Go Ask Aunt Becky
Hello Aunt Becky!
I have a stupid, crazy, but amazing boyfriend that I have been with for almost a year now. We get along really well most of the time, but for some reason or another we ALWAYS end up fighting over the stupidest shit EVER! Seriously, stupid.
Last week, he got mad at me because at 5AM, after talking and hanging out all night, I passed out in the middle of a conversation. Okay, if it’s 5AM, and you’re talking to me laying in bed after a bottle of wine, expect me to fucking fall asleep!
So, we constantly have these stupid fights that turn into 3 or 4 days of yelling at each other, ignoring each other, or whatever, until I end up being a total fucking pushover and admitting EVERYthing I do and say is WRONG! And I’m sick of it! I’m not always wrong.
I don’t know if he really thinks that I’m that fucked up, or if he’s just trying to overpower me.
I really am in love with this man, and I don’t want to end it, but my self-esteem is about to hit rock-fuckin-bottom! He treats my spiritual views with respect, and he is a very sweet, and understanding man. I just can’t handle him yelling at me anymore! I’m a strong-minded woman, and now I feel like I can’t even make up my mind without disappointing him.
I don’t want to make him sound like a total ass-hat, because he isn’t – he’s truly an amazing man. He’s okay with me being a weird tree-huggin hippie. It’s a challenge to find a man I can get along with, because I live in Utah, where having an opinion that doesn’t match “the church” is evil, so he’s a breath of fresh air.
I can’t handle the fighting anymore, but I love him.
AB, what the fuck do I do!?
-Rainn
Dear Prankster Rainn,
You may have the coolest name ever. No, seriously, can I become “Aunt Rainn?” Because that would be FULL of the awesome.
Anyway. I’ve been in this relationship before (see also: my eldest’s father) and it’s not worth it. Not unless, of course, you can meet somewhere in the middle.
So that brings me to my point: can, Prankster Rainn, you bring this up to your boyfriend and actually have a civilized conversation about why the fighting bothers you? If you cannot, if he is that convinced of his Rightness and Your Wrongness, then I would move the fuck on.
You don’t need to spend the rest of your life bowing to the alter of Your Wrongness. It will only shatter your ego and frankly, there are better men out there.
So sit your boyfriend down, tell him that this fighting is not okay; that it cannot continue and see what happens.
Good luck, Prankster.
Hello Aunt Becky-
I must say I find your blog to be hysterical and awesome.
Talk to me about morning sickness. How bad is it? Just found out that I am knocked up and will soon have my own crotch parasite 🙂
So if you’re pregnant Prankster, does that make me Great Aunt Becky? Because I’m only 31.
Anyway, congrats on the crotch parasite! I love babies. Especially babies that don’t have to be shot out of my own girly bits.
I’m also hesitant to mention morning sickness to any pregnant person because it’s sort of like trying to describe how much labor sucks. Because it TOTALLY does. So why bring up the unpleasantness, unless it’s to torture pregnant women with. I remember the particular glee in which older women bestowed their most horrifying pregnancy tales upon me while I was gestating. Right, because I really wanted to know how you tore hole to hole during delivery.
Anyway.
Here’s the down-low on morning sickness: it sucks. It sucks a lot. It’s a continuum of suck that varies from pregnancy-to-pregnancy and person-to-person.
However.
It dos not last.
Pregnancy is a finite experience. There is a beginning, a middle and and end. And while you’re going through it, you may, at times, wish you were dead, but believe me, that baby cannot stay in there forever.
Best of luck. And stock up on starchy things and mint gum. That’s how I survived.
P.S. Please name the baby Aunt Becky.
Dear Aunt Becky,
I find it silly that I’m writing to you for advice, because I think that deep down I know the answer.
Let me start off by saying I’m a people-pleaser. I spend my life making sure that everyone else around me is content. It’s what I do, it’s who I am. Â
My husband of 8 years has been diagnosed with Bipolar and Intermittent  Explosive Disorder. In the last 8 years, he has “blacked out,” becoming violent with me several times. I have given ultimatums, told him he needs to get help, threatened taking away the kids, life, everything… and until 6 months ago, he refused help.
