I brought you a new guest post today, Pranksters, so that I can spend today lazily writing up resources for Band Back Together on such light topics as “Rape!” and “Abuse!” I’m practically taking the day off, really. This is my home-slice LittleBig, and she’s fucking hilarious. Don’t forget your charity posts, yo.

————-

Recently Aunt Becky asked me to guest blog and several hours later when I regained consciousness I was almost bitten by a black widow. Coincidence? I think not. She made me an offer I can’t refuse.

I couldn’t fathom why she’d ask me to contribute until I realized she was probably needed time off to listen to her John C.Mayer albums. (Ed Note: I fucking hate you, slut) She’s doing recon to reveal his weak points. So far she’s uncovered the fact that this wonderland he keeps talking about is actually some sort of lame Euro-Disney.

Let me introduce myself: I’m a wife, mother and librarian living the agricultural center of California. My life is a glamorous mix of trying to make ends meet, surviving through an autoimmune disease, and savoring the small moments that make life worthwhile.

I took advantage of the fact I was interviewed by NPR to say ‘bird porn’ and ‘butt wiggle’ on the radio. My daughter is a year and a half and when I’m not playing outside with her I’m digging through bins of junk at the local thrift store. I love the thrill of tracking down good vintage items so much that in a former life I must have been a tomb raider.

I’m going to tell you a story about the time my house was invaded by bees. I wrote the original story in about two minutes so this version is revised somewhat. Why this specific story? Because if you know me then you know I get a ton of hits to my blog from people searching for “motherfucking wasp website.” That’s me! Your virtual source for angry hornets.

It started last year when Isobel was just two sweet weeks old. My sister, who was living with us at the time, noted that our 25lb cat Zorro was acting strangely, even for him, and she went into the kitchen to take a closer look.

SHE FOUND A BEE. IN MY HOUSE.

A BEE! IN MY HOUSE!

Zorro had stunned the poor thing and between the two of us and a shoe we managed to kill it.

Now, I like bees. In fact, I’d say I’m fond of bees and am keenly aware of their necessary role in our food supply. I’m worried about the loss of native pollinators in the Valley.

But I had a newborn baby in the house and I wasn’t taking any chances. How the bee got in my kitchen was a mystery. We don’t have window screens so we never open the windows for fear the cats would get out. The only thing that seemed to fit was the air vent in the ceiling. At the time we had a pest control service, so I immediately got on the phone and requested someone come over POST HASTE to fix our bee situation.

I explained that we had a newborn. I didn’t have to explain that I was on the edge.

As much as I loathe the idea of spraying poison around our yard we have something of a black widow problem. Our house sat vacant for a year before we moved in an black widows established so many colonies we had (a mourning? a murder? a poisoning?) a SHITLOAD of black widows. I’d find them daily, sometimes twice a day, whenever I went outside. We temporarily decided it was worth it to get pest control.

Our Very Nice Pest Man arrived and searched for an entrance. He sprayed and double-sprayed. He said that most likely the bees were getting in from the attic. He could spray there but we’d have to load up the baby and cats and be gone awhile. I was not happy with the idea of bug-bombing the place with a newborn, so we decided to wait.

After that first incident, our Bee Incidences died down.

Occasionally throughout that summer we’d noticed Zorro flipping out and we’d realize we had another bee in the kitchen. Zorro would either kill it for us or damage it and we’d finish it off with the fly swatter. I’d like to say right here, right now that our cat Zorro is THE BEST DOG EVER AND I LOVE HIM.

Once the weather started cooling down in October our Bee Incidences stopped altogether. Winter saved our home from insect invasion better than The Very Nice Pest Man could.

Winter passed, and summer rolled around again. But this time it was different.

WE FOUND WASPS.

MOTHERFUCKING WASPS!

IN MY MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE!

As horrible as the bees were, this was a million times worse.

Yellow Jackets.

Even the name makes me shudder.

Have you ever been stung by a Yellow Jacket?

Those bastards don’t die with the sting the way THOSE POOR SWEET BEES DO. Those bastards ARE SADISTS WHO ENJOY YOUR TERROR AND PAIN. They sting you OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

Nobody is ever stung just once by a wasp. They are stung multiple times before the wasp flies off, FREE AND CLEAR, LIKE A HIT-AND-RUN DRIVER.

Wasps are terrorists.

Wasps are bullies.

And they were in our house.

