Aunt Becky Mommy Needs Vodka Dear Aunt Becky:

I asked a simple yet detailed question on an interweb “Moms-Helping-Moms” website and got a shitload of rude, demeaning answers.  I never meant to make myself come across as a terrible horrible person.  I even re-read my question but I guess I really am a huge bitch.  Whatever shall I do?

Sincerely,

Wicked Witch of Wisconsin

Well, Prankster, you’re clearly a miserable excuse for a human being who should not be allowed to live, breathe or walk among normal humans.

OR, wait, that had too many words spelled (mostly) properly. Let me retry that.

“U SUK WHOR.”

Was that better? That was my attempt at emulating an Internet Mole Person, or what I like to call “trolls.”

Internet Trolls, for those not versed in Internet Jargon, are people (I think they’re people, but a DNA test may be required) who post rude, mean, or otherwise inflammatory responses to a post on a site with the express purpose of evoking an emotional response.

There are a couple of different kinds of Internet Trolls (Pranksters, I’m sure I’m missing a few, so fill in, please):

Off-Topic Trolls (Internet Mole People) These people always make me wonder if they’re actually PEOPLE and not robots.

Your simple post on cats evokes this response, “WELL, I THINK iPOD’S ARE THE SPAWN OF SATAN’S PUCKERED POO HOLE YOU FILTHY, SOULLESS ASSWAD.”

Religious Trolls (Internet Mole People) These trolls use Bible Verses and religious scripture to justify being mean to others for no real reason.

Your same post on cats evokes: “Well, in (Bible Verse) something was said and THERE SHOULD BE NO CATS! YOU WILL BURN IN HELL!!! I will pray for your immortal soul, but it’s dammed already, so just get ready for hell.”

Let-Me-Hijack-Your-Post-To-Tell-My-Horrible-Story Internet Troll. These Internet Mole People almost always leave you wondering why they left you the comment at all, except that you’re now probably feeling guilty.

Cat post evokes this: “When I was a kid, we had a cat and that cat was named Sam and Sam was a mean cat and he gave my brother named Sam rabies and then we had to take them both out back and shoot them and then at the funeral, Sam The Cat’s Ghost came to haunt us and we were scared because it was a funeral and the whole town was there and there was a GHOST of a DEAD CAT who had KILLED MY BROTHER and oh my God the whole town came out and then my mom started breastfeeding a llama and I don’t know where the llama came from and then we went to the carnival and I thought I was getting rabies but really it was gangrene so I had to chop off my leg with a rusty ax and that is why you should shoot your cat.

The Pointless, yet Mean Internet Troll. These Internet Mole People usually speak in text-speak and only insult you. They’re usually found in forums and news sites with a misspelled very cutesy name.

Your cat story, responses vary, “U R a whore,” “U Suk,” “U R Dumb,” and occasionally the “Die Bitch.”

The “This Is My CAUSE” Internet Troll (Internet Mole Person): Person who defines themselves solely by their “cause,” and spends countless hours blathering on and on about it to anyone on The Twitter, The Facebook and blogs. They have a Google search set and hours each day to devote to blogs and they do that to leave comments about their “cause.” Which no one cares that much about. Or is a one-sided thing and almost always involves emotional manipulation and impassioned catch-phrases to get the very annoying point across.

Like this: Your cat post, “This Is My Cause!!!!” Internet Troll: “Well, you should know that new babies should never, ever be around cats because the cats smother them while they sleep. The cats try and SUCK THE MILK from the babies because cats like to SMOTHER BABIES and if you DON’T GET RID OF YOUR CAT, you’re basically saying that your BABY IS WORTHLESS and you should be sent to BABY JAIL if you do that you soulless ASSHOLE.

(never mind that you are a single 56 year old man without kids, because “This Is My CAUSE!!!!” Trolls don’t know anything about you or your life. Just their very, very irritating causes.)

