Mother’s Day despite having “mother” in the name (which I am) and “day” in the name (which, come on, it’s on a DAY–because what isn’t?) has always been sort of a sore holiday for me. I’ve moaned and pissed about how annoying it is to have to be the one in charge of making sure every other mother is happy while I am quietly forgotten about. I know, right?

Get back up on that cross, Aunt Becky. You need another nail pounded in.

The problem begins with and ends with one person, a person who I have pledged to love, honor and obey repay until The Deal Is Done. That person is, of course: The Daver, my one and only (therefore best) husband. Daver is a sweet guy, I swear he is, but he’s the least thoughtful person on the planet. He’s never, ever bought me a gift for a holiday without me loudly complaining and it always hurts my feelings.

This year for Christmas I’d elaborately bought stuff for everyone’s stocking–shopping weeks in advance for everything–and on Christmas Eve Eve (it’s a custody thang) when I huffed upstairs to grab the bags of stuff neatly sorted into brown paper bags and Sharpie’d with the recipients name, we began to fill the stockings.

The last one to be filled was mine. Which had…wait for it, wait for it….

Nothing.

A handful of candy that was leftover from the other stockings. And nothing else.

Being pregnant, hormonal, and generally feeling sorry for myself, this made me burst into tears. I cried for much longer than was really necessary, but hey, I was pregnant, hormonal and feeling sorry for myself.

(I don’t need to tell you that he’d bought me exactly nothing at all for Christmas at that point. Nor was he planning to. Until he saw that he might be murdered while he slept if he did not.)

This is the case for every holiday. It’s a cycle. You’d think I’d wise up (or he would) and just not expect him to remember or celebrate, but every holiday that passes (including the Day After Bastille Day. Also known as the Day The World Was Lovingly Gifted Aunt Becky. Also known as my birthday.) without any acknowledgement makes me upset.

Mother’s Day last year was no different. I realized while we were at the mall getting shoes for a very, very crabby Alex that this was the extent of the plans for the day: shoe shopping for a toddler. What compounded my emotions was the 2nd miscarriage in a row I was suffering through, so I promptly cried like a fucking pansy. When he tried to make it better by taking me out to lunch with my wee beasties, we had to take our meals to go after we waited an hour+ to get my salad and his chicken.

I got home and was hysterical. It was probably one of the lower points of the hormonal roller coaster (the lowest being the hospital visit to confirm miscarriage #2) and I promptly did one of the stupider things I could have done: I begged Dave to take me to go get a kitten.

He did. And instead of a kitten, we got Auggie. An adorable bundle of fluff ball. A Shiba Inu and Chihuahua mix.

The absolute worst impulse buy EVER.

auggie-1

I’m not much of a dog person, truth be told, and was pretty content with Cash, our end table of a dog. He sleeps, lumbers around to eat, then goes back to the couch and sleeps some more. It’s really my ideal life and I’m more than a little jealous.

cash-houseplant

No, no Internet, I promise you, he’s not dead. He just looks that way.

But Auggie was cute and cuddly and I was hormonal and sad and I just couldn’t bear the thought of going home without something that cute to snuggle with. A stupid fucking reason to get a dog, but whatever, we were stuck with him.

I have threatened I don’t even know how many times to take him to the shelter, put him up on Craig’s List, donate him to test products on*, let him loose on the highway, let him loose in my parents neighborhood after removing his sparkly heart name tag. I’ve screamed at him, fantasized about punting him across the room, imagined running him over with my car and tried desperately to pawn him off on everyone I know.

(no one will take him. I wonder why…)

Puppies suck. Hard. I knew it before and trust me, I know it even better now.

He turned 1 in March and he’s still alive, still here humping Cash’s face, still sprinting to Cash’s butt when he takes a dump because he likes to eat shit right off the tap (SEE!! Internet, now I don’t sound so cruel!), still ripping up tissues and eating cat turds out of the box (side note: awesome. One less job for me**) as a tasty, Cat Box Crunchy.

auggie-2

Is he eating poo? I JUST DON’T KNOW.

