There’s very little I like more than a bargain.

Okay, that’s a total lie. I like many things more than a bargain, up to and including sleeping, heavy sarcasm, sitting on my ass, strawberry-frosted donuts, The Twitter, mocking the founder of Facebook Mark Zuckerberg, mocking myself, obsessing over cardigans, Vicodin-chip cookies, Hostess orange-flavored cupcakes, designing photon rings in my backyard, my roses, test-driving cars, napping, thinking about napping, and watching reruns of Law and Order.

But when I get a bargain, I get the rush that I’m pretty certain causes otherwise normal people to get up at midnight and stand out in the freezing cold to be the first in line to buy something abnormally cheap on Black Friday.

I just couldn’t bring myself to actually do it, rush or no.

I’ve thought about why I wouldn’t do it most of the week  (still flat on my back in pain)and I think it boils down to not being a Team Player. I’m just not a Team Player. Shut your whore mouth.

Even if I could get my spot in line and guarantee that the item I wanted would be mine ALL MINE, I would be carted off to jail well before the doors opened.

How the hell do I know this without ever having stood in a single line? SIMPLE. I read your blogs. You guys DO stand in those lines. And between my Pranksters are peppered The Crazies. Aunt Becky don’t play with The Crazies. Especially the PUSHY crazies.

The very moment some asswad threw an elbow, tried to cut in line (HATE! THAT!) or made a comment about my happy pants (they have hearts on them!), I’d be all, “Nice teeth, Cleatus, why don’t you and your recessive genes kiss my white ass and crawl back under the rock that you crawled out from under.”

Then, his fifteen cousins would come over and beat my very small-wristed ass into a bloody pulp. Not before, of course, I got in a couple of squirrelly kicks. Then the cops would come and we’d all get hauled to jail and I wouldn’t end up with the electric back-hair groomer I’d so desperately wanted for 90% off.

What a mess.

So instead, I’ll sleep leisurely in and when I wake up, I’ll catch a few shitty sales online. None will give me the same sort of thrill that getting my nose-hair trimmer would, but I really need to let my surgical scar heal before I can go to jail. That way, I can avoid being someone’s bitch by beating the shit out of someone when I first get there.

It’s not the same, I know, so instead, I’ll live through you.

Tell me your stories. I’m sure someday I’ll go shop the Black Friday sales and bring a video camera to capture it all for maximum hilarity (for my blog, of course). Hopefully Cletus will avoid the lens when he beats me silly.

So tell me all about your experiences with the sales. My delicate wrists are going to live vicariously through you this year.

70 thoughts on “Happy Holidays…From Jail!

  1. I’m with you. I don’t do crowds. Although I like a bargain as much as anyone(well, obviously not quite as much), I think I would play double just to avoid people. Jail might be better than hanging with my family though!

  2. Until American Chainsaw has a “Black Friday” sale I can’t be bothered. Sadly they aren’t even open today. Which is a bummer, because that is the coolest gift I’m buying this year.

  3. Lol I’m with you. Saving $5 isn’t worth waiting in line with the crazies for an hour. One time was enough to make me stay home and shop online. I witnessed the brawls over the last talking Elmo and bargain DVD player that scarred me for life. Something is very wrong if you are worried about being mugged on the way to your car with the newest DS. I think these people would dive and grab for anything they thought was a hot item regardless if they need it or not just for the pure sport of it

  4. I generally believe all things that are wrong in the world can be blamed on Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates and Stephen Harper.

    No black friday here, but we have Boxing day (Dec 26) which is like a “Let’s get all the christmas shit out of here..” sale so people will line up for 75% off garlands and tinsel for next year. Most times I can’t be bothered, being too full of turkey and eggnog and trying to find space in my teeny little house for all the crap that my ladies get spoiled with by various relatives and “Santa”

  5. Oh Aunt Becky, I too avoid the pushy crazies who think Black Friday is fun. To me, Black Friday is worse that waterboarding. I just don’t believe any deal is worth it. It’s too scary!!!!

  6. I went to bed at the same time my brother was going out to stores last night to wait in line (2am). I woke up at 11 and have been curled up, relaxing on the couch, ever since.

