No matter how I begged, cajoled, pleaded, or attempted blackmail, I couldn’t get my parents to budge on their toy purchases for us when we were kids. While my friends were rocking out their Super Nintendo, I was stuck playing “Kris-Kross Make My Video” (which is something I will never, ever, ever play again) and/or gnawing on those now-popular wooden toys (although not generally at the same time, because obviously).

I can’t imagine where on earth my parents found such toys – they weren’t tragically hip or organic back then – which means that my mom probably found them in one of her weird sage-scented health food stores. In fact, they were probably covered in lead paint, which may explain a thing or two about me. As I lack(ed) an imagination, it was damn near impossible for me to get too excitable about stacking wooden blocks again. I’d rather have watched grass grow or play out in the mud with the worms.

I’d have cut a bitch for something garish and made of plastic. I wasn’t allowed Barbies which meant that I’d have happily eaten aforementioned wooden toys if it meant I could have a Barbie Dream House complete with working bathtub so that she and Ken could get down and dirty, obviously. Why else put a bathtub in a house? BATHING? I think not.

When I had my own kids, I was pretty pleased with the notion that I could, in fact, now purchase them the toys I’d so longed for. While my mother scoffed at the EZ Bake Oven, always promising, yet never allowing me to use the real oven instead (probably a good idea on her end considering my track record with appliances), I couldn’t WAIT to buy one for my kid. Until, of course, I did and the “delicious cake” tasted more like urinal cake than chocolate.

(don’t ask how I know what a urinal cake tastes like)

I’d realized this year, after perusing the Black Friday sales, that it was finally time for my kids to actually select their own Christmas presents because they’re so damn finicky that it’s damn near impossible for me to buy them an item of clothing without allowing them to select it first. They are, as Mimi gleefully sings, “Stubborn Assholes.*”

Friday night, after a botched Thanksgiving, I had Mimi over to my apartment for our weekly Girl’s Night. I have lofty hopes that one day we can paint our nails, play Truth or Dare, and talk about boys, but for now, Girls Night means that we watch whatever Mimi would like to watch and play the games she likes best. The youngest of three and all, she loves being in charge.

I’d been carefully perusing the Black Friday Deals at my boyfriend, when I came across something I knew my wee masked avengers would either love or hate, so I called my daughter – by far the pickiest of the three – and together we examined toys.

Because my kids range in age from 3 to 11 and my apartment is *ahem* cozy (read: small), I have to make certain that the toys I buy are toys that they can all play with – together or separately. Not always the easiest of tasks, but since Ben is happy to play with his siblings on their level and Mimi and Alex are precocious, it works out well… if’n I can find the right shit.

I did.

For the first year EVER, I managed to get ALL the Christmas shopping done for the kids (likely the only presents I’ll be buying this year) by Friday night with the help of one tiny moppet named Amelia who discovered that Fisher Price makes a series of toys called “Imaginext,” which is a dumb ass name for some neato toys. I vote we petition for a better name, like Sparkle Sparkle…. er, SOMETHING.

Anyway. Amelia quickly noted that they made a BATMAN series and fell in pink-puffy heart love. Thanks to crowd-sourcing via The Twitter, I able to find these toys on sale, which always makes me happy in the pants.

While I’m thrilled that I am, for once, on top of my game with the whole I’M NEARLY DONE WITH THE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING shit, I’m more than a little sad that my daughter, my VERY OWN daughter has, once again, foiled my attempts at the whole, “my daughter needs a Barbie” thing. I’ve offered, begged, pleaded, and blackmailed, and still, she thinks Barbies are dumb.

When I stop hyperventilating, Pranksters, I’ll let you know.

P.S. I really want to do a Christmas card exchange but that seems like a crazy-bad idea. Is it? Should we do one?

*No, I did not happen to teach her that phrase, but it cracks me up whenever she sings the song.

23 thoughts on “I Thought Having Kids Meant Buying Them All The Shit You Never Had

  1. Um, shouldn’t you be using Amazon linkies or something? I totally woulda clicked on them. Can’t you make money doing some affiliate stuff or something? Product placement, baby!