The “WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN” Pseudo-Concern Trolls. These people are precisely as you’d imagine. They take any instance in which there might be an issue of perceived impropriety and exploit it.

Your cat post: “WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?”

The Emotionally-Charged Troll. These Internet Mole People pop up, usually in the form of some other type of troll, to make you feel bad by playing on your emotions.

Same cat post, “well, I HOPE you got that cat from a shelter because these (grim shelter statistics) cats die every year while breeders force cats to pop out kittens by the barrel and if you didn’t, you’re supporting that and really, you should make sure to always get an older cat because they are hardest to adopt.”

The Not A Troll, Trolls: Not everyone expressing a dissenting opinion on your website is an Internet Mole Person.

———–

That’s Your Aunt Becky’s guide to Internet Mole People, (I prefer that term because they’re people that pop up randomly to say stuff that makes you feel badly before retreating back to the holes to which they crawled out from), and I’m sure I’m missing some. So, Pranksters, FILL IT IN.

And as for YOU and your EVIL POST, you wicked bitch, the moderators at that site should have been watching to see that you didn’t get creamed. I don’t understand the logic behind allowing someone to submit or answer a question (or post), only to allow them to get their ass handed to them by Internet Mole People. As site admins, they should get YOUR back or, if they hate your question, NOT ACCEPT IT (my queue is backed up, which is why I haven’t gotten to YOUR question, Pranksters).

I know that’s what happens at a lot of those sites and it makes me sad. I cannot imagine submitting a serious question only to have 98 moms jump down my throat, telling me “U R doing it wrong ASSHOLE.” Because most days, I’m all too sure I’m doing it wrong. I don’t need Internet Mole People telling me so. There is a difference between answering a question and being deliberately cruel.

You’re not a terrible, horrible person. Not by a long shot.

Especially since I know that the next time you see another person getting their ass handed to them by a Mole Person, you’ll jump in to show them some kindness.

Internet Mole People can SUCK IT.

————–

Pranksters? What am I missing here?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

62 Responses to Go Ask Aunt Becky

  • Spot on! I think sport and political message boards are the worst.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Those are TERRIBLE. When I want to feel better about things (or worse, really), I read the news sites comments.

      They’re…illuminating. It’s like seeing how the other half lives.

  • Fran says:

    Lately I have gotten some comments on my blogs that are kind of like this: “I real like you blog write. Maybe you come join my site if please?” What shall we term those Aunt Becky?

  • Angela Vincent says:

    Dead on!!!! Should win the Blogging Pulitzer.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Hahaha! I love you.

      Internet Mole People are funny. Because there’s a delete key for a reason. Why subject yourself to that crap?

      • Angela Vincent says:

        The worst are the “MY Cause” peeps. Seriously, is “anglers for Autism” necessary to cram down the throats of everyone who pops up after a keyword search?” WTF?

      • Angela Vincent says:

        The worst are the “MY Cause” peeps. Seriously, is “anglers for Autism” necessary to cram down the throats of everyone who pops up after a keyword search?” WTF?

  • Dana says:

    Ohhhh! I do so love those little, ugly, hairless creatures … or NOT!

    I’ve got one for you, the “I used to be your blogger friend, but people like you too much so I am going to show them the TRUE you” mole.

    I’ve had a couple of these throughout my blogging “career” – one for almost two years now.

    Trolls – malicious trolls – are no fun. We all know it’s their problem – that if they felt better about themselves they wouldn’t feel the need to cut down others – and yet they can leave you weeping at your monitor in a fraction of a second.

    I believe there is a special place in hell for these people …

  • Susan says:

    Read all of Corinthians, because this once happened when I was 12 and COULD happen again! I know she’s a huge WHOR, but 9 out of 10 will be forced to live beyond their means, only you can help make the difference. All of these poor, poor children…

    That was fun! (I think I got ‘em all.)

