After reading your blog for a while, I know you’re familiar with The Crazy. Since I don’t know a lot of people personally who really get it, I’d love your advice on recovery. Long story short, I have a great life – wonderful husband, three amazing daughters, the opportunity to stay home full time, etc.
The past two years have been bullshit. I developed anxiety/panic disorder while pg with baby #3, which I’m still dealing with. I’m better than I was a few months back, thanks to therapy and meds, but life events have not helped at all (the biggest one being the death of my 6 yr old niece, who was born with a terminal illness.) I have to fight with phobias and hypochondria on a daily basis. Of course, I feel guilty to complain since I know there are others who have been dealt worse cards – but this is MY Hell, so it sucks shit through a straw to ME. I still don’t feel like “the real me”, and I’m not sure I ever will.
I’m sick of it. I want my life back. So I ask you, as someone who has been through a similar process: What advice would you give someone who is hoping to get themselves back is the New Year?
Thanks for listening,
Oh Prankster, I so get it and I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I wish like hell shit wasn’t so fucking hard sometimes. I’ll spare you the platitudes because they’re bullshit and if you wanted one, you could get it crocheted on a pillow or something. Sometimes, life is just fucking tough. And then, when you think it can’t get worse? It totally does.
It’s an asshole like that.
Luckily, eventually it stops and you learn to roll with the ups and downs because, well, we’re adaptable.
But you, you sound like you’re on your way to where you need to be. You’ve realized that there’s a problem which, as we all know, is the first step. It SOUNDS trite, but it’s not. Pinning down what it is that’s wrong is hard – harder than people give proper credit. So props to you for that.
Acknowledging that I was sick to fucking death of pretending I was someone that I wasn’t was huge for me. Mentally ditching all of the excess baggage, all of the old ties I didn’t need to people who didn’t deserve my love or loyalty, examining my relationships to see them as they really are, those were all things I had to do to figure out who the fuck Aunt Becky really is and what she stood for.
But it was also kinda empowering. Because knowing I was able to fix this, that I could actually control my own happiness and fix my own emotions; that’s a big revelation. I was in charge of my happiness. I was. Me. Your Aunt Becky. In charge of her happiness.
I started with small things.
An orchid plant or three. Some time in my garden alone with my headphones. My phoenix tattoo (that was like 64 kajillion sessions). Creating Mushroom Printing. Then Band Back Together. Getting my hair cut. Walking around Target alone for half an hour. Taking a long drive.
Small things. Small things that made me happy.
I’ve done a lot of crying, too. I can’t believe my eyeballs haven’t exploded, actually. Somehow, I’m still here. More or less intact. You’ll make it, too. I promise. I’m so sure that I made you something. Something to help you along the way. No one should have to walk through The Shit alone when there’s so much good in the world. I know that because I see it all the time here with my Pranksters and over at Band Back Together.
I made you a present. It’s over on Band Back Together.
Go on, go see it. All of you. It’s for everyone – bloggers or not – to join.
You will find yourself again. It may take a lot longer than you’d like and it may suck a lot harder than you think is fair, but you’re in there. I know it.
Sending you a big ass hug without a platitude. Because platitudes are bullshit.
So, Pranksters, do you have any advice to offer? I know that she and I are not the only two people in the universe who have been in this situation before. How have you found yourself after you’ve been lost for some time?
Also: JOIN THE WORLD TOUR, YO.