Dear Pranksters,

I’m planning to make some new shirt designs, but since I cannot eat a sandwich without first consulting The Internet, I am asking for your opinion. In nifty poll form!

Would you order any of these shirts? Check all that apply. And, of course, you can write any other suggestions in the comments.

Would You Buy One Of These Rad Shirts?

View Results

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Dear Aunt Becky,

I’ve been at this craptastical job for 5 years, during which they ass raped me with a spiked concrete dildo during both my maternity leave and the more recent incident with my husband’s stroke. During that, not only did they choose to string out the Medical Leave paperwork and make it more stressful than my HUSBAND BEING IN THE ICU, but also kept me on a line about whether or not they would be laying me off.

I’ve just been offered a job at Apple Retail (which I will be accepting) and be able to do my photography (holla!) and virtual assistance on the side (if you are a photographer or small business owner, check me out! http://thephotogshelper.com *cough* ) and will be starting training this weekend.

Now, my question is this! What is the most epic way to quit? I don’t care about burning bridges, as they have already screwed me here to there and I would rather whore myself out than try to come back here to work, but I want something good.

Sincerely,

Pissed in Portland

Dear Pissed in Portland,

My suggestion is something that someone I knew once did. Not, of course, myself, because I’m a VERY classy person. Or maybe it was a dream I had. I don’t remember.

He went in on the day he was going to quit and took a gigantic piss on his bosses keyboard. He then left his resignation letter floating in the piss puddle on the desk.

You would probably have to put your pee in a jar, but you know, same sentiments.

Do let us know what you decide to do. And Pranksters? Any suggestions?

Dear Aunt Becky

I have 3 kids with autism. What this means is that I am always too sleep deprived to be quick on my feet when people say stupid shit to me. Usually I can think of a snarktastic reply to stupid shit later, and use it on the next idiot.

Example:

Them: That child just needs some discipline! (i.e. Why don’t you beat him?! I would totally beat him!)

Me: OMG! Why didn’t I think of that! Of course, I’ve just been letting him do whatever he wants whenever he wants without the first thought of trying to discipline him. WOW. Thank you for curing his Autism with a single ignorant remark!

However, I have run into one I don’t know what to do with. And since you seem to be thoroughly awesome at snark…

How in hell do you reply to, “Is your kid a retard?”

I refuse to reply, “No, but I have my doubts about you” simply because that would be using that horrible slur back on someone else. It’s not okay to use the r-word, regardless of how stupid someone is. So… do you have an idea?

Jesus Christ, people can be such ignorant fuckbags, can’t they?

Honestly, I’d shoot them the death glare for a couple of loooooooonnnngggg moments before replying with, “Hey, FUCK YOU.” Baring that, “you shut your whore mouth,” always works.

Pranksters? Any thoughts?

—————

As always, your sage advice is appreciated in the comments below. What would you tell these Pranksters to do?

And submit your questions to the Go Ask Aunt Becky section at the top of the blogs, if you dare.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

41 Responses to Go Ask Aunt Becky

  • Alexis
    Twitter: theangelalexistwitter.com
    says:

    Job quitter, I think Aunt Becky’s urine-related idea is epic. This is, of course, assuming this employer will never have an opportunity to bad-mouth you to future employers. If you have a day or two to burn between jobs, you could go in one day (take a cab; the reason will be apparent later) as though you intended to work, except perhaps not dressed to corporate standards. Bring a bottle (or two or three)of wine and perhaps some cheese. crackers, and a tablecloth you don’t care to see again to spread out on your desk. Use your desk phone or cell phone to liberally make loud un-job-related calls while you enjoy your wine and cheese. If anyone approaches you with anything resembling an actual request that you complete a work-related task, wave the person away while continuing your phone chat; use your middle finger to wave the person away if you feel so inclined. If attempts to anyone hand you a paper, let it fall to the floor. If the paper is placed on your tablecloth-covered desk, toss it to the floor; crumpling is optional. Continue this charade as long as it will go. At some point, you probably will no longer be able to maintain your act. It is then that you should stand and loudly declare, “April Fools!” (The fact that it is no longe April first, or even April, is positively immaterial.) “I quit!” Take a cab home. Don’t even clean up after yourself. Demand to be paid for every second you spent there that last day wining, cheesing, and chatting away.

