Mommy Wants Vodka

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I Had A Dream. Wait, No I Didn’t.


I don’t make lists.

Or, I should say, I don’t make GOOD lists. Every time I get overwhelmed by the sheer amount of dancing cactus videos on YouTube, I tell one of my Type-A friends that I am overwhelmed by the volume of dancing cactus videos. Rather than simply GO THROUGH THEM ALL AND TELL ME WHICH ONES ARE GOOD (in spreadsheet form, natch), they say the same words. ALWAYS the same words.

“Make a list.”

And every time, I’m all, “these are Type A people – they have color-coding and highlighters – they MUST know what they’re talking about.”

So I start a list:

  • Watch dancing cactus video
  • Drink Diet Coke
  • Fantasize about owning boxing nun
  • Google directions to nearest nunnery
  • Pour cup of coffee
  • Realize I’ll probably spontaneously combust should I step onto the sacred soil
  • Wonder what nuns do all day
  • Assume it’s not watch dancing cactus videos
  • Go onto next dancing cactus video

Then I realize that I’ve spent 46 minutes making a list that’s now stressing me out because, well, THAT’S A LOT OF SHIT TO DO, I’D RATHER JUST DO IT AND NOT HAVE TO STOP AND WRITE IT DOWN, THANK YOU TYPE-A PEOPLE.

I rip up my lame-ass list and roll my eyes any time anyone says the words “Type” and “A” together in a sentence. Because who wants to make lists? The same people who thrive off Post-It Notes. NOT SANE PEOPLE.

I woke up this morning and realized I wanted to make a list. Not a “life list,” (life list is apparently pretentious hipster-speak for being able to write things like, “climb the summit of a tall mountain wearing my Northface Jacket” and “drink fine wine on the backs of starving children.”) because those are lame, but a list of things I’d like to do someday, but, through the actual act of living a life in which every time I make a “plan,” things go horribly awry, so I’ll probably never get to do. Ever.

(Unfair Jab at Pretentious Hipsters: But hey, at least I’m good with straight-up iodized salt rather than sea salt carefully culled from the bottom of the dead sea, then breathed upon by unicorns until it made it’s way onto my $145 dollar entree.)

Return a movie on time to Blockbuster

Eat chocolate cake in the bath in a poufy dress

Figure out how many licks it takes to beat someone to death with a Tootsie Pop

Give up on the idea that Jen and Brad are EVER going to get back together

Get over my unresolved anger at Angelina Jolie and her sanctimonious pillowy lips

Find and purchase 2 smaller, angrier birds (the Winklevoss Twins!) to set deliberately behind Mark Zuckerberg

Use a Post-It note successfully – not just for lobbing insults in adorable wee form.

Buy all items on this screen AT ONCE

Especially the testicles. Because obviously.

Figure out why the hell someone made a testicle self-exam kit.

Figure out why a testicle self-exam kit costs $114

Inform everyone I know that this, in fact, is what I want for my birthday

Buy a cell phone that actually makes calls.

Become BFF with Tom from Myspace. That dude was EVERYBODY’S friend.

Immortalize Tom from Myspace in tacky lawn ornament form.

Figure out what happened to Justin Timberlake, you know, the guy who started Napster?

Punch someone while they’re in the middle of their “If you can dream it, you can DO it,” speech. BECAUSE I HAD A DREAM TOO, MOTHERFUCKER, AND IT’S BEEN RUINED.

Admit that I haven’t actually HAD a dream to ruin, so there’s that.

Get three stars on an Angry Birds level so that I can do a victory dance, tell The Twitter, then realize how lame I’ve become.

Meet someone from Delaware IN THE FLESH.

Become a real-life troll, and stand in the middle of The Target yelling “You’re fat!” and “You’re ugly!” until I am arrested.

Take the Route 66 road-trip through the States. With or without Mark Zuckerberg as my copilot.

Get raptured.

Get UN-raptured because Heaven is Bullshit.

Wear my Shut Your Whore Mouth to a Middle School Function.

Figure out what the hell Stumble Upon actually does.

Punch John C. Mayer in the ‘nads. Alternately, immortalize him in tacky lawn-ornament form.


What do YOU want to do, Pranksters? Alternately, what do you think *I* should do?

23 Comments to

“I Had A Dream. Wait, No I Didn’t.”

  1. On April 24th, 2012 at 12:36 pm Tooks Says:

    I will TOTALLY co-pilot the Route 66 trip. With or without Mr. Zuckerberg.

  2. On April 24th, 2012 at 12:38 pm amy Says:

    Oh this made my freakin day! Thank You! The real-life troll one got my husband chuckling, and I love the Raptured/UNraptured ones!

  3. On April 24th, 2012 at 12:39 pm Julie Says:

    Oh AB – You are totally missing the point of making a list! You put the most mudane things on it so you can CROSS THEM OFF! Ther you feel all happy, becuase “look at all the stuff I accomplished today!” Brush teeth, Kids to School, Shower, Empty the dishwasher, etc…..Winning!

  4. On April 24th, 2012 at 12:44 pm Tracie Says:

    Wait, does Blockbuster still exist? Because I thought they went out of business years ago.

    This confuses me. Maybe I should make a list of all the confusing things…..

    Never mind. I’m just going to eat some chocolate cake and let the confusion run away from my sugar high.

