Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

I’d Rather Watch YOUR MOM In A Bikini, Thankyouverymuch


If you’ve read my blog for any significant portion of time, you’ve probably heard me complain bitterly discuss happily my My Grains.

I had to switch medications recently, after the one I was taking started to make me bald, and decided, after being warned of liver toxicity or death or something (I stopped paying attention when he said THIS WILL NOT MAKE YOU BALD, BECKY), to check RxList to see what, in fact, I was now taking.

You’d think after being a nurse, I might have some recollection of each and every individual medication in the Universe, but you’d be wrong. I have a brain the size of a pea, and there are kajillions of medications out there. In fact, those wily drug people are always coming out with NEW ONES.

Anyway, for the three of you who care, I’m now taking Carbatrol, and using it as a migraine prophylaxis is an off-label use for this seizure medication.

For those of you who stayed awake for that sentence, here’s a cookie.

HA! Just kidding I don’t have cookies.

So there I am, patiently wading through the piles of ‘THIS DRUG WILL KILL YOU’ material, singing the Sky Mall Kitties song, when I finally looked at the top of the page:

Do you see what I see?

Here, let me show you what I saw:

what the fuckI could absolutely watch any number of videos that involved small creatures singing, but the very VERY last thing in the world I’d ever willingly watch was a slideshow about migraines. Or, for that matter, much of anything.

In fact, there’s not a single slideshow/powerpoint that ever seems to scream, “HERE AUNT BECKY, YOU SHOULD WASTE TEN MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE WATCHING THIS.”

So I didn’t. And perhaps I should have. Because now I’m stuck wondering what the fuck was ON that damn slideshow.

Instead (lucky Pranksters) I made you what SHOULD have been on this slideshow.


Now THAT slideshow? I would watch.


27 Comments to

“I’d Rather Watch YOUR MOM In A Bikini, Thankyouverymuch”

  1. On August 31st, 2011 at 11:00 am Nancy P Says:


  2. On August 31st, 2011 at 11:11 am Kristin (MamaKK922) Says:

    I’m sorry your my grains are still kicking your ass, I am in the same boat as you it SUCKS!!! I even did botox injections for mine, and it didn’t help I was ready to pack it in after that and move into a pretty pink padded room. I go see my neurologist today to see where we go from there. I am still on The Max which let me tell you is no longer my friend it just makes me dumb as dirt and honestly I didn’t start of all scholarly. So basically I got stabbed in the head and I have these bumps from the stupid botox, I must say my forehead has never looked younger though, but I just want the migraines to GO AWAY!! I hope your new medicine helps. I’m looking for the perfect padded room myself. It has to pink and shiny and pretty though. Oh and my neurologists office plays some migraine slideshow on their little no one pays attention to you TV, so I have seen it but never watched. See I knew I had a point stupid Max.

  3. On August 31st, 2011 at 11:33 am rachel Says:

    My husband recently started getting migraines. (as in, he has had two) and was referred for an MRI which showed his brain was so big it was busting out of his skull, so he took his MRI to a neurologist, (who was also a dentist) and the DDS/MD said that his big brain has nothing to do with his migraines. While all this was going on I had probably six migraines and just sucked it up like a real man, er woman.

  4. On August 31st, 2011 at 11:34 am Kelly Says:

    Oddly enough, that is *exactly* what was on that slide show!

  5. On August 31st, 2011 at 12:00 pm Chris in PHX Says:

    I read the medication name as Crabatrol at first. And on second thought, clearly that is a better name.

  6. On August 31st, 2011 at 12:10 pm Pete In Az Says:

    Guess what’s on the interwebs…

    You have to actually be practicing to get the good stuff for free though…

    But, they do give out cookies…

    No more “Hit me Yo” huh?

  7. On August 31st, 2011 at 12:14 pm Pete In Az Says:


    My Mom’s ninety years old…

    You may want to watch the slide show instead… It will save you from a whole passel of new nightmares.

  8. On August 31st, 2011 at 12:18 pm shelly Says:

    yanno my grains got alot better after they took my babymaking parts out. But I feel ya darlin, my 15 year old is starting to get them now and i feel just as helpless as my mom did when I started getting them.

    And darn you not putting a link to the mirgraine slide show, cause now im all wondering what would have been on there also!!!!!!!!!!!!

  9. On August 31st, 2011 at 12:54 pm Triplezmom Says:

    You know how you were looking for a job? I think you should just email this post to all the marketing people at pharmaceutical companies and wait for the calls to come rolling in.