Only I don’t quite…hate him anymore. I almost…like him! He’s calmed down quite a bit, he no longer pisses on the carpets, and while he eats shit, I like to consider it organic of the highest degree (apparently there isn’t anything you can do about this habit besides put him in a home with no other animals). Auggie is obviously advanced, you see. Plus…

Meet his best friend:

auggie

And his other best friend:

auggie1

And anyone who loves my kids that much can’t be all bad. We have reached peace, Augs and I. I can say that I (mostly) like having him around. Honestly. And I’m not just saying that because I heard somewhere that if you repeated something over and over you’d eventually believe it.

Much.

All right my pretties, spill. I want to hear about the worst impulse buy you’ve ever made.

*You haven’t lived until you’ve cleaned up dog vomit before breakfast. That’s composed of dog shit. I tell you, awesome stuff. And yes, it did make me throw up too. Oh happy day!

**Sadly, while this sounds like an ideal situation, I cannot condone my dog cleaning the cat box with his mouth. Much.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

48 Responses to He Who Should Have Been Named Buttface

  • georgia says:

    voted. check.

  • Danielle says:

    lol @ much! My worst impulse buy was a dog, too. I was pregnant as well. My husband and my friend convinced me the dog was going to be “GREAT”. They were so very wrong. The damn thing had more energy then I’ve ever had in my LIFE! I was not so upset when we moved into a place where dogs weren’t allowed. Good bye dogie, hello life without dog! I know I’m a mean lady, but I just could NOT deal with that fur ball while I was pregnant and doing my best to not go into preterm labor. A puppy + bed rest+ a 6 year old = a crying hormonal mother/wife. You’re above me because you kept yours! Good for you!

  • a says:

    It took me a while, but I finally figured out that you were not refering to the Daver in your title.

    I impulse bought a dog for my mom once. He was really cute, and she said she wanted the f’ing thing. Then she decided that since she was still in the middle of a remodel, I should keep him until it was done. Then she decided she just didn’t want to walk the dog. So, I impulse bought the dog for myself. I kept him for a couple years, but ended up giving him away. He needed much more attention than I could give, and he spent most of his time in the crate. Sigh.

  • Lindsay says:

    Awesome post. I also got a puppy, though it was not at all impulsive but well thought out. And he’s my one true love (sorry husband!). I would be pissed if my husband was not thoughtful on holidays. I feel sad for you about it!

    My worst ever impulse buy was the couch I am currently sitting on. It is hideous and big, and I’ve had it for 5 years now. Its comfy though.

  • georgia says:

    no worries.
    i owe you a few laughs. and cries.
    every morning feed wouldn’t be the same without you.
    cheers
    from australia

  • a says:

    Also, my husband sucks at the gift giving. I would prefer that he would ignore my birthday (which is 10 days before yours, and also the day after a major holiday), but he always wants to go out to eat or something. Three years ago, I think we ended up at Steak and Shake. Which I hate. Mother’s day? What’s that? Christmas? He tells me to go to Victoria’s Secret to buy myself something – which means a.) he won’t complain about the credit card bill, but b.) it’s really just a present for him. He’s horrible. If only I had known that the first birthday gift, which he gave me before we were even dating, was a freebie from a record club membership. Oh well, what can you do?

  • sweetpeah says:

    all that comes to mind is EWWWWWWWWW!

  • Donna says:

    I have a husband who ignores holidays and birthdays as well a shit eating dog. She is a beagle and if you don’t watch her like a hawk she eats poo out of the litter box, too. Also been there done that with the shit throw up and it is the horriblest smell I have ever encountered in my life. So can definitely empathize with you, but it was kinda funny hearing someone else has been there too and oh yeah she was an impulse buy for my birthday and ended up being hubby’s dog not mine. So there you go…LOL

  • Mimi says:

    You *almost* made me piss myself, I laughed so hard. Don’t worry, you have plenty of time to accomplish this, I’m not going anywhere. And if it makes you feel any better (it won’t, I know), TH never gets me a present for my birthday / xmas / mothers day / V day. I don’t think he even knows when my birthday is.