We finally were able to determine (after much angst and hand-wringing, and multiple wasp-blows with a shoe) that they were indeed coming in through a vent. Perhaps they were coming in through our dilapidated roof, or perhaps they were coming in through our attic.

Either way, they were using the vent.

At this point we could no longer afford the services of The Very Nice Pest Man but I convinced Anthony that something needed to be done.

I was tired of these MOTHER FUCKING WASPS IN THE MOTHER FUCKING HOUSE.

He said, you’re right. Let’s go to the store.

At our local Hardware Supply Store we talked to a very understanding and sympathetic girl who was probably half my age.

What could she possibly know about wasps? I thought. She’s still learning the ways of the world!

She told us where we could not only get Yellow Jacket traps for the attic but also filters to physically block the vents that would still let air through.

I said, Thank you. We’ll take seven.

At this point we were averaging about four wasps per week which in my opinion is ten too many. This situation disturbed me so deeply I started having nightmares about it.

I’m happy to say that since Anthony installed the trap and layered our vents with filters we’ve had only one wasp issue, and that was because Anthony did not layer up one vent completely like I requested him to.

Since then we haven’t been troubled by wasps inside our house, but the experience has scarred me for life.

——————–

If you missed me, Your Aunt Becky (which, hi, you totally didn’t because I’m still laughing at this motherfucking post), here’s where I was this week.

HOW TO HAVE BETTER THE SEX. I bolded it because, well, obviously. Also, I had a troll tell me I was prude, so I motherfucking SHOWED HER.

I got interviewed over at Sex (SEE, NOT PRUDE) and the Single Dad.

My essay about my friend Stef is up over at The Drinking Diaries.

And holy shitballs, Band Back Together needs you. Yes you. Get your whore mouth over there. I know you have a story. So get your pants on (or off) and tell it.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

27 Responses to I’m Tired of These Motherfucking Bees in my Motherfucking House

  • jana says:

    ZOMG! I’m totally itchy and freaked out now!

  • Love the guest post, as I too, hate MOTHERFUCKIN’ WASPS! (mostly because I’m allergic and they are like little fucking assasins–bastards.)
    Am heading over to Band Back Together this afternoon…talking about really heavy shit sounds like ALOT of fun. Thanks Aunt Becky for giving me yet another avenue to dredge up my totally fucked up past! Love ya!

  • a says:

    My workplace is infested with wasps all the time. You can occasionally see a very-slow moving one in the middle of February. I hate them.

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  • thenextmartha says:

    We had a neighbor that could hear buzzing in the walls. Come to find out that they had built a nest in the entire wall. THE. WHOLE. WALL. The only thing keeping them from invading their house was wallpaper. They had eaten the walls down to the wallpaper. Think about that. They had to seal that room off. Wear protective clothing and tear down the wall. Bees are assholes.

  • steph gas says:

    holy balls, i hate things that sting. i was stung by a yellow jacket and it SUUUUUCKED. i hate most buggies. i understand they all have ‘very important reasons’ for living. like bees pollinate shit. okay.

    other than that, i’m at a loss. like, butterflies look pretty and also pollinate shit. but earwigs? what the fuck do they do? I HATE EARWIGS. not really ‘hate’ as much as ‘deathly terrified of’.

  • Tristina says:

    Oh this brought back nightmares! When we moved into our house in St. Louis when I was in high school, the outside wall of the house (by my room) was being repaired so it was open to the elements for about a month. A family of wasps thought it looked like a great place to build a nest.

    Then the workers closed up the wall.

    So where did the wasps go?

    UP THROUGH THE FLOORBOARDS INTO MY ROOM

    *shudder*

  • T says:

    Um *shudder*…

    I feel like I should cover myself with netting.

  • Kelly says:

    We had a nest of some kind of wasp, that bury themselves in the ground. My husband discovered them after accidentally mowing over them. We tried spray, we tried a bug man, the only thing that finally killed the fucking things was to fill the hole with gasoline and light it on fire. Burnt them right up. There is a big hole in the yard now, but there’s no more wasps.

  • holy shit wasps in the house? Vom. Me and the best friends are trying to figure out how to remove the wasps that have now built a colony in their grill. LITERALLY in the fucking grill. Yeah. So their brand new grill continues to go unused. Because it’s entirely filled with wasps. NICE.

