Saturday morning found me fast asleep in my very own bed, dreaming contentedly about mountains of marshmallow frosting and inexplicably John Mayer (who, I should add, I find to be a complete douche. With amazing talent. But a douche. But damn, can that white boy play or what?), when through the door burst The Daver carrying Alex. Not entirely unlike the time the Incident When Alex Ate A Dime, but now Alex was 2 and no longer a baby.

Before I knew it, he’d thrust Alex into bed with me, unceremoniously, and while I was delighted to see my son, after a full two painful days away from him, I was suitably UNDERwhelmed to hear what came pouring from The Daver’s mouth.

“I’m sorry to wake you up, I know you got in late, but look at Alex’s eye.”

Alex was laying on his hands on top of me and all I could see was his gigantic hair covered head, and his eye was out of sight. Finally, he popped his face up to look at me (and thankfully did NOT thrust his tiny fingers into my eye socket as punishment for leaving him) and I saw it.

Since the last time I’d seen my son, his eye had…well, grown. It was now approximately the size and shape of a small nation and swollen nearly shut. I could see the purplish streaks that signified bruising from the sudden influx of fluid into his eyelid. Knowing that if something had happened, say, he’d been knocked out in a prizefight or maybe defended my honor against some other toddler who was knockin’ HIS mom, I’d have been told, my heart sunk.

By the grace of God, I forced myself as awake as I could be and sat up. As I wrapped my hammy arms around my son and pulled him close, I sighed deeply.

Alex had cellulitis. Again.

It’s been years since I actively practiced nursing, but I remember several things vividly from nursing school:

1) A code brown best avoided

2) I was a terrible nurse

3) Cellulitis was a big fucking deal.

This cinched it for me: I wasn’t going to be going back to Chicago for BlogHer. Nope. No more $36 dollar bottles of diet coke for me. No more swag and no more marketers. Hell, I wouldn’t even get to meet half the people I’d wanted to meet which is the only thing about the prospect of staying home that made my heart wear a frowny face.

But such is life.

I sent Dave downstairs to put a call in to Alex’s pediatrician while I put on pants as Alex stared at me, making me sort of uncomfortable. He eyed me warily; his one eye studying me very seriously. I’d left him once, he knew, and he wasn’t about to let me out of his (one-eyed) sight again until he was sure I wasn’t going to recklessly abandon him again.

The poor kid had had a bout of cellulitis mere months ago, also orbital (read: around the eye) but this time in the other eye, and I knew that we were about due for another ER visit. I’m telling you, my ER Frequent Flyer Punch Card is nearly full! I’m almost due for a free emesis basin OR I can wait and upgrade to some IV tubing!

The last time, we’d avoided being admitted for IV antibiotics by the skin of our teeth, and I wasn’t taking any chances this time around. We dragged our sad sacks to Alex’s normal doctor, who seemed shockingly unconcerned, discomfortingly telling us to “wait and see.”

Which, hi, I’m cool with waiting and seeing about, oh I don’t know, an ear infection, or a skinned knee, or what crazy outfit Britney will wear next but with orbital edema so severe that my son could now not see at all out of one of his eyes?

The doctor was, apparently as he told us, still pissed that someone had called him at 3AM complaining of a swollen hand from an earlier bee sting. Which sucks, no doubt, but this is my son’s eyesocket, not a boo-boo on his knee.

alex-cellulitis

My professional opinion? Fuck you and fuck that.

It was back to the ER with us. And hey, all’s well that ends well, and we got the script for some antibiotics…

(I feel I should disclose here, in order to assure you that we are not exactly hypochondriacs, that this is the second time Alex has been on antibiotics in his 2.5 years on this planet. And the second time that he’s been to the MD for anything OTHER than a well-baby visit. The first time? Follow-up from the LAST bout of cellulitis)

…and he’s feeling much better. The swelling has gone down while the bruising has gone up, so he really looks like he’s got a pretty rad shiner. I’ve always been fond of a black eye, I told him today, and he just looked at me like I was the world’s biggest idiot.

