In roughly two hours, I’m leaving for my cruise, which is pretty much full of WIN for me and pretty much full of LOSE for my family. I’m traveling alone down to Florida to meet up with Angie because stupid CHICAGO doesn’t have a stupid OCEAN it’s rapidly losing whatever awesomeness quotient it had. Chicago, I am moving away.

I’ve been on a cruise once before as a broke college kid and they put us in what HAD to have once been servant’s quarters, but I’ll tell you that it was awesome. Even when we hit a major storm and everyone started yacking in the hallways like the Great Pie Eating Contest in Stand By Me, it was pretty much the best vacation ever. My friends didn’t have a very good time, but I did.

I mean, it’s a big boat in the middle of the ocean. Occasionally, when you sail close to hostile countries, you get surrounded by men with semiautomatic weapons. What’s not to love?

This time, I’m going to relax, workout, get a motherfucking tan and write. I have a lot of writing to do on my book and a lot of thinking to do. I know, that makes me sound very deep and meaningful, but it’s true. YOUR AUNT BECKY, a THINKING person. Who would have THOUGHT it?

(answer: not me)

I’m hoping to come back with a camera full of hilarious pictures. It’s going to be like BINGO for Cruising Bloggers. This is what I want:

1) A picture of someone in a tuxedo shirt

2) Someone with a mullet

3) Someone with a SHE-mullet

4) Someone using a garbage bag for luggage

I’m not sure quite what else to expect, but I’m sure that will be an excellent start.

I’ve gotten a couple of guest posts lined up, and The Daver will be doing Go Ask The Daver this week, so if you want THE DAVER to answer your questions, go ahead and submit them to Go Ask Aunt Becky in the sidebar (if you don’t, he’ll just answer some Go Ask Aunt Becky questions). He’s more thoughtful and nicer than I am anyway and it’ll take him like 10 hours to write the column so that will be HILARIOUS if you do it. I can’t wait to get back and see what you make him do.

SPEAKING of book stuff, Dave will be home with The Sausages and sending out the sample chapter for my book, so check your spam filter if you’ve signed up because that’s where they’ve been ending up. See, I sent them from a DUMMY email address because I didn’t want people being all “WHO THE FUCK AR U SLUT?” in my real email case one of you had entered your email all wrong.

So the email address is a dummy.

But, if you haven’t gotten it by Sunday, send an email, marriage proposal, or complaints to That’s Dave’s email address and he likes email, I think. Internet access on the boat is like 50 dollars a minute and while I might go through withdrawal, I can’t justify tweeting at that rate.

Bon Voyage, my Pranksters. If my plane does not go down in a fiery crashball like the last one I was on almost did, I will see you on Monday.

Also, for any of you who asked how old I was in that picture, it was taken on Sunday and I am actually 12.5. I’m aging backwards.



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