Stop me if you’ve heard this one, Pranksters, but did you have any idea that raising children was a lot of work? Because holy fuckballs, is it ever! If I’d have known that, I might have stuck with hamsters. Actually, no, because the last hamster I had (and I am not kidding here) actually threw his own excrement at you if you walked near his cage.

So depending on who you asked, I was either the BEST hamster owner or the worst. Because, OBVIOUSLY.

The way I see it, when you pop out a couple of crotch parasites, it seems that one of the adults in the family–should you be lucky enough to have more than one parent–has to put their own life on the back burner to attend to said crotch parasites.

Well, in our family, I was the one who put my own life on the back burner, because, let’s face it Pranksters, I wasn’t exactly batting 100% with stellar life choices and The Daver’s star was on the fucking rise. So the decision to shelve my nursing career was pretty much a no-brainier for everyone involved and it was frankly kind of a relief because then I didn’t have to pretend that I was going to squeeze a turd into a tutu anymore.

Since I’ve been home, I’ve done everything I said I was going to do, besides date a cabana boy named Carlos (mostly because I have no cabana), and I’ve been waiting for it to be my time. It’s all been a matter of “when I can do what I want to do again” spoken in terms of years from now, not days or even weeks from now. Long term goals are great, but mine have always been “don’t die,” not “go back to school in 5 years” or even worse, “keep waiting for your own life to begin.”

Because my life as Mommy (or “Becky” as Alex calls me right before he scampers off so that I chase him around the house with my Tickle Claw out) is all of those crocheted platitudes and more, but it’s not all that I am. It can’t be. Mommy and Aunt Becky will exist together because they have to.

I don’t think I was ready before, but I do now. Change is in the air and it is throwing poop at my head. Universe, let’s do this.

I’m ready to find out what comes next. I’m playing “Eye of the Tiger” and punching the air. I’m doing visualization exercises and drinking green tea. diet coke. I’m ready, Universe.

I just hope it doesn’t involve poo-throwing hamsters.

—————–

How do you find balance, Pranksters? Better yet, how do you train a hamster to throw poo at someone RELIABLY?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

84 Responses to Here’s Hoping My Rising Star Isn’t Just The Lights Of A Low Flying Airplane

  • J.R. Reed says:

    God bless you for using the phrase “crotch parasites”. At least the parasites don’t throw their poop at you as you pass their room…

  • Amy Mayfield says:

    I had two goldfish commit suicide by frying themselves to death. They somehow jumped through the little jole in the plastic and adhered their little bodies to the lighbulb in the aquarium.

    I don’t know what it says about me that goldfish would rather have their very own fish fry than live with me.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I officially love you and want to be your best friend. That may be the best thing I’ve ever heard.

    • Coco says:

      It’s not just you, Amy. My fish regularly commit suicide. I think my longest lasting victim is about 8 months, and then only because my husband found him flopping on the floor and tossed him back into the water a couple times before his self-termination could actually take place. I am Darla from Finding Nemo over here.

  • You got a hampster to throw poo? There is nothing I can teach you – the world is your oyster.

  • SOCCERMOM says:

    I’m balanced cause its all about ME!

    No, really I just remind myself that life is too short. So GO HARD or GO HOME.

    : )

  • Shin Ae says:

    I think the Universe’s grand joke is this: YOU are the poo-throwing hamster. You keep throwing the poo and one day, it’s going to stick somewhere. Just keep it fresh, girl.

    Maybe this is the same thing Wicked Shawn said, but with more poo. Maybe.

    • Shin Ae says:

      P.S. I didn’t answer your question. I found balance (I think?) by laying back and falling into motherhood, realizing these days won’t last forever. I won’t be needed in this same way forever. I feel a lot more joyful about it and somehow still have time to do things I like. My family’s good about helping me with that, also.

      • Shin Ae says:

        Oh, right. Not that what you’re putting out there is POO, because, as you would say, OBVIOUSLY. You are fantastic. It was the image of the hamster…completely irresistible to me. Okay. Just to be clear. Also? I need to stop replying to myself on your blog. Is it obvious I didn’t talk to a grown-up all day?

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    I think a hamster that throws poop is a hell of a lot better than a dog who is so dumb she can’t be housebroken. We quickly dubbed her Taffy Turdpile.

    Can I hitch a ride of your rising star? I promise to beat down anything that tries to stop it.

