Back in July or June or something (dates, like geography, punctuation, and fractions, are not my strong suit), I lost my pants. While you might think that’s not particularly notable because I seem to be the type of person who is always losing things like my wallet, my iPhone and my children, you’d be wrong.

See, I lost my pants in my house. Specifically, my bedroom.

Let’s be clear here, Pranksters. My bedroom isn’t particularly large or filled with dark, spooky crevices or haunted by gnomes or anything. I simply woke up one day, decided to forgo my typical “pants are bullshit” mantra for the afternoon and wear the only pair of pants that I owned (at the time). I was in the middle of my lose-the-baby-weight-crusade, which meant that I didn’t own more than one pair of pants. A missing pair of pants was a pretty big deal, indeed.

Understandably, I was a little upset. If for no other reason than it meant that if I didn’t find them, I had to go pants shopping again, something I enjoy about as much as a colonoscopy.

I made posters:

Sadly, even my crappy MISSING WHORE PANTS poster turned up nothing. I even went so far as to clean out my Magical Closet, which turned up several bags of loose diamonds* and a coupon for free pants (thanks, Gap!), but my whore pants remained recklessly in the breeze.

The Mysterious Case of Aunt Becky’s Magical Closet and Her Disappearing Whore Pants remains unsolved. The pants? They’d clearly taken off for greener, sexier, less flabby pastures. Probably the twinkly and exotic lights of Las Vegas.

I’m sure they’re happy, lovingly cradling the buttocks of someone else in some other, more glamorous locale like Detroit or Kathmandu. Besides, I comfort myself, I got a free pair of pants and some diamonds out of the whole deal. That’s kind of a win, right? RIGHT.

What I didn’t realize is that my asshole pants took something ELSE with them when they disappeared (no, not my sanity. That disappeared years ago).

My thyroid.

Apparently, my thyroid gland is lathered up in coconut oil, wearing a jaunty sombrero, sipping Mai-Tai’s on the shores of some remote beach somewhere while being fanned by a gigantic ficus branch, my missing whore pants nearby doing the Electric Slide, drunk on cheap tequila.

It’s unfortunate, really, because I don’t think that Gap sells replacement thyroid glands in sizes 2-14 and while I suppose I could search my Magic Closet, I’m fairly sure I won’t find an extra one there.

(pithy aside! When did Gap sizing become so deliciously…flattering? Seriously, now Pranksters. It’s been a long time since I’ve been to Gap, but holy balls, I’ve never been so pleased to strap on a pair of pants in my life. Perhaps I should rethink my “pants are bullshit” stance to say, “sometimes pants are bullshit like when they say numbers that make me want to go on a killing spree or collapse into a puddle of The Sads.”)

I suppose that in the end, I should be pleased that it’s just my thyroid that’s gone missing in action and not something like my intestines or liver. You know, something irreplaceable.

Not like my brain or heart, both of which I’ve been living happily – cheerfully, even – without for years.

*a very long story

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

58 Responses to Gone To Vegas. Took Your Thyroid.

  • HumorSmith says:

    Of all the things I have lost in this life, I must say never a thyroid. Dear Aunt Becky, are there rather large holes on your person out of which random internal bits fall? If so, you could make a fortune on a reality show. Or maybe doing ads for duct tape. Your choice.

  • Jana A says:

    My thyroid is partying with yours in vegas. With our pants. Also, The Gap has bitchin jeans. They make even MY big ole booty look decent. I find that buying a size bigger is actually even more flattering. :)

  • I, too, have recently lost pants and am planning a post about it. How the hell does one LOSE PANTS? I haven’t lost my thyroid, but it’s optimum ability to function. I blame that on a very bad job in which I got a virus which causes me to now take medication each morning and wait an hour to eat breakfast. It’s a real bummer, yo.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I have absolutely no idea how one loses pants unless said pants are actually OUT of the house and removed somewhere. Then, MAYBE. But just…gone? I AM STILL MYSTIFIED.

      • I have to say that I am really embarrassed that I used the word “It’s” when it should have been “its.” I’m an English teacher for God’s sake. But I’m blaming it on the wine. The long day and the wine. So forgive me, mwv, and forgive me, me. And forgive me anyone who sees this and has high standards for grammar usage, as do I. I should have REVISED! I know!

  • Please do tell what style/fit these Gap pants were, because I must get my ass over there STAT.

    My thyroid went AWOL two years ago after radiation. I blame it now for my weight fluctuations and my bouts with depression. Perhaps I should buy it a plane ticket to Vegas to party. And then I’d get happier?

  • Melissa says:

    Dude – like medication thyroid issues or under the knife thyroid issues?

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Medication-type issues, PHEW.

      • Melissa says:

        Thank goodness! That scar is awful. Makes people look like they tried to slit their throat.

        That said, I want the girls ass in the picture above. I USED to have that ass. I wonder if she would trade. I would totally give her my 36lb incontinent cat. He is really cute other that the pee smell thing.