Since then, he’s been on medication and undergoing therapy. 2 weeks ago, I received a text message from him that was supposed to go to a “friend” alluding to selling his medication. I didn’t say anything at the time because I knew he would lie.
When I got home, I snooped. I know it’s not kosher but if he’s partaking in illegal activity, I figured it was an exception. While looking through his text messages, not only did I find evidence that he was selling his medication, I also found loads of texts between he and a girl he’d met on a recent vacation. He mentioned possibly moving an hour a way to move in with her, dirty pics to and from each other. He even professed his love for her. Â
I was devastated. Â
So I confronted him. I got bullshit excuses like, “oh it was just flirting. She’s been helping him with our relationship,” more crap that I didn’t believe. Once again, I let it go, figuring we’d try counseling.
That brings us to Sunday. Sunday, my oldest son’s father called me at work and told me that he’d gone to pick up our son and my husband was freaking out on our 2-year old daughter. From what my son’s dad said, my husband spanked her several times very hard, smacked her hand on the floor and then threw her on to the couch. Â
He threatened to notify DHS if I didn’t take care of the situation. I left work as so as possible, went home and kicked him out. With much protest, he left.
Last night, he came over to talk. Once again, he filled my head with the “I regret this so much” “nobody hates this as much as I do” “I am so sorry” bullshit. What do I do? Should give him a second chance, even after all the chances I’ve given him. After all, I cannot afford a divorce. I have no one that can help me. I have nowhere to go. Without his income, I will get evicted from our house. (He won’t give me any money unless its court-ordered) I cannot let my kids move to another school again.
Then again, I cannot let this happen to any of my children ever again.Â
I don’t want to completely fuck him over. 90% of the time hes a good dad. He loves our kids more than anything. I know this. He says he loves me, but I don’t believe that. When the IED gets out of control, it’s terrible.Â
I don’t know what to think or do or feel or say. I am totally lost. My son said, “Mommy please don’t divorce daddy. That would be sad.” What do I do with that?
What do I do, AB? I’m stuck!
Oh Prankster, I’m so fucking sorry. What a terrible, unenviable position you’re in.
However, no amount of apologies can change the facts. Your husband abuses you and your child. It doesn’t matter why he’s doing it. It simply matters that he does and he has and he will again. If he genuinely cannot control himself during these attacks, I advise you to get as far away from him as possible and STAY there.
He’s not taking any personal accountability for his illness or trying to get better; he’s just feeding you lines of bullshit to keep you around. And for what? So you can be his punching bag?
You, Prankster, deserve loads better than what you’re getting. You don’t deserve this bullshit, you don’t deserve his abuse, and your children deserve better. Please get the hell out of there before the Pranksters have to come and get you..
I’m linking you to the Band Back Together resource page for domestic abuse, which has many different resources, including a state-by-state resource list, to help you get out of this situation.
And please, Prankster, keep us in the loop.
Let us know what happens.
We’re all rooting for you.
——————–
As always, Pranksters, please correct my shitty advice with your brilliant advice in the comments.
Prankster #1, Rainn:
There aren’t many things I know a lot about, but I do know a fair amount about Utah and The Church. While it’s really great that you found a guy in Utah who doesn’t think your belief system has to be aligned with that of The One True Church, that characterteristic alone cannot sustain a relationship. There are other tolerant fish in the sea — maybe even in Utah, although NOT in the Great Salt Lake, because nothing but brine shrimp can survive in that sea of filth. He sounds like a good guy, but not necessarily the perfect one for you.
Prankster #2: I’m sixteen and have nevr had a child, but my mom says not all pregnancies are accompanied by morning sickness. If you do get more than a mild case of it, make the most of it. expect to be treated like an heiress and waited on hand and foot. if you’re lucky enough not to experience it, you can keep that bit of info to yourself and still expect the heiress treatment if you so desire. have a healthy and happy baby!
Prankster #3: I have no place giving anyone advice who is in your situation. May God bless you and watch out for you and your children.
