. Even their kids. It goes back to the concept of the oxygen mask on a plane. You have to take care of yourself first, before you can be in any shape to take care of someone else.

    Being a mom doesn’t mean you come last. It just means you have more people depending on you.

    Plus, this is a lose/lose situation. If you stay home, people say you have it easy and to shut up about it. But if you work, you are obviously a terrible parent, letting someone else raise your kids.

    I say everyone STFU and deal with their own problems instead of worrying about everyone else!

  12. I remember when my sister had her first child. She told me how they didn’t do anything fun anymore because they “were parents now”. When I was pregnant I kept thinking of that and wondering if we’d still be fun people. After my son was born I was entirely “his mom”. I didn’t work, and he was my only priority. It didn’t last long. It couldn’t. I deffinately lost myself, and was not a happy person. It took awhile to work things out. I found hobbies, interests. I went back to school. Eventually got a job (when he was older). I am happier having my own identity.

    With that being said, I do have a problem with parents who drag their children with them to adult parties. Or people who drink heavily at children’s parties. I don’t see a problem with having a drink or two around your children, but I just don’t think children belong around drunk adults. I will never understand parents who bring their three year old to a 40th birthday party and then get hammered in front on him.

    But that’s just me.

  13. I think you said it all very well. To each his own. If you don’t do what makes you happy and what you think will make your children and family happy along the way then you’re just wasting time. It doesn’t matter if you have a crazy day or night of drinking along the way. The only thing that really matters is happiness and doing your best along the way.

  14. I have heard that once your name is published in the New York Times, they will publish your obituary when you die. I wonder if your shout-out counts?
    Something to look forward to, is all…

    Jen

  15. *un-stalk*

    I grew up the child of an alcoholic and drug addict. He was a product of Vietnam – what else was there for him to be? He sobered up and has been such a wonderful part of all of our lives for over 20 years.

    When I originally saw the title of your blog…I hesitated. :o) I prefer rum. Then I read it, and have read it everyday since.

    As the daughter of an alcoholic, you learn to take nothing at face value – investigate it for yourself. Words are empty. Anybody can say ‘I’m sorry’ – it’s actions that mean something. You prove everyday that you have been separated from my family in someway. If you were part Vietnamese, I’d demand a DNA test!! :o)

    Your blog makes me laugh out loud at 2:30 in the morning after I’ve put my 7 month old down (again) so he can wake up in another 3 hours.

    Anyone who would say negative things about you, doesn’t know you as the ‘Aunt Becky’ that we all know. And there is a WE out there. Plenty of parents have experienced a ‘poo-splosion’ or two in their day, right? Let’s discuss.

    Because that is what it’s all about right? That is why people ‘drink’ right? (and I say ‘drink’ because there IS a difference) People drink to drown out the demons. So they’ll be quiet. So that you can forget.

    If you talk about the demons everyday….why would you need to drown them out? :o) WE are so much better than therapy any damn way.

    There is a point to my rambling post. I just wanted you to know Aunt Becky, the kind of people who are out there in Never Never Land reading your blog. The kind of people you give a smile to each day.

    Because the thought of the Daver giving you a pearl necklace in the Lord Licorice outfit is enough to make me pee my pants with laughter!!! :o) And, oddly enough, want to see pictures of it. Probably just him in the outfit would suffice. And my oh my, kinky butt sex. Where would we be without it??? :o) Overcrowding the planet – thats for sure.

    And my pool boy….always has been a big buff tan college student – looking for a way to help earn his way through school….and finds me! :o) I’ve never thought of him being mute…but he never speaks – so there’s hope right??? :o)

    Keep your chin up Aunt Becky….Fuck ’em. :o)

    *re-stalk*

  16. ROCK ON. This was exactly what I was trying to say yesterday. Why wouldn’t it come out that way?!?

    You know, I wish that the grand people at the NYT would put THIS on the opposite sidebar from the other article. This is exactly what that other piece was sorely lacking.

    Awesome!

