LAST week I ran ANOTHER contest to give away my friend Stefanie Wilder-Taylor’s book, It’s Not Me, It’s You, which is freaking amazing. The book, not my contest. If you haven’t read it, or her blog, Baby on Bored, you really, really need to. And I’m not just saying that because she’s a BFF of mine or because she’s standing behind me with a gun to my head. The book rules, so does her blog. Also, don’t shoot me.

PLUS, if you buy ANY of her books (yeah, plural. FEEL FREE TO HATE HER) now at Comedy Film Nerds, you can get them signed and personalized. I’d suggest getting them made out to Yer Anus or Mike Crotch. Hehehe. I think I have some shopping to do. Hehehe.

The rules were simple, join my group Aunt Becky’s Band of Merry Pranksters over at Savvy Source (which you still can join me, even if you haven’t entered the contest, because it’s fun! The widget is on the sidebar) and leave a comment here. Random Number Generator was going to do the work for me because math is hard and I’m not a smart person. OBVIOUSLY. I’m a blogger. I don’t like to do REAL WORK.

And so, the winner-winner-chicken-dinner is…KARYN.

(also, because I am Captain Dumbass I have something I bought for The Daver that he already OWNS for the next contest. Now I’ll just have to write another interview because that was fun)


For something completely different, a reworked, awesome post from moi:

(ring, ring)

Aunt Becky (clearly jumping out of her skin with excitement): “Hey Fuckwad, I had a great idea!”

The Daver: “Yeah?”

(typing sounds resume in background)

Aunt Becky: “I want to buy a new house now.”

The Daver (warily) “Yeah?”

Aunt Becky: “I found a new one.”

The Daver: “What?!?”

Aunt Becky (talking faster now): “I mean, I know the market sucks but I just realized my dream house!”

The Daver (tiredly): “Where is this place?

Aunt Becky: “Well, you know that forest preserve that I love that we always pass on the way home that I always say ‘God, I love that forest preserve?'”

The Daver (warily) (wearily): “….yes…”

Aunt Becky (triumphantly): “I’ve decided that we’re going to buy the Cantigny Mansion. You know, the old McCormick house? I toured it once as a kid with my parents, and I LOVED it!”

The Daver: (feels the dull thump of a migraine coming on) “Becky, it’s not for sale. It’s property of the county”

Aunt Becky: I KNEW you were going to say that! THAT’S why we have to go in with guns blazing! Give them an offer they can’t refuse!”

The Daver (rests head on desk) “Ohno.”

Aunt Becky (dreamily):“Think about it, Dave. We can be Lord and Lady of the house. I mean, I already changed my name to Princess Grace of Monaco when we got married!”

The Daver: “You know she’s dead, right?”

Aunt Becky: “So she won’t mind that I’ve taken her name. Plus, I won’t have to explain to people, I’m the OTHER Princess Grace of Monaco. See, I think of EVERYTHING.”

The Daver: You got me out of a meeting for THIS?”

Aunt Becky: “DUH. This is IMPORTANT.”

The Daver: “Dude. You’d better get this freelancing shit going soon.”

Aunt Becky: “When I am Lady of the House, I won’t have time to write any more. I’ll be too busy trying on my vast tiara collection and ordering the staff to taste my food to make sure it’s not been poisoned.”

The Daver: “I’m going to call some people to see if they’ll hire you.”

Aunt Becky: “Good luck with that.”

The Daver: “I’ll make them an offer they can’t refuse.”

Aunt Becky: “Wait a minute…”


81 thoughts on “I Just Called To Say I Love You. And By “I Love You,” I Mean That This Prenup Means I Own You.

  1. Well, if you’re going to get a SMALL house, I guess that one would be okay.

    So, what does The Daver have lined up for you? Assistant on Dirty Jobs? Cashier at Jewel? Wait, I know – since you’re a big time writer and all, you’re going to take over the Sun Times, right? Would definitely be an improvement…

  2. If you can -now is a great time to buy up-you may not make money on your house-but you’ll pay less on the new house. The market is not supposed to hit bottom until next spring-so you’ve got time.
    By a house next to me. I need some cool friends. Or friends at all, really. : )

  3. Ooohh can I come live with you?! I’m not good at much. I don’t like doing laundry, dishes, or really anything chore related. BUT I can drink like NOBODY’S business! So, what ya say? I say YES! You’re welcome!