Alexis
You and your significant other need to learn how to fight more effectively. By this, I mean you’re in a pattern where he pursues and you relent and always take the blame. You need to sit down with a couples’ counselor and learn your patterns and learn ways to break those patterns. I’m speaking from experience. My husband and I did it a few years ago and it has made life so much easier. We still argue, but it’s not the marathon guilt and anger fest that it used to be.
I have to say that Prankster #3 is one of my very, very best friends in real life. I love her so very much and have talked and talked and talked with each other about everything. I want you to know my BFF that I am still here whenever you need me, you know that. I love you ((hug))
Prankster #1- I agree that he should be able to respect that you have a significant issue with his need to always be the ‘winner’ in fights and to prove you wrong all of the time. Obviously you do love him and he loves you but everyone deserves better than having to kowtow and play dumb to keep someone else happy. If he is not willing to sit down to talk and work with you on improving things than it may be time to decide in your heart if you truly can live long-term with the negative feelings.
Prankster #3, I am so sorry. I actually can relate to you not wanting to hurt him, but he has already exhibited so very much lack or respect for you and that is just wrong. May you be able to embrace your inner SuperWoman!
About morning sickness – I think it runs on a spectrum. I was definitely nauseous and certain smells would do me in, but I never actually threw-up. I had other friends who lost weight b/c they were hanging over the toilet so much…so hopefully your reader’s morning sickness will be more like mine, and less like theirs ; ).
If not for Coca Cola, i would have puked and passed out on my desk every day for the first 13 weeks of pregnancy.
Check out his parent’s relationship….or lack of it! Maybe he is acting out what he grew up with. Once you/he realize where it’s coming from sometimes you can move on! In some disfunctional relationships “Nothin says I Love You” like a little drama! BUT you can learn to do without it too! Good Luck!
Rainn, I definitely think you just need to talk to him. If he loves you as much as you love him, and he truly is understanding he should listen to your feelings AND then work to solve them. Perhaps he doesn’t truly realize how dismissive he’s being or the fact that he never apologizes, but leaves you to always take the blame. Its worth the conversation and hopefully he can change. No one wants to be in a relationship where they’re always in the wrong.
#2: Holy crap I had the worst morning sickness with my first. I’m pretty sure I spent the first 12 weeks keeled over hugging my toilet eating saltines and drinking ginger ale. I read the book the morning sickness companion, and it helped to read about other people going through the same or worse. mostly I enjoyed the worse and thinking at least I don’t have it as bad as THAT girl. The morning sickness was way better with my second. You can do it. It’ll pass and then you’ll feel great and then the third trimester hits and you suddenly waddle everywhere you go and pee all the time (sometimes even when you don’t mean to)
To the woman with the abusive husband,
My heart hurts for you and your children. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. There are programs that will help you! File for support. Get emergency custody. Protect yourself and your children. Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do.
Oh Prankster #3…GET OUT – GET OUT NOW!! There are definitely groups and non-profits willing to help people in your situation. If the decision is between keeping your kids in the same school – or allowing them to possibly be put in harms way, the choice seems like an obvious one! Hell hath no fury like a mama whose baby was touched in a way that IS NOT kosher!!! I would have beat the shit out of him right then – no questions asked. There is no excuse for that – and no forgiving it either!
WM
After reading other comments I can’t remember what order everyone came in but here goes the advice from an old woman…
Morning sickness sucks. It always has and it always will. Some people got it bad and others not so much. I’ve heard saltines in the morning help keep it at bay but I don’t know for sure. I was fine with my first child. I ate everything that didn’t run faster than me but the second one had me barfing at the mention of food. Forget eating meat! I couldn’t even walk by the meat counter at the grocery store. I lived off lettuce. Seriously, plain lettuce. As soon as the baby is born you won’t remember anything except how funny it was.
Re: the goober who is always right. Try to talk with him and if he keeps on with trying to make you feel like dog shit then lose the fucker. He is keeping you around to make himself feel like the king of Marvelous Land. You need to be the queen of your own life. Children learn from their surroundings and if boys grow up thinking that’s how you treat women that’s how they’ll treat them. Realizing that is what made me leave the father of my children. We were all miserable for a long time. I now have a son who is the greatest husband of all time. I pat myself on the back for that.
