After I smacked Becky with a Yard Of Shortbread today ( look at her twitter for details), I was informed that I needed to make up for my pigheadedness by answering some Go Ask Aunt Becky questions this week. So I broke in to her website and am shamelessly sharing my even-less-qualified opinions with you. Enjoy!

Dear Aunt Becky The Daver,

I started a short fiction site recently called Fiction Five Hundred. I was wondering if you could check it out, and maybe spread the word a bit to people that you know of that enjoy fiction.

The site URL is .

I’ll pimp your blog and various projects in exchange if you’d like. Kinda like a “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” type thing.

Badass Geek

Dear Badass,

I have run your Fiction 500 site through my own, carefully-calibrated, artificially intelligent Site Rating Software. It crashed horrifyingly, spewing electrons all over my desktop. In short, your site is so good that it literally blew my computer’s mind. I’m pretty sure it’s safe for people though, I’ve been reading through it and my brain hasn’t yet come squirting out of my nose. Bookmarked!

Dear Becky The Daver,

I’m trying to type this on the sly so my boyfriend doesn’t come stomping in asking me what I’m doing and catching me.

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year, and it’s pretty serious. We live together and all that awesome fun stuff.
I would like to take it a step further and become engaged. We’ve talked about this before, and so I’ve ruined the surprise and he knows I would say yes.
But every time we talk about it he says it’s too soon.
I don’t know if he’s waiting for a blow job or if I should propose.
I’ve been thinking about proposing, I figure it would prove I’m serious, and I’ve even considered a speech to tell him I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I’m in it for the long haul and just because we’re engaged doesn’t mean we have to get married now.

Anyway, my question(s) is/are: is it okay for me to propose, how should I propose, and do I give him a ring?

-Listener of Beyonce

Dear Listener,

I totally understand where you’re coming from — when something Just Works, it’s an amazing, wonderful, excellent feeling, and it sounds like you’ve found someone you feel ready to put your trust in, who you are ready to take the next step with. Each of those steps feels lighter and more giddy than the last.

But hold on to it! Being married has a whole lot of baggage associated with it; more than living together, sleeping together, having a joint checking account, or even having kids together. It’s a commitment that has to meet in the middle, with both people reaching out to each other for support, listening to and appreciating each other’s ideas & feelings. And sometimes, you’ll find that what you discover about your lover is not what you wanted to hear. Different people feel different pressures about marriage, and chances are his concerns aren’t anything like what you would think.

If you’ve talked to your boyfriend and he says he’s not ready, it could very well be that he is nervous about the commitment that goes into being married; most guys (at least, the good ones) wonder if they’re good enough, prepared enough, if they make enough money and if they can afford to take care of you; if they have their lives figured out enough to make a promise like this.

My advice to you is this: if you’re talking about marriage, he probably believes you’re serious already. Listen to him, give him the space he needs to work out his thoughts on the subject, and give him the support he needs to feel comfortable reaching his arm out to meet you in the middle.

It takes a maddening amount of patience to respect that someone else takes a lot longer to come to the same conclusion as you, but trust me — it’s good practice for marriage. Becks figures things out that take me weeks (I made her wait a year for a wedding rather than just heading to the courthouse!), and I figure things out that take her forever ( she was meant to be a writer! ).

If he’s a guy who’s worth giving your heart to, then he’s a guy whose opinions, concerns, fears, and ideas should matter to you. Treat him that way, and I suspect you’ll do fine. But I’d hold off on proposals and speeches and rings until you’ve had a good listen to what HE really wants. Then, if he’d dig being proposed to, go for it with gusto. If he wants to be the one to get down on one knee, then make sure the restaurant has a carpeted floor for him.

Dear Aunt Becky The Daver,

I have a huge problem – I can’t say No. Need something baked/sewn/driven/picked up/cleaned/organized/written – I’ll say Yes. Most of these projects aren’t five minute deals – they are HUGE. Why can’t I say No???

Dear Can’t Say No,

Can you babysit for us this week? We could use a break.

I tease! Saying No is a learned skill for a lot of people, including me. Most people who have a problem with it don’t like to feel that they are disappointing someone, or don’t take the time to think about the trade-offs. Try this:

Think about what you won’t be able to finish if you say Yes to whatever you’re being asked to do. Now, think about whether you want to say No to that person, or the person in front of you. You don’t have any other option, because that is what will happen when you can’t get done all the things you committed to: someone won’t get what they were asking for. (And, worse, they will be more hurt by you saying Yes and not doing it than if you just said No to begin with!)

And don’t let yourself think that you can just stay up late or get up early or push something back: all of those are saying No to being 100%, being healthy, being prepared for your regular life. If you aren’t 100%, then you have to say No even more!

It’s uncomfortable, but true: saying No now, or saying No later when you can’t get it all done, you MUST say No. The question is whether you say it up-front and save everyone time, or whether you say it later — possibly at the last minute, when they can’t ask anyone else, or possibly to yourself (!!).

Hope that helps,

The Daver.