  4. “You got me out of a meeting for THIS?”

    I don’t know how many times I have heard that from DH. It’s like he just doesn’t understand the importance of things like a clogged toilet (that will remain clogged until he gets home so he needs to get home now)

  5. Just outside of Lexington, There’s a castle. No shit, a freakin’ CASTLE. It’s a bed and breakfast now, but it was empty for a long while. When I was a little girl, I figured I would just buy it when I became rich and famous. Then I could be the Queen of Kentucky.

  6. erm.. As funny as that was.

    If anyone replies seriously about getting your man out of a meeting you must know that the entire office will laugh behind his back about what a fucking pussy he is. Especially if it happens more than once.

    Just sayin.

  7. You can be lady of my manor anytime.

    Hmmm…that sounds vaguely like a cheesy come-on. I AM heterosexual you know. I have a BABY! With a MAN!

    Speaking of which, when do they stop biting? (the baby, not the man)

  8. SO SO SO funny….gives me so many ideas on how to mess with Jim. Love the conversation, the change in topic by the Daver and the “I came out of a meeting for this” Nothing remotely castle like by me… at least not that I have found yet. I will keep you in mind if I see anything

  9. Do you remember when Phoebe changed her name to Princess Consuela BananaHammock ? I know you would have gone with that one if it wasn’t already taken. And then her boyfriend changed his name to Crapbag. So if Princess Grace of Monaco is YOUR name, what is The Davers ?

  10. Well your highness, please allow me to mention that not only will you have schlubs to taste your food for poison you will have additional schlubs to cook the food to begin with. A double win no?

  11. I have finally figured out who you remind me of. You remind me of Stephanie Plum of the Janet Evonovich Mystery Books. She is my favorite writer.

    I love this post!!! It is too funny.

  12. Owned by the county, eh? Can’t you just volunteer the Daver as the caretaker of the preserve? By the by, doesn’t that whole “Wildlife Preserve” make you picture Bambi chopped up in strawberry jam and crammed into a little jar?

  13. Maybe you guys could just move in and the county wouldn’t even notice. You never know…it looks big enough.

    In high school, I knew a guy who lived in an actual castle. His dad built it for his mom after they struck it rich. It was freaking awesome (well, I was not cool enough to get to go there. but I saw pictures).

    Make the daver build you a castle. on a forest preserve.

  14. I say move in and furnish it with Lazy Boy recliners and round waterbeds!
    Beaded curtains instead of doors.
    Lava lamps.

    Class that dump up a bit.

  15. Oooh Beck, you are tooooo sexy. Thanks for giving me my propers and I sent Karyn the book already! I did go ahead and make it out to Anita Mann – GET IT???? Okay, moving on…

  16. I’m guessing the Daver has learned never to answer your calls on speakerphone, huh? The house looks lovely from the outside, but I bet the closet space sucks. You will need many closets for tiaras and shoes, Princess.

  17. You know, last year, the house my hubby wants to live in went on the market (it totally looks like a castle), and I yelled at him (in semi public) WHY THE FUCK DID YOU REENLIST FOR? WE COULD HAVE HAD TURRETS!!!!! TURRETS!!!!!!!

    Why he still loves me I have no idea.

  18. You do realize that house in in Wheaton, right? And they kept the prohibition there until 1991. 1991!!!! Not because they had to, but because they wanted to. I’m just saying – you may not like your neighbors very much. You might have to rename your blog “Mommy wants milk” after losing a long legal battle with them.


  19. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS??? It means you can now come over and hang out with me…and my husband since we are the SELF proclaimed King and Queen if our town. AND, AND, AND, AND, We are seriously trying to figure out a way to buy this…. it is totally for sale and smack dab in the middle of our town so we can keep our jobs..because we love to work even though we are King and Queen…its totally awesome to bark orders at your minions wearing a tiara…try it…you will LOVE it! (can you tell I am a little excited about you and The Daver becoming nobility?)

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