    Mother of the three challenging angels, I’m sixteen and don’t even have one child yet, so I shouldn’t give you any advice, except to say that no one who is as rest-deprived as you are could possibly be expected to come up with a witty response on the spot. Think long and hard, consulting the Internet, to compose something that epitomizes just what an asshole a person would have to be to say such a thing to a mother. If you’re too tired, one of the pranksters will surely compose the maxim for you. Have the saying (laced liberally with obscenities if it would in any way cause you to feel better) printed in a classy font on business-sized cards. Hand them out when applicable and go your merry way. God bless you. You are keeping your head above water in a sea that would drown most of us.

    Alexis

  • I highly suggest that right before you walk out, put a bag of popcorn in the microwave and set for 20 minutes. That smell will last a LONG time.

    • Melissa says:

      HAH! That is awesome. I HATE people that microwave popcorn at work, even if it doesnt burn. Because the smell sticks everywhere. In fact, my office has banned it because it’s so obnoxious. When it got burnt, I swear people would be waiting in the pantry for the errant microwaver ready to verbally assault them. I think if physically assaulting them was ok they would have done it.

      • libby @ ninesandquines says:

        How about some fish? Some scallops or a really smelly fish. Toss that in the microwave…

  • andrea
    Twitter: lilmscreant
    says:

    If it’s a web-based company, go in and ‘Rick-roll’ (you know the meme.. link to a Rick Astley video, preferably “Never Gonna Give You Up.”) any number of links on the site.

    Even better if they have web advertisers.. have the advertiser banners either Rick-Rolled, or linked to I can haz cheeseburger pictures. Or, depending on your level of hatred, link to Goatse pictures.

    Then walk in, say “Oh, yeah. I quit” and laugh your best malevolent evil villain laugh, and walk out without another word. DO NOT MENTION THE LINKS. Let them figure it out on their own.

  • jess says:

    “Eye of the motherfucking tiger” WINS HANDS DOWN.

    I’d buy that, even if I had to divorce my parents because they’ll probably ship me off to a reform school in Africa for wearing something with the F-word.

    For a better analogy, I think that shirt would rock more than colorful sock formations of the word “PENIS.” (DON’T JUDGE. I’m pathetic and home schooled and all that crap.)

  • Aunt Becky, it seemed like you would have offered a photo to paint, and then didn’t. I’d like to do something, and although I meet and party regularly with hot young native chicks in Vancouver’s DTES Downtown East Side, I’m kind of F’ing up w.r.t. good photos. So I wondered about you. Not very native I don’t think, but paintable. Yes?

  • Robot my foot. Were I as good.

  • HereWeGoAJen says:

    I used to be an executive recruiter. Don’t do it! The odds are WAY too good that someone will eventually call that guy for a reference, even if you don’t give out his name. We used to do what we called secondary and tertiary references, where we’d ask around and call people for references that our candidates hadn’t given us. Particularly old bosses. We could tell if someone was a jerk, but you don’t want to screw yourself out of future opportunities by being a jerk back.

    Now, if you want to do something secretive, like buying a bunch of mice from the pet store and releasing them into the building, that is another story. But do not get caught.

    To the second question asker, I would just stare at them like you are really surprised and say something like “well, that is the rudest question I have ever been asked. I mean, wow, I didn’t think someone intelligent could be so rude.” And then walk away.

    • Val says:

      I agree! Don’t screw yourself in the future just to get revenge on this assclown.

      Fresh fish in the vents (not directly in your workspace) may work too.

      I love your response to the second question too, although another response might be to burst into tears, loudly.

    • ender says:

      Agreed, don’t totally screw yourself.

      I understand that coyote piss is available at hunting stores and is vile. A little spill (without getting caught) would be all you’d need….

  • Maria says:

    What a coincidence! I was just wondering if you were a moron, but you’ve just given me my answer! Said with a smile, turn on your heel & walk away.

  • Tara R. says:

    For the mom… some people are such bastages. I am stunned that anyone would actually say that to a mother, to anyone for that matter. I think Aunt Becky’s tried and true, “shut your whore mouth!” would be perfect.