Because, well, at 2 my son has discovered what the world already knows: I am the world’s biggest idiot.

But anyway. You read my blog. You know I’m a moron. This is not national news.

Here’s what is.

(no it’s not)

(no, really, it’s not)

So, BlogHer gives away a bunch of swag, no? I’m sure you heard of it, what with the hoards of stampeding bloggers rushing the bags and elbowing kids out of their damn way (damn fool kids!). These are not lies, no.

I have a fool ton of stuff. Some of it I’ll use, but most of it? I took because I did not know what else to do with it. It could be useful to other people, but for as much shit as I have in my house, I don’t need any additional, and I was struggling what to do with all of it. There’s some pretty good stuff among the ads and coupons (those I tossed).

I was also stuck trying to figure out what to do with the huge ass stack of business cards I’d been told I needed to bring to BlogHer but didn’t get to pass out because I am a loser who went home early and then had to take her very ill son to the hospital. The loser part is incidental and irrelevant, because, remember, I win at LIFE, Internet.

So let’s do something with this stuff, since it would be green to reUSE it. Anything you don’t like, you can give away to your least favorite relative for Christmas. Here’s what my friend Lola suggested.

Leave me a comment, I’ll email you for your address, or email me outright (aunt.becky.sucks@gmail.com) and then I’ll send you some business cards.

(Pithy Aside/Reassurance: do not worry about me stalking you, should you disclose your address to me. I have 0% attention span AND I am lazy. Plus, Dave is the only other adult in the house and I just asked him my middle name, so that I could prove to you that he is forgetful. His answer? Elizabeth. My middle name? Sherrick)

Do something high-larious with the cards–you know, take ’em out for drinks, give ’em to your friends, whatever–send me the pictures documenting what you did.

No, not like rubbing one off on them, because ew, but you know. Something creative, or funny, or just plain weird. I’ll throw up the pictures with a link to your site and we can vote. Whomever wins, gets some of the BlogHer stuff and some other obviously hilarious crap that I pick out for you. No, not like old banana peels and breast pump parts. It’ll be like a grab bag of The Awesomeness. But in gigantic box form.

And if THAT doesn’t sound appealing, leave me a comment telling me something else I can do with these cards. I mean, I feel like a tool keeping them, because what the shit do I do with them? No seriously, WHAT do I do with them?

We’ll run this contest until, oh, I don’t know, how about September 8? Because that’s Daver’s birthday and this should help me remember it. See, Internet, I love YOU more than I love The Daver.

Then you cannot say that Your Aunt Becky never gave you anything besides the urge to punch her in the head. Because that, my friends, is the universal gift Your Aunt Becky gives to everyone who meets her.

*Blogher didn’t REALLY break my kid. Just my soul. Whatever was left of it, I mean.

Comments

comments

99 thoughts on “How BlogHer Broke My Kid*

  1. Poor kid. I hate when doctors think they know more than moms and play the “I can’t be bothered to do my job because I’m a dick”. The sooner they realize that mommy knows best, the better off everyone will be. I’m glad that Alex is ok, though it was nice of him to wait to have an emergency until you were home, that would’ve been awful to have Daver dealing with that while you were in Chicago.

    And dude. I love this contest. Count me in.

  2. Aw man, that sucks that you couldn’t come back to BlogHer! I was really hoping to meet you. Also about your son (really, I promise my priorities are not this screwed up).

    So send me some business cards, will ya? This appeals to the creative nerd in me. Send them to:

    Lexington Herald-Leader
    c/o Heather Chapman
    100 Midland Ave.
    Lexington, Ky. 40508

  3. So the prize for the contest is one of your business cards? I’ll have to check the price Aunt Becky business cards are going for on ebay before I enter…whoops – I mean – I’ll put on my thinking cap and try to come up with something clever.
    The Blogher awards looks like it will make a mediocre coaster – I wouldn’t put a cup of hot coffee on it in a house with 3 kids. Actually, I wouldn’t put a cup of hot coffee DOWN in a house with 3 kids. Anyway – congratulations! I’m off to read your co-winner’s blog. What’s the category again?

