I have an appointment tomorrow morning with the OB. The same one I saw last time I was in the office for my miscarriage. The same one who broke my water with Alex.

Since the initial spotting, I’ve felt not much at all. No more spotting. My uterus feels non-specifically weird. Could be the Crohn’s. Could be the start of the miscarriage.

But I’ve given up completely. I hold out absolutely no more hope at all. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t blindly hope for the best anymore. I’m tapped out of hope, of well-wishes, of happiness. I’ve been struggling mightily before now, and now that this is following a familiar path, I’m just at a loss.

And I’m just so tired of this; so weary of it all.

If this is the beginning of the end like I’m pretty sure it is, I’m done with the idea of a third child. I simply cannot do this to myself again. I can’t go through the worrying, the anguish, the stress again.

I’ve planned what I will do when this fails: I’m leaving town for awhile. By myself. I will tell no one where I’m going, and I will be alone for a couple of days. I’ve not had a chance to properly mourn anything at all; not my beloved Steph, not my two previous miscarriages, nothing. I’ve been too busy being forced to be something for someone else.

I can’t help but feel that tonight is the last time that the Sausagebryo and I will be together. And I want to tell it how sorry I am. I’d really have liked a third child. Even if it meant a mini-van and more stretch marks. I’m so sorry ickle one. I’m just so sorry.

I’d say I was comfortably numb, but there’s nothing comfortable about it.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

48 Responses to I.Give.Up.

  • DC says:

    I’m so sorry. *hugs*

  • SciFi Dad says:

    Becky, if you weren’t so damn far away I’d offer you a hug, but sadly all you can get are my sentiments.

    Just because you refuse to hope doesn’t mean that I, that we, your readers, cannot continue to hope. Therefore, I hope that tomorrow finds you back at home with your 2.1 (2.2?) kids, safe and sound.

    I don’t know what else to say.

  • Hon, if I knew you in real life, this is the moment I’d be wrapping you in my arms.

  • c. says:

    I’ve just got ((((hugs)))) for you, Becky.

  • tash says:

    Oh Becky. Please come my way if there is a field trip involved. For real. And if a trip turns out not to be justified, come my way anyway.

    I’m not so big on teh Hope myself, so I’ll just say that I’m thinking of you with everything I’ve got.

  • Vered says:

    I am sorry. Please let us know what the doc says tomorrow.

  • Aunt Becky..We are all here to hold you up..however you need us too..

  • No.

    Sing first.

  • Natalie says:

    I’m so sorry for this pain you are going through. Just so sad… and I keep some hope locked away inside for you.

  • Becky, please know that I am not just some internet bot, I am a person and I am so so sorry for your pain…

  • Heather says:

    The internet does not make me cry, and tonight I’m crying for you. I want this baby *for* you, Becky — and I’m hoping, even if you can’t, that s/he’s still hanging on, okay?

  • Sara says:

    I love you. And I don’t care how rude and/or inappropriate it is. Dude…dude.

  • Swirl Girl says:

    Try not to will yourself into the loss. Go to the doctor first. If fate has dealt you this blow, then you can be sad. Sausagebryo needs you to be strong for him/her now.

    If i knew you, I would hug you.

    http://www.swirlgirlspearls.blogspot.com

  • lindz says:

    Im sorry becky, but I cannot believe you, and I will not believe you. You can not hold the hope for yourself , so I will hold it for you..

    I know you cannot forgo this heartbreak again..and I sincerely hope you don’t..and I am praying so hard that you don’t..I wish for you this pregnancy of a sweet little girl. I wish it for you to be. I wish for you to keep the hope in your heart.

    if it comes not to be, it will be the saddest sorry.

  • Tracy says:

    I am sorry . Whatever happens, please take care of yourself.

  • mrs.spit says:

    Sending hugs and prayers your way. We care, no matter what.

  • Heather says:

    Loving you hard, no matter what. And like some of the other commenters said, I will hope for you. You just do what you need to do.

  • Jenn says:

    Becky – I’m sending you good keeping the sausagebryo thoughts. I’m really, really hoping that there’s nothing to worry about. But if a roadtrip happens, head this way. You could do a Aunt Becky visits bloggers in the south road trip. ((Hugs))my friend, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you hun!

  • Heather says:

    I will be thinking of you today. This really sucks, and I am so sorry you’re feeling so hopeless about it all. I hope you turn out to be wrong. I hope everything is fine and wonderful, and you’re able to move on from this. Of course, I also think that no matter what happens, getting away on your own for a bit is going to be wonderful for you.

  • Jen says:

    No words…just hugs.

  • mandy says:

    big BIGGGGG hug

    i hear you

  • Sarah Ross says:

    Oh Becks…there’s nothing good to say here except BELIEVE ME, I understand. And even though I’m like 28 weeks now, I still haven’t gotten comfortable or felt safe.

