Dear Aunt Becky,
I just had my performance review at work and the one criticism my boss gave me was that I need to work on my “ability to work with diverse types of co-workers who bring different skill sets, learning styles, learning paces, and work strategies,” (i.e. I have to learn how to better work with the morons we keep hiring). How do I do this with out smacking people?
First off, let me say that I am sorry; that sucks. Sounds like many a Fearless Leader that I have had throughout my pathetically sorted working career.
Now this is how I would try and handle going in to work every day considering that quitting probably isn’t an option and if you’re like me, becoming an heiress is probably out of the question (although, I pray daily).
Remember this: The Big Boss looks for a certain pinhead type of person to be a middle manager. This type of person likes to swing around a bunch of words that don’t really make sense combined but sound efficient all strung together and are guaranteed to make the employee scratch their head, bewildered and angsty.
My suggestion, outside of a raging pill addiction, is to rent Office Space (or I can burn you a copy) and remember that while you’ll move to a different position and be happier being, well, you, this person will be stuck being Pinheaded Fearless Leader for the rest of their pathetic fucking life.
Dear Aunt Becky,
I’m 43 yrs old I just came back from my yearly 10,000 mile check up and I’m a little worried. Every year in the past it’s been pretty straight forward,feet planted, knees apart, deep breath, cold alien instrument inserted, scrape, and we’re done.
This time was a little different. My doctor had to try 3 different alien instruments, and she still couldn’t locate my cervix!! She assured me that it’s still there, but has referred me to a OBGYN just to make sure. Is this a common occurrence in women getting on in years? Is it possible that my cervix has dried up due to lack of use? Could it have fallen out when I wasn’t looking? Final question.. Do I even need a cervix if I’m not planning on birthing anything again?
Now, I am no expert in vaginas, I know, I own one myself and have been known to operate it, and maybe I’ve even confessed to The Internet that I might even be afraid of mine, so I can assure you that I’ve never seen my own cervix, but here’s my guess.
I think your cervix is probably hanging out with Jimmy Hoffa’s body, my old gym shorts (which may be in the dank crawl space at my parents house)(also: isn’t ‘dank’ a great word?), my virginity, (presumably) your virginity, 40,000 skin cells, that famous painting by that dead guy that’s gone missing and of course, the Mountain of Light Diamond.
All in all, I think your cervix is probably pretty happy where it is. Minus the gym shorts. Which should probably be burned.
Dear Aunt Becky,
When my obvious insanity doesn’t put guys off, I do get asked out sometimes. Usually by guys that I have no interest in and act like sad, lost puppies when they are around me. How would you recommend I reject them without completely breaking their soul?
It’s Not Me, It’s Definitely You
Now, Gentle Reader of Mine, I should warn you that I was (and probably am still) exceedingly bad at matters of the heart and I am terrified at the thought of one of my children asking me for Love Advice. I may refer them to YOU, my wise blog readers. Pack mentality rules, and you guys always know more than I do.
But here is my snark free advice and you must not fail where Your Aunt Becky always did: you MUST be firm and kind without giving in to these poor guys. You are not doing them any favors by stringing them along and agreeing to a movie or dinner.
Your Aunt Becky could have learned much from her own advice here. Please, firm and clear: “I am not going to go to dinner with you. Thank you for your offer. Good-bye.”
Please, let Your Aunt Becky know how it goes.
Be strong, my sister. STRONG.
Why do Chinese restaurants give you rice with every single entree that you order? On Sunday, I ordered Sesame chicken (1 entree) and Vegetable Fried Rice (the second entree) from a Chinsese take out place. (In the interest of complete disclosure, I got a small Won Ton soup as well).
When I got home, I found out that they had also given me two(2) orders of white steamed rice! So, essentially they gave me white rice with my fried rice. I threw them both out.
Why would anyone want white rice with their fried rice?
I am pretty sure that your Chinese restaurant either believes that my children live with you, because they both seem to subsist on a White Stuff Only diet (don’t ask, don’t tell) or that they are running an undercover front for an awesomely illegal organization and they don’t want to alert you so they bribe you with food.
I think that’s a pretty sweet deal. You can ship your white rice to me. You can mail rice, right? Certainly nothing could go wrong with mailing perishable food, right?