I found this sort of guide to wifery from the 50′s online a couple of years ago, and supposedly it’s called The Good Wife’s Guide. Is this legit Aunt Becky, you ask me, a disapproving tone in your otherwise flawless voice? And I will tell you with absolute certainty that it doesn’t fucking matter. It’s Comedy Gold.

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Planning it out in advance is saying ‘Pick up some Chinese food tonight on your way home from work’ at 3pm. Trust me when I tell you that I am FAR more concerned about my needs.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Now I’m not trying to imply that I look like a million bucks when The Daver walks in the door, but honestly the last thing on my mind at 7pm is ‘shit! Do I look okay?’ It’s much more like ‘did I accidentally microwave the cat, AGAIN? Shit!’

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Dude. I’m always a little gay.

*waggles eyebrows suggestively*

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

What the fcuk is a dust cloth? And I’ll happily make an effort to pick up the clutter the day that The Daver does not have a roving sock colony following him around like a wee family.

During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Are you SERIOUS? I don’t know how to work the fireplace, and I don’t intend to learn. If he wants to relax by the fire, he can light it himself. I don’t know when catering to anyone’s comfort has provided me with any type of satisfaction.

Unless it involved Prada purses.

Then I could cater a lot.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him.

If there is noise in the home, it means I am home.

I am noisy.

I am loud.

I speak at extremely deafening decibels.

And really, if I am actually doing these household chores, he should be pleased that I’m not pawning them off on him.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

My desire to please him?

Bwhahahahahahahaha!

*wipes tears from eyes*

Hahahahahahahaha!

Yeah. Right.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

If I waited until The Daver stopped talking to tell him such things as ‘the sump pump backed up and the basement is flooded’ or ‘I want to have a threesome with a midget,’ I’d never be heard.

The Daver and I talk over each other with such comfortable regularity that we have actually made a sign that says “Floor” to use when we have Important Discussions.

And wait, how the hell is ‘the cpm processor of horhelfsag to the ajfoijhriwndas is jdsa;hfrioenrhiubnf more important than “Our bedroom smells like cheese” or “cherry flavored pez is a wonderfood.” Because it’s totally not.

Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.

Who else can I greet this way?

Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

If he stays out all night, trust me, my complaining will be the last thing he’s concerned about. More pressing needs might be “How do I get my testicles back from the sewer system?” or “Where else can I let my roving sock colony live? OH LOOK, SOCKS, MADE A BABY! It’s TWINS!”

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Um, yeah, Michael, how’s it going? Now about that TPS Report?

Unless his arm is falling off, he had better pitch in with the kids, the dogs, buying me dinner, whatever. With a big smile on his face.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

My voice is like a sack of cats fighting over a mouse on a chalkboard. And I yell. Most of the time.

And where would I take his shoes? On a date?

Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

MASTER OF THE GODDAMN HOUSE?

Bwahahahahaha!

That’s right, Internet, The Daver is Master of the Bwahahahaha! I can’t even type it without laughing.

I mean, seriously, what am I supposed to say when he says, “I think we should buy a truckload of Twinkies and the biggest Fry Daddy we can find! Fuck our retirement*!!” Color me boring but I don’t think ‘Whatever you say, dear’ would work well.

A good wife always knows her place.

Dude, exactly “my place” is anywhere I fucking want it to be.

*hahahaha

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

12 Responses to My Place Is Anywhere I Make It, Asshole

  • Andrea says:

    Oh my God, I love you. I have read this bullshit housewife list online so many times, but finally I’ve found someone with an answer to it! Because pretty much all I’ve ever been able to come up with in response is “fuck that noise,” followed by uncontrollable laughter.

  • Shell says:

    Your commentary is dead on and had me cracking up!

    If I had the power to make my house quiet- especially get the kids quiet- I’d do that all day long and then tell them to let lose when my husband came home.

  • Chelsie says:

    The fuck? Build a fire for him? THAT’S MAN’S WORK. My evolutionary ancestors didn’t claw their way up the effing food chain to have build their own fires. That’s the power of the vagina, yo. My forebearers made it possible that modern woman should never have to build our own fires, slaughter our own meat, or give unnecessary blowies. That’s pure science, and I’ll cut the bitch who suggests otherwise.

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    Thank you for the laughs because all I do when I read that shit is get angry.

  • Ally says:

    “Encourage the children to be quiet” – clearly written by someone who never had children.

    OMG – this is too funny. I LOVE your commentary. Hell, when my son was a colicky, needy infant, I would literally hand the baby to my husband as he walked in the door and go lock myself in the bathroom! Not exactly the homecoming they describe, now, is it?

  • I have seen this list, too!! And had just about as many BWAHAHAHAA’s while reading it. Did people really act like this? I need to know. If there are commenters reading this that know people that acted like this, I MUST know!

    My favorite is the request to be “fresh-looking”. After all day with your kids, there is no way I’m anything above “moderately human-esque”.

  • KYouell says:

    I would like to confirm for one and all that there are still men who are able to say that this is EXACTLY how they want to live. Sadly, he did not admit this before the wedding so it did not get into the vows. Poor man. He has to make do with me as-is.

    Also, Shell & Chelsie have been added to my list of heroes.

  • Skytimes says:

    While reading this my veins started to pucker quite dangerously… in-between my laughing-fits. Recently we went through old books of my parents, one of those being exactly like this one. It included a chapter of the process of “moving in” (and they weren’t talking about apartments *waggles eyebrows*). My grandma gave this book to my dad shortly before his marriage, when all that “moving in” was already done. We had great laugh though and relieved those times are over.

    Of all those things described by you, the only thing I can see myself is doing, is lighting the fire. If I had a fireplace that is. Glad I am single.

    Thanks Becky… you rock.
    Now go and arrange some pillows. ;)

  • Don’t get mad at him for staying out all night?! Encourage him to lie down with a drink after work? Either a man wrote this or Alexis Bellino from Real Housewives of Orange County. You know, the one who said she’s made from her husband’s rib and she’s OK with him telling her what to do because he’s the head of the household? She also said women wouldn’t make good presidents because their women, but that’s a whole other post.

  • Don’t get mad at him for staying out all night?! Encourage him to lie down with a drink after work? Either a man wrote this or Alexis Bellino from Real Housewives of Orange County. You know, the one who said she’s made from her husband’s rib and she’s OK with him telling her what to do because he’s the head of the household? She also said women wouldn’t make good presidents because their women, but that’s a whole other post.

  • Angie says:

    I think if I don’t find a man to ignore soon, I’m going to marry you!
    My ex told me once that it would be easier ON ME if we lived in one of those religious communities where the women wore long flowered dresses and did what their husbands told them. His reasoning? Then I wouldn’t be stressed because I wouldn’t have any decisions except what to make for dinner.

  • “You have no right to question him.”

    I can’t look at that sentence without laughing. I’ve been breaking that rule daily, if not hourly, for nearly 20 year of marriage. “Are you sure about that?” & “What the fuck are you doing?” figures heavily in my conversation.

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