  17. Aunt Becky, you really are the coolest. When I read the article yesterday I was really confused as to why the NYT people didn’t see the irony or humor in the title of your blog. They definitely didn’t do their homework properly.

    Very very well said.

  18. Sometimes, my dear friend. Can I call you that? You do have to spell it out for people. With big red letters. Now this doesn’t apply to some people, because some people can’t read.

    Hugs and Mocha,
    Stesha

  19. Becky, I swear, I’ve decided you are my new best friend. Because you totally get it. Not many folks I know in person do. Just my husband, which is why I married him, duh. I’m thankful I stumbled on your blog one day, and I’ve been reading ever since. Keep writing, because escaping for 5 minutes and reading your posts helps the rest of us keep a little bit of ourselves sane in the midst of the poopy diapers and such. And you’re such a damn amazing writer. I’m jealous. But then if I were writing, I wouldn’t have the time to be reading your awesome posts. Ack. Whatever, I’m sure you know what I mean because, well, you’re like that. Peace.

  20. Kinky butt sex? Parents still have the energy for that? What am I doing wrong?

    I’ve had a big professional career for 16 years and I love it, and I now love being a mommy more than words can express, but not to the exclusion of everything else. As a working mom I feel a fair bit of guilt and I feel stretched beyond belief but I do get some real satisfaction out of being me, who people know and respect as a professional. I know I wouldn’t like my identity being swallowed up if I were a SAHM. So we each pick our poison and go with it. And I seriously got my ass kicked by three drinks on Friday night. I am so lame these days. party is no longer a verb in my vocabulary.

  21. Aunt Becky,

    You see this with tremendous clarity. As a full time working mom, I get further divided in identity and also have to make a conscious effort to keep all things in balance. That balance includes you as a person. Those who think that you should feel guilty if you sneak out for a pedicure, have a drink with friends or have a dinner out with your husband that does not include a kids menu, can bite it. Clearing our heads with a little adult time helps bring everything else into focus. We are ultimately better for it and so are they. Those that don’t understand, want to keep the wood you mentioned and climb up on it at every moment given.

  22. Thank you for this. I think so many moms gloss over the fact that their kids won’t be kids forever. Whining and bitching and moaning about it (while sometimes absolutely necessary and warranted) isn’t going to change the fact that 20 years from now, when the kids are gone and we are alone in an empty, quiet house, we’re going to long for today. In my opinion, losing myself in my children for a few years is more than worth it.

  23. Did you kidnap my brain and decide to write a blog post with it?!?! As I’ve said before, I did not leave my brain in the hospital with my placenta.

  24. I am actually visiting your blog right now because I just saw the offending article… saw it at 4:30 PM rather than Sunday morning when I would have back in the days before motherhood. I had to wait until nap time, after the dishes and laundry were done to read a bit of the Sunday paper.

    At first, I thought, “Cool, I know that blog! She is awesome!”

    Then I thought, “But wait… that blog IS NOT focused on drinking. Puh-leeze!”

    Have your drink when you like to. Anyone who reads you regularly knows you are not drowning in booze while the kids are nearby.

    Mommies need to have lives, too!

    I wonder if you’ll get a flood of new readers from this, curious to read a mother’s tale of drunken child neglect? Sorry, folks, you will be disappointed.

  25. whatever to them!

    it’s hard being a mom when hubby is gone most of the week, whether you work or whether you stay home. it’s hard. it’s very hard. i’ve done both (stay at home and worked) with only 2 kids and a hubby who is on call at the hospital.

    anyhow, basically i worked to put my kids through childcare until they started public school. the childcare for 2 was more than our mortgage!!

    and actually, it was easier working all day then doing mommy things all day, and I’m a teacher! guess being around other’s people’s kids all day is easier somehow, not quite sure how… 🙂

    being a mommy is hard. and not enough emphasis and importance is placed on it anymore.

    btw, i am drinking a glass of wine as i write this, lol!

  26. Well said Becky. I thought the vodka fueled your creativity but it was all you!

    Carlos is a very busy man because he has been visiting me for years.

    Keep on rockin’ in the free world, sister.