  • megan says:

    Then there’s the Pot-Stirring Troll. They take your post about, say, your bad day at work, and say wildly outrageous things like “well, obviously your boss saw that you rolled your eyes during his presentation and that’s why he assigned you the work that Bob slacked on. You’re a dumbass for being annoyed about work, because at least you have a job, you ungrateful prick. Jobs are supposed to suck and the fact that you’re bitching about yours just shows that you’re a stupid cunt.” And of course, you never said anything about rolling your eyes during the presentation so not only is this troll looking to stir up trouble but he’ll make up whatever he needs to to do it.

    Those are the ones that really, really piss me off, the ones that make me wonder why I ever bother to read comments at all. Shockingly, some of the worst ones show up on cnn.com. Honestly, sometimes people just suck. That’s when I come read the comments here and make myself feel better. :-)

  • Pingback: Tweets that mention Go Ask Aunt Becky - Internet Trolls | Mommy Wants Vodka -- Topsy.com

  • CycleNinja says:

    Becky,

    “Pranksters? What am I missing here?”

    Do not feed the trolls. In other words, if you or anyone else gets slammed by a jackass, do NOT respond to their attack. At all. That’s the kind of response these schoolyard taunters who never grew up live for. Rather, shoot an email to the forum moderator to complain about the human oil slick who made the remark in the first place.

    And realize that there are some sites that are more civilized than others, and stick to where you know you can feel at home.

    • The Anonymous Asker says:

      Sometimes that is SOOO hard to do! Especially if it is somoeone you know pretending to be another person (like my abuse jerk soon-to-be ex pretending to be a woman named Sheila from TX on a Google forum…)
      It takes all my self-control not to bust him after that, but it’s what he wants, just like all Trolls: a conflict.
      Conflict sucks.

  • OMG…this totally happened to me. I wrote a funny story about circumcision and trolls came and compared me to people who “lynch” people. I was all like WTF because it was a very funny story. I suppose I should have just deleted them in retrospect.

    Great post Becks!!!!!

    From your pretty much best bud on Earth

  • Liz says:

    This is awesome. I think you about covered the entire troll realm.

    The only problem here is the use of proper grammar and spelling. Many trolls make it impossible to understand whatever they are talking about unless you are fluent in their troll language.

    For example, just go to YouTube and read the comment section on anything posted there. You are bound to find something entirely unintelligible.

  • I hope your cat likes government run health care, because that’s what he’s going to get now! Ha, ha! Stupid liberals!

  • Tershbango says:

    I personally have no issue with the trolls. Every time I’ve been assaulted by one, it’s actually incited my readers to rise to my defense and my traffic has increased. So take THAT, you stupid Trolls!

  • HereWeGoAJen says:

    How about “Didn’t Read the Post” trolls? They just skimmed and got an occasional keyword and then leave you a message on your post about cats saying something like “well, riding in cabs can be dangerous and I know I’d never do it with a baby in the car.” And you read the comment and think “no, cats, CATS.”

    I’d also like to submit “Well Meaning but REALLY Stupid.” I posted about something sad once, asking for support for a friend, and got some people who meant well, but said really stupid things that were hurtful. I mean, REALLY stupid.

  • Amber says:

    I hate internet trolls, they really get oh my nerves.. by the way, you have a little something special on my blog for you.

    amberlashell.com

  • The Resident Bitch says:

    Dude, SO TRUE. I’ve never understood why site admins don’t have people’s backs over stupid trash like that.

    I would just ignore them because, for the most part, these people just like to feel better about themselves so that they can feel superior to something. You have to try pretty hard to ask questions meant to offend people.

    And if that fails we can create a webby version of Whack-a-mole!

  • Your Aunt Becky
    Twitter: mommywantsvodka
    says:

    I SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT WHILE WE DISCUSSED MY FAKE CAT, MR. SPRINKLES, THERE ARE LEGLESS CHILDREN OUT THERE WHO ARE PROBABLY LOOKING FOR LEGS AND WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THEM, NOT MY FAKE CAT.