  4. P.S. – You wuz robbed! I don’t think Cake Wrecks is funny at all, although perhaps it would win first place in the Most Mildly Amusing Blog contest.
    I’d demand a freakin’ recount if I wuz you!

  5. Sounds like fun! Send me some & I’ll try to come up with something hoot-worthy.

  6. I would say send me one, but the truth is I will lose it or…. well lose it. Sorry about the little guys eye, glad he is getting better.
    I am feeling less and less bad about missing blogher. With my gimpy knee I would have surely been swag trampled.

  7. Use the cards as bookmarks in library cards and just leave them in there when you return the book. πŸ™‚

    Draw pictures on the back of the cards, but do matching ones and then you will have your own game for your little boy.

    You could build one of those card house creations with them and then take a picture and show it to all your readers.

    Or you can save them, carry them in your purse/bag/whatever and pass them out to random folks when they ask you what you do. “Here is my card, I am the author of Mommy Wants Vodka” and say it with authority.

  8. Pingback: How BlogHer Broke My Kid*
  9. Drop those bad boys into every store front fishbowl asking for them and win yourself a couple manicures and lunches. The only thing I ever won was an egg Mcmuffin, but I still dream…PLEASE post about Blogher!!

  10. Ha! I still have quite a few, though I totally passed your cards out and people were like – Oh, you are so funny Becky – and I was like -I’m not Becky- and they were like -um, okay…- and I was like -I am the president of the fan club but I wanted to be assistant director of marketing but I was fired- and then I told them you were dead sex-ay. And smart. And funny.
    True story, Mel can confirm.
    I went through the sway I brought home last night and yes, I just grabbed it because it was there. I did get a coupon for a free half gallon of orange juice though. I like coupons.
    And I left you a message about the one thing you might want me to mail you. The go girl thing where you can pee standing up. Scary.

  11. That does not look fun for your baby boy! I friggin hate doctors. I really do. I don’t think they know anything I can’t already look up on the internet.

    As for the business cards? How about a mass direct mail campaign? I can’t think of anything interesting to do with my own cards let alone someone elses. God knows I don’t get any business from them, these days.

    Thanks for stopping by and I hope to see around again. Maybe when I have something more interesting to write about than a weekend of shopping for vacation.

  12. Poor sweetie. I hope he’s feeling much better.

    Send me that card, baby! I’m with Jenn – I’ll do a “Flat Becky” retrospective.

  13. Your husband and my husband have the same birthday. That must mean something, right?

    Glad Alex’s eye is getting better. Sorry your pedi was being so damn selfish with the antibiotics. Sheesh.

  14. Man, that Lola is one creative bitch! I hear she’s really hot, too πŸ˜‰

    Glad the eye is better!! BlogHer broke my dog’s ass…

  15. send me some and i’ll think of something to do with them. (other than wallpaper border because I wouldn’t even do that for you. i.hates.wallpaper.)

  16. You SO did not just dare us to come up with unique and yet interesting ways to use those cards did you.

    Okay folks, no more putting options in the comments because I already had the flat stanley one and totally got gutted by the first comment. (Crap).

    So anyway, two things:
    1) Coupons – you NEVER, ever throw away the coupons! (LOL)
    2) I’m glad that the shiner is going down for Alex.

    So, send me some cards – I’ve already got ideas swirling around my short-term memory challenged head (oops – I guess that means before I forget them I should write them down).

  17. I hope Alex is feeling better! I think Liam had that once but we thought it was bug bite and eventually it went away…. hmmmm bad parenting on my part maybe?

    Send me some cards too and you can make it international!!

  18. Now, come on, you know Alex snuck out and got into a barfight while you were in Chicago. Glad to hear the antibiotics are kicking in and he’s feeling better. Poor little guy. Give him smooches for me, please.

    And the business card thing? Send them my way – I’ve got a few ideas. *insert evil genius laugh here*

  19. I would like a big giant stack, I’ll start passing them out when customer’s that I’ve pissed off at work want my boss’ number. You’d tell them where to go, right? Not contradict everything I told them? Yay!