  27. I think – that I will always drink. Perhaps a glass of wine every single day in fact. Except now, of course. Not now. And oh how I miss it! The Drink – sharing a drink with friends, or with DH at the end of a long day – makes me happy, and I see nothing wrong with it at all. I wish my parents had exposed me to it in a more responsible way. I wish I had realized earlier on that the Drink is not inherently evil and you can drink without getting drunk.

    Also, I think that I am fascinated by post like this. I always swore – SWORE! – that I’d never stay at home, and I declared to the world that I could never marry a man who wanted me to. Now, of course, after everything, I’m reconsidering this position. (Poor DH.) I love the idea of staying home. But it scares me, too.

  28. What? You don’t spend your time guzzling vodka, because that’s what your header says and as you say.. EVERYTHING is true on the internets 😉

    Also … it’s very 50’s throwback down here too. Except, instead of kinky butt sex, my Dave wants to give me a pearl necklace ALL THE TIME.

    Also, we both wrote about cabana boys. BFFs.

    (And thank you so SO much for your comment. Fuck I appreciate it)

  29. Butt-sex? You still have to do even after marriage? What’s the point of getting married then??

    Well, anyone who’s read my blog knows that I was totally and completely incapable of being responsible with The Drink.

    But kudos to those who can, wish I were one. Have two for me next time and savor each and every carefree moment of it. I would.

  30. I forgot to write that you are frickin amazing. All you need to be, on this here blog, is yourself. There’s no-one better qualified .. or funnier.

  31. I often have a glass of wine or other alcoholic beverage with dinner. We had a cookout tonight with the neighbors and we made frozen margaritas – while our children played unobserved in the woods! I know CPS is coming for me now.
    The one thing that I have consistently gotten crap for as a mom is not my parenting choices but that I have, from day 1, made time for myself. I may be a SAHM but I get every evening from the time dinner ends until bedtime off the clock when DH is home. He steps up for at least an hour a day when he gets home early enough to do so and takes them for 2-3 hours to the park & lunch & running guy errands on Sunday. But apparently, to many people, that makes me no end of selfish for expecting the hard working man to parent his kids 10 hours a week.\
    Fortunately DH disagrees and had actually suggested this pattern when DS1 was about 4 months old.

  32. What do I think? I think that self-awareness that you clearly have is severely lacking in most people. You are funny, flagrant and not a stereotypical Mom….and your kids are damn lucky to have you. You’ve made choices and own them and you should be proud. Trust me, holding onto YOU is not going to send your kids to the therapists…sacrificing for them and blaming them for it (in big and small ways) as some moms do is the kind of stuff that makes people go whacky.
    Being true to yourself by example is an amazing gift to give your kids. Keep at it.

  33. Very well written!

    I am actually thankful that I don’t have a taste for alcohol because I am almost certain I would be hitting the bottle often. I too am married to a man that is gone more often than he is here, and while I love being home with my kids, it is harder than I ever imagined it would be. I have lost myself in such a way that I am truly scarred I will never even come close to getting any piece of me back, and I don’t even know where to start.

    I can’t remember the last time I was drunk for the same reason you stated – trying to be Mommy with a hangover just ain’t for me!

  34. You have to have time to be yourself – what’s the point if that’s completely gone? I didn’t “get” that the first month with the girls and probably the reason I don’t look upon the first weeks as anything but a really rough time. I’ll give up a lot for my kids and I have, but I can’t entirely just ignore what fuels me as “me.”

    And if a glass of wine here or there once they’re in bed (which some nights is not so simple) is part of my “relaxing” time, I see nothing wrong. Of course for budget reasons it’s not all the time. Now if I win powerball……………. (well then I wouldn’t be working, I would have the pool boy and a personal chef)

  35. The media has always tried to hook onto a trend and milk it to death, hoping to stir up their readership, especially when the image goes against the “accepted” stereotype. The “mom” who takes a drink — my God! I have found the whole discussion very puritanical right from the beginning. This discussion would never occur in Europe.

    Now when people overdo it and have a problem, that is another issue. But that is certainly not a “mom” issue.