Did I do OK, y’all? Becky always says to share your advice in the comments, so I say the same. ‘Cause it’s, like, my first time and stuff. Happy Sunday!



74 thoughts on “Go Ask The Daver

  1. Daver, you keep that up and I might love you as much as I love Becky. I don’t have an of those issues, but I might ask you about mine soon.


  2. any of those issues – sorry, the wine caused me to drop the y – that is better than lot of things wine could do, and I am not driving.

  3. Um, I think this should be an “Ask Dave” section, because he’s way better at this than you are. Also, I like Dave more. And also also? I don’t believe people actually write you questions. I think you make this shit up. πŸ™‚

  4. Nice job, Daver! Like it. I proposed to my husband first, gave him a watch, took him to the place where I knew I’d fallen in love with him…it was very private and he said yes. Then two months later he proposed to ME (although he jokes it was no risk for him) in front of an auditorium of people at the awards ceremony of a race he was direction. Very public! I thought your advice was very good in regards to the question.

    1. Dunno, you could have changed your mind… πŸ™‚

      Becky and I went to Tiffany’s to ring-shop, and when she picked the one she wanted I looked up at the sales lady and said, “OK, I’ll take it!”. Proposed right there. I’m a terrible liar, so if I’d tried to plan it out more than that, she would have known in a heartbeat.

  5. Pingback: Go Ask The Daver « dwink
  6. Wow- you go on Daver! Your advice is freakin brilliant!!! I see why you and the Aunt Becky are so good together. You’re almost as full of the coolness as she is, minus the snark (which we here kinda adore). Too bad you live all up in the Midwest, otherwise we could totally hang out (my hubby is cool like you). It would be a riot.

    1. ALMOST as full of the coolness??? πŸ™‚

      I’m not as brave about putting my snark online as Becks is, but with a few hundred thousand more “you’re-brilliants”, I may be on the road to sharing it…

  7. I think you did a fabulous job. Maybe you should have a regular guest spot?

    I have no advice to give, though. It’s too early and there’s no coffee in my house. Booooooo.

  8. Wow. The Daver, that was really good, and sweet, and lovely. I’m sad that I couldn’t have Aunt Becky today, but maybe you could get your own blog so we could have both of you every day?

    Yea, that would be wonderful.

  9. You did great!!! I liked your response to the proposal question – answered it right without the exasperated element that I, for example, might have added: he’s not ready yet ho, step off!

  10. Nice job Daver. It’s nice to see that Aunt Becky can relinquish control of her blog to you. That’s marital trust. I would rather saw off a body part tith a dull butter knife than let my husband near my blog. I wouldn’t want him hanging neon beer signs and Megan Fox posters and what not.

    1. To be fair, since I set up all the technical stuff like the web hosting and database and stuff, she knows that if I were REALLY crabby I could always just redirect her site to Rate my Poo. *muahahaha*

      Besides, dude, Megan Fox? HOT. Even Becky agrees. At least he’s got good taste. The neon beer signs would be optional.

  11. The (I feel I can call you by your first name now),
    Great advice! “It’s a commitment that has to meet in the middle, with both people reaching out to each other for support, listening to and appreciating each other’s ideas & feelings.” So true and I need to be reminded of that every day.

    Now, what should I tell the kids when they want some appreciation and compromise?

  12. How funny is The Daver? I LOVE his name : ) Did he make that up so he could sound cool? I think people that call their husband Dear Husband are SO annoying. Sometimes when I see that I never want to go to their blogs again : )

  13. Well, The Daver, my heart will ALWAYS belong to Aunt Becky, but you’re definitely a close second. Excellent job!

    P.S. I appreciated a man’s perspective to Listener’s question: thanks for helping me calm the hell down, too. πŸ˜‰

  14. OMG. You, The Daver, actually did this? AMAZING! Aunt Becky, he’s a keeper. I think we should stop our illicit affair. I can’t carry on like this knowing how awesome The Daver is.

  15. Greetings from the land of orchids ~

    Ex.cell.ent work, Daver. Finest kind.

    Only caveat I saw about the writing of Listener… she has a hyper-vigilant guy. And controlling. Not the most trusting signals for a LTR.

    Keep on keepin’ on!

    1. I saw the comment at the top of the mail, but didn’t want to read too much into it. If you listen to what he wants and it’s all about him instead of all about both of you, then that’s definitely concerning.

  16. LOVE the NO advice. Said while I am making pies, correcting accounting errors from work ON A SUNDAY, and hearing my sisters bitch about how they dont like cherry pie, even though I made them their pies. Apparently I am not allowed to like my OWN pie.

    My Dad likes cherry, so all is cool with the world.

  17. I’m one of those people who cannot say ‘no’ to anyone. (It’s the guilt!) That was great advice. I have never thought about how saying ‘yes’ to someone is saying ‘no’ to someone else (usually myself or my husband, the poor guy). Something to think about.

  18. I <3 you, Daver. Will you be my husband too? Seriously, our daughters are the same….I may not look like your wife, but close enough. We can do a wife swap thing!

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