  • Wicked Shawn says:

    This is like asking “How do you find love?” The answer, of course, is, who in the hell knows. It’s different for everyone. For me, it was to stop forcing it. I just had to stop trying so hard and let it happen. I don’t mean like toss my hands in the air and backpack around Europe for 3 years, although, damn wouldn’t that be the shiznet, but just, realize that it will happen as long as I keep up my end of the bargain. You will get there too, just keep up your end of the bargain, keep being the mom, wife and writer with aspirations, it will happen, trust me, the poop will fly regularly, without a doubt.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      And yesterday, that’s what I realized. I feel fantastic. Thank you for reaffirming what I realized. Seriously, it’s wonderful to realize that for one fucking moment, I don’t HAVE to be in charge. It’s fucking grand.

  • Stephanie says:

    Who the hell knows! I just try to be thankful for the little moments I would otherwise miss and remind myself that their goofy dirty faces is what makes it all worthwhile. Most of the time it helps. When it doesn’t, well that’s what wine/vodka is for.

  • mrs ellenoy says:

    I found myself much in your position when mine were 5 and 3…I was going insane thinking about the fact that I had never really gotten to use my degree (I worked in a winery for 2 years after graduation – go, BA in English!) and would not for the foreseeable future. So I got a part-time job at a special-collections library at the university, put the wee one into day care in the mornings, and thought about what I wanted to do.

    I decided to do the following:
    1. Divorce my husband
    2. Work full-time at the library
    3. Go back to get my PhD.

    I wouldn’t recommend number 1 for YOU, obviously, but I can say that the girls are teenagers now and are doing very well. No scarring, no psychological issues.

    So you might test the waters in regards to working part-time, or taking classes towards what you really want to do.

  • pattypunker says:

    you’re gonna come out big, yo.

    btw – carlos is ready for you with a frosty rum runner and plushy towels when your cruise stops by his little island. he can also “get your back” with sunscreen. say yeah!

  • habanerogal says:

    I went through the extreme version that involved ditching the baby daddy (who wants an extra whining mouth to feed right?) started a home based sewing business and then run away to another city 4 years later so the parasites could go to school in the Big city. Work for a temp agency for 8 years (why get married to a job when you can date it instead).

  • Mrs Soup says:

    <3 You rock. That's all I got. But find that you time. You know what I'm talking about. Git outta the house.

  • Alice Brody says:

    Balance??? Ugh….I don’t think that is truly possible. That would be like expecting your life to be perfect and I don’t know about you but I think perfection is fucking overrated. I like things being slightly askew. As long as my kids always know that I fucking ADORE their little asses then I’m OK. That is not to say they don’t tell me on a daily basis what a horrible mean Mommy I am for not letting them do shit like bring sticks into the bath with them or willingly allow them to drop kick each other off of the deck for fun…..they SAY they dislike me but we all know the truth.
    Anyway, balance is for the people who live in those fancy houses made of granite counters and whirlpool tubs. Those people are nice but that just ain’t me, brutha;).
    I’mma get a job, it’s gonna suck for a while, people (mainly my kids) are gonna be pissed, it’ll all blow over, it’ll all get better……and then we’ll all be in love with each other again.

  • I love that Alex calls you Becky. Zeph writes “S-a-r-a” and says “Look! It says Mommy!!”

    “Don’t die” is the number one item on the top of my to do list everyday. Followed directly by “Don’t kill anyone”. Anything accomplished after that is merely icing on the proverbial cake.

    One day, those will get bumped down to items 4 or 5, but I’m also on hold with life, so who knows when that will happen.

    As for training poo-chucking hamsters, I’ve got ‘nuthin. I hate rodents of any variety.

  • Paige says:

    At the beginning of my time as Mommy, I had tons of help. As time went by, I still had help, but much less and my husband was the one who took up most of the slack. I was in a career I loved and was very centered on that. But then I lost everything at once. My marriage ended, I left my job soon after, and then I became the go to parent.

    I’m still getting all the pieces together now, but I’ve found that there’s always one place that matters most. Before, it was work for me. Now it’s home. I love my job, but my family always comes first.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      It’s hard and I’m sorry. I’ve had to rebuild over and over again (hence the Phoenix tattoo) and now that I’m actually able to devote this time to thinking about myself I genuinely do not know what I want. I mean, I do, but it’s not as easy as WHAM BAM POW. You know how that goes, I’m sure.

      • Paige says:

        Oh I’m not sorry at all. I’m one stubborn chicklet. I had to be knocked down before I could get shit in order. But we’re good now. LOL

        • Your Aunt Becky
          Twitter: mommywantsvodka
          says:

          No, I don’t think I’m sorry for the way things ended up with me, either. People always wanted to apologize to me and I was always like, “I’m not sorry, you don’t need to be sorry either.”

