Things haven’t been exactly easy for me in the past year or so, and while I’m remiss to talk about them here, because honestly, every time I put up some whiny “woe is Aunt Becky” post, I’m immediately annoyed by it. Then, because I happen to have some of the best readers in the world, you guys come over and try and make me feel better, which leads to a Wayne’s World-esque “I’m not worthy!” in my head.

Ranting and complaining just isn’t something I do well, so I don’t really bother. If I’m not posting one of two things is happening:

1) I’m having hot, hot sex (shut up. It COULD happen)

or

2) I’m not feeling it, dawg (is it just me pining for American Idol to come back? Probably).

I’m slowly picking myself up off the ground, dusting myself off and trying once again to pee rainbows and sunshine rather than hatorade and spite, and it’s working. Mostly.

But nowhere is my Mind Slippage more evident than apparently in the realm of cakes. Yes, that’s right, I said cakes. My eldest turned 7 last month, and due to a number of incredibly boring reasons, we waited until this weekend to have his Kids Party. Mainly because the last thing I want to do is host a party for a bazillion 7 year olds. Or something.

Normally, most of the thrill of having a big party for me lies in the almighty Cake Selection. You see, despite not really caring for the taste of cake, I happen to have a bit of a love affair with fancy cakes. Like, I kind of want to marry fancy cakes and make cute ickle cake babies. Or something. It’s always been with great gusto that I selected a cake for Ben’s birthday (also: the first time I alone hosted a large party. With or without beer), and great pride that I unveiled it to my guests who probably didn’t give a crap.

Case and point, the first cake that’s made it’s way into my iPhoto gallery.

Okay, so the second cake isn’t as cool, but so what?

And Alex’s first birthday this year…

Is that a….

It totally is! That dirty bitch!

I realize that this is a somewhat poor representation of all the Cakes I’ve Loved And Served, but I’m unable, without major work like lifting my fat ass off this chair and into another one, to show you the catalogue of other awesome cakes I’ve bought. So just PRETEND that you’re seeing a whole ton of pictures mmkay?

Well, this year, I was going to get another bomb-diggity cake for Ben’s birthday party, only to be seen by 7 year old eyes for the sugar content and not the amazing artistry that had gone into it’s creation, but, well, I just didn’t. I took the easy way out and went to Target, pretty much blindly selected a cake (cakes get far less cool for older kids, let me tell you) and picked it up today.

And…it’s hideous. Simply hideous. Awful, even. Don’t believe me?

I mean, after half-watching about 1,000 soccer games I’m appreciative that they got the ethnicities right:

But hey, at least he likes it. Loves it, is more like it. Even though the characters are GROWN MEN and not kids like I thought they’d be (no one to blame but myself here). I mean, hello, creepy Uncle Pervy men here. I’m shocked you can’t quite make out The Bulge in their shorts.

And I can be sure to be the parent that everyone hates when their precious kids come home covered in green goo.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

46 Responses to I Think I’m Losing My Mind This Time, This Time I’m Losing My Mind

  • Badass Geek says:

    Those are some nice looking cakes. I can’t imagine spending enough time around a cake to make something like that without losing all willpower and eating the damn thing.

  • kalakly says:

    Dude, You know my daughter turned 7 on 8/29 and her party isn’t even until NEXT Sunday, so don’t feel too bad (I’ll add that I totally flaked for the last two years and didn’t even do a party for her friends…yes, I am a loser) so try not to beat yourself up too bad. Or at least when you do you can reassure yourself by saying, “Well, at least I don’t suck ass as bad as kalakly…” that should help.
    P.S. Cakes with hookas are the bomb!

  • Those cakes are great!

    DS got a Teeter cake for his first birthday with the most psychotic-looking cats painted on. He got the slightest bit of icing on his fingers and gave us the most disgusted look, but he did love the kitties.

    I think I’m going to have nightmares about those icing cats tonight.

  • it’s a cupcake cake!

    where do you find all these fancy cakes? I want a fancy cake…

  • CLC says:

    I thought for a second that you made those cakes, and I was like wow, she bakes and writes. And then I read more closely. But I am proud of your shopping ability!

  • Jenn says:

    Those fancy cakes kick ass. We don’t have anywhere to go around here to get nice fancy cakes. I hate cake anyway so I do the most horrific thing of all and I *gasp* make my kids’ birthday cakes myself. Haha. They always look so pathetic but I don’t care since we don’t have parties anyway. :)

  • Ms. Moon says:

    Oh my God. Do not let my kids see those cakes. I always make their cakes (yes, I love to bake) and they’re so homemade looking. (translation: Pathetic)
    But they’re delicious and all that made-with-love stuff so it’s okay.
    I’ll never forget though, the year one of my daughters asked for a Barbie cake from the grocery bakery. Or maybe it was My Little Pony. I don’t remember. But anyway, I got her one and she was delighted!
    And I’m sure your son loves that soccer cake with all his heart.