  • I stepped on a nest of them while mowing last summer. They little assholes actually chased me into the house. Thank God I had the foresight to rip my wedding rings off otherwise they would have had to cut them off my sausage like swollen fingers. Encounters with wasps will scar you for life, guaranteed!

  • Christa says:

    Dude, you and I are living parallel lives. . .except I don’t have a baby. Our house sat vacant for a year till we bought it and have had a HORRIBLE time with wasps, yellow jackets, carpenter bees, and wolf spiders the size of mice! There is nothing in this world that frightens me more than a spider, let alone a fast moving bastard that could eat your toe in one bite. We mostly solved the wasp issues by shoving insulation up our gas fireplace vent – must remember to remove that before we start using it. The spiders have been controlled via religious lawn mowing and lots of lawn pesticide.

  • Kristin says:

    OMG this is hilarious and SO true. We have Wasps nests as well, while not in our house right outside our backdoor. And they are terrorists from hell. The bastards don’t leave, and they torment you when you try to say go out and water the tomatoes, cause their will be NO watering on Wasp land. Assholes, so we had to get the spray to kill them, and I of course made my husband do it cause I wasn’t going to be attacked by the fuckers, but I still went out and watched, were they pissed. But Serves them right. But the mother fuckers that they are moved their nest to under our AC unit, I think not. Who knows where they will end up next year but I’m prepared to stop their terrorist acts on my soil.

  • Shudder. Wasps. Hate hate HATE those MOTHERFUCKING wasps.

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    Yikes, glad you beat back the motherfucking bees.

  • Melme says:

    Oh. My. God. ::shudder:: I HATE wasps with a passion that burns like the sun within my soul! I was stung as a child, on the bottom of my foot no less and have waged war with them ever since. But since I’m also terrified of them war means squealing, running and making someone else kill them. Still, I think I’m winning.

    (I’m also not a big fan of bees but we have a more mutual-leaving-alone policy. But if they are inside of my house/classroom/space or are buzzing around me menacingly, it is so on!)

  • Shin Ae says:

    Hola! Wasps, oh, yes. When I was a baby, my parents had them. Apparently, the yellowjackets turned the crawlspace thingy in between the roof and the ceiling of the home’s top floor into a giant nest. The pest control people said yellowjackets weren’t even supposed to nest like that…but THERE THEY WERE. They’d fly down into the house and be in blankets, curtains, in the shag rug (it was the 70’s), etc. Terrible, terrible. Eventually, my family evacuated and the pest guy bombed the house with cyanide…illegal even at that time, I’m told. It totally worked, though.

    In my home, wasps & bees of all kinds come in during a couple weeks in the spring. I guess they’re nesting during that time? It’s very scary, and no one can figure out how they’re getting in.

    Maybe I need to find a sympathetic hardware store employee, too.

    • Shin Ae says:

      Hmmm, after research it seems the pest guy would have used maybe potassium cyanide or hydrogen cyanide? I don’t know. *confused* I can’t ask him because he’s dead (surely, none of us are surprised).

  • Johanne says:

    Wow, this post and the comments have made me feel a little woozy and I might have to lie down after I write this. I, too, HATE wasps. I ran into a nest in a hedge at my grandparents house when I was about 5 and got stung a gazillion times. Now I’m terrified of wasps (and pretty much anything else that makes a buzzing noise and comes within hearing distance). I say anything you have to do to kill those fuckers is fair game. Poison, fire, you name it. They truly are the terrorists of the insect world.

  • Little Big says:

    I’m pretty sure I just made everyone relieve horrible wasp/bee/insect memories.

    Huh.

    Sorry about that, Pranksters!

  • Kristy says:

    My boy was stung by a wasp a few weeks ago and he was an innocent bystander. It was awful. I blogged about it as well and the moral of my story was: Fuck wasps.

  • Deidra says:

    :O Thank goodness you guys found a permanent, safe solution for your baby!

  • Wombat Central
    Twitter: wombatcentral
    says:

    Just yesterday I was killing yellow jackets in the basement. I guess the clear packing tape I put on my son’s heat vent told them to go elsewhere in the house. Better thenbasement than his bedroom, I guess. Bee folks are coming next week. Oh yes, please take your effing time getting over here.

  • Judie says:

    We have KILLER BEES in Arizona. So I don’t give a rusty fuck about who loves bees, etc. The only good bee here is a DEAD BEE!

  • GingerB says:

    We call those yellow traps our own little Hotel California – you can check out any time you like, but you can’t never leave.

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