Primarily because I am a freak-a-leak, I like to sleep in arctic temperatures, which is great, because I live in Illinois, where winters stretch on for what I am sure is actually several years at a stretch. It’s probably a good thing we don’t move to more temperate climates, as I am fairly certain I would never get a night’s sleep again (with or without Alex’s ministrations of doom), and I would probably become one of those people who wakes drenched in sweat and looking like they had just stepped out of the shower.

Let’s all chime in with a collective “Ew.

But thankfully for my husband AND my sheets, my bedroom at night tends to get pretty frigid, so much so that occasionally I will snuggle a heating pad (As he is my boyfriend, I have christened him “Stu”) until my body adjusts to the extreme cold.

Several weeks ago, I was doing my standard lay on the heating pad (Stu) routine as I read my book before bed, when I noticed two things almost simultaneously: my back was becoming uncomfortably warm AND there was a noxious smell coming from..well, SOMEWHERE (I have 3 cats, a dog, a baby, a rabbit, a hedgehog, and some leftovers in my fridge that have probably grown teeth by now. There’s no shortage of odd smells emanating from anywhere in my home).

Rather than investigate (read: I’m lazy and tired), I shut Stu off and promptly fell asleep.

Several days later, as I shuffled into my bedroom I noticed that there appeared to be foodstuffs on my sheets. Because I was then overtaken my desire to have a little snack, I went over and investigated further.

Nope, not food, and not even blood.


I had actually succeeded in burning my sheets.

Rather than spend the next several days playing the What If game, and envisioning myself engulfed by flames (not of the burning love variety, either) while I slumbered in my Green Death Nyquil Haze, I chose to have a good laugh at my own expense.

I mean, they put those warnings on heating pads (and electric blankets) for a reason (no, not the “do not submerge in water” ones. Even I know better than that. Mostly.) and yet I chose to ignore them and do precisely what they warn against.

And I suppose this means yet another trip to Target (read: Mecca) for a fresh set of sheets and possibly a vow to my husband that I never, ever, under any circumstances, should operate anything remotely electric.

What makes me saddest is that I am going to have to say a heartfelt good bye to my warm boyfriend Stu, as I toss him unceremoniously into the garbage can. Turns out he was one of those toxic relationships after all.



18 Responses to Hunk-a Hunk-a Burnin’ Love

  • Melissa C says:

    well there’s always the hot water bottle!

  • becky says:

    That’s a fantastic idea, Melissa. Seriously.

    Do they still make them?

  • Meg says:

    Would you believe I actually have marbling on my lower back from over-use of a hot water bottle? So sad.

  • Just kick him to the curb, girl!

  • Melissa C says:

    would you believe I got some at the dollar store??? That’s what I give the kids to cuddle with on a chilly night… then I don’t worry!

  • Jenn says:

    I also prefer cold to sleep at night. I have a hot water bottle here because when I was pregnant with my daughter I pulled a muscle in my back. I never thought of using it for warmth purposes. I just put my icy feet on my husband and I’m good to go. 🙂

  • Karen says:

    I like to keep my house at an Artic temperature also. I have an electric blanket between my flat sheet and top sheet during the winter. I put it about a half hour before I intend to turn in so my sheets are toast. But I trun it off before I actually go to sleep.

    Sorry aobut Stu.

  • Tracy says:

    They do still make hot water bottles. I think I found mine in some odd location at the pharmacy – next to the aspirin or something.

    You could also have a series of one night stands with those Thermocare wraps. They work well on more serious aches.

  • Heather says:

    My sister! Here in the south, it’s never cold enough and I have been known (more often than not) to run the A/C in the middle of January. I cannot sleep if it’s not like a batcave (pitch black, dead quiet, and butt cold). I used to be a heating pad addict until I suffered a few injuries due to falling asleep on one. Now I use buckwheat pillows that are heated in the microwave – love them! I overuse them so much, they become threadbare and I am forced to purchase another. They sell for about $15 at Bed, Bath, and Beyond and have a lovely lavender scent!

    Oh, and those thermacare wraps are on my list!

  • Heather says:

    Oh, yeah, and you can also buy heated mattress pads that you can warm your bed with before you crawl in, then cut it off when you sleep. Pretty nice.

  • Doc says:

    What stinks is that you burned up the sheets and it wasn’t even a real live boyfriend….

  • Emily says:

    Breaking up is ever so hard to do.

  • honeywine says:

    I had a pillow that I felt the same way about. 🙂 I miss him. In a pinch, our mom used to use a jar filled with almost boiling water wrapped in a towel.

  • Amy says:

    I have a hot water bottle (found mine in the pharmacy section at Target) and I also have one of those microwave bean bag things that smells like lavender. I like them both and sometimes will actually use both of them just to warm up the sheets before I go to bed. I’ve thought about one of those electric mattress pads, but I’m too cheap to spend the money when my my hot water bottle does the same thing for free.

  • Lindz says:

    Okay, my getting DURRTY WIT~ EITHER, Jon Cusack, back in the day it would’ve been duckie(Jon Cryer), and Keanu Reeves.

    very sorry for the loss of stu.

  • Victoria says:

    **Me, reaching over to turn off my electric heating pad**

    Um, yikes!

  • baseballmom says:

    Ooooh, I LOVE my room freezing when I sleep too!

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