Dear Aunt Becky,
So, I’ve been single for over three years. I’ve dated a couple of guys here and there, but haven’t found any that I “click” with or even enjoy after being around them a handful of times. It’s been over seven years since I met someone that made me feel all squishy inside and that relationship ended horribly after only four years.
I’m nearing thirty (very, very nearing), which isn’t old, but it feels like as I get older, I just don’t find many men attractive anymore. If I meet one that likes me (which happens decently often it seems), I’m usually not interested or become disinterested incredibly fast.
Is this normal? I’m not looking to jump into a relationship, marriage, or have kids. I’m just looking for someone that I actually *feel* something for and want to spend time with every so often. It’d be a breath of fresh air, because I’m starting to feel like it just isn’t going to happen anymore.
I know these seem like crazy thoughts, but I was wondering if anyone else experienced the same thing? I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and becoming the crazy cat lady who never leaves her home.
Some background: I’m attractive, work out, have an excellent job and am well-educated, I don’t have high standards (I will give almost any man a first date just because he had the balls to ask me) or expectations. I do a decent amount of varying social activities, so I’m not limited in where I would meet men. I just don’t seem to connect with anyone, even when they’re great guys.
Am I not giving them enough time to grow on me? Am I expecting a connection in the beginning when there doesn’t always have to be? In my experience, no connection in the beginning means no connection later on. Am I wrong?
Frustrated, confused, and missing that loving feeling.
Well, Prankster, I’ve enlisted The Daver AND my homie The Next Martha to help me with this question because Your Aunt Becky isn’t the best at answering dating advice, and we all have some advice for you. Hopefully, my Pranksters will also be able to fill in the gaps.
First, I’d offer up my own words of wisdom (which, frankly, is worth cat shit in a bag): the times when you’re LEAST looking for a relationship is always when they manage to find you. There’s something about when you’re alone and really comfortable in your aloneness that really seems to attract that one special person. So I’d say that perhaps getting nice and comfortable with yourself is the way to be.
The Daver pointed out that perhaps you’re dismissing the people you’re going out on dates with too soon to decide if you have a real connection with them. He also thinks that maybe you need to be more choosy about the people you go on dates with (so that you value the dates more).
The Next Martha thinks that maybe you have some unresolved issues with your ex-boyfriend that you may have to work through before you can move on to successfully date again.
So there you have it: three different people with three different sets of advice for you. Ignore what you hate, take what you like, and hopefully my very brilliant Pranksters will fill in where we left off.
Good luck, Prankster.
Dear Aunt Becky,
I come seeking advise from thee, oh wise and great one.
Basically my family does DRAMA. Most of the time in a good, snarky, crack you up laughing at something really twisted sort of way. But lately… its gotten a bit complicated and every time I come to town it gets WORSE.
Long story short: Me, my Hub, and the wee one live 1000 miles from my folks, my sister, bro in law and nieces.
Base conflict: One of my nieces is special needs, as part of my sister’s reaction to this she has become ULTRA SCHEDULED. She is all about the plans and the control. Things do not go well when the plans get dissed. Understandable but frustrating b/c my sister is a very intense, relentless type person, which is good in some ways and tiring in others.
My parents have both survived multiple rounds of cancer. They now refuse to get worked up when plans fall through. They just roll with it. This makes them a bit flakey but lowers their stress. I tend to be more like my folks and try to roll with things.
Needless to say my sister does NOT handle the flake well. Most of the time they just deal with it. When it becomes a MAJOR problem is when I come to town.
Because apparently I am a hotter commodity than chocolate in a PMS convention and so lots and lots of plans are formed when I come to town. Some times one group does not even inform the other groups that plans have been formed.
But either way the melt down that will ensue regardless of whether the dissage was informed or not is a sight mighty to behold.
And honestly its getting REALLY old. Its almost never personal when the plans get dissed. I do love my sister and want to see her. I also wouldn’t mind getting some one on one time with my Mom. But the sis seems to take this personal.
Any suggestions on how to defuse the situation? B/c the repeated melt downs almost make me wanna NOT go home and they rob so much of the joy from my trip.
I don’t wanna cause drama. I just wanna see my family. I’ve even said this and it hasn’t made a dent apparently.
And so in my extremely verbose fashion I seek wisdom from the great and glorious Aunt Becky (bytheway – have you lost weight? Cuz dang girl!!).
Gonna Beat ‘Em ALL Down and Be Done With It
Prankster, you’re making MY head spin with this, so I can only imagine how this would be for you to deal with. Your Aunt Becky needs a drink (or thirty) right now just to type this response.
So, it sounds as though your sister needs concrete plans for the days that you’ll see her. I understand that. I have kids on a rigid schedule, too, and that makes sense. Flakiness is hard to handle for us, because our time-table is fairly, well, rigid. You should make sure that you make the plans with her ahead of time and stick with them first and foremost. If everyone else is more laid back, then plans with her will be the ones that are most important to be on time.
As for the rest of the time, maybe it’s wise to schedule it out BEFORE you leave for the trip with the people who will want to see you if you’re interested in avoiding The Dramaz. This way, you’ll know on X Day this is the plan-ish. If they fall through, okay, but that’s the plan for the day. Then there’s not so much up-in-the-air-ness about the whole situation and if your sister can make it to the events that are planned–great–if not, okay.
Sometimes plans change. It’s hard for those of us with special needs kids to accept that the rest of the world doesn’t live like we do. It just is.
But maybe if you can do a lot to get it planned out ahead of time, it might save you some grief during the vacation.
I hope it helps.
Pranksters, I’d love your take on it.
As always, please fill in where I left off in the comments. And feel free to submit your burningest questions to Go Ask Aunt Becky button at the top of the screen.