  • Em says:

    In a house full of in laws, you made me laugh with this…

    “creepy Uncle Pervy men here. I’m shocked you can’t quite make out The Bulge in their shorts.”

    Today, you’re a miracle worker. Bless you child.

    Now, I’m off to make cupcakes look like car wheels. What mamas will do to make their little boys happy. I should learn from your experience – I’m pretty sure my 6-year-old would think that soccer cake completely rocks as well.

    Em

  • Sarah says:

    I would totally hook up with a crazy-hot cake. Yummy. They are so gorgeous, and I’m helplessly addicted to all the bad-ass cake shows!!

    I *love* that naughty caterpillar!

  • Fancy says:

    I cannot believe how awesome those cakes are! I’d never even know where to order something like that. One year I made my son a cake from cut up sponge cake pieces covered with cool whip and his name spelled out in strawberries. It looked like crap, but it was delicious. He loved it.

  • giggleblue says:

    so those cupcake cakes have so much damn icing on it, it’s sad.

    please serve the cake last, and send the little bastards on their way before they become little satan helpers…

  • Heather P. says:

    For a howling good time you must visit
    http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/
    It is too funny and you will see some really pathetic cakes there!

  • baseballmom says:

    Damn, you are truly the goddess of cakes. I hate cake, but I am the pie queen…I love it, and would marry it if i could. Those cakes are fabulous, especially the bong one (I know, hookah, but i’m an 80′s stoner chick). Not so sure about the colors on the soccer one, kinda looks like asparagus green…but all that matters is that the kid likes it~!

  • Melissa says:

    Oh… Aunt Becky! To think you have sunk so far!!!!

    If it makes you feel any better, MY OWN SON declared that he wanted an ICE CREAM CAKE from Baskin-Robbins this year for his birthday. I could have made him ANYTHING; and he wants ice cream.

    That’s right, me. Cake-Artist extraordinaire. bought. a. cake. And I’m not even preggers.

    Don’t beat yourself up; you’ll find your cake-buying groove again!!! (Hell, come to Canada and I will make you a cake!!!!)

    Mel

  • KT says:

    “And I can be sure to be the parent that everyone hates when their precious kids come home covered in green goo.” Tell me you don’t love that just a little.

  • Kate says:

    You have been to cakewrecks right?? its right up your alley!

    Mmmm. CaaaaaakEeeee!!

    Here from ICLW..

  • Lola says:

    Oh, honey, relax. I didn’t even have a party for my son’s 7th. He is a December baby, and the whole expense right before Christmas, not to mention 20 presents before he even opens one for Christmas is just too much. I had so many toys in this house the years that I threw him a party that it was obnoxious. He didn’t even know what he got.

    We’ve moved on to just the family thing with a homemade cake and a couple presents.

    The truth is that the kids probably like the soccer cake more than those fantabulous creations. I wish I could get cakes like that around here,though. Just gorgeous!

  • Io says:

    I am in awe of those first cakes… but I would still eat the green soccer cake. And suck the frosting off the menfolk.

  • Em says:

    Those cakes are amazing! I made a train cake for my daughter’s 2nd birthday. Needless to say it didn’t look like the picture in the Australian Women’s Weekly birthday party cakes book. Never again!

  • melanie says:

    as a fellow caker, I HATE CUPCAKE CAKES (I mean they are supposed to be easier to serve but I find the mess the extra icing makes –not to mention that some bakers use icing to stick the cupcakes to the cake board as well so they dont shift— to be more messy than just cutting and serving a regular piece of cake) ……The funny thing is kids just crack me up, I got into cake decorating to make my kids cool cakes, my niece usually got a teired cake but this year she informs me that she doenst want 2 or 3 cakes on top of each other, little brat (hahaha) just wants ONE ROUND CAKE! Next she is truly going to break my heart and ask for those lovely plastic balloons!

  • jerseygirl89 says:

    I’m sure the kids didn’t notice how pervy those soccer players looked. All they care about is licking the frosting.
    Ironflower insists on making cakes with her father for ALL family occasions. And while they taste fine, decorating is not my husband’s strong suit. I don’t even take pictures of them anymore.

  • mumma boo says:

    Where did you find those amazing creations? My MIL makes wedding cakes for a living and I know she’d freak if a bakery like that opened up in her town. Her cakes are amazing, but those take it to an all new level. As for the pervy cake, although we can’t see the bulge in the shorts, if you look carefully, the nipples are hard on the guy with the soccer ball. Heh.

  • swirl girl says:

    I just had 9 year old’s birthday – last week. Hadda cupcake cake shaped like a peace sign…groovy!

  • Ah, the green food coloring. I can imagine how fun that will be when, a few days later, they’re wondering why they’re pooping green!

    Eh, don’t matter. Frosting is frosting, and frosting is fantastic!

  • Nissa says:

    Sorry you are feeling so blah. If it makes you feel any better all the cakes I have gotten for my kids approx 18 now, look like Ben’s from this year. See don’t you feel better now?