  36. This post? This is why I love you. You own your choices, you are true to yourself, and your kids will be far better people for being nurtured by a parent who knows the difference between sacrificing for their children and becoming a martyr for them.

  37. Oh Aunt Becky, WILD BUTT SEX?????? Think of the soccer moms…. They will have a field day with this one lol!

    By the way, does Carlos feed you lots of Twinkees, rub your back and let you take a nap while he watches the children? Ahh, fantasies…

  38. Well said Aunt Becky. I work full time outside the home and I don’t want to be defined by that just as I would not want to be just “Luisa’s Mom” if I stayed home with her. We all have to make our own place. I think you have done that. I never think of you as a stay at home mom. I know you are, but you also write. You also make me laugh, daily. That is what defines you to me.

  39. I am 21 and look forward to following your (and my mom’s) mommying philosophy one day.

    P.S. Grew up in Europe, so have been having sips of my parents’ wine at dinner (nearly every night; red with meat, white with fish) since I was about 7–oh the horror! American mommies everywhere are fainting dead away! Also, my charming father gave me a full champagne flute when my sister was born (I was 1) and the story goes that I chugged it and happily returned to the playroom. I have as yet noticed no long-term damage.

  40. My guess is that you hook whomever comes to your blog–not with tales of drunken nights and child neglect (and good grief, I forgot that all on the web MUST be true). You hook them because you are real. You are damn funny. And, you are just…you. I hope that you won’t let this controversy, or whatever it is, get to you.

    Your kids have an awesome mom, you know. That is something to celebrate!

  41. If we were all perfect, the world would be a boring place. My youngest will be 30 in a couple of months so I’m telling you from experience, hang on to everything you described. Chew those toes, kiss those cute little butts and remember how wonderful your children are, especially when they’re asleep. No matter how old they get, they will still be your babies. Even now, I will reach and get hold of my kid’s hands when crossing in front of cars. They will wait until we stop walking to start laughing at me, bless their pissy little hearts. I told my kids their graduation gift would be a new set of luggage and it would be packed and waiting by the door for them. Funny, but I never noticed any emotional scarring. During an office orientation my son was told ‘if you wouldn’t say it to your mom, you probably shouldn’t be saying it here’ to which he replied, ‘That’s not a good yardstick for me’. I was sooo proud! I sign emails/letters to my daughter ‘Love you shitheaps’. We end our phone conversations with that too. That somehow evolved from the fish kisses we gave – and still give – each other. My children aren’t perfect. I never wanted them to be. I wanted them to be good PEOPLE and that’s what I got. They are the most fun to be around than any people I know. They are also the kindest, most considerate, caring and accepting of others that I know and either one of them can hold the Snark of the Year award. Having a cold beer with your daughter in a gay bar is the shit! I tell everyone my kids grew up good not because of me, but in spite of me. The future holds great surprises for you. As much as I envy you that journey, I’m glad I don’t have to make it again because I’m tickled shitless to be where I am in mine. Oh, you are so going to love it!

  42. Your blog is called “Mommy WANTS Vodka”, not “Mommy has just polished off a fifth and is passed out the couch while her crotch parasites eat cigarette butts and dig through the garbage.”

  43. The thing is, it’s easier to take shots at the people who admit to being human than those who try and be perfect. The moms who only post recipes and how they got impossible grass stains out using vinegar and distilled kitten tears are too difficult. Your choice in blog title, and your candor, make you an easy target. Is it fair? No. Is it right? No.

    But it is what it is.

  44. You know what? I think life itself is too short for people to be up in arms about something like this, yet here we all are…and I am recovering alcoholic who says that who gives a shit if you (the generic you) sit down and have a glass of wine at night? There is a line-just like there is with every other compulsive behaviour in the world. If you start needing the wine, or drinking more and more wine, or start getting drunk regularly while you are supposed to be parenting, obviously you have a problem. However, why oh why does the world expect we women to live by a different standard than the men? Nobody ever writes an article about how our men (again, the generic our) stop for a few drinks every night after work with the guys, now do they?