  7. Oh hell no – I will NEVER do a Black Friday shop-a-thon.

    I too would end up in jail because instead of speaking I would just go freaking crazy & beat everyone even near me. I HATE shopping period. I hate crowds PERIOD! I do my grocery shopping at WalMart on Sunday morning early while the normal people are at church or probley just getting ready for church & the other 10 people in that store is still way too fucking many for me!

    I get shopping rage!

  8. There is nothing in the world I want enough to make me get out of bed and go wait in line in the cold and the dark for a store to open. Nothing! However years ago, when we first moved north to the frozen tundra, my husband decided to go out early on Black Friday to a department store to look for a warm coat. He quickly found a coat, purchased it and headed back to his car – it was still very early and so still quite dark. And there, in the dark parking lot, he failed to see a bollard which was unpainted grey concrete and totally smashed in the front of his car. So for years one of our favorite punchlines was “I hope you got a good deal on that coat!”

    1. You’re supposed to wear PJ’s while shopping online? I’ve been doing it naked all these years — which may explain the screaming children and draft … hmmmm

  9. My SIL got up at like 3am to go stand in line at TRU for 4 Kung Zhu pets & armour ($4 regularly $10 i think) & by the time she got to that area they were all gone, so she went to another TRU & they were sold out. It was 6:30am. I got up at 9am, had some coffee, got caught up on Facebook, surfed over to the TRU website, ordered my 4 Kung Zhu pets & armour(also for $4), gladly paid the $5.95 shipping charge & poured myself another cup of coffee.

    Bottom line, she got up at 3am to avoid shipping charges & came home with nothing. For $5.95 I got to sleep in AND got my order.

    One upping your annoying SIL – priceless.

  10. Yep so I tried to be a good mommy and hit up The Toys R Us spectacular sale at 10pm last night, got there at 9:45,it was cold and rainy here in the mitten and the line was easily 450 to 500 strong I said fuck that noise turned around and came home.Put my pjs on curled up next to the husband and went to bed. Went to Target at 8 this morning and actually managed to get in and out of there in 45 minutes with everything I walked in wanting that was full of the awesome. I did here that the Toys R Us had some pretty good fights go down from a couple nut jobs I know that were silly enough to stay and wait in said horrendous line.

  11. I thought conspicuous consumption was what got us into this economic, mortgage-bailout, foreclosure mess? Maybe we should just cancel Christmas. It’s just turned into this huge mess of shoppers-gone-wild. WWJD? No, seriously, what WOULD Jesus do? He’d be like, “DAYUM. You people totally turned my birthday party into an orgy at Wal-Mart.” Just remember people, Jesus may forgive your sins, but the credit card companies are run by the devil. Muh haa haa haa.

  12. LMAO!! …. Best line: ‘I’d be all, “Nice teeth, Cleatus, why don’t you and your recessive genes kiss my white ass and crawl back under the rock that you crawled out from under.” ‘

    I’d be right there with ya, sister. We could share a cell.

  13. I am totally with you on that! My husband went out this morning at 4:30. He came in at 9:00 and said “Never again”…we will see next year but in the meantime I slept in until 7:00 and did NOT say “never again”.

  14. Got all the black Friday ads, checked them out…went online to see customer reviews. (Target and Toys R Us) all the prices were already marked down……8pm on Thursday evening. Sooo, I got out the credit card, paid for my ‘Black Friday’ stuff, and fell into my food induced coma.

  15. 4 years ago was the last time I got up early for the Black Friday sales. All I needed was a Christmas tree from JC Penney. I got it, had the guy load it in my husband’s truck, and went back home to bed. 5 minutes in line, no parking hassles…it was a wonderful thing. And there’s nothing else I will ever need like I needed a pre-lit (colored and white lights!) 6.5 foot Christmas tree for $100 again.

  16. I have never gotten up early to go to a BLack Friday sale. I started to do it this morning because the Nano bug habitat that my kids both asked for was/is half priced at Radio Shack today starting at 5:30 MF a.m. But I got to exploring the Radio Shack website to see if maybe the same thing might be on sale ONLINE today and viola, that mother flipper was on sale YESTERDAY online and I still got the Nano things at half price and never had to leave my house. I did however go to Walmart today but I waited until almost 1 in the afternoon to go. The Black Friday deals are like from ass crack of dawn to 10 am so I thought maybe the huge pushy shovey crowds would be gone by 1. I was right. They were mostly back to normal ppl in Walmart by the time I got there and I got the XBox 360 my oldest son asked for for Christmas for 30 bucks less than I thought it cost. So win win for me! I even got an up close parking spot. And that shit never happens even on a normal day.