  • Tara says:

    Love your use of “crotch parasites”! I was the lucky one in my house that had to both take care of the kids and further my career going to school and all, being as my crotch parasites only had sperm donors, not fathers (and I don’t mean that in the awesome artificially inseminated way…) I feel like I burnt out in my late 20’s and now at 31 I’m wanting something more. Will I go back to school and decide what I want to be when I grow up? Yeah probably at some point, I’m just not there yet…. Everyone figures it out eventually though. Good for you for having that clarifying moment!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I have a sperm donor, too, and I suffered through both school and supporting the two of us in my early twenties. Now that I’m approaching 30 and actually able to think about me for the first time, well, ever, I’m wondering what the hell comes next. Which is both awesome and terrifying at the same time.

  • Ali says:

    Shit, I don’t know…I was just going to wait for you to figure it out and then I was going to ask YOU!

  • Minnie says:

    I’m demanding a picture of you jogging up a flight of stairs with a sweatband on and your fist in the air. Converse would help. Thank you.

  • Ali R says:

    So funny that Alex calls you Becky, we used to call my dad by his first name and finally he and my mom had to tell us to call him dad so people would know he is our dad and not some stranger we are hanging out with haha.

    I don’t have kids yet so I was interested in reading the replies you got. Knowing the type of person I am I don’t think I can be a full time stay at home mom, I think the person who said to get a part time job you enjoy may be on to something. Sometimes you do have to be selfish and put yourself first or the world will eat you up and spit you out and throw you like the hamster throwing poo. You need balance and I think your husband and your kids will get used to that if you just give it time. Good luck!

    Love your site by the way, I quote you all the time and my friends are like “who are you” haha I love it though, you make me laugh so hard!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Bwahahaha! I’m flattered that you quote me! I’m actually blushing, which isn’t an easy feat.

      I’d actually go back to work if I had the type of career that I enjoyed. It’s frustrating that I’ve not found it, because I feel like I need something more. I love my family, but I love me, too.

      • Ali R says:

        Trust me sister I know what you mean…I’m 32 and still don’t have a job that I just “love” I wish I did and one day I hope to. I am pretty sure that jobs that require traveling, eating and drinking wine are few and far between *sigh* here’s to hoping one day my dream can come true though!

  • Yankee says:

    I have nothing for the poo-throwing hamster. I do have fish and cats. The fish don’t last long with cats. I have murderous cats. It’s inventive how they have killed the fishies.

    For balance? You just find your own, as it’s been stated. Myself, I find my balance when I’ve passed right the fuck out in the shower from wearing myself so thin for weeks on end of not eating right, not sleeping enough, and stress. Pass out, take a day off, and then start all over. Except, fuck, that probably is not the kind of balance you are looking for, huh? Yeah, and maybe it’s not working so well for me either….Let me know what you figure out, spread the knowledge to us other unbalanced moms.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      “Mom” is synonymous with “unbalanced” isn’t it? I think we need to all take more time for ourselves. Otherwise, what else can we possibly give to anyone else?

  • Aunt Becky, I JUST wrote about the same thing! I don’t know how I find balance, like the yoga-zen variety. I just am basically giving up sleep,and squeezing me in there. I find that if I don’t, I basically break down on tears and get super emotional (usually on Sunday, go figure)! So I basically am saying FUKC IT! I am not going to feel guilty anymore. . . .like a wise woman once said (and I am paraphrasing) why am I made to feel guilty for writing or checking my facebook if I am taking care of my kids all day. That same wise woman has totally inspired me to bring me back! So thanks a bunch!

  • Kelly says:

    “Change is in the air and it’s throwing poop at my head…” Aunt Becky, that is pretty eye opening, getting beaned in the head with the poops. Time to get some things going…

    Just while we are on the subject of poop….lately after Mea goes poop, she’ll get off the toilet, and lean waaaayyyy over, and ask, “Mommy is there poop hanging off my butt?” I think its so funny, and because I laugh she is doing it each time she goes potty now….she’ll probably do it until she’s 10.

  • Amanda says:

    I taught my hamster to put himself away…he would just crawl right back into his cage. Too bad the bastard couldn’t learn to shut the door, because my sister apparently taught her cat to eat hamster head. RIP Sugar

  • a says:

    You get organized – you figure out what you want to do, and then you rearrange your schedule so you have time for it. Daycare, babysitters, unwitting friends, teaching Alex to take dictation and Mimi to fetch coffee (or Diet Coke) – whatever it takes. You gotta chase after some things, while others just come along.