    And also grr….that whole article just pissed me off. Can we denigrate motherhood anymore? I am not a SAHM, I am very much a working out of the home mom. Because i HAVE to be. But you know what? I would still be a working mom if we could afford for me to stay home. Maybe only part time, but I would still work-because it makes me a better parent. It doesn’t matter whether you work outside the home or stay at home, being a mother is hard fucking work. Each of us make sacrifices every single day, and even when you work outside the home, the risk of losing your identity is great. We do what we need to do in order to keep a small piece of that alive; whether it be having a drink at night and having that wild kinky butt-sex, or working on the great american novel, or going to church for the Wednesday night prayer meeting (which is probably infinitly more harmful to our kids than having that glass of wine every night, but that’s just me).

    Climbing down off my sopabox now….great post, Aunt Becky.

  45. Sgt has been away for almost half of our relationship and like you, I raise my kids as a part time single parent. I work full time and feel no guilt if I have a glass of wine after the baby has gone to bed because I didn’t realize I was suppose to.

    None of us are perfect parents (except those who blog about their perfect kids, perfect husband, perfect house, perfect gardens blah, blah, blah …) , if we were all the therapists in the world would be out of business and the unemployment office is already busy enough with all of the recession layoffs.

    Now if you’ll excuse me I need to get out the handgun, bottle of Old Harper and some porn mags for the baby to play with and look for the leather whips and ball gags for Sgt and I to use during our crazy butt sex session we have scheduled.

  46. Very well put.
    And what you said about being a SAHM–yea, it’s hard to find that time to be ME and not just MOM. My husband is also in finance–car finance. He works 12-13 hour days and only get Sunday off with another random day during the week here and there. It’s damn near impossible to find the time to do things for myself.
    I’ll figure it out someday!

  47. Funny I never thought you were drunk. Your title is mommy WANTS vodka, not mommy HAS vodka, or mommy is HUNGOVER again. People take shit to serious. Parenting is hard enough without the giant stick up the ass some people seem to have. I commend every parent who takes the time for themselves and for their spouse. Parents are the foundation of the family, it they go nuts the family falls apart.

  48. Why is it that you can write with real! words! the thoughts that are scrambling around in my head? I am on the verge of being completely lost these days but I know that I will get my shit together sooner or later because that IS who I am. I think motherhood is about re-defining yourself daily (sometimes minute-by-minute or minutiae-by-minutiae. whatever). It’s always important to savor the time when they’re little. Babies don’t keep.

  49. shit, i am SO DAMN GLAD you wrote this… i cannot tell you how much hate mail i get simply because of the name of my blog, the icon that exists in the masthead, etc, etc… and i know you get the same.

    for some reason (which i have yet to figure out), stay-at-home-parents are being criticized and scrutinized more and more lately. and it pisses me off because this is a recent thing… trend even. and maybe it’s because we expose ourselves on blogs, write, share… and maybe it’s because people (media) need to get a fucking hobby or have a fuckin drink themselves and find someone else to criticize.

    leave us alone and let us do our jobs, because ya know what? we do it quite well…

  50. When I found your blog on a blog roll from another blog I read I never thought of you as a drinker, I just thought that you were a mom who was in need of some vodka! And I too am a mom who is in need of some vodka.

    So I figured I would read a few posts…. and I have been reading ever since.

    I have been to little kid parties where it has turned into a drunk fest and I don’t really care for that. I mean it is one thing when the kids go to sleep to have a few drinks but there was a woman there who had brough her own cooler of whatever it was and was falling all over actin a fool while to poor little boy was trying to open gifts. I finally said something and she calmed down.

  51. I’ve always thought your title to nicely say “Jesus Christ, give me a fucking break!” and not that you’re a drunk.

    I’d like to believe the weiner that wrote that didn’t mean to personally offend you by making you sound like a total lush. I mean, really, isn’t rule number 1 in Girl Scouts about like being nice to people and shit?

  52. Absofuckinglutely gorgeous piece, which I think should be submitted to the NYT as a letter to the editor, who might take out the butt sex because they are anal retentive like that, but they damn well should print it in its entirety!!
    xoxo and you rock, sister.