  17. Nope. I intentionally avoided all commerce today. I think it’s bullshit that capitalism tries to force-feed us the spirit of the season. I sat at home, drank coffee and ate Dark Chocolate M&Ms all day instead.

        1. That’s MY job. I’m Aunt Becky for a reason. I reserve the right to show up anywhere and demand anything. I always LOOK familiar enough that we MIGHT be related. Then I can drink your booze and eat your food until I vomit all over your carpet.

          Perhaps we should should join forces.

  18. I do not do black friday either.

    I did it for the first time a many years ago for a guy friend who wanted to buy his daughter a care bear and figured a girl was less likely to get arrested for fighting other girls for carebears.

    I did it again 3 years ago for some electronics my new better half needed for his business.

    Today, I was coerced to do so by someone I would probably follow into hell, AKA my best friend. It was supposed to be a simple trip to the Bass Pro Shop to buy her husband some new coveralls to replace the ones with the broken zipper that he tried to repair by cutting zippers out of random other clothing items in the house. Which obviously didn’t work, as we wound up in the Bass Pro Shop on black friday, being mowed down by Cleatus’ heathen children.

    We rewarded ourselves with a trip to Banana Republic. Where I proceeded to succumb to the black friday insanity by buying my better half a sweater. Which he will probably never wear seeing as how he never wore the last BR sweater I bought him. It will, however, look fabulous on his coppery native american skin in all of it’s blue green glory. If I can ever get him into it, that is.

    I walked away with one dinky tank top. No more black friday for me. I did better shopping online before we ever left the house. (she says as she digs for the car keys to go buy a christmas tree. on black friday.)

  19. I work in a jail. There are a few spare crazies around. I’ve become so immune to such behaviour, that I could probably stand in line for hours and not even notice that anything was amiss.

    I would, however, not stand in line for hours because I have no patience for waiting.

    And shut up! I live in Canada – there’s a “u” in behaviour.

  20. I cheated. Only thing I saw that was an “OH MY GOD! for me was a 40 piece container set at walmart (rubbermaid) for $9. I was planning on getting my MIL one of the 24 piece sets for $11 on Amazon until I saw that… But I couldn;t resist the walmart sale..

    I, however, cheated. I called up my friend who happens to work there and had him pick one up for me on his break. Because I am to friggin lazy for middle of the night/early morning craziness. That’s SO the way to hit up black friday sales 😀

  21. I’ve shopped it AND worked it. Last year, retail hell at a major electronics chain. Twelve hours. Nobody got into fights, nobody went crazy. There were no nasties really either. But, it was farking insane. No joke. INSANE. I had to put on the cheerful for over 12 hours…I got there at 2:30am and had to be escorted into the store by management so nobody would try to tackle me. (Nobody did…they were all too cold and tired.) We opened a few hours later, and all I remember was just going going going. You’re racing around like a maniac.

    I did the early morning shopping a few years ago, and managed to get a Wii at 5am in the morning. My mom told me to try to get one, but none of us expected me to. I did though! Had to fight off some mad people though, yo. Kept trying to cut me in line cause I’m short and younger. No fighting necessary though. I just put my foot there, and wouldn’t move.

    I went shopping today, and was laughing hysterically at the woman who was complaining that she had, “Just one item, why do I have to wait in the line?” I literally looked at her and died laughing. I was like, lady, I only have one item, but you don’t see me bitching. She had like, leggings or something. I hope they were a penny lady, cause that’s ridiculous. Special treatment my ass.

  22. Yeah don’t do crowds too easily annoyed!! I also don’t like the sudden influx of mall vendors trying to do my hair or sell me crap I don’t need or want. I see your crappy kiosk if I want your over priced flat iron I will come to you!! I am starting to think that maybe I should not be allowed to go out in public unsupervised. On

  23. Yeah don’t do crowds too easily annoyed!! I also don’t like the sudden influx of mall vendors trying to do my hair or sell me crap I don’t need or want. I see your crappy kiosk if I want your over priced flat iron I will come to you!! I am starting to think that maybe I should not be allowed to go out in public unsupervised. One more sales pitch may cause me to lash out irrationally and we might be sharing a cell! Also don’t do black Friday. Would rather pay full price then bail!

