You know what? It’s DAMN hard to write about nice charity things. It was way easier to write about my ongoing war with John C. Mayer. You’ll be glad to note, Pranksters, that I have resumed my war with John C. Mayer.
I just thought I should mention that Pulling a John C. Mayer and being a snarky asshole is a hell of a lot easier than Pulling a The David Cook for Charity. And it’s a shame, too. I really do like The David Cook and John C. Mayer makes my vagina hurt with his douchiness.
That said, I’ll allow a couple more days to win a years worth of motherfucking ice cream for motherfucking charity. Who gives a fucking shit if you’re fucking polite about it and fucking shit? We can be charitable without being all vanilla. And shit.
Dear Aunt Becky,
What would you do if every (almost) morning you get to work there is a human pubic hair on your desk? Most often, one.singular.hair. – Aside from puke in your mouth.
Fact – It’s not mine, for sure! Aside from my overgardening in the pubic region, I don’t generally gear down at work and rub my box on my desk.
There is nothing – and I mean not even listening to the collective works of John C. Mayer – that is worse than finding a rogue pubic hair floating around your space that doesn’t belong to you. Whenever I find one that is very distinctly not my own, I’m horrified and then I have to tell someone that I found it (God knows I need a muzzle).
Here is my question, Prankster: is it the same type of pube? Because that changes my answer entirely. If someone is plucking a singular pube from their crotch every night and arranging it neatly on your desk, well, perhaps they are trying to say, “Hey, I like you, let me show you my genital hair!” Maybe this suitor leaves a single pube instead of a rose!
That’s a very special way of saying how much he loves you! “Let’s get a drink! I’m showing you my pubes first!”
If it is not the same type of pube, if you are getting many different -single – daily pube deposits, well, it appears that you have many special suitors. They all want you to see their crotchal regions before you agree to have a drink with them. Aren’t you so lucky!
Or, perhaps you have a Pube Fairy at work. In which case I suggest you buy a shotgun and a trap. Those fuckers are assholes.
(P.S. I am declaring “Pube” as the new insult. Also: “Crotch”)(because, obviously)
Dear Aunt Becky,
I cannot remember how I got to your Website, I think it was Bloggess, but I could be wrong. But that is not my question or even really important, sometimes I forget to start with the pertinent items. Your site, which is way amusing and appreciated by me leaves me with one question. I hate to ask, ’cause your entire post makes me think I really should know the answer.
Who is this John C. Mayer? Is it the same guy who talked about J.Simpson as sexual Napalm and who seems to have J. Aniston on booty call speed dial? If not, is this some other surname for John C. Maxwell that I haven’t heard of? I need to know, ’cause I’m waiting to read your archives until I find out in advance if you like these asshats.
Oh Prankster, no day is complete without a rousing discussion of John C. Mayer. (I do not, however, know who this John C. Maxwell is, so perhaps you could enlighten me).
John C. Mayer is an extremely talented guitar player who wrote one of the worst songs in the world: “Your Body is a Wonderland.” It may have passed under my radar as only “acutely annoying” if I hadn’t had to listen to it 52,897 while every XX chromosome I knew cried about how beautiful it was.
It was not beautiful. It was stupid. It made me want to heave.
I waged war on John C. Mayer for being a douchy pop star for years. Turns out, he’s actually kind of witty and pretty funny.
Recently, he’s been in the news for making completely inappropriate comments about his penis, and while I appreciate penis comments, even I balked at them. He is the one who called Jessica Simpson “sexual napalm” which is something I cannot actually understand. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I’ve spent nights awake in bed wondering.
WHAT DOES SEXUAL NAPALM MEAN?!?
John C. Mayer is sort of my playful archenemy. It’s always important to have a fake archenemy who has no idea you exist, right?
hey Aunt Becky,
What are your views on porn? How much is too much?
Also, why is casting for Celebrity Rehab so unpredictable? I can’t tell if it’s still a show or when the new season starts. Can’t there be a minor league for instant call up? Always seemed like such a deep, rich vein of TV reality gold .
I find that porn is like bacon: there’s always room for more.
Porn + Porn = full of the awesome.
Unless you have a porn addiction in which case it’s probably not so much full of the awesome.
Also: really don’t need to see close-ups of the ballbags, porn makers. Just, you know, thought I’d throw that in there. Testicle skin looks a lot like chicken skin and while I find it absolutely hilarious, it’s not so much arousing as it is amusing.
Also Also: I just made sure that every male reader will never, ever want to have sex with me.
Also Also Also: Balls are awesome.
And I don’t understand Celebrity Rehab. I’ve never watched it. I’m certain my Pranksters will happily discuss it with you, though.
As always, Pranksters, please pick up where I left off in the comments. Your questions can be always be submitted to Go Ask Aunt Becky.
The Pulling a David Cook for Charity post is here.
And Band Back Together, for any of you who wanted to put your charity posts up on that site, is here.