  • Mae says:

    Your endless analogies to forward progress being made are so much freaking better than mine and I’m somehow happier knowing that.

    I’m thinking those little mini blowtorches, the kind they use to fry the top of your creme brulee need to be involved in the hampster training. Also we may need to kidnap Justin Bieber, because I believe he is actually the Hampster King. And because he’s on my mind today…

  • MommyLisa says:

    You COULD be like my friend A and her hubby S. HE was the stay-at-home-daddy and just when he was thinking he would get back into things…she got knocked up! Now the kids are 6, 4 and 1…I think he is about to lose his mind though.

    just sayin’

    ;)

  • Jennifer says:

    My youngest is a little over 4 now and I’m just starting to reclaim my life. I started back to school 3 weeks ago… and I love it. I need to find a job too because we’re supposed to eat, I guess, while I pursue my dream. *Sigh* But I’m not giving up the dream this time.

  • Misty says:

    After reading this, I no longer feel guilty for daydreaming for the days of full time school schedules for the little ones. If I had a gold star, I’d give it you.

  • ColinP says:

    This is a story my mother told me several years ago:

    She was going horseback riding in Central Park NYC with a few friends. I need to mention that my mother had never ridden a horse in her life prior to this incident, off they prance for a lovely day in the park. Only my mothers horse wasn’t having it and came to a dead stop a couple of miles into the ride. My mother nudged the horse who in turn turn its head and bit her leg. She nudged him again and the horse bit her again. Finally my mother gets off the horse cursing, screaming and waving her arms trying to get the damn thing to move.
    After about 20 minutes of trying she finds a payphone and tells the stable where she left the horse and to come and get the goddamn thing. Then she promptly made her way to the subway and went home.

  • Rebecca says:

    Balance? What’s that? I often feel like my live has been turned upside down and is spilling out every which way.

  • jen says:

    I stay home with my kids but I work at Target in the evenings for well lets say freedom! haha I love the people I work with and will have to figure out what I want to do when my kids are all in school. So, even though I still could use my degree (Recreational Therapy… I have a degree in “why its good to play”) when my youngest is in school, am not sure what I want to do with my life. Plus kids are damn expensive. I gotta get decent paying job! So, all will work itself out… why… because I said so!

  • Megan says:

    Holy shit…I just wrote about my VERY non-balancing skills today and now I’m reading this. Kinda freaks me out a little.

    Since I became a mommy…I can not for the life of me figure out the balance of the three…wife, mommy, and ME!

    When I start feeling like I’m losing me…I FREAK out.

    I honestly don’t know what to do aside from see a freakin therapist.

    Megan

    http://reddirtandcrazy.blogspot.com/2010/04/why-cant-i-be-like-that.html

  • Wombat Central
    Twitter: wombatcentral
    says:

    Good for you! I think all SAHM’s must struggle with this. I know I’ve finally started doing some stuff for me.

    I’d like to see an animated version (like Rhino from Bolt) of your poo-throwing hamster hurling poo and insults like a fast ball in the big leagues.

  • Ah! I was (am) a registered nurse, too- and nothing sounds more unreasonable or unappealing than a 12 hour night shift at a stinky hospital. What am I supposed to do for work / personal cultivation when my only experiences are in private practice and working with underprivileged teens? Plus, I have been unbalanced from the time of conception. Who wants to hire some crazy mom? Forgive me- I know, I should save that one for therapy. The universe hears you, Aunt Becky. Your time will come. And if you are answered before I am, please share the love.

  • Manda says:

    I occasionally get a babysitter and go out and do things like perform a burlesque show or do a sexy photo shoot with a nationally recognized photographer.

    No, seriously. I have like a stage name and everything.

    Other than that…well…all I can ever remember really wanting to be is a mommy. I know that is totally anti-feminist, and you wouldn’t think it to look at me, but it’s true. It’s only been 3 months, so maybe I’ll feel differently eventually, but rather than losing myself I feel like I’ve found myself.

    (You may commence gagging, now.)

  • Paula says:

    I had a hamster once who masturbated constantly. I probably should have bought him a female companion, but didn’t want to deal with multitudes of hairless hamster babies.

  • I am so right there with you! In fact, unbeknowst to my husband, (although I do believe he might have at least one foot on the clue bus) this year is all about ME! Me, me, mE, MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

    It all started in January when my hubbie and I were in the middle of a “discussion”. I had overracted, gotten incredibly mad at him, ranted, raved, and then cried hysterically. It was then that I realized that this fight, was simply because I was not happy being just a wife and a mom, and I need ME back. After my display commenced, my hubbie wanted to air his grievances, and I simply didn’t want to hear them. So I said, as kindly as possible, “No thanks, really, this is all about me.”

