The David Cook

You know what? It’s DAMN hard to write about nice charity things. It was way easier to write about my ongoing war with John C. Mayer. You’ll be glad to note, Pranksters, that I have resumed my war with John C. Mayer.

I just thought I should mention that Pulling a John C. Mayer and being a snarky asshole is a hell of a lot easier than Pulling a The David Cook for Charity. And it’s a shame, too. I really do like The David Cook and John C. Mayer makes my vagina hurt with his douchiness.

That said, I’ll allow a couple more days to win a years worth of motherfucking ice cream for motherfucking charity. Who gives a fucking shit if you’re fucking polite about it and fucking shit? We can be charitable without being all vanilla. And shit.

Dear Aunt Becky,

What would you do if every (almost) morning you get to work there is a human pubic hair on your desk? Most often, one.singular.hair. – Aside from puke in your mouth.

Fact – It’s not mine, for sure! Aside from my overgardening in the pubic region, I don’t generally gear down at work and rub my box on my desk.

There is nothing – and I mean not even listening to the collective works of John C. Mayer – that is worse than finding a rogue pubic hair floating around your space that doesn’t belong to you. Whenever I find one that is very distinctly not my own, I’m horrified and then I have to tell someone that I found it (God knows I need a muzzle).

Here is my question, Prankster: is it the same type of pube? Because that changes my answer entirely. If someone is plucking a singular pube from their crotch every night and arranging it neatly on your desk, well, perhaps they are trying to say, “Hey, I like you, let me show you my genital hair!” Maybe this suitor leaves a single pube instead of a rose!

That’s a very special way of saying how much he loves you! “Let’s get a drink! I’m showing you my pubes first!”

If it is not the same type of pube, if you are getting many different -single – daily pube deposits, well, it appears that you have many special suitors. They all want you to see their crotchal regions before you agree to have a drink with them. Aren’t you so lucky!

Or, perhaps you have a Pube Fairy at work. In which case I suggest you buy a shotgun and a trap. Those fuckers are assholes.

(P.S. I am declaring “Pube” as the new insult. Also: “Crotch”)(because, obviously)

Dear Aunt Becky,

I cannot remember how I got to your Website, I think it was Bloggess, but I could be wrong.  But that is not my question or even really important, sometimes I forget to start with the pertinent items.  Your site, which is way amusing and appreciated by me leaves me with one question.  I hate to ask, ’cause your entire post makes me think I really should know the answer.

Who is this John C. Mayer?  Is it the same guy who talked about J.Simpson as sexual Napalm and who seems to have J. Aniston on booty call speed dial?  If not, is this some other surname for John C. Maxwell that I haven’t heard of?  I need to know, ’cause I’m waiting to read your archives until I find out in advance if you like these asshats.

Thanx!

Oh Prankster, no day is complete without a rousing discussion of John C. Mayer. (I do not, however, know who this John C. Maxwell is, so perhaps you could enlighten me).

John C. Mayer is an extremely talented guitar player who wrote one of the worst songs in the world: “Your Body is a Wonderland.” It may have passed under my radar as only “acutely annoying” if I hadn’t had to listen to it 52,897 while every XX chromosome I knew cried about how beautiful it was.

It was not beautiful. It was stupid. It made me want to heave.

I waged war on John C. Mayer for being a douchy pop star for years. Turns out, he’s actually kind of witty and pretty funny.

Recently, he’s been in the news for making completely inappropriate comments about his penis, and while I appreciate penis comments, even I balked at them. He is the one who called Jessica Simpson “sexual napalm” which is something I cannot actually understand. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I’ve spent nights awake in bed wondering.

WHAT DOES SEXUAL NAPALM MEAN?!?

John C. Mayer is sort of my playful archenemy. It’s always important to have a fake archenemy who has no idea you exist, right?

hey Aunt Becky,

What are your views on porn? How much is too much?

Also, why is casting for Celebrity Rehab so unpredictable? I can’t tell if it’s still a show or when the new season starts. Can’t there be a minor league for instant call up? Always seemed like such a deep, rich vein of TV reality gold .