    As for my worst impulse buy… See my post on exercise. Luckily, I’m terrified enough of the idea of having yet ANOTHER living thing’s ass to clean, so I’ve steered clear of the “pet” arena. We’ll see how long that lasts.

  • heather says:

    Ironically, I’m firmly with Holli on this one. Only it was CHICKEN rather than chicken(s). And it was hairless? featherless? And diseased. Technically, I bullied my poor, hapless grandfather into buying in for me at a flea market. After being toted home by me and cursed by my mother – it died.

    There was also a certain orange Beetle purchased exactly 10 months before the boy was born. Did you know Beetles aren’t big enough for babies? Yeah. They’re not. I got a free ipod. That took some of the sting out of being worked over at trade-in. Or not.

  • Betts says:

    Worst impulse buy… a weight machine. Me? Workout? Bwahahaha! I left it with my first husband when I moved out as a parting gift.

    Puppies are the worst. I never want another one… at least for a long time. I want to get my dogs when they’re about half-way to being a piece of furniture. My dog is two now, and I think I’m beginning to love him.

    Give me The Daver’s email address and I’ll spam him with messages prior to all gift giving holidays complete with suggested gifts. If that doesn’t work, I’ll personally kick him in the a$$.

  • guilty noodles says:

    my husband is quite good at gifts for birthdays and mother’s day (lots of diamonds or weekend getaways). the shitty spouse would be me, the “i can’t for the life of me remember when your birthday is” wife. and father’s day? i can’t remember it either because it’s after school ending and there’s no school project to remind me.

    in terms of impulse buying? not the dog. all the shit i’ve purchased for the dog. toys, bed, collars and (gasp) a custom sweater cause i’m a big, fat loser.

  • Holli says:

    Worst impluse buy?

    Chickens

    I wish I was joking.

  • Inna says:

    Reason number 1 why I haven’t gotten a dog (written so eloquently by Becky). Reason #2 is that nyc apts are not large enough for four legged creatures (I did suggest we buy a pig though…).
    And about the present front – my fiance is pretty good (maybe it’s because we’re not married yet?) but I usually forget to get him a present… ooops!

  • swirl girl says:

    You got me beat. The worst impulse buy I ever made was some thing called the Sweepa. A miracle broom from an infomercial. It could pick up nails off carpet and hair and Cheerios off wood floors in the same Sweep(a). Left black rubber skid marks all over my tile floors and tore out my carpet..But it did get the nails out.

    whenever I want to buy something stupid, Hubby just says “sweepa” and the impulse passes.

  • Sarah says:

    You’re a good woman. I don’t really know what else to say. And I CAN say that, because I am NOT a good woman, so I know the difference.

    That Joker of mine would be OUT ON HIS ASS if he blew off a day that meant anything to me. I rarely get more than a card, but BY GOD I had damn well better get that. The rest of the world is allowed to blow it off, but not him. I’m still wondering, 8 years later, when “Mother’s Day” will become more about me and less about our mothers.

    As far as shit-eating dogs… Did I mention you’re a good woman yet?

    Impulse buys? This house. Seriously. Stupidest thing EVER. We’re not meant to be anything but nomadic, and to try to control that has resulted in my being less “stable” than ever, apparently. Whatever the hell “stable” means. Am I supposed to board horses or something??

  • Badass Geek says:

    Your dog sounds like the cat we gave away a month ago, for the sole reason that I would dream of how I could finally be free of him.

    The cat is gone, but I have the scars on my arms and legs as an everlasting memory.