  10. On August 31st, 2011 at 1:54 pm Julie Says:

    But I like cookies……..

  11. On August 31st, 2011 at 2:44 pm magpie Says:

    Excellent slide show. I’ve learned so much. And I’m damned glad I’m not a hamster.

  12. On August 31st, 2011 at 3:04 pm Brian Says:

    I saw that slideshow. The ending sucked ass. Worse than that turd The Last Airbender.. Leave it to M. Night to fuck up a slideshow about migraines . . .

    Just sayin’ . . .

  13. On August 31st, 2011 at 3:07 pm Jonah Gibson Says:

    My daughter got migraines until she quit eating chocolate and bologna. If i was confronted with this choice – migraines or chocolate – I would choose migraines, but that is probably because I’ve never had a migraine. I have been confronted with another choice – coffee and martinis or kidney stones. I get kidney stones all the time because I cannot give up two double lattes every morning and a big, fat martini before dinner.

  14. On August 31st, 2011 at 5:53 pm Stacy Says:

    You crack me up. However, I am not distracted. I still want a cookie. I read the sentence. Where’s my cookie?

    My hubs gets migraines that nothing ever seemed to help. At least they’re coming less often as he gets older. I hope you get yours straightened out. And keep your hair.

  15. On August 31st, 2011 at 7:45 pm Angie Says:

    🙁 Sorry about your headaches. I take gabapentin for mine (off use). Sometimes it doesn’t kill the headache but it sure makes me not give a shit that I have a migraine!

  16. On August 31st, 2011 at 9:43 pm StephanieC | Seriously? Really? Seriously? Says:

    Let’s hope I don’t screw my name up AGAIN on your comment board.

    As if a migraine video won’t tell you what you already know about migraines.

    TO summarize:


    You’re welcome.

  17. On September 1st, 2011 at 1:34 am HumorSmith Says:

    OW! There, I hope that helps.

  18. On September 1st, 2011 at 9:59 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    Do hamsters get migraines? Because that’s just be crappy luck.

    You know, to be a migraine-getting hamster.

  19. On September 1st, 2011 at 10:29 am Tom Says:


  20. On September 1st, 2011 at 11:22 am Killjoie Says:

    I’m knocked up and off all my happy jolly meds (including the Max- which was AWESOME to be on through nursing school. Really. Especially during pathophys interviews in clinical.) My only option right now is Percocet. Which is pretty much like throwing kool-aid on a forest fire.

    That said, I really want the sparkly brain, even if it would be hamster (or Homer) sized. Then I’d have a damn good reason for all this poky-cranky-b.s.

  21. On September 1st, 2011 at 11:49 am Cristi Comes Says:

    All I have to say is I laughed out loud and almost spit

  22. On September 1st, 2011 at 3:51 pm Heli Says:

    I, too, suffer from migraines. I frankly don’t even like talking about them in fear of actually bringing one on because they are the most miserable things ever. I live in the Chicagoland area too and went to the Diamond Headache Clinic. I don’t understand why there are no meds out there for chronic headaches that aren’t Imitrex (or another triptan). At one point I was on an unbelievable dose of just about everything but the kitchen sink to finally be functional. I have weaned off and had babies and uncovered that I’m really at my best (headache wise) when I’m knocked up. The hormones are a killer. I think if you can manage those, you may be able to manage your headaches. At least for me anyhow. No slide show needed for that.

  23. On September 2nd, 2011 at 8:07 am Paula @ thewilyweez Says:

    I would gladly watch any slideshow you make!

  24. On September 2nd, 2011 at 12:59 pm Penbleth Says:

    Migraines suck big lumps of poop, they don’t deserve such an intricate slideshow.

  25. On September 2nd, 2011 at 2:40 pm Working Mommy Says:

    First off – FUCK…I wanted a cookie!! Totally not fair!

    Secondly – by taking the new meds, at least you are sure not to have any seizures!

    And C – that hamster has big balls!


  26. On September 3rd, 2011 at 9:23 pm Satan Says:

    you’re not the only one being prescribed seizure meds for off-label use.
    i’m on Lamictal for bipolar, and i have no idea how seizure meds seem to work for a lot of other things, but evidently they do, and i’m not complaining!

  27. On September 9th, 2011 at 4:25 am melanie Says:

    umm holy hamster balls aunt becky… that is all.

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