I find that porn is like bacon: there’s always room for more.

Porn + Porn = full of the awesome.

Unless you have a porn addiction in which case it’s probably not so much full of the awesome.

Also: really don’t need to see close-ups of the ballbags, porn makers. Just, you know, thought I’d throw that in there. Testicle skin looks a lot like chicken skin and while I find it absolutely hilarious, it’s not so much arousing as it is amusing.

Also Also: I just made sure that every male reader will never, ever want to have sex with me.

Also Also Also: Balls are awesome.

And I don’t understand Celebrity Rehab. I’ve never watched it. I’m certain my Pranksters will happily discuss it with you, though.

————————

As always, Pranksters, please pick up where I left off in the comments. Your questions can be always be submitted to Go Ask Aunt Becky.

The Pulling a David Cook for Charity post is here.

And Band Back Together, for any of you who wanted to put your charity posts up on that site, is here.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

31 Responses to Go Ask Aunt Becky

  • Donda says:

    I just want to know if someone is dusting the keyboard with their penis? A stiffer is not the same as a swiffer!

  • Wicked Shawn says:

    So much goodness!!!

    Numerous pubes on the workplace! Clear sign of deep affection from workplace stalker. Get thee straight to a tazer store, then straight off to a Best Buy for a pocket video camera. Only because I NEED to see the video of you tazing the stalker. Sorry, I’m selfish like that.

    John C Mayer, the Sexual Napalm comment always makes me think of Apocalypse Now, “I love the smell of napalm in the morning”, only, somehow that makes the movie somewhat pornish……

    Which leads me to…..
    total agreement on balls on film…..too much is never a good thing..flash them and move on. Seriously, especially when they are in, well, can we just say, ummmm, a shriveled state? *shudder*

  • Maria says:

    Oh gawd. I am dying here. NOW I understand the tweet about pubes/spellcheck. I also want to know what the pube arrangement is. Is someone having the secks on her desk at night, or just leavin’ her a pube?

    John C. Mayer I hate to say…we have the CD that came out in…uhhh…I guess like mehbe 2006 or something and I likes it a lot. I really don’t understand what sexual napalm is. But I do wonder…J.Simpson was the one that was all about remaining “pure” until marriage. I guess once you get divorced, all bets are off? Dunno. Not that I agree/care, just seemed weird. Like it was just some technicality to abide by rather than an actual value (which ya know, even if I don’t agree I might respect it at least.)

    Who EVAR wants to see a ballzack?

  • Maria says:

    OK so see? I just spent a bunch of time writing a reply about pubes, John C. Mayber and ballzacks, and it’s not here. Seriously annoying! My comment about my screaming banshee on the baby sign post never did show up, though my post about my comment not showing up did??

  • It is not that I do not feel compassion for the pubic hair prankster but the other day I was at a bootcamp class at the gym. I went down for a push up and saw someone else’s BOOGER on my mat!! People are gross. i would do the same thing I did at the gym.BLOW LIKE HELL!! And hope if flys away.

  • Ann says:

    There is no end to topping yourself Aunt Becky! I cannot imagine a more perfect response to rogue pube hair dilemma.

  • SharleneT says:

    Although the erect tentpole is quite impressive, the ballzack is, well, it’s, uh, I mean, uh, even at its best it’s so unimpressive… geez, we know where the little swimmers are but there’s nothing exciting about it… even for keeping tempo, it’s like beating a drum with a Kleenex… no more pix, please… Could you take care of that, Aunt Becky, please… Thank you, very much… And, when that’s done, come visit…

  • Dr. Cynicism says:

    I would love to think that reader actually did not know who John C. Mayer is. It makes my soul just a little bit lighter to know that there may still be innocent creatures out there that haven’t yet been exposed to his toxic frat boy 3-chord radio drivel. Should we start a “stay innocent” campaign?