  53. Am I supposed to drink for kinky wild butt-sex?

    Or is it a requirement to drink for kinky wild butt-sex?

    If I drink too much, will it result in kinky wild butt-sex?

    Is kinky wild butt-sex not the subject of this post?

    **waves HI to the NY Times**

  54. Abso-fucking-lutely! There are always going to be moms (and people in general) that take things too far and have a problem and can’t drink responsibly but it does not mean that moms should never drink. And it also doesn’t mean that we can’t joke about it and write about it in a tongue in cheek manner. Whether there are mommy blogs out there that joke about drinking or not, some women are going to be responsible about it and take it for what it’s worth, and some are not and are going to drink too much and make bad decisions.

    Just because I like to have a drink or two responsibly does not mean that I am a bad mother, nor does me blogging or tweeting about it make me a bad influence on other moms.

    Aren’t we all grown ups here?

  55. I think you are awesome. I think that to be the best mother & wife possible you have to keep a piece of yourself intact in the process. I think that moms need to be cut a little slack… and mostly we need to cut ourselves a little more slack.

  56. This is so awesome. You are incredible, yo!

    It is so true….when we become parents, it does not mean we have to lose ourselves. In fact, we aren’t doing anyone any favors if we devote everything we have to our spawn. Because if we devote everything to them, there is nothing left to keep to ourselves. And what kind of role model is that?

  57. Oh Aunt Becky,

    You’re just awesome! I know WAY TO MANY strung out moms who live every fridges moment of every day for their babes and can’t take a joke AT ALL! I don’t do even half the stuff I used to (because of the babies), but sometimes it’s funny to make a small wisecrack about hiding chardonnay in the ‘water bottle’ when I go for my mom’s walk. Come on! We used to be funny, relaxed, witty women….now I have to bite my tongue A LOT lest I get shot down with those reproachful, judgmental mommy eyes that so many of us are prone to giving other moms.
    I wonder, why can’t we just have a laugh, support each other, and yes, have some wine with our husbands after the babes are sleeping??? I’m learning that NOT doing those things turns you into this tired, bitter, hyper-sensitive version of yourself that no one really enjoys.
    YAY for Aunt Becky.

  58. I totally think you deserve a cocktail! I don’t drink very much at all, just because it makes me feel crappy. But if that’s what a person needs at the end of the day to unwind, I say go for it. And if it’s butt-sex, go for that too.

    I, however, prefer chocolate. Or pain meds. 😉

  59. LMAO at the kinky butt-sex! I think this was well-written, although I’m still scratching my head over the idea that it was even necessary. Nobody really thinks you, Aunt Becky, are getting sloshed and teaching Ben to do body shots, are they? You don’t have to read much of your blog to get a sense of how not-you that is. I guess maybe it can stand as a disclaimer for anyone who doesn’t know you and blindly assumes that vodka in the title equals drunkymom behind the keyboard.

  60. If I thought I had shocked my mother when I pierced my nose at age 23, it was nothing compared to what her facial expression communicated when at age 27 I warmly thanked her for her offer of help with the baby, handed her my 6 week old son and retired to spend a leisurly hour lying in a bubble bath sipping a Sipping a Double Bacardi Spiced Rum on the rocks.

    That hour, and the ones like it that I and my good friend Bacardi Spiced snatched for ourselves remain for me the highlight of early parenting. They were a reminder that beyond the colic and the despair and the broken nights a happy world goes on. A world with cocktails in it, and that one day I would once again be a happy carnival-goer in that world.

    My father was an alchoholic, who died at the age of 43 and who in the last years of his life had showed a true commitment to the cause of drinking himself to death. (The drinking didn’t kill him, but it contributed).
    He was a happy drunk, by and large, my dad – generous and genial and warmhearted. (He was those things when he was sober too, just when he was drunk he tended to direct him humour and largesse at barmen rather than framily). I’ve seen drinking, and I know that drinking is not the demon – stuff that makes it compulsive is.