  • April K. says:

    Sorry about the pants AND the thyroid. I wish I could provide great words of encouragement for both but, alas, I cannot. I lost a sock yesterday WHILE PUTTING THEM ON. And my thyroid, well…it got scooped out of my neck a few years back after it decided to run rampant and grow all sorts of ginormous, “airway compromising” tumors. Now I get to take some pretty little pink pills everyday AND have a sweet ass scar on my neck…when people stare (which they inevitably do because I am so fair that the scar looks like it’s been tattooed on with neon ink) I tell them it’s from a nasty bar fight.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      All scars are from bar fights, right?

    • Melissa says:

      I work with a black woman who had the surgery. Its noticeable on any skin tone. (sorry that you had to have it). I may have been one of the starers. I try not to do that shit though, but sometimes when you are way tired things catch your attention and you dont check yourself.

  • gaylin says:

    My thyroid went AWOL over 15 years ago and this year the remnants decided to take me for a ride 5 changes in dose in 18 months – REALLY!! What a freakin’ pain in the throat . . .

    Maybe all our thyroids are have a big party somewhere, with your pants.

  • I had a pair of whore pants take off sometime around September. I am still looking for them. And very pissed about it. Being that I own like 4 pairs of jeans and one pair was destroyed by Bieber Nail polish so naturally Biber owes me a pair of pants. But I want my fucking whore pants back and I want to know where the hell they went.
    In an unrelated matter when I was a small child I inherited my mothers Barbie’s and Midge and Ken took off for years and when I was like 12 there they were sitting in my closet that I had cleaned probably 50 times over the years I stick to the story they ran away to have an affair in Hawaii and came back because they hated each other after all those years. So Maybe my whore pants are having an affair in Hawaii and will be back in like 10 years. Pisses me off.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Wait, Justin Beaver makes NAIL polish? I need to lay down and think about this for a LONG time.

      • I was just as shocked when I was at Wal*Mart my personal hell, at Christmas time because my daughter insisted on an AWFUL Beaver doll for the holiday I went with SHAME. And there was Justin Beaver nail polish and one of them jumped off the shelf hit the floor and went all over my jeans so I say He owes me a pair of pants being that it was HIS nail polish that attacked me. I have tweeted him with NO success. He is irresponsible. But he owes me a new pair of pants especially since a pair of my whore pants have taken off to Hawaii. But he has a WHOLE line of nail polishes that my daughters own that I again bought with SHAME.

  • Sarah S says:

    Your whore pants will probably cheat on your thyroid since they are, ya know, slutty.

    Bummer about the thyroid. Mine’s always fluctuating between failing and not failing and it blows.

  • KaraB says:

    I think your whore pants and thyroid stopped by my house and picked up one of each of my super cute polka dot socks because they are all AWOL. I’m in NY so they must be headed east! My guess is the French Riviera.

  • karen says:

    I have this friend? She BORROWED my best pair of whore pants, the ones that made my ass actually look like something. I don’t know how. So … this “friend”? SHE LOST THE PANTS!!!

    ARRRRRGGGHHHH!

    Sigh. Really, it’s been 5 years. I gotta get over it.

    Thyroid thankfully accounted for. For now …

  • Beth
    Twitter: star_momma
    says:

    See, I think your pants must’ve eloped with my pants. They weren’t my whore pants either. They were my “fit perfectly totally comfortable” pants. :: sigh ::

  • I’ve known for a while that you think pants are bullshit (I respectfully disagree) but I never thought about what DO you wear? Are you like one of those religious groups that wears only skirts? I mean, pants MAY be bullshit but it is hard to look bad-ass in a pleated skirt. (Unless you have your unicorn shirt then it doesn’t really matter what else you wear because the AWESOMENESS is overpowering.)

  • sue j. says:

    thyroid meds made a huge difference for me (15 yrs. and counting). as in night AND day of the living dead vs. able to look for whore pants without taking two naps mid-hunt.

  • moonspun says:

    Do you know which pocket you left your thyroid in? Was it that little one in front where things can get lost if you are not careful?

  • steph gas says:

    okay, i’m almost ashamed to say this. but am i really the ONLY one who kept thinking about the sisterhood of the TRAVELING PANTS when everyone was talking about their whore pants going places?

    i don’t remember ever losing pants. but i bought my first pair of skinny jeans (when you shop at the big girl stores, they’re not as skinny as you’d think) and am in love with them.

  • Kate says:

    I have to assume that the Gap sizing starting becoming more flattering around the same time Old Navy’s did (which would be about 5 years ago). I also hate to go pant shopping and I despise the fact that I can no longer walk into the store, pick up a pair of jeans identical in “name” and size to the pair I am wearing and just buy the damn things.

  • andygirl says:

    I don’t love the Gap but I do love their sizing. if I’m feeling down, I go try on size 3 pants and then call all my friends. it’s amazing.

  • Suniverse says:

    Jesus fucking christ – so EVERYONE goes to Vegas but me?

    Bullshit.