  • Madame Yu See says:

    My future-ex liked to lump Mother’s Day and my birthday, which is in late May, together as 1 event then say “I don’t know what to get you. You never like anything I buy you.” So most years I ended up with nothing, although we’d usually go out for brunch. Last year, when he thought we’d get back together, he bought me something HE wanted – a nice digital photo frame, which I kept.
    Impulse purchases? I don’t do impulse purchases, I need to agonize and obsess over every candy bar, every tube of chap stick, that I buy. That may be why I have no pets.

  • LMFAO!!! Your doggie, Auggie, sounds JUST LIKE our 12 yr old Kozzy … right down to eating the poop from the cat litter. Thank you thank you THANK YOU … for such an awesome laugh today and for not making me feel so horrible about loving/hating my Kozzy-girl. Oh, and for making me feel better that my dog isn’t the only one who likes to eat poop!

  • Stacey says:

    My worst impulse acquisitions all have one thing in common – DH was talking me into them.

    There was the godforsaken 4th hand sofa bought at the last minute for $10 off a friend and I had to be physically restrained from attacking with a chainsaw after 5 years of discomfort. It was supposed to just be temporary, a few months at most.

    There was the sudden purchase of wood flooring, when we were ‘just getting some pricing ideas’. Not that flooring was bad but we spent $250 more on extra wood ‘so we wouldn’t run short’ due to DH’s insistence & failure to remember the room size properly & are still stuck with enough flooring to fill 3/4 of any other room in the house.

    And there is that mini van we abruptly bought Monday, again when we were ‘just test driving’. I haven’t made up my mind about that mini van yet

  • Eva says:

    One of my dogs loves the litter box, too, but see, the problem is, she likes to pick up the shit, then wander off with it, dropping some on the way, and making a big gross mess. If she would just EAT THE CAT SHIT WITHOUT MAKING A MESS it would be ideal.

    I tend to agonize over most purchases (including things like toothpaste) so not too many impulse buys. Um, clothes that were mistakes, mostly.

  • The Notorious BEX
    Twitter: mommywantsvodka
    says:

    Kelly, you’re cracking my ass up! I’d forgotten how Ben lamented ALL the following day how I’d obviously been very, very bad because I’d gotten nothing in my stocking. Then I too wondered why the hell I’d bought myself a damn stocking.

  • Kelly says:

    My husband also sucks at the gift giving thing. I think that Christmas this year may have made an impression on him. My stocking always always hung empty and limp on Christmas morning. I whined and cryed at first, and then for a while beat myself up for even buying myself a stocking anyway. After 9 years, I have finally just mostly come to terms with it. But this year on Christmas morning, while we were all opening stockings, our 2 1/2 year old daughter pipes up, and says, “Mommy was a bad girl, Santa doesn’t like Mommy.” Marginally funny, but I think it made my husband realize that Mommy at least needs something in her stocking….

  • Jen Anderson says:

    No impulse purchases come to mind, but the gift giving thing reminds me of my aunt & uncle. He did nothing for Mother’s Day until one year when they had 2 kids already (so it must have been her 3rd or 4th mother’s day) and she pitched a fit because he didn’t so much as sit down with the kids to make her a card. His defense? “You’re not my mother.” But she did manage to get through to him when she explained that he was the one in charge of making sure the kids got or made her something.

    He atoned by throwing her a surprise party for her birthday 2 months later. Her first words after we all yelled, “surprise”? “This has to do with Mother’s Day, doesn’t it?”

    The Daver has been falling down on the job here and there’s nothing wrong with sitting him down a month before each gift giving occasion and telling him he needs to get you something. You’re just giving him the tools he needs to succeed.

  • Jen Anderson says:

    Ooh! Betts has a good idea. Some of the online florists have a service where they’ll send an email reminder a couple of weeks before a gift giving event and you don’t even have to buy anything from them. Sign him up for those.

    And then start an Amazon wish list he doesn’t end up getting you discount pantyhose for Christmas (like my dad did for my mom one year).

  • birdpress says:

    I don’t tend to impulse buy, but wanted to tell you that you are a good person for keeping the dog! So many are given away before they “settle in” and those are the ones that don’t get homes at the shelters. They become too big to be cute and too young and energetic to be easy keepers. I hope Auggie continues to squirm his way into your heart!