  • Paula says:

    I love them all, but didn’t vote for Eye of the Motherfucking Tiger because I wouldn’t be able to wear it in public, or around my daughter. :(

  • Tia says:

    My BFF and I were just discussing how we need tee shirts referring to our awesomeness!

  • Sarah P says:

    Re: resigning – Killing really unpleasant douchebags with kindness is just a super great revenge. I always like the very professionally worded letter to the superiors of all the people who screwed you, copied to the president of the company. It’s especially helpful if you’re owned by a bigger company, with executives who don’t know the people who screwed you. It makes it easier for them come lay-off time to decide who goes. Plus, it doesn’t fuck up your recommendations for the future.

    Re: tard – Yes. “Shut your whore mouth” is the perfect response.

  • Sarah P says:

    P.S. I would wear “Shut Your Whore Mouth” everywhere. Especially to my writing program this summer. Please make this shirt available.

  • Crystal says:

    As always Aunt Becky your shirts rock! I would purchase all three – I may only be able to wear two in public but I’d wear them all!!

    Class and dignity in quitting any job. Give a graceful bow and be on your way. Although I do believe the mice and fish ones would be pretty good since it could never be pinned back on you!

    Mom of three you are a hero and should be rewarded as one. I shall make you a pretty red cape that you can twirl and whip the asshats with when they are insensitive freaks. One the back of said cape I shall stitch “you’re welcome for the lesson in sensitivity”

  • NikkiK says:

    To “Pissed in Portland,” I would even suggest, if you can, that you consult a lawyer who knows about labor laws. Employers are responsible for dealing with FMLA. You aren’t even supposed to have to explain what’s going on, all you are required to do is say you have a family emergency. (I am NOT a lawyer, or even in HR, but I was actually just reading an article on this yesterday). Them giving you shit to deal with on top of your existing stress is unbelievable.
    But like the others I wouldn’t recommend any sub-legal sabotage. Although th burnt popcorn is a great idea.

  • Brandon says:

    For Pissed in Portland, I’d recommend putting ketchup packets on all the toilets in the restrooms. Put them between the seat and the bowl, on the little ‘pressure point’ areas. When people sit down, they burst. Inward.

    Steal everyone’s lunches from the company fridge. Or just throw them all in the trash after opening them.

    Make sure, before you announce it, to password-protect all documents on your computer. Erase nothing (they’ll notice that) but if you password-lock shit, they won’t notice until they need the files. By then, it’ll be too late to replace with backup files.

    Have fun. Blog about it. Go out with style.

    ~My Own Private Idaho~

  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    To the first person…did you know you can anonymously send someone a pile of shit through the mail. Check out PoopSenders and, yes, they do deliver to companies. You can send them a gallon of elephant shit for only $30

  • Rachel says:

    For the Mom,
    I think Aunt Becky has it right a long stare and a Fuck You should be perfect for the ass hole that would call a child a retard!! I am sorry there are people like that in the world. You are incredible and do not deserve to be verbally assaulted when out in the world with your children! Karma is a bitch people!!

  • St. Elsewhere says:

    Peeing on the boss’s PC would be fantastic. But pissing in a mug, and watering all the plants in the office would be monumental too. You know, like sacred water.

    And well, if someone asks if the kid is a retard, just say that he may be, but is a lesser retard than the questioning party. Pathetic really. Jeezus!

  • Jenn says:

    Job Leaver: I go with fish too, but left secretly behind the potplant that sits in the corner, so no one will see it until it’s disgusting.
    Autism Mamma: I would reply with, “No, he’s a genius and about to cure the Idiot gene, would your mother let you join the trial?”

  • Dawn says:

    PiP:
    Shellfish hidden carefully (such as in curtain rods, if there are any) can be the gift that keeps on giving long after you’re gone.

    A subscription to whatever publication would be the most damning sent to choice people at work might be thoughtful.

    Be careful not to do anything that can be traced to your work computer (or home, for that matter). If you choose to sabotage links on the website do it only if you can access it from a public computer using a generic work password. Otherwise, you can be traced. And wait a while after you’ve left so it isn’t immediately obvious that you’re the culprit.

