In roughly two hours, I’m leaving for my cruise, which is pretty much full of WIN for me and pretty much full of LOSE for my family. I’m traveling alone down to Florida to meet up with Angie because stupid CHICAGO doesn’t have a stupid OCEAN it’s rapidly losing whatever awesomeness quotient it had. Chicago, I am moving away.

I’ve been on a cruise once before as a broke college kid and they put us in what HAD to have once been servant’s quarters, but I’ll tell you that it was awesome. Even when we hit a major storm and everyone started yacking in the hallways like the Great Pie Eating Contest in Stand By Me, it was pretty much the best vacation ever. My friends didn’t have a very good time, but I did.

I mean, it’s a big boat in the middle of the ocean. Occasionally, when you sail close to hostile countries, you get surrounded by men with semiautomatic weapons. What’s not to love?

This time, I’m going to relax, workout, get a motherfucking tan and write. I have a lot of writing to do on my book and a lot of thinking to do. I know, that makes me sound very deep and meaningful, but it’s true. YOUR AUNT BECKY, a THINKING person. Who would have THOUGHT it?

(answer: not me)

I’m hoping to come back with a camera full of hilarious pictures. It’s going to be like BINGO for Cruising Bloggers. This is what I want:

1) A picture of someone in a tuxedo shirt

2) Someone with a mullet

3) Someone with a SHE-mullet

4) Someone using a garbage bag for luggage

I’m not sure quite what else to expect, but I’m sure that will be an excellent start.

I’ve gotten a couple of guest posts lined up, and The Daver will be doing Go Ask The Daver this week, so if you want THE DAVER to answer your questions, go ahead and submit them to Go Ask Aunt Becky in the sidebar (if you don’t, he’ll just answer some Go Ask Aunt Becky questions). He’s more thoughtful and nicer than I am anyway and it’ll take him like 10 hours to write the column so that will be HILARIOUS if you do it. I can’t wait to get back and see what you make him do.

SPEAKING of book stuff, Dave will be home with The Sausages and sending out the sample chapter for my book, so check your spam filter if you’ve signed up because that’s where they’ve been ending up. See, I sent them from a DUMMY email address because I didn’t want people being all “WHO THE FUCK AR U SLUT?” in my real email case one of you had entered your email all wrong.

So the email address is a dummy.

But, if you haven’t gotten it by Sunday, send an email, marriage proposal, or complaints to That’s Dave’s email address and he likes email, I think. Internet access on the boat is like 50 dollars a minute and while I might go through withdrawal, I can’t justify tweeting at that rate.

Bon Voyage, my Pranksters. If my plane does not go down in a fiery crashball like the last one I was on almost did, I will see you on Monday.

Also, for any of you who asked how old I was in that picture, it was taken on Sunday and I am actually 12.5. I’m aging backwards.



48 thoughts on “I Love It When We’re Cruising Together

  1. Hi! Have a fantastic time! If you aren’t able to get all those pictures, you could cheat and just go to Walmart. I was there this morning and I saw all those things. (The Tux shirt I saw was a t-shirt. Is that what you meant? Or a real tux shirt) Anyway, I’ll be thinking of you out there, being warm, floating on the ocean and I’ll be here dying of jealousy.

  2. Aunt Becky I hope you have a BLAST! And that you get a lot of writing done, but mostly I’m counting on you for a mullet picture.. You will be missed!

  3. Have fun, and remember the cute dog being led through the baggage retrieval is not there for show. It is a working dog looking for illegal food stuff.

  4. Have a wonderful time and please please please remember every moment so you can tell us all about it when you get back and I can live vicariously through you!! By tuxedo shirt do you mean a real one or a t-shirt one? If it’s a t-shirt one then I am going to guess that you might hit a trifecta and get a picture of someone WITH a mullet WEARING a tuxedo t-shirt while CARRYING their garbage bag luggage…is it too much to hope that they will have a she-mullet wife on their arm? Cause that would send me over the moon!

  5. Why didn’t you invite me???

    Have a great time, and get lots of writing done. Also, have the Daver hire a maid for the day before you return…

  6. By any chance are you sailing out of Miami???? You could at least wave on your way through town. I’ll be jockin you and your fabulous pee-alone, I mean cruise time. You better have a boat-load of fun (gah, that was awful) and definitely write your little heart out. You totally deserve it. I feel confident when I speak for all us internetzers when I say that we’ll really miss you. Bon voyage beyotch!!!!

  7. OMG have an amazing time!!! I am living vicariously through you and your child-free cruise, (in case you wondered what that tingling feeling was in your spidey senses – it’s me, livin’ the dream.) I did one cruise = senior year in high school with my gay bff and the entire time everyone thought we were newleweds. Mainly because he’d affect this awesome uber-straight voice and pretend to throw me into our cabin and then bang on the door like we were getting busy. It was crazy. Then we found out it was a themed cruise. Country Western. Did I mention me and my GAY BFF??? NOT Country Western fans. I totally have to blog this. Have FUN! And drink one for me!

  8. Oh and thanks for the title of this post, now I got that stupid song in my head. Thanks, your the best man. And I knew you were like 12.5 or so my gawd girl you looked crazy young!

  9. You’ve gotta not only find a fat guy wearing a speedo, but it would be nice if you could find a ‘wow! I’m glad I got to see that speedo…’ like a sexy minimal to hairless guy.

  10. Ooh, I’m going away this weekend, family-free, too! BUT I have to wear a bridesmaid dress.
    Can you take a picture of someone re-wearing a bridesmaid dress? I need ideas to get my $99 worth.

  11. How sad is it that I can honestly say I’ve seen everything on your bingo check list at my local Walmart AND at my local airport.

    The joys of living in Tennessee.

  12. Well, I knew you were a genius, Aunt Becky, but I bow before your Completely Evil SUPERGenius. Aging backward. Check out the BIG BRAIN on our Becky. I am totally stealing that idea while you’re drunk on a cruise ship.
    Angie at EatHere

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