  • Jolie says:

    Dude. Now I see why you think pants are bullshit. I think shopping for pants – THAT is bullshit. That’s why I go to the consignment store. Like Kate, I can NEVAH go to a store and get the same pair I’m wearing, and I got tired of playing the “guess your size” game – so I have no clue about sizing trends for/against me. I go to a consignment store, try on 20 pairs at one time, can be 20 different brands no less, and figure out what pair fits best and buy them. A few months ago I paid $5.25 for a pair of pants that when I got home, I found a price tag in them – someone else paid like $78 for them! WHAT?! It’s been so long since I’ve bought new jeans I didn’t realize that was feasible! I don’t get all sad in the pants when shopping now, cuz I can say “Oh, it’s that BRAND” or “Oh, whomever owned these musta washed them in HOT WATER cuz I KNOW these are small for their size” or whatever. Many many excuses for the pants that don’t fit. And with that kind of variety, I usually score a pair that don’t make me cringe.
    You know, I think your thyroid must have been in that little pocket mentioned above – that’s why both are missing! Check areas the short ones could put them. I know, why would the kids be messing w/your thyroid and jeans? Cuz. obviously.

  • Marie says:

    Lucy yoga pants that fit me no matter what man make my ass look DELICIOUS= GONE. WTF?

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    Are my camera and my keys off partying with your pants and your thyroid? Who the hell knows but I still blame it all on the little blue men from the Twilight Zone.

    You know, a missing thyroid could explain a ton of the sad in the pants, tired feelings you’ve been having.

  • Thyroid problems blow. If you need to talk to someone about it you can totally call my 71 year old mother who had hers finally removed about 10 years ago. The lady can talk about thyroids for days on end. You might not actually get to tell your story, but she’ll give you a LOT of information that may or may not make sense.

    Damn pants.

    I hope you figure this all out, nothing more annoying than no pants and a jacked up thyroid. Ok, probably lots of more annoying things, but not right now.

  • If BY Yes says:

    Aha! My pashmina has disappeared, along with my youth… I smell cahoots.

  • Amelia says:

    I fall more and more in love with you with each post.

  • laurie says:

    The Dr.’s in my ER think my thyroid left recently along with them other hormones that regulate your internal temp. Do you suppose they all have a private beach somewhere? Is there a lost and found where you can go pick it up and properly chastise it and it will behave? Perhaps Gorilla glue? now the Gorrilla glue would help the pants problem too i you ever found them again.
    BUT I got another theory on them pants your baby daddy thought you looked tooo damn hot in them and hid them on you so you would not attract a different baby daddy that wasnt him!! see its not your fault at all!!

  • Becca says:

    Thyroids are, indeed, assholes. If things aren’t Juuuuuust right, all hell breaks loose :-(

  • I love Gap and Old Navy for their vanity sizing. Plus, they have size 4 maternity jeans I wore throughout my last bought of toting a parasite (I mean, my lovely daughter). Now, if I can find a pregnant gal who wears a 4 tall, I can give them away to a loving home!

  • Evan says:

    Thyroids are TOTAL assholes – my husbands is UNDER active, yet he can eat like a horse (we’re talking a whole box of swiss cake rolls in one day) and remain slim. Jerk.

    We currently have a search party out for wash cloths and towels – I did a headcount and it appears an entire laundry basket of these items ran away. But dude, if I lost a pair of jeans, I’d be crushed. I hate shopping for new clothes more than I hate my husbands stupid under active thyroid.

  • ColinP says:

    I am fairly certain I saw a pair of whore pants driving like a bat-out-of-hell with a skanky pair of culottes towards Niagara Falls.

  • Layne says:

    Oh. My. God. Your pants and thyroid took off with a dress I carefully placed in my closet 2 months ago and has since disappeared. Whores.

  • Ina Jones says:

    My thyroid decided to leave me as well (with a pair of boots AND pants). I find it very odd that so many pranksters are missing pants and thyroids…could it be that people without thyroids are magically linked??? I think its possible. Oh and I am going to Vegas in two weeks, will be on the look out for the whore pants convention.

  • Rox says:

    Thyroids are such whores. Mine just don up and left my ass too. Im not likable I suppose.

  • Krissa says:

    Really? You too? What are the chances? OMG! It’s all coming together in my leetle head! There is a thyroid thief amongst us, apparently!
    And I’m totally not trying to look superior or anything, but apparently MY thyroid still visits me from time to time.
    My thyroid pills? For SLUGGISH thyroid.
    And no. I am certain it’s not just lazy, so don’t even go there.
    Now, your pants… they’re just fucking with ya.

  • Amanda says:

    Bahaha! I fucking hate shopping for pants!

  • Jamie says:

    I once found a red sweatshirt in my closet that did not belong to me. After asking around I established that it also did not belong to any of my friends. I had it for a few years. I wore it for a few years. My friends wore it for a few years. Then one day it vanished as mysteriously as it had arrived. I like to think that it was with me when I needed it and then it moved on to another needy (of a sweatshirt) person. Closets really ARE magical. Also I’m always losing things in there and then finding them years later…so I believe your beach theory to be entirely plausible.

  • Cindy
    Twitter: WalkerCynthia
    says:

    ohmymotherfuckinggod. Now I know what whore pants look like. I want a closet like your magic closet.

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