I have an appointment tomorrow morning with the OB. The same one I saw last time I was in the office for my miscarriage. The same one who broke my water with Alex.

Since the initial spotting, I’ve felt not much at all. No more spotting. My uterus feels non-specifically weird. Could be the Crohn’s. Could be the start of the miscarriage.

But I’ve given up completely. I hold out absolutely no more hope at all. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t blindly hope for the best anymore. I’m tapped out of hope, of well-wishes, of happiness. I’ve been struggling mightily before now, and now that this is following a familiar path, I’m just at a loss.

And I’m just so tired of this; so weary of it all.

If this is the beginning of the end like I’m pretty sure it is, I’m done with the idea of a third child. I simply cannot do this to myself again. I can’t go through the worrying, the anguish, the stress again.

I’ve planned what I will do when this fails: I’m leaving town for awhile. By myself. I will tell no one where I’m going, and I will be alone for a couple of days. I’ve not had a chance to properly mourn anything at all; not my beloved Steph, not my two previous miscarriages, nothing. I’ve been too busy being forced to be something for someone else.

I can’t help but feel that tonight is the last time that the Sausagebryo and I will be together. And I want to tell it how sorry I am. I’d really have liked a third child. Even if it meant a mini-van and more stretch marks. I’m so sorry ickle one. I’m just so sorry.

I’d say I was comfortably numb, but there’s nothing comfortable about it.

48 thoughts on “I.Give.Up.

  1. Becky, if you weren’t so damn far away I’d offer you a hug, but sadly all you can get are my sentiments.

    Just because you refuse to hope doesn’t mean that I, that we, your readers, cannot continue to hope. Therefore, I hope that tomorrow finds you back at home with your 2.1 (2.2?) kids, safe and sound.

    I don’t know what else to say.

  2. Oh Becky. Please come my way if there is a field trip involved. For real. And if a trip turns out not to be justified, come my way anyway.

    I’m not so big on teh Hope myself, so I’ll just say that I’m thinking of you with everything I’ve got.

  3. The internet does not make me cry, and tonight I’m crying for you. I want this baby *for* you, Becky — and I’m hoping, even if you can’t, that s/he’s still hanging on, okay?

  4. Im sorry becky, but I cannot believe you, and I will not believe you. You can not hold the hope for yourself , so I will hold it for you..

    I know you cannot forgo this heartbreak again..and I sincerely hope you don’t..and I am praying so hard that you don’t..I wish for you this pregnancy of a sweet little girl. I wish it for you to be. I wish for you to keep the hope in your heart.

    if it comes not to be, it will be the saddest sorry.

  5. Becky – I’m sending you good keeping the sausagebryo thoughts. I’m really, really hoping that there’s nothing to worry about. But if a roadtrip happens, head this way. You could do a Aunt Becky visits bloggers in the south road trip. ((Hugs))my friend, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you hun!

  6. I will be thinking of you today. This really sucks, and I am so sorry you’re feeling so hopeless about it all. I hope you turn out to be wrong. I hope everything is fine and wonderful, and you’re able to move on from this. Of course, I also think that no matter what happens, getting away on your own for a bit is going to be wonderful for you.

  7. Oh Becks…there’s nothing good to say here except BELIEVE ME, I understand. And even though I’m like 28 weeks now, I still haven’t gotten comfortable or felt safe.

    The upside to reaching out to so many deadbaby moms is that we all get where you’re at. Would hug you if I could. Hang in there – and don’t yet commit to anything. You don’t know what’s happening yet so don’t go down any path emotionally if you can stop yourself…

  8. I’m really sorry, I’m still holding onto some hope for you. In the meantime though, this utterly sucks big time that you have to go through this. I’ll be thinking of you and keeping you in my thoughts.

  9. I’m not giving up yet. I’ll keep hoping. But I understand you are tired. I can’t even imagine how tired you must be. Emotionally. Physically. I’m sending hugs. Too bad it’s just virtual, and not the real thing. Hug your boys. That will help, if just a little.

  10. Well I still have some hope for you. I had a miscarriage and then with my next pregnancy I had bleeding for a few days and I still ended up with my Boo. I’m thinking of you! xoxo

  11. I’m so sorry that you’ve been kicked in the groin so many times that it feels so hard to hope. Hope is hard.

    We are hoping for you.


  12. Oh my God.

    I am so sorry.

    i have been out of town and just got back to the Google Reader.

    I will be sending you positive thoughts today–

    There is still hope. Until you know definitively otherwise. There really is . . .

  13. We are here for you. I think that time alone is what you need sometimes. Time to process everything. Just don’t be gone to long. You have your family that wants to be there for you I am sure.


  14. I don’t know what to say. I am always a cheerleader in times of stress. But I don’t think that is what you need right now.

    Sending you hugs.

  15. I got nothing.

    Nothing at all.

    I bleed for you.

    And I would offer you a place to stay but there is absolutely nothing private about my house.

    Still, if you want to take a road trip – the door is open.

  16. Christopher Reeve said, “Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.” I truly believe this.

    My cousin had several miscarriages before they realized her cervix was open to much. She had surgery to fix it and was able to have a baby right away. Maybe you have something wrong that can be fixed. Don’t give up on yourself.

  17. that is one of the hardest feelings ever, to feel your hope is sabotaging you. hang on, there, girlfriend.

    by the way, you should take a trip regardless of the outcome. you’ve sucked up a lot lately, and you deserve to spend some time with it, you know?


  18. Delurking to tell you that you are in my thoughts this morning and I’ll be anxious to hear the news. Your blog gives me so much and I truly wish I could give back something more than just a prayer.

  19. Call me if you need me. I am so so sorry. Anything you need, ok? I will drive out there tonight just to give you a hug – all you gotta do is ask.

  20. Becky, I have been praying for you to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. I will keep praying for you. Please don’t give up hope.
    Sending you ((hugs)).
    God Bless

  21. I’m sorry, honey. You’re probably out of your doctor’s appointment by now but I just wanted to hold out a hand. I hope it turns out to be nothing (I spotted through my whole first trimester) but I understand how hard it must be for you to hope right now.

  22. I’m so sorry, shit is really rolling downhill…and all upon you. I hope everything is okay and you enjoy your time away. It is truly deserved. Lots of love from a complete stranger.

  23. Oh Becky… I don’t know what to say. Will be thinking good thoughts for you and hoping against hope that all is well with the sausagebryo.

    I’ve been to that dark and hopeless place too… do what you need to find your way through to the other side. If your road trip takes you as far as Canada… my door is open to you!!!

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