The abusive/cheater guy… run far, run fast and run NOW! Take your children and get as far away from this nasty shitter as possible. He will never change. If you give him another chance you are only setting yourself up to be hurt again. Thumb your nose at the son of a bitch and cut your losses. Small apartments aren’t all that bad when they are happy homes. I recomment changing your name and moving to another state so you won’t have to deal with him at all but that’s just me…
Prankster #1 – Have a conversation. Seriously. If he’s that cool about your lifestyle, your beliefs, etc., then he should be willing to be open minded enough to talk about what’s bothering you in your relationship. If he’s not, then find someone who is. Relationships without these kinds of conversations just don’t last.
Prankster #2 – Pregnancy SUCKS. Make no bones about it. You will puke, you will cry, you will want a divorce, you will want to be held, you will want to be held while you get a divorce, you will swell up like a beach ball, you will have joint pain in things you didn’t realize were fucking joints… But then? At the end? This amazing person is laid on your torso, and you are madly in love. I won’t tell you where that person will come out, or how much THAT will suck, but keep your eye on the prize. It’s a cute smooshy little prize and it’ll be awesome.
Prankster #3 – RUN. NOW. There are multitudes of people who will help you and your kids get back on your feet. It will be hard, and it will be a lot of work, and you’ll have to talk to your kids about it constantly… But it’s what must be done. I grew up with an abusive father – I only wish my mother had made him disappear early in my childhood. I know the long-term damage, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. You can do this!
Dear Rainn, dump him. I’m sorry. I dated this guy for 10 years. Then we got pregnant, married and had another baby. 20 years later, when my self esteem couldn’t get any lower, I finally left him. It was horrible because I put my kids through a horrible divorce. Obviously this kind of man is very controlling and when you leave him his ego takes a huge blow and he makes it hard on you. VERY HARD. My kids have been through hell and back. As much as I love my kids I wish I’d never married him because I wish I’d given my children a better man for a father. But I have my girls, I love them to bits and wouldn’t trade them for the world. But their dad. A total jackass who’s hellbent on making me miserable even if it means putting the kids in the middle of it. His ego couldn’t take the hit when I left. And he spent the twenty years before that doing the same thing to me….fighting over the stupidest things, trying to control me, making me give in just to keep the peace. I was miserable and frankly I think had I not left I might have finally taken my own life. Yes, I was getting close to THAT miserable. I could go on about how bad it was at the end, but let’s just say that the day I told him I was leaving him he got physical for the first time and I quickly became aware of just how dysfunctional we were. I’m glad I had the nerve to leave. I’m surprised I did, what with how depressed I was. I’m so much happier now. Do it before your life is so intertwined with his you can’t get out easily.
Prankster #3
Oh dear sweet sister…I am also married to man who is bipolar. It is such a difficult road. I stay, but he has never hit me nor my children. If he did, I would leave. I know it is so scary.
In our road to his recovery, the shrink said this to me once, and I have never forgotten it: “just because he takes meds for bipolar doesn’t mean he isn’t bipolar anymore. He will still have highs and lows, but hopefully they will be more tolerable.” It has taken us 13 years and ALOT of doctors and therapy to get to a point where it is tolerable. If you do stay, know that it will get harder before it will get better. It could take years, and at the end of the day, he will still be mentally ill. I urge you strongly to take Aunt Beckys advice. Seek help. Get out. Stay out. You will survive, and so will your kids. You have support out here.
To Prankster #3,
I personally work with the DFPS in my state, I think you called it DHS. I can tell you that my department will help any person trying to get out of a DV (domestic violence) if the mother is showing she wants to protect the children. The safety of your children is very important. The most important thing is to keep them safe and yourself as well. That being said, no matter what he says, unless he is willing to change himself things will not get better. They say the nicest things after the fact. That does not change that it will happen again. You need to stop the cycle now, because your children are witnessing and being a part of it. Trust me, that leaves a lasting effect on them. We see it all the time in my line of work.
You can take him to court, make him pay support. If his income is what is holding you afloat, then make sure you still get support from him. Judges will help you, especially if they get the whole story. They also like to help keep children well cared for. I see it all the time as well. You just need to stand up for yourself, get what you need and move on from this horrible situation.