  5. On April 24th, 2012 at 12:53 pm Gwen Says:

    Angry Birds victory dance! Because I am almost embarrassed by the number of three star levels I have. (A LOT, because, I obviously have no life)

  6. On April 24th, 2012 at 1:13 pm Cindy Says:

    *Return videos on time.*
    “Mom? can we rent a movie?”
    “No, kids. We’ve been banned from Blockbuster. We are irresponsible renters.”
    Thank God Netflix doesn’t have late fees!
    And it’s always that ONE movie, the one you hated, or the one you can’t even remember renting. The one that is currently being used as a coaster on your coffee table.

  7. On April 24th, 2012 at 1:30 pm Starle Says:

    I have no idea what you should do. I did have someone comment on my blog today and tell me that there is ONE GUY in New Zealand who is really good in bed. So I have added that to my list.

  8. On April 24th, 2012 at 1:50 pm Jenn Says:

    I’m in for the Rt 66 trip. : ) That troll thing would be fun to do at the beach when they close the bars and the drunks stumble out.

    Spend the whole whole day in bed watching shows like toddlers in tiaras and Sister Wives and dozeing off all day. That sounds pretty much just like heaven to me.

  9. On April 24th, 2012 at 1:58 pm Linda Sand Says:

    I get to cross one thing off your list! I did the Route 66 tour and it was a blast! We stopped at so many cool places along the way it took us a month to do the drive. 🙂

    My cell phone doesn’t make calls because “I” don’t make calls. It’s a dumb phone so it doesn’t do anything else, either. It just rings while I run around trying to figure out where I left it last.

  10. On April 24th, 2012 at 2:53 pm Tracie Says:

    Auny Becky, I have been stalking you for close to a year now. I love love love you! Todays post was absolutely epic! BRAD AND JENN FOREVER!!!!!

  11. On April 24th, 2012 at 3:36 pm Just Me Says:

    My 15 year old daughter (who is clearly NOT my child) loves to make lists. She once made a notebook containing her lists, with an index page to index the lists. A list of lists, so to speak.

    I haven’t figured out how to stage an intervention for her yet.

  12. On April 24th, 2012 at 4:33 pm Kathleen Says:

    We should rent a bus (and driver), fill up the window seats (’cause who wants to sit in the aisle in a sightseeing tour), and do Route 66 like it’s never been done! Maybe tiaras, Shut Your Whore Mouth tees, and poofy skirts – and wine – lotsa wine!

    I used to make lists. All they did was piss me off. Now even grocery lists are just a suggestion.

  13. On April 24th, 2012 at 5:37 pm Mayor Gia Says:

    Wait, you still go to blockbuster? I didn’t think any were still open…

  14. On April 24th, 2012 at 8:04 pm Karen Lamb Says:

    Dude, I just met someone from Delaware recently, and I bet I could make it happen.

  15. On April 24th, 2012 at 8:32 pm Grace Says:

    The hubs and I are both Type B. Our daughter is an extreme Type A. Drives me INSANE!! She ALWAYS has to know what we’re doing next, and then what, and what specific age can she do such-and-such. Just maddening!

    On my list: become a hot air balloon pilot.

  16. On April 24th, 2012 at 8:52 pm Becky Mochaface Says:

    Wait a fucking second. You still rent movies from Blockbuster? Those guys are still around? I had no idea.

  17. On April 24th, 2012 at 9:13 pm Erin Says:

    DUH! Punch John Mayer in the nads for sure! That guy is a total douchebag! And, I’m all about punching someone in the junk- I actually threated a guy at happy hour on Friday that if he touched my chicken fingers I would punch him in the junk. I don’t get out much, and I just finished Jenny Lawson’s book, which I feel like has depressed my inhibitions a little too much…but totally fun!

  18. On April 24th, 2012 at 11:14 pm Steph Says:

    oh, wow. i’m embarassed that i still think Jen & Brad should get together. or at least he should apologize. thanks for your support

  19. On April 25th, 2012 at 12:22 am Jadzia@Toddlerisms Says:

    A testicle self-exam kit costs $114? Every dude I know has figured out how to do that for free.

  20. On April 25th, 2012 at 5:41 am Abigail Says:

    Thank god I’m not the only one with unresolved anger directed at pillow-lipped homewrecker. Ahem.

  21. On April 25th, 2012 at 6:06 am Devan Says:

    My name is Devan and I make lists. I make lists OF lists. Sometimes I make an easy list just so I can finish it and toss it.
    But I also have a crazy obsession with correct size tupperware containers too. (Any left overs, etc musr go in the propper size container). So I might be odd.

  22. On April 25th, 2012 at 9:47 am Marta Says:

    I’m still confused that Blockbuster is still open. Are you checking out VHS tapes while you’re there? Do they have any laserdisks? Is it 1996? I shouldn’t talk as I am currently reliving the early 90s with my REM/Kate Bush/Guns & Roses mix. LOOK HERE its been a rough morning.

    What would I like to do? Other than be loved and revered by all? I would really like to eat an excessive amount of really terrible for me food and not gain a single ounce.

  23. On April 25th, 2012 at 5:23 pm Amanda Says:

    I effing hate Angelina Jolie and her stupid big lips.

    Also…I want to wear a “Shut Your Whore Mouth” t-shirt to my lawschool graduation….

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