I was born jaundice – some kind of issue with blood incompatibility and got to hang out under those wicked baby sun-tan lights for awhile (I hope my mother was sensible enough to give me some wee baby Ray Bans) before I got to go home and annoy the shit out of my family with my lilting wails.
At my six-week well-baby checkup, I had an ear infection.
It’s been like that ever since. Excepting the Ray Bans – never owned a pair. And I stopped crying and started yelling – it’s more effective.
Wailing non-withstanding, I’m the Sick One around these here parts. I don’t remember a time when there wasn’t something wrong with me*. I was plagued by ear infections as a tot. When I grew out of those, it became strep throat – which I had at least once every three weeks until I turned 14 and got my tonsils out (this was back in the day when they didn’t put in ear tubes or lop out tonsils very often). By the time those puppies came out, they were necrotic – er….dead. Like for reals.
You’d think that by lopping off my dead tonsils, I’d somehow get an immune system – I mean, why else would you go through that particular type of agony?
I try not to talk about my shitballs immune system very often, because the conversation invariably goes like this:
Anyone Else: “How are you?”
Aunt Becky: “UGH. I’m sick.”
Anyone Else: “AGAIN?”
Aunt Becky: “No, I mean I’m STILL sick from the last time I told you I was sick.”
Anyone Else: “Wait – that was like 6 months ago.”
Aunt Becky: “Yup.”
Anyone Else: “How are you?”
Aunt Becky: “Sick.”
Anyone Else: “You should try standing on your head 18 hours a day – my friend’s friend’s barber’s wife did that and she’s feeling better than ever.”
I get a couple of days a month that I’m in decent shape, but most of the time, my walking, talking, breathing, pissing, moaning petri dishes of children bring me home whatever lovely virus is currently circulating around. I invariably catch it and am laid up for longer than anyone should be.
And you know what, Pranksters? It’s damn depressing. I *loathe* being sick. I’d gnaw off my ear if it meant that I’d grow an immune system.
Rather than sitting around moaning about it – it sucks, we all know it – I’m trying something new.
I took my happy crappy ass to the local health food store and picked up some motherfucking herbs and homeopathic shit. I figure, modern medicine isn’t doing a whole lot for me, I may as well try something else.
I’ve been drinking gallons of tea that tastes remarkably like garden clippings, downing all sorts of vitamins and supplements that make my pee electric yelor low, and trying to spend some time away from the computer. I’m one small toke away from bathing in Patchouli Oil while listening to my Grateful Dead LP’s.
So far? I’ve gotten a chest cold. And my pee is hilariously colored.
But I’m willing to try anything**.
So, Pranksters, give me your tips and tricks. Tell me all about the weird shit you do to keep healthy.
Should I bathe in the blood of vestal virgins (assuming I know what “vestal” means, because I don’t)? Should I sacrifice some goats? Find a voodoo priestess to take this curse from me? Sleep with a raw egg under my bed? Perform some weird black magic to get this evil eye off my fucking back?
*BESIDES my sanity, naturally. That’s been gone for years.
**I will not renege on my New Years Resolution to “not become Lil Wayne” even if it means I’ll be healthier. Probably.