    The upside to reaching out to so many deadbaby moms is that we all get where you’re at. Would hug you if I could. Hang in there – and don’t yet commit to anything. You don’t know what’s happening yet so don’t go down any path emotionally if you can stop yourself…

  • sara says:

    I’m really sorry, I’m still holding onto some hope for you. In the meantime though, this utterly sucks big time that you have to go through this. I’ll be thinking of you and keeping you in my thoughts.

  • Katy says:

    I’m not giving up yet. I’ll keep hoping. But I understand you are tired. I can’t even imagine how tired you must be. Emotionally. Physically. I’m sending hugs. Too bad it’s just virtual, and not the real thing. Hug your boys. That will help, if just a little.

  • Jenn says:

    Well I still have some hope for you. I had a miscarriage and then with my next pregnancy I had bleeding for a few days and I still ended up with my Boo. I’m thinking of you! xoxo

  • Kristine says:

    I’m so sorry that you’ve been kicked in the groin so many times that it feels so hard to hope. Hope is hard.

    We are hoping for you.

    Hugs.

  • Oh my God.

    I am so sorry.

    i have been out of town and just got back to the Google Reader.

    I will be sending you positive thoughts today–

    There is still hope. Until you know definitively otherwise. There really is . . .

  • kbreints says:

    We are here for you. I think that time alone is what you need sometimes. Time to process everything. Just don’t be gone to long. You have your family that wants to be there for you I am sure.

    **hugs**

  • Karen says:

    I don’t know what to say. I am always a cheerleader in times of stress. But I don’t think that is what you need right now.

    Sending you hugs.

  • Emily R says:

    I’ll be thinking of you. If we don’t hear from you, we’ll know why, but perhaps you will post something lovely after all…

  • T says:

    I got nothing.

    Nothing at all.

    I bleed for you.

    And I would offer you a place to stay but there is absolutely nothing private about my house.

    Still, if you want to take a road trip – the door is open.

  • heather says:

    Christopher Reeve said, “Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.” I truly believe this.

    My cousin had several miscarriages before they realized her cervix was open to much. She had surgery to fix it and was able to have a baby right away. Maybe you have something wrong that can be fixed. Don’t give up on yourself.

  • gs says:

    that is one of the hardest feelings ever, to feel your hope is sabotaging you. hang on, there, girlfriend.

    by the way, you should take a trip regardless of the outcome. you’ve sucked up a lot lately, and you deserve to spend some time with it, you know?

    love.

  • Chris says:

    Aunt Becky,

    I will keep the hope if you don’t. The third will come.

  • Sandy says:

    Delurking to tell you that you are in my thoughts this morning and I’ll be anxious to hear the news. Your blog gives me so much and I truly wish I could give back something more than just a prayer.

  • Marie says:

    I do not know what to say, but know that I am thinking about you today and your little one. I will have faith for you.

  • kc says:

    Call me if you need me. I am so so sorry. Anything you need, ok? I will drive out there tonight just to give you a hug – all you gotta do is ask.

  • deb says:

    Oh Aunt Becky I haven’t the words. So sorry.

  • Coco says:

    Becky,

    I am with you in my thoughts today, no matter what the outcome.

    Hugs, love, peace.

  • Anita says:

    I am so sorry Becky. I’m sending warm thoughts and prayers your way.

  • Amanda says:

    I’m so sorry. I’m sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

  • Heather P. says:

    Becky, I have been praying for you to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I will keep praying for you. Please don’t give up hope.
    Sending you ((hugs)).
    God Bless

  • electriclady says:

    I’m sorry, honey. You’re probably out of your doctor’s appointment by now but I just wanted to hold out a hand. I hope it turns out to be nothing (I spotted through my whole first trimester) but I understand how hard it must be for you to hope right now.

  • kim says:

    I hope you are Okay, Darling.

    much love,

  • Elizabeth Ann says:

    I’m so sorry, shit is really rolling downhill…and all upon you. I hope everything is okay and you enjoy your time away. It is truly deserved. Lots of love from a complete stranger.

  • Melissa C says:

    Oh Becky… I don’t know what to say. Will be thinking good thoughts for you and hoping against hope that all is well with the sausagebryo.

    I’ve been to that dark and hopeless place too… do what you need to find your way through to the other side. If your road trip takes you as far as Canada… my door is open to you!!!

  • Wishing4One says:

    I’ve been away frm your blog and to come read this now…

    I’ll go gangsta on whoever you want, just say the word girl!

    Love ya…xoxoxoxoxo

  • Betty M says:

    I’m sorry things are so bleak. I will be in the hope camp until you confirm otherwise.

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