  20. Ok, Send me one and I will find something that I at least may find humorous, not sure if you will. πŸ˜‰ Poor little Alex, if you don’t start taking better care of that boy I will be forced to come rescue him from FIBland. πŸ˜‰ You and Dave are my favorite FIBs just so you know. I will email you my address.

  21. New to your blog!

    Hope Alex is doing a lot better – like it’s your problem or concern that the doctor got called about a swollen hand.

    Hmmm… could put the cards in the goodie bag we get at the golf tournament (better than the useless stuff they have in there now)

    Tape some together for a cat toy? Ours chews on hubby’s business cards all the time if she finds one around.

    Or like whoever made that dress out of dollar bills – could make some clothing item. Walking advertisement.
    I’m out of ideas.

  22. Tell Alex he’s the ultimate trooper!

    Find all the restaurants that have the fishbowl thingy that they draw a “winner” πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜‰ out of for a free lunch.

    Lunch Lottery if you will

  23. I would totally tell you to send me some…But the only thing that would happen is I would put them down for a second…and then my kid would grab them….color pictures of peoples butt’s on them….and then shove them up her nose. In other news….take me with you next year?!

  24. I’m with Jen – start stuffing the fishbowls. I would’t put one in – I’d put 50 in, so you could up your chances of winning more stuff!

  25. That is a boy with the sweetest face ever, swollen eye or not!

    Regarding your business cards, I pray you’ve not heard of tribute videos.

    (I also can’t believe I combined these two topics in one comment, and that if you are aware of them, you forgive me, for that kid? That kid of yours is a sweetie face!)

  26. Poor Alex!! I hope he’s feeling better soon. I have a picture like that of my little one. Wasn’t cellulitis, but a severe allergic reaction to something. Had to go to ER and get lots of steroids. It was all over his body, but his poor face, one side of his lips was swollen and the opposite eyes was swollen, so he kind of looked like Quasimodo.

    Oh God, count me in on the business cards. I wants me some swag.

  27. Poor Alex.
    And I agree about John Mayer, total douche but yes the man can play.

    And please send me some cards, I’d love to hand them out and take pictures!

  28. BECKY! Looks like you’ve got a ton of people playing, but I want to play, too. πŸ™‚ If I don’t hear from you, I’ll try to remember to shoot you an email.

    Also, take it from someone who knows: business cards just become Something To Write Stuff On.

  29. Aww poor Alex! Give his puffy eye a kiss from me and I hope he’s feeling better soon!

    Count me in for the business cards, if you have any left! I’ve got THE perfect idea!

    Sorry you didn’t have much fun at BlogHer…your next meet up with bloggers will be a BLAST! Promise!
    *HUGS*

  30. Place one in the return envelope for every piece of craptastic junk mail that you receive and mail them back. The junk mail asshats have to pay the shipipng and who knows, the minions in the mail room might like your blog.

  31. I just thought of an idea for you! I think you should make Alex a sweet eye patch, pirate style, out of a business card….

  32. Hi! I mail out mom packs to all of my customers with their orders. I send out about 5 to 10 packages every few days. Anyway, if you want, you can mail me some cards and I can put them in my Mom Packs. You can go to this website to see what the Mom Packs are http://www.mompack.com.

  33. Can I forfeit the BlogHer swag if I win?? That’s the only way I’m playing!

    I’m sure I can find something disgusting … ummm … errr … CREATIVE to do with a few of those Aunt Beck cards!

  34. Poor little guy, hope he feels better soon! I wish I had time to play with your business cards, but I can’t wait to see what your crazy readers come up with.

    P.S. Thanks for all the love over on my blog. Don’t know what it is about knowing you’re in someone’s thoughts, even if it’s only for a second, but it helps.

  35. MISSED reading your blog while on vacation. I mean cause really, I was thinking about blog reading while on the beach with my fruity beverage, right? Glad to hear that your little Rocky Balboa is on the mend, sucks you had to leave Blogher, good you got free shit and even gooder that you wanna give it away. Send me a card, a wanna be one of the cool kids.

