Now admit it, Internet, you thought one of two things when you saw this picture of me in my Emo Glasses.
Either you looked frantically around for the red and white striped sweater and stupid beanie penis-shaped hat.
You expected the picture to come to life and pull out a guitar from some behind the bookcase and a hidden book of beat poetry. Then you expected it to sing a song about feelings, comparing feelings to a) flowers b) colors c) something completely incongruent, like ketchup.
Whatever you expected, there you have it. A picture of me, circa 2005, taken by this adorable moppet:
with a camera that had seen it’s better days. We returned from our honeymoon, only to download the pictures and notice that it appeared as though the lens had been smeared thickly with Vasoline for every. single. shot we’d taken.
Even the one like this:
showcasing both my awesome cornrows and my floppy, saggy boobies (it actually was the dress)(like I would lie about that)(seriously, I would tell you about my pooper and lie about my saggy boobies? As if.) that appears to have been taken underwater.
(and I realize that I look mighty dour to be on my honeymoon in beautiful St. Lucia, but I wasn’t unhappy, just very, very ill. Like, I should have stayed at home in bed ill. Plenty of sleep and antibiotics when you’re dead, right?)(right)
And I’ll round out an entry about absolutely nothing with a shot of my daughter, whom I alternately call “Doctor Love” or “Twinkle Toes.” Okay, now that is a total lie, because I call her “Goo” but that’s okay because she’s wearing shoes that I would give my left testicle for if I had such a thing:
Dear Shoe Manufacturers,
Please make shoes like this in my size.
And for shits and giggles and to present further proof that I am not only certifiable but also nuts, there is this,
My cat among the orchids.
And let me congratulate my friend, Mrs. Soup (that stinking hippie who took me to see Dave Matthews Band) for winning the contest, Aunt Becky Travels The World And Does Stuff!
In second place, I have Aunt Becky Does the Dirty South from my friend Amy D!
And in third, NOBODY puts Aunt Becky in a Corner! (now, more fitting than ever).
Winners, please send me your addresses to firstname.lastname@example.org.