  24. It’s funny, I kind of enjoy shopping now that I’m retired. My sweety and I have turned into near recluses since retirement. Thing is, I don’t like big crowds so I shop at odd times.

    I enjoy flirting with the women who know damned well it’s just for fun, I enjoy asking the little girls which of my nine grandsons they’d like to marry, etc. The main regret is that it’s getting harder and harder to find women so much older that casual flirting is good for their ego, I still try, though. Still, when all that was going on I was in a nice warm bed with my Pug and, sometimes my German Shepherd keeping me nice and warm. Wandering about a store when it’s mobbed? No thanks.

  25. I had no idea how intense Black Friday was until today. My family told me they were going and I didn’t ask any details. When they came home, they woke me up out of a dead sleep and demanded that I carry stuff out of the car. I was pissed. As I was helping them, they kept babbling about how crazy Black Friday was. I just kept thinking to myself, “I hate Black Friday,” because I was so damn tired.

    1. I would cut someone if they woke me up to carry stuff in. But I haven’t scoured the news to find out if anyone got killed in a stampede for a twenty dollar gameboy this year. It normally happens.

  26. I meant to do Black Friday but I broke my ass falling on the ice on Wednesday evening so I spent the day at home on Percocets begging my husband to do things like help me put my socks on. I was trying not to crush the baby as I fell and thereby tore my hamstring and strained every muscle I have. The baby is unscathed and I didn’t spend anything. Motherfucking Win!

    1. We should join asses and sit on the couch TOGETHER. If we swap pain meds, they’ll be more effective. And I can do SOME things for us. Ben can watch the babies.

      I have it all worked out. See?

  27. The ONLY thing I could EVER see myself draggin’ my ass out of bed to get for my kid is an attitude adjustment (and it would have to be a REALLY good deal!). He has everything else he NEEDS.

  28. Against my better judgement, I did go out for the midnight sales. They weren’t quite as bad, but as we stood in the sea of checkout lines, I told my husband that I can’t wait to move somewhere that I have to make a concerted effort to see an attractive person and not a community of people that look inbred.

  29. I worked in retail, Kmart, for 5 long, time stood still, freaking years. I hated black Friday. I hated being there on Thanksgiving, while my in-laws had their big dinner.. Wait…. I think I might have gotten the better deal there… Big crowds make me want to vomit.

    I am of the stay at home, in my three-sizes-too-large t-shirt, and a pair of fluffy socks, and shop online group now. Since I live an hour and a half from a town with more that 1000 people, I sure as hell am not driving there in the middle of the freaking night, to freeze. No thank you. I like cozy, and warm, and curled up in my recliner, WAY more!! It just is not worth it.

  30. Well, okay, I went. For numerous reasons, not the least of which seems to be my need to gawk at the people who buy right in to the ‘it’s-on-BIG-sale-so-I-have-to-buy-it-NOW’ mentality. I bought some useful things and then stood in line at Target reading David Sedaris’ _Holidays on Ice_ which I picked up in the book section before I got into line.

    The people in front of me were buying toys for children to whom they were only tangentially related. Because they were on SALE. And two people had 3 ginormous no-recognizable-name tvs in their carts. Because I guess everyone gets a ginormous tv in their rooms this Christmas.

    Anyway, I was slightly lame. But then I came home and fell asleep with my head in mr webbis’ lap, so that was a win for me.

    1. Can you bring me with you next time? I think I need to watch this in action. Not YOU, the nutters! I am pretty sure that the nutters would make excellent blog fodder for the next several YEARS.

  31. I have never and will never go out on Black Friday. I did all my Christmas shopping online last weekend and have been receiving boxes of goodies all week. The only thing I have to buy in stores is wrapping paper. They did have a good deal on that at Rite Aid here in town but I really didn’t want to get out of my pajamas to go out in the cold. Instead I stayed home, ate leftovers, had pie for breakfast, and watched TV with the baby. A perfect kind of day.

    1. OH! Current has a great sale every year after Christmas! Its really thick paper, and you can find some awesome deals! I order mine right after the holidays, when things calm down, and its fresh in my mind how much I need!

  32. if you have small wrists, you could attach some kind of shank to them! that way if some a-hole tries to reach for the same nose hair trimmer as you… BAM! you shank the shit out of them, grab the trimmer and take off before they even know why they’re bleeding!

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