  2. Hells yeah, let’s do a Christmas card exchange! Maybe we could set up a Facebook group, Aunt Becky’s Christmas Cards or somesuch, and post cards on it (to keep the cost of buying/mailing gazillions of cards down).

    And (tossing sparkles) congrats on getting kid’s prezzies done. Now all you have to do is keep them hidden for almost a month. My mom used to use the trunk of the car.

    1. That’s a WAY good idea! I’ve NO idea how to run one, but I think this could be CRAZY fun. I love mail and with all the changes, I honestly look forward to it each day (even though it’s just boring bills).

  3. Christmas Card exchange…yes.

    Buy yourself a Barbie Dream House complete with Barbie, Ken and all kinds of clothes for them (for when the kids are around of course). When your daughter sees how much fun you’re having playing with it, she’ll eventually join in.

    I have all boys so I’ve toyed (pun intended) with this idea many times but never followed through – I usually just borrow a girl child who has girlie toys for an afternoon.

    But you can do it! Be my superhero!!!!

  4. I am totally in for the Christmas Card exchange!! No one seems to do cards at christmas anymore and it makes me sad. It use to be the only time you can get fun mail, now not so much!

  5. I have bought a total of two Chrismas presents so far. One for my other half, and one for our youngest. I’m also giving the eldest $50 for tattoo money. Other than that, I don’t have a damn thing done.

    I think card exchange sounds awesome!! 🙂

  6. I think a card exchange sounds awesome but please explain how to do it in very simple terms. This time of year I get distracted easily. 🙂

  7. Yaaaaaaaaaay for being on your shit! Mental high five! I usually wait until days before Christmas and complain that there was nothing at the store. I’m awesome like that…

    A card exchange would be insanely cool. You could set up an email account and an end date for people to send their preferred name/addresses, then send everyone 5 or so to send cards to. Even my lazy ass could do that on the cheap…

  8. That would be the EXACT reason why my daughter got an Easy Bake Oven from Santa 2 years go. It’s been used a grand total of {drum roll please!} ONCE! Turns out I’m a bit of a control freak when it comes to baking and helping a small child cook a teeny, tiny cake via 100 watt bulb = not so much fun.

  9. I’m in for a card exchange, too! Is it wrong that I love the idea of making the cards we send out? Just to personalize it, y’know? I don’t care if it’s a folded piece of paper with a ransom letter message on it. I love Christmas cards and always spend hours writing little personalized notes in each one just to get one back with a name signed in it. My SIL has gone so far to have their names printed inside the card and prints the envelopes. If it weren’t for the stamp on them, you’d never guess they were touched by human hands. (Oh, and haven’t forgotten that months ago I promised I was making you something pretty. Had a booth at my first craft show in years and took last week off to recover. This week I’m recovering from the recovering. But I haven’t forgotten and it is at the top of my list of things to do!)

  10. I LOVE imaginext, and my boys love it too! In fact, I just purchased an imaginext batcave for the boys on Amazon about an hour ago….

  11. Awesome! We have a ton of that Imaginext Batman stuff and he’s asking for MORE stuff to go with it this year – the toys are excellent and have held up well in the last 3 years of intense batman-esque battles all throughout the cave.

  12. OMG… So I just accidently found your blog by typing into google “Merry Christmas, You’re still an asshole” Yeah, how funny is that? Anyway after spending the last hour and a half reading through your blog, Woot!!! Girl, I heart you!!!! (that and I swear we must be related or something!) Anyway, I’d love to take part in a christmas card exchange as well. As long as you don’t think me like a creepy stalker type person!! lol

  13. OMG… So I just accidently found your blog by typing into google “Merry Christmas, You’re still an asshole” Yeah, how funny is that? Anyway after spending the last hour and a half reading through your blog, Woot!!! Girl, I heart you!!!! (that and I swear we must be related or something!) Anyway, I’d love to take part in a christmas card exchange as well. As long as you don’t think me like a creepy stalker type person!! lol

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