Alternately: Things I Wish I’d Known (Nursing Addition!)…
* That my nipples would become the size and consistency of ground beef.
* That I would be able to look someone squarely in the eye while inserting my nipple into someone else’s mouth.
* That my nipples would become as tough as shoe leather and could probably chip ice if necessary (necessary for what? I DON’T KNOW).
* That pumping milk into the Electric Baby would be even more boring than watching paint dry and grass grow.
* That I would exclaim to my father and brother simultaneously after they complained about seeing my boob that “Hey, at least I’m not masturbating.”
* That I would say “masturbating” in front of my father, brother or mother-in-law without having the common decency to turn red.
* That my daily menu would suddenly read like the Very Hungry Caterpillar.
* That the person who once broke her toe making a sandwich (that would be me) would be able to walk around Target while nursing.
* That other people who breast-feed would be so damn sanctimonious about it.
* That I would suddenly need to qualify why I didn’t nurse my first with an “oh, well, he’s autistic” when it’s really not that big of a deal.
* That let-down feels really, really weird.
* That breast-feeding does not make you a better mother.
* That nursing cover-ups are a complete waste of money because they draw more attention to the fact that you’re nursing AND because it makes trying to discretely get the nipple into said mouth almost impossible.
* That you will learn not to make eye contact with people while nursing in public so you feel less squigged out by the fact that your nipple is hanging in the breeze in front of people who haven’t even bought you a drink.
* That while it’s nice to bond with the baby, it also can chain you to the child, even if you supplement.
* That nursing is much like still being pregnant as your body is still not your own.
* That for every person who swears that they lost tons of weight nursing, you’ll find many that couldn’t no matter what they tried no matter what La Leche League says.
* That each breast will be twice the size of your new ickle one’s head when your milk comes in and it will make you wonder how they don’t object in sheer terror to latching right on.
* That the stupid adage “If you feel like you have the flu and you’re nursing, it’s mastitis” is so wrong. It should read “If you feel like you have the flu and you’re nursing, it’s because you have a new baby.”
* That after doing both bottle feeding exclusively and nursing exclusively, bottle feeding is much, much easier.
* That even with exclusive breast-feeding around the clock, you can still get your period 6 weeks post-partum (hello you old bitch!).
What am I missing?