  36. Your poor little boy! And don’t worry, there’s no way I’m thinking you’re some kind of hypochondriac. I’ve taken kids to the ER for: wheezing (pulse ox 86, the worst couple of days of my life), middle of the night ear infection (I can never watch CSI Miami again, after being subjected to an entire episode in that waiting room), and a fall from the changing table (explaining over and over again how my 5-month-old had broken her leg; thank God for gentle, understanding staffs). I hope he’s feeling better. That has to be really scary.

    I’d love a card or two. I’n not very creative and may just end up entering you into a gas station drawing, but as long as I have your card, I can pretend to unsuspecting people that I am really that funny–or at least that we’re dear friends!

  37. I really like your blog. You sound like me, only with kids. *lol*

    ~~All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.~~

  38. You rock so hard I’m laughing and crying at the same time. Freaking awesome contest! I can’t wait I can’t wait I can’t wait I can’t wait. I love that it involves creativity and thought. I’m already a-buzz with ideas. Thanks in advance for the insomnia that will be brought on when I sit bolt upright at three in the morning and scream, “I know how to win!” Have I mentioned how much I love you? Really, this fangirl stuff is out of control.

  39. dude – i want some cards. or one.
    preferably before aug-20th…so i can do something nursing-school-ish with it!!!

    sorry to hear your little guy is sick ~ but now he is even ~ for the OCD in you, cellulitis once on each side. (isnt that sick that thats the silver-lining i found? forgive me, i am under the influence of etoh. some yummy and cheap sangria with the nursing chicks after the final today…and am starting a new bottle here on my own…its been a shit few days)

    anyway ~ send me a snazzy card.
    love you!

  40. Now my curiosity and creativity are peaked! Please send me some of the cards… I can follow up with my address if I don’t receive an email.

    And give a high five to your little trooper! I’m in med school training to be a pediatrician (hopefully!) so it hurts me a little to see the little guy’s pictures…. I hope that he (and you too!) are feeling better soon.

  41. Ummm….wallpaper your bathroom? Hand them out to paramedics and ER personnel?

    Let’s vow to not spend any more time in the ER. EVER.

    Healing thoughts to Alex.

  42. Me! If I can get them by Thursday I will take them on our possibly ill fated road trip to….well, Chicago. Ok, Joliet. It just sounds better to say Chicago.

  43. Ooh, Ooh, send me some – I have an idea…or gas…but I think it’s an idea!!

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K (who hopes Alex’s recovery is swift and permanent)

  44. Just found your blog and I love it. I love that you swear, I love that you make the babies swear in the captions to their pictures (effing cute kids, holy crap!), and I will seriously be your BFF if you tell me how you made that rice krispy cuppy cake thing. Please tell me you made that. Please tell me that it is also not very hard because honestly I just want to eat it, not get all Martha Stewart and buy shit at BB&B for it. But I REALLY want to eat it. Also my dear fiancée just had that exact same “you need a hobby” talk with me the other day. It was uncanny, reading it in one of your own posts. I also hit him with a lamp. Amazing. Definitely following you now. Look out!

  45. My little man spent a Halloween, dressed as Spiderman, in the hospital with cellulitis. It is Scary and looks even SCARIER. hope all is well with Alex.

  46. Hey, MY birthday is Sept 8… I guess thats the universe telling me I need some of your cards….

  47. Go to every restaurant you can find and drop them in the “win a free lunch”. Or just go to one and drop them all in there.

  48. Yay, Alex! Glad he’s getting better. There is no substitute for a good antibiotic, though I often wish there were. What kinds of things are in this “swag” that they gave away? They must be good because of everyone wanting them, I guess. The most interesting thing (yawn) I’ve found to do with business cards is to use them for bookmarks.

  49. Poor Alex! I hope that gets cleared up soon. As for the business cards, you could leave them in random ass places like public bathrooms or the windshields of people’s cars. Then you’d probably get a whole bunch of new comments like, “Um, so I was taking a dump the other day and I looked up and saw your card….so here I am.” because that wouldn’t be weird at all.