    The next day I started a blog.

    It is about figuring out who the fuck I am (reading your blog makes me feel like cursing…which used to be my favorite past time – thanks for that!) since I entered into this whirlwind of motherhood.

  • Betty M says:

    The trouble with balance is that something always gives. At the moment in this house it is cleanliness.

  • Betty M says:

    The trouble with balance is that something always gives. At the moment in this house it is cleanliness.

  • Melissa says:

    You are already doing it. The writing, its going to happen. And when Mimi starts school, the world is your oyster. I know its going to happen, because you are a supah star!

  • Becca says:

    I find my balance through my volunteer work with my dog group. Otherwise, between the offenders and my own kiddos it seriously would be 24 hours of straight parenting. Both at work and at home, ugh!!

  • mumma boo says:

    Balance is all about stealing “me” moments whenever they present themselves. Here’s to you stealing as many “me” moments as possible, duder. That change you feel is coming? Publishers. I know it.

  • Sandy says:

    Last night I had a dream that I was watching Oscar play with his toys. It was very soothing. I woke up and went to work in a happy mood, ready to tackle a huge project. I got sidetracked by some very annoying busy work and by some stupid students, then spilled diet Coke all over my computer. Then I went into a rage at the grocery store because I couldn’t separate two shopping carts. So I came home and cooked and ate a frozen pizza and watched Oscar playing with his toys.

    What, what was the question again?

  • Kori says:

    I had hamsters once upon a time; one of them looked at me one day when I was cleaning out their cage and flung itself off of the table and killed itself. I never had another one.

  • Yes, raising crotch parasites (love it) is amazingly harder than I ever imagined. The stamina required. The giant sucking sound of finances, libido and travel. No wonder parents expect so much gratitude. I can say that because mine don’t read blogs.

  • Alexandra says:

    OK. It’s time I make my love for you official.

    I have grabbed one of your buttons.

  • katrina says:

    well,OBVIOUSLY……. you’re SUPPOSED to be off balance when you have small munchkins……then slowly the universe evens it back out….and you emerge and think…..who the shit was i before job, marriage, kids? ( Oh yeah, i was crazy, dumb, naive…..it’s a miracle i survived).
    YOU, aunt becky, are OBVIOUSLY a fuckin gifted writer!!! (in spite of, …or..because of ….your ‘other roles’???…doesn’t really matter, you got one heart.)

    Anyway, your post reminded me of lyrics in a song….

    “First a mother bathes her child then the other way around
    The Scales always find a way to level out”

  • Katie says:

    Hi there, I’ve been reading your blog, commented once or twice but never introduced myself. I’m Katie, pleasure to meet you :)

    I don’t have any ankle-biters, but I do know a little about getting knocked on your ass and having to start over again. And I think you have the two things that are essential to starting over: the will to do so, and a community of people who want to see you succeed. in my experience when you have those, and you can take over the world.

    You can do it!

  • Lisa says:

    You WILL get your life back. I was a stay at home mom with my two youngest daughters (13 months apart, mind you). It was crying and screaming all day long. Toys being hurled across the room. Sleep deprivation, (youngest one had colic). My nerves were shattered. Nobody tells you how hard it’s going to be. Would I have kids 13 months apart ever again? Hell no. I would rather slide down a razor blade into a pool of alcohol. My girls are 11 and 12 now. I love them to pieces, but I clearly remember that feeling of thinking I’ll never have a life again. Hang in there, baby.

  • I find my balance at the bottom of wine glass, the only real problem is I can’t be doing that all day every day while I am at work.

  • Laura says:

    If I have to take a half hour to do my thing while the girls are present, I figure it is teaching them that I have a work ethic and perservence for doing something (blogging) that I get no $$$ from.

  • Kristine says:

    I’m supposed to b balanced? Really?

    Hmmmm. Well I do work, and I get home with enough time to spend about an hour by myself everyday – and about 4 hours on Fridays. And I do – because I can.

  • Kristine says:

    Wow – I just re-read my comment and I sound kind of snotty. But I didn’t mean it like that. Damn.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

 

About Twitter Band Back Together Facebook Muschroom Printing Subscribe

blog advertising is good for you
Buy Cool Toys for Your Children at Everbuying.com at a cheap price.
Helping students solve academic writing problems through guides and manuals. TheDailyWilton.com - college newspaper devoted to essay writing.

Archives

Marchin’ for Mimi!


blog advertising is good for you