  • deb says:

    Worst impulse buy? The effing Wii/Wii Fit that sits collecting dust. Oh sure, “I’m gonna work out”, I said. And I did. A couple times…..
    SHUTIT!

    On another note: Anyone wanna buy a Wii/Wii Fit? *ahem*

  • CLC says:

    Love the pix! I don’t know how you manage 3 kids and 2 dogs. You must have a lot of patience.

  • Bonny says:

    I’m new to your blog, I do not have an impulse buy to share, but I was told by my vet years ago, that by putting meat tenderizer in with the dogs food makes it repulsive to eat the poop. This actually worked for us, but we had to put it in all the animals food, because the stupid dog was first only eating her own poo, but when we added the meat tenderizer, she started eating the other dogs and the cat box too. But the meat tenderizer seemed to do the trick and when she stopped after a while we did away with the tenderizer and she has not done it again. It’s been 4 years.

  • Betty M says:

    Havent voted yet – it wont let me in – bastard.

  • Kendra says:

    I don’t know, my worst impulse buy may also have been the dog. I laughed right along with you (though ours doesn’t eat shit; he eats doors and carpet and pushes people down stairs because he’s too dumb to figure out that you follow people by going BEHIND them). And then you got me; my kids also adore the dog beyond all reason. So, though I daily wish he would die or run away or otherwise rid me of having to deal with him, I know it will break the kids’ hearts when he’s gone. So I try not to call him stupid that often, and I agree (at least out loud) when they tell me he’s really a good dog.

  • Tanya says:

    Oh the poop eating dog… mine also picks it all out but then only eats some of it. I’d rather scoop it from the box thanks.

    Then you have the cat who refused to use the litterbox when I moved it to the basement and decided to use the dog kennel instead… it took me a couple days to realise why it smelled like cat pee in the house and I couldn’t find any puddles.

    Impulse purchases… um… maybe the gym membership with a 3 year term that was used for about a month.

  • Jenn says:

    I have never bought anything (aside from snack foods or whatever) on impulse. I just don’t have it in me, I guess. Probably because for anything over 10 bucks I pretty much have to write an essay to my husband explaining just why it is that we NEED it so badly anyway.

  • Suzannah says:

    OMG, I’m so excited, and so happy that you not only posted pics of Auggie, but wrote a whole post as well. Color me thrilled. This one made me laugh my ass off, especially the part about eating shit off the tap!!! I’m glad you’re getting to sort of like him a little more. My hubs still won’t let me get any animals. However, I will continue to whine until I get my way.

    Oh, and I don’t have a blog, but my hubby has an organic gardening website, so feel free to check it out!

    Thanks so much! You made my day!
    Suzannah

  • lola says:

    Oh, you like the damn dog, and you know it! My worst impulse buy? The shots I bought last night at the Blue October concert that rendered me useless all day today.

    The concert was great, though, especially after the shots ;)

  • Dot says:

    Augie is still adorable. The vets say they don’t know why they eat poop, but apparently it’s not harmful. One of mine ate his own. He also ate all the dirt out of the flower pots. The vets said the same thing about that.

    I’ve made a lot of bad impulse buys. Usually it’s an expensive book or type of software that I’ll never really use. Once I bought the Star Wars trilogy because I wanted something expensive for Christmas and no one else was going to buy it. I actually still watch those, though, once in a while.

  • michelle says:

    Same here, 2nd dog. A 10 month old, 60 pound puppy that grew into a slobbering 85 pounds of Muscle-But-Dumb-As-A-Box-Of-Rocks DOG. But when I see him laying on the bed with my kid sleeping on top of him, head to tail, and him not moving…. WHat can you do but love him all the more?