    Haha. Sorry that just popped into my head because I used to work for one of those home businesses and one of their recommendations to grow your business was to hand out cards. But under the rec. they had to tell people NOT to leave their cards in random places like public bathrooms because that was tacky. I mean, they had to TELL people that, like people were already doing this and they needed to stop.

  50. I e-mailed you my address.

    My company always orders us too many business cards. We use them for fish bowl free lunches. Also when we go out, we hit on random men and give out each others cards.
    On Saturday night I was tipsy and gave my personal card to some drag queens offering them dance lessons. Clearly that is the quality of my choreography skills.

  51. Use your unwanted business cards as gift tags- when you wrap a gift, instead of buying/ making a tag to say who it is from, you can attach one of your business cards! It’s quirky and also practical… though you might have to do an awful lot of gifting to use them all up.

    Or, make a giant house of cards out of them like this http://www.huffingtonpost.com/theblog/archive/house%20of%20cards.jpg
    and enter it in the Guinness Book of Records.

  52. First of all, John Mayer IS a douche, a douche that happens to look a lot like my boyfriend. My boyfriend, however, thankfully is not a douche.

    Second, I just learned what a code brown was the other day. Woah, was I glad I am not in the medical field.

    Third, I am so sorry about little Mr Alex and his eye. That looks very uncomfortable. I hope the drugs take care of it pronto.

    Fourth, I LOVE the idea about the business cards. Send them to me quickly and I will take them on a journey with me to NYC! Think of the trouble they could cause in the Big Apple!!

    I loves you Becs. I’m glad you’re saftely home.

  53. I’m finally catching up on the 150 some odd unread posts in my reader. I’m sorry to hear about Alex’s eye and also sorry I didn’t have the chance to meet up with you. How about you save the cards for BlogHer in New York next year???

    I do NOT want to win any of your swag as I have a pile of my own sitting on my dining room table; however if you send me a few cards I’ll come up with something.

  54. okay, so I wrote a really long comment yesterday and then it didn’t post and I was kicked out of your site…
    Anyways, I want cards! I’ll email you my address…

  55. Just found your blog through the cakewrecks blog, without which my days would be bleak. Made it as far as this post, and it was like synergy. A) John Mayer is a douche and yet I can’t get over his smexy music. I’ve given serious thought to how someone can be that big of a/n (dumb) ass & still create the most compelling sounds. I think it may be some kind of channeling, but as yet the question is unresolved. B) your husband shares a bday with my daughter. Inconsequential .. Probably, but weLre talking synergy here. C) I, too, have dealt with cellulitis in my son. Ours was in a much different region than the eye (one I cannot post a pic of without getting arrested). It amazes me how, tho I don’t have any of the same equipment, my husband comes running to me for answers when faced with the sight of his 8 year old’s parts swollen to sizes intimidating to a grown man.

    So I’d be happy to do something bizarre or creative with you card(s). Something that doesn’t involve ER trips. In the meantime will bookmark your blog for future synergistic purposes & because it’s helped me to survive today’s trip to the Children’s Museum.

  56. you have a ridiculous number of responses on this one, but if you still have cards, send one to:

    V.Stimac
    996 Timber Creek Ln
    Greenwood, IN 46142

  57. Ah, yes, the vitally important business cards! Part of me thinks that it almost vital that I order some. Part of me then reminds me that I’ve already got two boxes of business cards from various sites that I write for, which are useless because none of the information on them is correct since I moved. Which is also irrelevant because I’ve never done anything with them besides stick them in my purse to get wrinkled and dirty, at which time I throw them away and replace them with new cards.

    But I want your card! I promise I will try to do something more productive than carry them around in my purse getting wrinkled and dirty….

    thebeerlady AT gmail DOT com

  58. I hope I’m not too late because I’ve got some good ideas. I’ll send you a direct message on FB later tonight with my details.

  59. Any reason why you can’t save the cards for next year? Since you don’t have to travel to far, you might be going again, right?

    Perhaps you can interest Ben in some business card origami.

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