  • Hmmm, well Aunt Becky, this post makes a lot of good points but you didn’t even mention HOW THIS POST SUPPORTS DIAMOND MINING.

    THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

  • ugh! i have one of these on Facebook! she always takes things that i post and twists them. it’s whack. i may have to unfriend/block her.

  • andygirl says:

    They can suck it hard!

    I’ve been relatively lucky on my blog, but been attacked mercilessly elsewhere on the internet for a variety of my opinions and beliefs. I get it. it sucks. it can sting even when you logically know it shouldn’t. my advice? lithium. just kidding. I write about it. it helps to have an outlet for the crazy, because no way does it belong festering in your head.

  • Denise says:

    I will never understand the sick satisfaction trolls feel by being so mean.

    Becky, I love the way you illustrate their ridiculous crap. Spot on!

  • Denise says:

    I will never understand the sick satisfaction trolls feel by being so mean.

    Becky, I love the way you illustrate their ridiculous crap. Spot on!

  • Lanita says:

    I agree the “This is my cause” trolls are the worse. When they convert their internet trolling into personal emails, I get really pissed off. So my answer for them? When they won’t remove me from their email list, after asking nicely a number of times, I threaten to report them to the State Attorney General’s office. It stops them every time.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I’m not sure why these exist. The My Cause trolls, I mean.

      I get comments TO THIS DAY on a post I wrote about my daughter in the NICU and how the lactivist came and was a total asshole to me. I don’t give a shit what you think about breastfeeding, it wasn’t about nursing a baby. It wasn’t even about anyone ELSE wanting to nurse babies.

      But you know what? People come by and want to be all, “you know, breastfeeding, blah blah blah,” and then I get mad. Like spitting mad. Beyond mad. I can’t tell you how mad I get.

      They not only did not read what I wrote about my sick daughter, they used it as a platform for breastfeeding. That? Is bullshit.

  • Michele says:

    You know how I felt about the children. I guess the fact that I’ve started a non-profit that offers free or low cost counseling to children of bloggers who’ve been effected by the subject matter their parents have published makes me one of your trolls.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I really hope – really, really hope – that you’ve set up Facebook groups and email chains for this group. If you haven’t, you’re losing out on a whole group of people who can ignore you.

  • Brooke says:

    Love this. My first encounter with message board trolls was (I’m embarrassed to admit this) on a soap opera message board. They are vicious, mean, and I’m pretty sure that the only way they ever have the nerve to say (type) those sorts of things is behind their monitor/shield.

  • Dan Morrison says:

    Internet Mole People are BULSHIT!

  • Dan Morrison says:

    Not robot nor Internet mole people

  • Melissa says:

    GAH! Way back when Yahoo forums were actually FUN, I had a group of friends who initially just found a board and claimed it. Then the trolls came. At first we were all offended, then we rolled with it. Yahoo commenters IMO are the worst. I read comments there to make myself feel smart. And it works. EVERY TIME.

  • cali says:

    well said!! these ‘trolls’ are sad, miserable excuses for human beings!

  • Carri says:

    I hate the “I Only Like You If You Reciprocate Blogger” a-holes that write stupid blog comments. I spend lots of time neglecting my child to bring you all the mundane details of my life, and all you can write to me is, “Found you on blog hop. Follow me back!”?? Shut your face, troll.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Yeah, those people get old. Because really? Does that work? Like, um, hi, I thought I was writing to do something worthwhile, and you can just copy/paste a generic statement?

      Okay, that’s not really a comment. That’s called “spam.”

  • Katie says:

    This is so accurate it should be mandatory it is posted at the top of every single mommy message board in the entire world. Er, internet.

  • Keva says:

    You speak nothing but the truth…and the truth shall set them free. :-) and I must say I laughed literally about hell fire and your gonna burn and just go to hell now. Love it!