    My mother-in-law has a poop-eater than can top your. Not only does she (the dog, not MIL) love it fresh off the tap, but we use her to clean up the yard! SHe is a 15 pound little SHITZU (ironic, huh?) and we have 2 large boxers. When my in-laws bring her over, I put her in teh back yard, and then I don’t have to do poop-patrol that week! She cleans the yard for me!
    !

  • Last year was my very first mother’s day & I wanted it to be special. Husband did zilch. I made my own brunch reservations. I have no hopes for this year.

  • My dog eats poo, too. I get all excited when I cook a meal and Ginger acts like it’s the best thing she has ever had in her ENTIRE life, and then, after the initial euphoria dies down, I remember that she likes the taste of her own poo, therefore, she is hardly a discerning culinary critic. It sort of ruins it for me.

  • Coco says:

    How did I miss this post?

    Let’s see, worst impulse buys…that would have to be the salt water fish tank that hub bought and which I am now stuck taking care of.

    Those fish are more high maintenance than Naomi Campbell after a five day coke bender.

  • Suzie says:

    About the Poo thing… put a teaspoon of pumpkin in his food at each meal. OR pineapple juice. Either of these two solutions work like a charm. It makes the poo taste nasty to them and therefore they quit eating it. BTW – the reason for the poo eating??? The body hasn’t processed the fillers in the dog food and therefore the poo comes out tasting like it went in because it wasn’t digested. :)

    Either way… pure pumpkin or pineapple juice will make said food taste nasty at the outcome and will thus stop that disgusting habit. :)

  • My dog ate poo. One time. I was so grossed out I snatched him up and washed his mouth out with soap–his breath was disgusting! After that, he never did it again. I have to say, I was very generous with the soap!

  • Kristine says:

    Worst impulse buy was also a dog – we went for a cocker and go a boxr – and she’s great – but she cost us a billion dollars in vet bills that first year…she’s why I can’t retire early and she won’t do the dishes or vaccuum either.

  • mumma boo says:

    Our pugs used to eat each other’s poo and lick each other’s twigs and berries. Reason #1 that they are now living with some kindly soul in upstate NY who apparently doesn’t mind that sort of behavior? Our allergies. Reason #2? Yeah, penis-poop breath. Nasty!

  • pamajama says:

    A $1,200 Yorkie purchased with a credit card. We are not lap dog people. She also enjoyed the flavor of shit more than most anything else in the world. I gave her to one of my best friends after she filled my papa-san chair with poop. She now lives like a queen, sleeping between thighs at night, climbing on the kitchen table, traveling in the car, being adored as she deserves. They found something like 12 ticks on her when she moved in. I am not a dog fondler, so I never noticed. My bad! Giving her away probably saved her life! They are tremendously grateful and for a while they worried we’d want her back. LOL My kids will no doubt deal with this in therapy at some point.

  • Angellee says:

    In our home, the cat poop that is snuck out of the cat box is called KITTY CARMELS!!! :)

  • Mangymutt says:

    I too have a shiba inu chihuahua mix dog named Donovan. Impulse buy in the sense that I bought him off the internet without even seeing the dog in person. His photo just made me go, ” AAAAWWWWWWWWWW! He’s so CUTE!!!” so we’ve had him since he was 4 months old and now he’s 1 year old. For the first 6 months he pooped and peed his way all over the house! I was about to find him a home as well until one day he just stopped doing it in the house. Now he’s the best, sweetest dog we could have asked for. His only bad habit is he does chew everything in site! pencils, empty toilet rolls, paper, pens, crayons, toy cars, balls, ping pong balls, silly putty, carpet, rugs, etc. I am trying to break him of the habit but it’s hard. But he’s still a sweety. He doesn’t bark very much which is a plus.

  • Tom Luth says:

    We have a Shiba Inu Chihuahua that looks identical to Auggie, as well as his sister. Rusty, the male, and Amber, the female — who looks slightly more like a chihuahua than Rusty, were both adopted from the local shelter, and are as wonderful dogs as I have ever owned. Fortunately, they do not share Auggie’s eating habits.

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