    Don’t give notice. Just don’t show up on the day you begin the next job. Do not answer if they call you. If you can, sneak a beautifully worded letter of resignation into someone’s paperwork where it will only be found if carefully searched for, or misfile it, date stamped an appropriate date so that it looks like some idiot didn’t handle your resignation properly. (or the electronic version of this). You know how your company handles correspondence and who you want to mess with most.

    Autism Mama:
    You poor, dear, sweet woman. As if your life weren’t already difficult enough. If you are too kind and classy a person to respond with, “No. Sorry, you’re all alone in that department.” or by gesturing towards the rude person and saying very loudly, “This is what happens when cousins marry cousins.” or even (again, very loudly), “Why no, my child isn’t retarded. Why do you ask?”, perhaps the more subtle, “Your mother must be very proud.” would work. The incredibly rude person won’t get the joke, but most people overhearing it should.

  • Tallymomma says:

    I have nothing for the one who’s quitting but well wishes on the new fantastic job.
    As for the mom of 3 I can feel your pain. I have 3 young ones myself, an aspergers (9), autism (7), and “high energy” (3), and they can cause many a sleepless night. I say dignify that question with no response at all, or simply say no and walk away.
    This is all of course if this the local stranger in WalMart because I know at least for me this particular group feel the compelling need to ask me the stupidest ass questions on the planet.

    A few zingers though I have used:
    -At least he/she’s cute
    -Stair at him/her a little longer, you might cure him/her
    -No he/she’s just trying to talk on your level
    -Doctor said it’s chronic asshole disease, it flares up when people ask stupid questions
    -Why are you a doctor
    -Sorry, I’m deaf
    -Please step back it looks like it might be contagious
    -No, it’s just for shits and giggles
    -Is it showing, sorry thought we covered that up
    -Thank you folks, the next show will be in 10 min.

    I would have to say though my most time saving and to the point one I use is just 2 words. Move along.

    Good luck to you busy momma, your doing a great job.

  • Kathy says:

    Just a thought about all the fish suggestions to Pissed in Portland. It’s just the boss that was a jerk, right? Not the coworkers? Because if the coworkers weren’t being dicks then to make them suffer through the smell of dead fish wouldn’t be cool.

    I really like the letter up the chain of command teaching them about FMLA…but that would make your soon-to-be-ex boss look bad and he’d be looking for revenge as the HR commenter mentioned. I got canned from my federal government job for a similar situation. I wish I could have done something epic but I just walked away. It sucked. To this day (six years later) I still wish I could have done something. But blowing up federal buildings is frowned upon.

    And to Mom who objects to the word retard. Why? Is it because it’s an awful word that is demeaning? I think the person who brings that word up should be told that. With an icy glare. Along with all the other suggestions. It would be nice if that impression left the person with the inability to ever say the word “retard” again…

    P.S. I want all three teeshirts!!!

  • Gerald says:

    For the mom, I would sit down and write some responses up and print them on business cards. Then you can hand them out whenever you are confronted by a jerk. Just make sure “So’s your face” is in there, that one always works

  • Ari says:

    I totally rocked the Shut Your Whore Mouth tee the other day. The waitress at the restaurant I went to for lunch told me, lovingly, I was a bad girl. I told her about the blog. Yay for living in New Orleans, where these things get no more then a knowing wink.

    The shirt I really want to see is a “Pants are Bullshit” shirt. Maybe in slightly larger sizes so they cover your butt, but just barely. It is getting hotter and hotter here, and I would love a way to loudly proclaim my distaste for wearing pants.

  • Andrea says:

    Oh my! I am impressed by the ideas for the resignation question, and do not feel equipped to add anything as funny or diabolical!

    The second question….what if you just said “Why do you ask?”

    Love the shirts…love the blog!

  • MXW says:

    I love AB’s legacy response for asker #2. I think a simple “Shut your whore mouth” would be lovely.

  • about the resignation thingy….put your resignation in a card, but drop a good fart in the card RIGHT BEFORE you put it in the evnvelope. Then seal the envelope with boogers. Hardly anyone ever notices a booger that isn’t in it’s home turf (Nostril).

  • habanerogal says:

    Those writers at Happy Endings have gotten the biggest karma punch to the junk their show got cancelled and it isn’t like they can pull that phrase out of their hats again.

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