  • amy says:

    I have been actually wondering if John C Mayer and the singer I know as John Mayer are the same, one I am thinking of sings who says you can’t get stoned, which I love..

    The pube thing is totally gross ICK,

    watching porn and watching sports are the same, I rather just do it myself than just be a spectator lol

  • One day, there shall be a porn movie made of your blog. And then the combination of John C. Mayer and rogue public hairs will make perfect sense.

  • magpie says:

    so glad you gave us more time, because i missed your noon CST deadline.

  • Melissa says:

    You left a pube in my cube.. What a wonderful way of showing me how much you love me….

  • Phil_E_Girl says:

    As always you have made me pee myself from laughing so hard! I would like to thank my 3 kids for my weak bladder muscles….I can’t sneeze and stay dry either!
    I’d like to address the “pubes” issue…. NANNY CAM! Get the sick desk fucker on video!
    Aunt Becky I have to agree with you about John C. Mayer, his song sucked and he is an overall douche from what I hear. A local radio station ran a contest to meet him because he is supposed to try and screw every woman he has contact with. I think his comment about Jessica Simpson meant she can destroy and sexual feelings, all she has to do is speak and kill the moment.
    Let talk porn…. it is like shoes, what ever makes you happy and fits you. Others may not like or fit in the same shoes as you so it is important to find out what your partner likes. Someone that enjoys boots may be very uncomfortable in pointy toed 4 inch stilettos.

  • Caron says:

    I also had no idea who John C. Mayer was…is…whatever.

  • Sharon says:

    Thank you, other John-C-Mayer-oblivious commenters. Thanks to you, I no longer suffer the shame of not knowing who he is.

  • The answer to your question is the movie American Gangster. (In that movie they made the women who cut the drugs all work naked so they couldn’t smuggle any drugs out.) The company who cleans your offices has the same policy for their employees. Therefore all their cleaning people must work buck naked to prevent theft from the various offices. Now the biggest thing they can steal is a stapler. Aren’t you relieved? You might suggest they wear hairnets though.

  • andygirl says:

    no no no. you have it wrong. porn + bacon = awesome. dur.

    I’m thinking pube desk is the victim of some night time desk lovin’. and two people are getting it on on the desk (which is kind of forgivable) or one person is (which is kind of creepy). I’m also a germophobe, so I’d get me one of those lights that shows gross emissions and shit and see what else is on the desk. then I’d sterilize it. then I’d leave a note for emissions leaver with some kind of realistic but terrifying threat. then I’d electrocute my desk at night. maybe not that last one (but I’d want to).

  • Bell says:

    I was told yesterday I was no longer allowed to refer to penises, and my boyfriend’s in particular, as “cute.” The fact that I include the balls in this caused your response to make me giggle.

  • AmberLaShell says:

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  • Kristin
    Twitter: dragondream
    says:

    really don’t need to see close-ups of the ballbags, porn makers. Just, you know, thought I’d throw that in there. Testicle skin looks a lot like chicken skin and while I find it absolutely hilarious, it’s not so much arousing as it is amusing.

    This had both my husband and I laughing out loud.

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  • Wii says:

    John C. Mayer is the never ending pube in my ear.

  • MandyMoore says:
  • Pat Vermont says:

    I don’t generally gear down at work and rub my box on my desk is the funniest thing I have read all day. It’s also the sexiest. I don’t read much.

  • Deidra says:

    :happy sigh: This blog just makes me happy. :)

    Pubes! lol You actually distracted me from a videogame talking about that. I had to read half of it aloud just for shock value!

  • Chopper Papa says:

    Straight up ace post! The whole pube issue is stomach churning for two reasons (1) that it’s happening, when did “hey!” become such a problem? (2) that douchey has a pube long enough to be so visibly obvious. Last i heard, Sherwood Forest was out.

    As for John Mayer, even on pain of life in prison, if given the opportunity I would without hesitation stab that fool in the neck with the most available sharp object….ugh! Few men have done so much to set manhood back so far.

    Only gay men think ball sacks are hot…

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