  • Keva says:

    You speak nothing but the truth…and the truth shall set them free. :-) and I must say I laughed literally about hell fire and your gonna burn and just go to hell now. Love it!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I’m all for religion and religious people and I have NO issue with it…until it becomes the topic of every mean, rude, unkind comment.

      Pretty sure Jesus wasn’t an asshole. So why don’t you stop being one?

  • I think you covered them all. I don’t know if you have ever heard of it, but there is a very astute theory which covers the whole range of trolls on the internet and explains their behavior.

    It is called John Gabriel’s Greater Internet Dickwad Theory. It goes something like this:
    Normal Person + Anonymity + Audience = TOTAL DICKWAD

    Check it out: http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2004/3/19/

  • Aunt Becky, as a former moderator at a busy community blog, I tried to recall all of the terrible Internet Mole People we’ve had to deal with.

    I think you’ve covered every one except for the “Bomb those A**Holes back to the Stone Age!” troll. I mean, you could be talking about a recipe for marzipan and the troll will spew his filth in the comments.

    I would be like, “Who, the Italians? Or the Portuguese? Or just about any country on the planet that uses marzipan? This troll is so bleeping stoopid.”

    The only other thing I want to add is that moderators have to ensure that the power of deleting comments doesn’t go to their heads. Like you said at the end, not every dissenting opinion comes from the mind of a Troll.

    Cheers,

    Mitch

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Oh I FORGOT about those assholes. Loves them!

      And you’re totally right. It’s easy to be all HAHAHAHA! I HAVE THE POWER TO DELETE YOU! But you have to remember that it’s okay for the Internet not to agree with you. But to be cruel…that’s not okay. Period.

  • Stephanie C says:

    By the way, I was totally joking.

    And apparently I cannot spell ‘neutered’.

    And Bob Barker still IS alive! He just ALMOST died when they replaced his awesome self with that Drew Carey goof.

  • HA HA HA HA!!!!! love it.

    now i gotta go Breast feed my Llama while preaching about eternal damnation. toodles :)

  • Kathykate says:

    i got beat up recently by enraged Abercrombie loving feminists… but Twitter to the rescue! Blogging pros set me straight, and your post here reiterates that asswipes are asswipes, whether moles or trolls or bullies. Thx for reassurance for newbies to trolling moles; and as always, it’s not us, it’s them!

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

      Your first line has me in STITCHES. Screw assholes. Seriously, screw them.

      And remember this: ALL of us get our feelers hurt. Anyone who hasn’t is lying. Or not doing it right.

  • Kyddryn says:

    Is it wrong that throughout the entire post, I just wanted to know what the original question was that provoked Trollish response?? ‘Cause I totally want to know what could make complete strangers act like assholes towards someone honest enough to look for help/opinions from others because they don’t have an answer for themselves. Sigh.

    Shade and Sweetwater,
    K

  • Babbalou says:

    Here’s what really kills me – I occasionally make a comment on an article on the internet, writing a carefully considered opinion on the topic being discussed. No profanity, not off-topic, not mean-spirited, just a thoughtful opinion. And I get a response that my comment is “pending review” or something of the sort. Meanwhile, there’s a boatload of incomprehensible, inarticulate, off-topic, profanity-laced, racist ignorant comments that are posted for all the world to see. So what’s with the review? Is there really a review or are they teasing me?

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I wonder about that all the time. My spam filter is fairly aggressive and occasionally blacklists real people (and allows SPAM to get through).

      But, on those? Maybe it’s because you haven’t posted before.

  • kittyn says:

    I’m late to the game on this one, but the idiot (not quite) trolls whose response to everything less than perfect on mommy boards is always OMGZ! CALL CPS!!!

    Seriously. I’ve had to deal with CPS on two of my top five parent fail days (only two times I’ve ever had to deal with the, bte). It’s bullshit to suggest calling CPS every time someone posts about something parenting wise that you disagree with.

    Of course this subset of Internet Mole People is confined to Mommy Boards (I hope).

  • Enjoy your llama!

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