Go Ask The Daver
I want you all to know that I have grown my hair out and shaved my chest hair just like this guy. So if I accidentally turn my head and hair-whip you with my locks of love, just know that it’s because I put the eeeee in Sweetest Day. Anyhow, Becky asked me to fill in for her today, so here I am.
Dear Aunt Becky, The Daver,
So, my NOT husband has no friends. And is absolutely okay with this. He works in construction and all the other guys he works with are either fresh out of jail or drug addicts, so it makes sense to not to be friends with those types. But should I feel better or worse that I never have to complain that he’s out at the bar all night with his buddies? Should I do like the movies and set him up on “man dates”?
He really thinks that it’s okay to not have friends, he says that he has enough with me and our son. Which is flattering but at the same time, what the hell is the matter with him?? I know he’s a little antisocial but you would think that he would want some sort of guy talk once in a while right? Am I over thinking this? Should I just be happy that he’s not out at the bars or strip clubs every weekend leaving me alone with the kid?
I totally know how this goes: Maybe he does want some sort of guy talk, but if he’s like me, there’s a limit to how much time he wants to spend seeking out friends vs. doing things he already knows are satisfying. I know I find the thought of actually *trying* to make friends pretty tiring, so I generally wait until I run into someone who I do enjoy and then find some times to hang out with them. Even so, I certainly don’t make it out to the bars or strip clubs (which are not really my thing either, so I go pretty rarely anyhow) outside of the occasional lunchtime pub stop or quick-beer-after-work, so maybe I have the same problem!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s totally cool to not be super-social, and it’s fine to choose family over other people, as long as he knows he’s free to establish friendships when and how he sees fit, and that you support him either way.
–d
Dear Aunt Becky, The Daver,
My boyfriend is the sweetest, most wonderful guy on the planet and I feel incredibly lucky to have found such a gem after my last few horrible relationships. Everything in our relationship is working wonderfully but there is one problem. His mother.
Aunt Becky, I have NO IDEA what I may have done to this woman but she doesn’t like me at all. At first my boyfriend tried talking to her about it but she would just change topics and try to ignore that he brought it up. He never got any straight answers. We’ve now been together for about a year and I thought things would be getting better, but they aren’t.
My boyfriend keeps telling me to just hang in there and that he will keep trying to talk to her about it and find out what the problem is.
I’m trying not to let her feelings bother me too much, but I can see it becoming a major problem soon since our relationship (the one with the boyfriend, not the mother) is getting more serious. I feel like I have exhausted every effort to get to know her better and to let her get to know me so we can move past this issue, but I feel like nothing is working. I’m not perfect, but I’m not a horrible person for someone to be dating either. I am polite, dress appropriately, and always ensure that I’m putting my best foot forward when I’m around his family (not that I don’t normally do all of those things anyway).
What should I do here? I’m so frustrated with trying but know I cannot just give up since it will probably affect my relationship with the boyfriend. HELP!
Sincerely,
Out of Ideas
Dear Out of Ideas,
You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your friends’ nose. Or family.
I say, you’re dating HIM, not his mother. Sucks to be so harsh, but if he is just as mystified about it as you are, and it hasn’t affected your relationship over the year you’ve been together — then all you can do is simply let it go. Not give up, mind you — when you are presented with an opportunity to understand and figure out whatever the issue is, then go for it — but let go; it’s clear that the issue is hers, not yours, and there’s nothing you can do except be yourself and enjoy your relationship with this super-sweet guy. Don’t let your concern that it might affect things later turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy!
-d
Dear My Most Super Rad Aunt, The Daver,
I have been having an internal dilemma lately. I have this fantabulous boyfriend who is crazy cute and super trustworthy. WE live together and he is pretty much the shiznit. However waaaay back in the day I accidentally read a very old email from his ex gf (said ex tried to get him back in the first month of our relationship, he chose me duh). In this email she expressed her uhm….excitement at the prospect of him once again sticking his magic meat stick in her pooper.
Now he has asked to do this with me before and I’m not really down with it. I’ve tried it before and just wasn’t a fan (although it wasn’t with him). It’s just something I’m not too jazzed about doing again. Well anyway down to the question. I’m way paranoid that he liked it a ton with her and is like, missing something with me. Oooor that he may think about it or think she is cooler or more rad because she was down with the dirty ya know?