  • Becky says:

    OMG those first cakes are freakin amazing!!!!! I don’t know that I would even be able to cut into them because they are so cool looking. Kinda reminded me of wedding cakes.

    I can only imagine what the kids mouthes looked like after eating that soccer cake!!! :-)

  • Maria says:

    Hahahahaha that cake rules. There’s some serious soccer going on there.

    Also, the other cakes? HOLY SHIT, WOMAN. YOU ARE INTO CAKE.

    We picked up a “welcome baby brother” cake a Publix (grocery) for the shower yesterday. They actually did a decent job decorating it. And it tasted yummy. But it wasn’t museum-quality.

    I know how you feel on the not feelin’ the blogging thing. I’m always really hesitant to be honest/open when I’m feeling lame, but when it comes to reading I never mind reading rants or unhappy posts. No one is happy/funny every day.

    You can tag me over email any time, lady.

  • How to Party with an Infant says:

    I feel so guilty about the cake I served up after seeing those cakes! Hot damn.

  • Cricket says:

    Aunt Becky, will you be my mom?

  • heather says:

    I feel like some kind of crappy mother who only ever buys cakes at Kroger. And I thought I was doing good, because you should have seen the home made cakes I got as a kid. I mean, if the cake falls apart and you still ice it, it’s a flippin tragedy for the kid. Rebake the efifn cake already. I just skipped all that and bought them at the grocery store and my daughter has loved every one.

  • I have been so far out of the blogosphere. But when I opened up the old Google Reader and headed straight to Aunt Becky, I seriously laughed out loud when I saw the picture of the cake.

    Hideous. is the correct word.

    Awesome. is what I say. Thanks for sharing. Made my day–and I mean that.

    Funny stuff!!!

  • kate says:

    a) this phrase makes me love you: make cute ickle cake babies

    b) those soccer players just kind of look bummed out

  • nancy says:

    Someone to appreciate the cakes I bought for my kid’s first birthdays. True, I buy the dumb grocery store version each year since, but that first one, oh yes – the cake. It’s important! :)

    Adults playing soccer. ~giggle~

    iclw

  • Sandy says:

    I’m so jealous – I’ve never had a pretty cake anywhere near that – I must step up my game!

  • Kate says:

    Those cakes are amazing!!

  • Suzie says:

    Thank so much for your kind thoughts during little B’s illness it was much appreciated.He’s at school today and doing great.

    Those cakes are amazing. You are an artisit

  • Rachel says:

    Those cakes are too cute to actually cut and eat…which makes me sad because I really love cake. I could eat some cake right now…

  • Carlynn says:

    I am SO coming to visit you and I want a cake like that (you know, the cool one that looks like it comes out of Alice and Wonderland, not the soccer one. I’m just not that into soccer …) And then you can teach me how to pee rainbows. Now that would definitely be something I could add to my CV (which is currently pathetic).

  • Heather says:

    OMG I am in awe of those cakes!! I wouldn’t even know where to buy a cake like that, let alone get the funds to PAY for it!!

    Now the one at the bottom, much more like the cakes I remember and the one’s Zack will be looking at for years to come!!

  • Brooke says:

    Ohhhh! Ahh!! I love love love the first 3 cakes. The Wonderland cake is amazing! I am fortunate enough to have a friend who makes wonderfully beautiful cakes. For one of Christian’s birthdays she made a cake that was a pirate ship. It was amazing. Cannon, Jack Sparrow and all.

    Sorry you’ve been feeling off. So have I. When you are no longer pregnant how about we meet in the middle and stare at some pretty cakes while having some vodka?

  • LilSass says:

    I just did the math and realized how old you are. Wow …. wow ….

    P.S. I hate cake but LOVE the way they look. Ok, now that I think about it, I don’t hate cake, I just hate that kinda cake. Homemade chocolate? Yum! Lemon? YUM!! Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting? Yuuuuuuu-uuuuum!!

  • Pamela J. says:

    This – is – hysterical.

    It’s kind of like how life is, you start out with fantastically pretty, energetic, creative. And then it all goes downhil. LOLOLOL. The frigging bulge in the pants. I LOVE IT.

    My son had to have a green Ninja Turtle cake for his 7th birthday. But no bulges. Green icing is so completely gross. The juxtaposition of the soccer cake against the other masterpieces — priceless.

  • SCY says:

    Those cakes are amazing – but I would not want to cut them – ever!!! Well exept maybe the soccer one cos I hate soccer ;)

    xxx

  • Amanda says:

    I looooove your fancy cakes! Stoner caterpillar and all!

  • excavator says:

    A hookah-smokin-caterpillar ???

    Yee Haw. I LOVE cake. Wish I’d been at those parties.

  • tash says:

    OMG those are funny, as is this post. I was going to tell you about cakewrecks, but someone beat me to it.

    We are sans kitchen and Bella was having her party at the Academy of Sciences (dinos AND butterflies) so I flipped through the bakery cake book looking for one or the other . . . and found a beautiful one with both. Clearly someone had the same freaking party.

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