Prankster #1 – I also know a bit (alot) about trying to live while surrounded by the Mormon religion. You say your boyfriend is accepting of your spirituality…. however he seems to be mimicking the structure of the Mormon church, i.e. they are always right and no matter what you say they have something to counter as to why they’re right and you’re flawed. Did he grow up in a practicing Mormon home? If so those attitudes would be firmly ingrained in his emotional makeup…. or were you raised that way and now seek out the familiar things you had in your family unit? We all do this whether what we seek is good for us or not. Just another possible perspective. I wish you a life full of self-respect.
So now that Uncle Grayhawk is back from convention #1 this month, I have a few tips.
Prankster #1: I understand that you love this person. But you said it yourself: Your self esteem is slipping away. You can try to talk to him about these fights, but I have a suspicion that this will lead to another fight. My honest recommendation is to walk away now before your self esteem is completely gone. You deserve better than him. At best, he has issues that he needs to resolve before he can be in a healthy relationship, and at worst he’s just a controlling prick. Sadly, I don’t see any point in that continuum that is healthy for YOU.
Prankster #2: I, being male, have never experienced morning sickness. I have, however, lived with 4 pregnancies, and can only offer the observation that each one had a different reaction. That said, I hope yours is mild and that your crotch parasite emerges healthy and with all the bits and bobs where they are supposed to be.
Prankster #3: Uncle Grayhawk offers the following advice:
Get. Out. NOW!
Don’t heed the “Baby, I’ll change” speech, don’t listen to the promises of getting help.
Get the legal and emotional help you and your children need. Check with the county and state authorities – like others have said, there are resources that will help you get out of this situation.
Know that my prayers are with you.
To #3 – My son (6) has rage seizures, which I’ve also seen described as IED. Meds help him control himself (combo anti-seisure and mood stabilizer), and he’s never had such a seizure since diagnosis and starting his meds. When he would have a seizure, and start beating on someone, such as his teachers. or another student, you could tell it was a seizure. He wasn’t there. You couldn’t reach him. He genuinely had no recollection of what had happened. That made it real hard to stay mad at him, and want nothing more than to help him.
I am sure that cold be part of what you are feeling – he has a medical problem and needs help. But I think it hass to be different with your husband. My 6 year old son couldn’t hurt his teachers. They are so much bigger than he is. If your husband is truly having a rage seizure, he could seriously harm your child/ren. If he’s not truly having a seizure, he could seriously harm your child/ren. Either way, it’s lose/lose. Please, protect yourself and them, and get out.
Offering my prayers for you and your family.
Prankster #3, Holy fuck, is your husband my ex? Are you somehow me?! Get out, get out, get out. It’ll be hard, no doubt about it. But there are resources that will help you to house and feed your kids. You’ll have to work really hard, you’ll have to pay strangers to watch your kids sometimes. But you can do it. I know you can because I did and I’m no better than anyone else. With time, you won’t even notice it’s hard because it’s just what needs to be done. I don’t have a lot of close family, but never underestimate your friends and their ability to help. People will surprise you. Your children deserve better. You deserve better. Make it happen. If you ever need to talk, email me at notfadeaway2359@yahoo.com. I will respond, I promise.
Prankster #3, You have to think about the worst case situation. How would you feel if, in the midst of one of his rage outbursts, he did something that resulted in the death or permanent injury of your child? Additionally, what if he did something that resulted in your death or permanent injury? What would happen to your children? I know divorce is hard on kids, but part of being a good parent is taking a deep breath and doing the hard thing with an eye toward the long view. I don’t mean to sound harsh, your situation brings tears to my eyes and I write this hoping and praying that you are able to do what you need to do, that you find out you have resources you didn’t know existed (because you do, it is SO hard to ask, but help is given to those who ask), but I am so tired of turning on the news and hearing about children (and their mothers) who have been murdered by people who were supposed to love them. It hurts every time I hear something like that, and I hear them all to often. So please, please, please ask for help in extracting yourself from the situation. Know that we are all thinking about you and rooting for you!