So should I just suck it up (not literally) and let him try it out? He insists that he doesn’t care and/or think about her or what he used to stick where. But I still can’t decide. Bestow your wisdom on me…or just give me a really good cut/blow someone up joke to make me feel better. Thanks!
Amanda
Dear Amanda,
Sex should be fun.
Sex is most fun when both people are enjoying it.
So no — if it really is a turnoff for you, then don’t point him at your pooper, especially not over fear of some ex who he already decided wasn’t good enough. Guide him to something else, something that really gets you going, a position or touch or whatever, and make that the experience he craves in bed. Trust me, it’ll be hotter for him if it’s really hot for you, too — and trying to do something you just aren’t into? Not hot.
And finally, a good relationship isn’t just about what you do in bed. From what I can see, you are both cooler AND more rad for being willing to put his needs ahead of your own in an effort to make him happy. So he’d better appreciate it, or I’ll send Aunt Becky over to cut him AND blow him up. (I know, weak, but I’m just not as funny as Aunt Becky, if you can believe that.)
–d
Becky, you know I love you, but that picture is truly disturbing. I was going to go to bed at 10 PM, yet here I sit at my Macbook at 1:29 AM. I was ready to get our of my chair when I said, “Yo dude. Go check out some MWV before you go to bed.” I did and now I have a disturbing image burned in my head. If I can’t sleep tonight it will be your fault. I’m just saying…
Dude, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the heart shaped gut hair!!!
#1 to the chick whose boyfriend’s mother is not a fan…don’t marry that guy until the mother get’s on board or he proves that he will stand up to her in your honor. I have been there and done that and my second husband put his mother and sister in their place from the get…we had a much better relationship.
#2 To the “anal chick” there was a point where I agreed with The Daver and for the most part I still do but I have to say that trying new things is very hot. That particular thing I know is a rough one and I have not tried it myself but if my man came to me and requested it. I would at least give it a try. A friend of mine is really into it and suggests a nice glass of wine to relax and taking your time.
I am not into the pressure thing but just went through a rough spot with my man. He is a WASP and it was missionary once a year if I was lucky. After I nearly left him he started loosening up a little bit and let me just tell you even though we still do missionary here and there the naughty stuff leading up to it is AWSOME! Go for it!
Your treasure trail is pointing the wrong way. (Just sayin’.)
When a box of chocolates and roses just doesn’t say enough….modified chest hair. That’s clearly taking it to the next level.
Dear The Daver,
Much like our Aunt Becky, you are also full of the awesome. Love the mirror heart shave job. 😉
I just have a comment for the woman whose boyfriend’s eveeel mother hates her. Most moms think NO woman is good enough for her son. The girlfriend won’t treat her perfect, wonderful son they way he deserves to be treated. I’ve seen this in my own MIL (who, btw, really tries to be very gracious all the time) and in my own mom who has never liked the women my brothers married. How important is it to you to be liked by her? If you and boyfriend are blissfully happy, then she’ll have to realize that eventually. You’ll probably never be the best of friends, but if you’re not bothered by her indifference, then let her be the miserable one while you enjoy your life. It’s her problem, not yours. 🙂
#1 – I wouldn’t be worried about your husband’s lack of many friends. It is quite possible to be perfectly happy with limited friends. I speak from experience: I am just like your husband. I can count my personal friends on a single hand. Everyone else is either family or my wife’s friends. And that works just fine for me.
#2 – A troublesome mother-in-law is something I have experience in as well, though from being caught in the middle as the son rather than being the wife-to-be. The important thing is to know whether or not your man will choose you or her. As long as he’s on your side, your mother-in-laws opinion doesn’t matter. As the Daver said, you’re in a relationship with him, not her.
Great advice. My only additions are to the first lady…think ahead a few years. Do you want to be the only entertainment for your husband? Mine is like yours and being his only source of entertainment is getting old. I would love it if he would find a friend and go on a man-date or find a book club or, hell just get a hobby.
To lady #2, I would make sure your bf is in your corner when dealing with his mother. Many men don’t want to cross their mothers and this becomes a BIG DEAL
bahahah! Thanks The Daver….I AM cooler and more rad 🙂 no cutting/blowing up needed at the moment but I’ll let you know.