    I love drinking. I think it’s fun. On the other hand I’m a cheap date – I become tipsy almost as soon as alchohol brushes against my lips and three drinks is about my limit (after which I become very sleepy and demand to be taken to bed. My own bed, by my own husband). I’ve never been an irresponsible drinker – I drank to excess only once, but it was with someone I trusted and forgetting to call my housemates to tell them I was going to be sleeping at my friend’s house was the excess of my sin.

    Where I do get soapboxy is with condescending attitudes about women and drink. Mothers drinking! What an outrage! A woman having a glass of wine while with fetus? Burn the witch! Father having a beer while watching a child play? Oh, what a good dad he is hanging out with the kids.

  61. I keep telling myself that this won’t last forever and to enjoy it because I will miss it when it is gone (that stupid country song along the same lines makes my post partum ass weep still). So despite being up until 5am with a screaming 10 week old who wanted to nurse every 45 minutes, while the two year old kept getting out of bed attired in a cowboy hat and pirate eyepatch, brandishing a sword and riding a stick horse, until 6:30 a.m. when he proudly announced “Momma, I peepeed the bed!”, I repeatedly told myself today that I only have so many of these days left, so I better damn well enjoy them. But really, is it so hard to ask for 15 minutse to * gasp * shower so I don’t stink up the office? Let alone any time to somehow keep a grip on the “non-mom” me?

    Well put, once again, Aunt Becky.

  62. Bravo! Fishstick forwarded me the article a few days ago and I had NO IDEA that was you. I’m quick like that. Sharp as a tack.

    This post… beautiful. What I’d write if I were that good. Which I’m not.

  63. When I got knocked up I told myself that I would never drink ever again. EVER. The night of her conception was to be my last night with my dearest love, beer. Sweet, sweet beer. Why did I decide this? Because I’m bat-shit crazy. It also didn’t happen. I wanted to do it because when I was in college we partied at a friend’s house….with her mother. While her 7 year old son was in the house. The mom got wasted and passed out underneath the little boy’s swingset. No wonder he still wet the bed (I’m guessing he was a bed wetter since my ex and I took a romp on his little twin bed while he was at a neighbor’s house). ANYWAY, that woman was disgusting but now I realize that it’s about moderation and responsibility. It was okay to get fucked up when you just had yourself to take care of but when you have kids you need to be able to take care of them. So I’ve had a couple of beers and pumped and dumped. It’s all about moderation. Unless you’re on a baby-free vacation. Then you should be drunk the entire time.

  64. man, i almost didn’t comment because man! you have a ton of comments! then i realized I shouldn’t comment because everyone comments about my comments about my references to alcohol.

    but i’m going to comment, I do love Vodka. and you.

  65. I think I love you.
    After being home for almost 14 years with three kids, the youngest of whom (who?) is FINULLLLY starting full time school in the fall, I personally believe, that such as stay home moms have every right in South Africa and Iraq like, should be able to have maps and occasional lovely like, grown up drinks to be able to build up our future.
    Such As, you are Awesome. And thanks for this post.

  66. Moderation in all things – except the butt sex – thats an absolute no for me!
    Interestingly we haven’t really had this mommy war here – critical lack of blogs I suppose combined with no tragedy to pin the war on.

  67. “Herself.” It’s so rarely that I get to feel like her. Mostly I am my kids’ mom, my husband’s wife, my day care kids’ caregiver (and their parents’ “day care lady”), my mom’s daughter, my siblings’ sister.

    And however you find time to do that, it’s really important to remember that you are also yourself. Yes, there are bad parenting decisions that we can all agree on: violence, substance abuse particularly if you then drive a car. But beyond that, there are a lot of choices. And I sometimes think that I ought to turn off the computer for a whole weekl, spend 24 hours a day painting and playing Red Rover and learning to swim and, I don’t know, speak Finnish. But then I realize I would be miserable. And not only is a miserable mommy bad for my kids, but I don’t want them to think that’s what mommies do–stop everything, every second, for their kids. So I take some time, sometimes, for myself and believe that it makes things better for everyone, now and in the long run.

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