Comments on: Go Ask Aunt Julie

By: Amy

Amy — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 01:20:16 +0000

As an infertile who managed, after a long struggle and a lot of money we could not really afford to spare, to conceive a longed for and greatly loved child who was fortunate to survive her premature and traumatic birth, I would like to say that compassion has to go both ways. During my struggle to conceive, a number of my friends and colleagues got pregnant and had kids, and despite my private grief I made it a point to feel happy for them, and I genuinely was, even while feeling quite anguished for myself at the same time.

Women who conceive easily have a right to their happiness. In/fertility issues aren’t all about us, either. I didn’t share anything about my struggle to conceive until after my child was born, but discovered when I finally talked about it that a surprising number of my colleagues had experienced similar difficulties conceiving. In some cases what seemed like overblown enthusiasm for their own pregnancies was merely relief.

There are always a few people who will push their pregnancies in other people’s faces, but chances are they’ve been pushy and insensitive about other things so that it shouldn’t really be a surprise. It’s worth congratulating them and then withdrawing. If they push, then, as Aunt Julie advises, it’s okay to be a bit of a bitch.

By: Bea

Bea — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 10:20:22 +0000

I agree with all Julie’s advice! Except I would say to the pregnant friend that sometimes letting it drop totally and relying on the other party to come back isn’t the best policy. It can help to let her know – periodically, if necessary – that the door is still open. It’s very hard to make the first step from her position.

By: Your Aunt Becky

Your Aunt Becky — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 18:38:51 +0000

Well said, my friend.

By: ScienceGeek

ScienceGeek — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 07:51:21 +0000

To the Pregnant friend, oh boy, I feel you. I’ve been floating around in that boat for months now, and it really fucking sucks (different reasons though). With the guilt and the (hey, let’s be honest) secret rage that they took a blow-torch to your happiness instead of sharing in it. But you know they only did it because they’re in so much pain. Which makes you feel guilty about wanting to slap the jealousy right out of them, and wee, you’re back on the merry-go-round.
Step off it. That’s the best advice I’ve been given (thanks, Aunt Becky). Write your friend a letter. Tell her that her reaction hurt (because it did, and you’re allowed to say that in a non-confrontational way), but you understand and you still love her, and you’ll be ready when she wants to talk.
Then stop thinking about it, and enjoy your happiness. I’m still working on getting that bit down pat, but it’s better than that damn merry-go-round. (If it helps, limit yourself to ten minutes to think about it each day. Rant, cry, cringe, whatever. Then, after a week, make it ten minutes every second day, and so on.)

By: Your Aunt Becky

Your Aunt Becky — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 05:24:55 +0000

Rock the hell on for telling ‘em like it is.

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 02:16:20 +0000

I have fertility issues (well, had. I made them permanent now.) I know how it feels to want a child and not be able to have one without a hell of a lot of extra work. And on the flip side, I was also one of the lucky ones who COULD have kids.

Infertility sucks. And yeah, those who don’t go through it seldom seem to get how stupid and insensitive they are with most of their inane comments.

Which is why I told anyone and everyone who made them that I had fertility problems. Shut up a goodly portion of them and made me a new group of friends. Then I had to practice the same thing with people because I have 4 kids and I hear “don’t you know how that happens?” all of the time now. You can’t win. Anyway around it you just can’t win.

So tell them all to suck your big toe.

By: Your Aunt Becky

Your Aunt Becky — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 20:03:23 +0000

You are a love.

By: Your Aunt Becky

Your Aunt Becky — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:40:14 +0000

Well it’s nice to meet you too! I’ll have to go and read your blog. Always nice to meet new people. There’s a follow button somewhere on my sidebar, so you can use that. YAY! New friends! YAY!

By: Your Aunt Becky

Your Aunt Becky — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:39:17 +0000

Don’t worry, I don’t think that I ever would stalk him. I am too lazy and if he’s leading an exciting double life, I’ll leave him to it.

By: Your Aunt Becky

Your Aunt Becky — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:34:03 +0000

I am totally jealous that you have anyone worthwhile to stalk on FB. I have NO ONE. I mean, I have my awesome blog friends, but other than that? No one I’ve seen naked or have scandalous stuff to lord over them about.

*sighs*

It’s very nice to meet you. I’m off to check out your blog!