To #1:
One of my best friend’s husbands is a lot like that. He has his own friends where he’s from (halfway across the country), but here, he’s pretty content to hang out with her friends and their kid. He’s just a laid-back guy that doesn’t feel like going out and doing something artificial for a reward that doesn’t seem that important to him. I’m on the butch-er side in our circle (of mostly women and gay men) so I do sports stuff with him like going to football and baseball games, and hanging out watching sports on TV while lovely wife and the others play dominoes or something.
My advice? Work it to your advantage! He loves hanging with the kid, so we can go out, she has a babysitter, and he’s a sober ride to where we’re going, usually. He gets time alone to do his thing (and have quiet/man time) when the kid goes to sleep and she gets to go out with us.
I have a major case of ADD today so it was pretty hard to focus on all of the words. BUT, with the mother in law question, I once read that if the daughter in law writes a letter to the mother in law (her birthday, husband’s birthday, other special day or just pick a day) basically thanking her for raising such an amazing man. Tell her what a great job she did raising a man with such great charm. Tell her that you are sure it was difficult to raise such a well rounded guy. A guy that is not only very handsome, but smart, and funny too. Just go on and on crediting everything to HER for doing such a great job.
Dear the Daver, that picture disturbed me so greatly that i didn’t even notice the heart shaped pattern shaved into his abdominal hair until I read the comments.
Also, some MILs are just neurotic, crazy bitches and never ever think anyone is good enough for their precious sons. Ignore her.
Out of ideas> If your BF thinks his mother is acting weird, that’s a very good sign. It means, among other things, that he’s not going the automatic Mother-is-Right route.
Like The Daver said, take a breath and back off. Maybe it’s got nothing to do with you, well, nothing SPECIFICALLY to do with you. Perhaps seeing her son so happy in an adult relationship is making her feel sad/lonely/old, and she’s not coping so well with it. Maybe you just bear an unfortunate resemblance to that bitch in high school who bullied her. If she’s not telling her son, then she probably knows she’s got no good reason to be acting like this.
I think, in her case, you’re just going to have to set the bar lower. Don’t take shit, of course, because you’re a girlfriend, not a doormat. Just aim for civility, instead of friendship.
My advise to the first writer- Leave him alone! If he wants a friend he will make a friend… this isn’t Kindergarten and he isn’t your child. Your hubby is a grown man and if he is fine with the situation you should be fine with it to.
Out of Ideas- Being a mother I can tell you I have plans for any girlfriend my boys bring home… although my hubby says water-boarding is illegal! NO ONE is going to be good enough or pretty enough or smart enough for my boys. So I would say your boyfriends mother is either testing you to see how strong you relationship is with her son or she is totally jealous and feels replaced by you (OMG where did that come from?). If you love him stick in there just stay away from Mommy Dearest.
Amanda- I am with you on the… um … rear entry …I am thinking of getting a tat that reads “EXIT ONLY”. Sex is about trust as much as it is about fun and if you do something you don’t want to do you will end up resenting your partner. On a side note, NEVER compare yourself to the EX, she is the EX for a reason!
To the first person–
My husband doesn’t have friends either, by choice. I am not bothered by it much because he gets all his ‘guy talk’ at work, and he doesn’t annoy me when he is home or anything. He also doesn’t mind if I do go hang out with my friends, so what is there to complain about? Making/having/keeping friends is WORK to some people (myself included – that is why my only ‘real life’ friends are people I met in elementary school, seriously) and asking him to make friends might be like asking him to take on a second job. He’s not a freak of nature, so don’t worry too much about it. 😉
To the Out of Ideas person–
The boyfriend’s mother is going to get the shock of a lifetime if she doesn’t smarten up. I have seen things like this happen more than once and the guy? He pretty much ALWAYS eventually picks his significant other over his mom, especially if there is no real reason why the mom is being a jerk. My MIL can be a royal bitch and I have learned to shrug it off, worrying about it just makes me feel like crap and puts her in control.
To Amanda–
I’m with The Daver 100% on this one.
P.S. I was originally reading this in my google reader, and when I clicked the link to open the entry in a new window it froze for a second on the photo of that guy. My 3yo duaghter happened to be wandering by, and her jaw dropped. She said, “WHAT is thaaaat?!” I think she’s been scarred for life, haha.