Go Ask Aunt Becky
Dear Aunt Becky,
Girl, I need advice.
I’m 28, have never married, and do not have any children – although I am hopeful for both in the future. So here’s the dilemma. I have been dating the same fellow for the last 3 months. Pretty early on I picked up from his conversations with other people that he had a daughter from a previous relationship, but he never spoke about her with me.
I should clarify that it was apparent who this mystery person X was, although she was never referred to by her status as his child, only by her first name, so it took a few instances of her being brought up before I caught on who this person X really was.
Although I don’t have children, I understand that being a dating parent must come with complications I don’t have to typically face as a childless dater. So I tried to be patient and let him tell me in his own time. However, after 2 ½ months of exclusive dating my patience had worn thin. We had become physically intimate; he had introduced me to his parents; he had dropped the L bomb. But he still hadn’t brought up his daughter.
So I did. I tried to do so gently, and with an open mind. I asked him why he never mentioned his daughter. His excuse? He had meant to, but had apparently procrastinated too long. And within a week of that conversation he was planning a whole Easter weekend with me meeting not only his daughter (who he was seeing for the first time since Christmas), but his whole extended family over the course of 2 days. I expressed my discomfort with the speed of meeting everyone – particularly his daughter — but he ignored it.
And now I am disenchanted with the whole relationship. To top it off, his custody situation is changing and he will have his daughter every second weekend, so I feel I should decide whether or not I want to continue dating him asap before I establish a significant relationship with his daughter.
Please stop me if I’ve just hopped on the crazy train, but really, shouldn’t the child have come up sooner? I am having a hard time letting go of this. He never explicitly denied having a child, but I still feel lied to.
And seriously, how do you just forget that you ought to mention you have a child? Seriously? (My head is spinning here, a la the exorcist.) And now that the dynamic of our relationship and how and when we spend time together is going to change pretty drastically as his daughter becomes a bigger presence in his life. I’m not sure if I should continue to be a part of his life. What makes me really sad is that I’m actually ok with dating someone who has a child in principle. But I’m not sure I want to date someone who feels the need to ‘hide’ them from prospective partners.
Advice please!
Many, many years ago I met someone who had The Sex with a random girl in a tent at a party. Later, when asked if he was going to call the girl he said, “Absolutely not.” She had a kid, you see, and she didn’t mention it to him, and in his words, “anyone who doesn’t bring up their kid before having sex isn’t someone you call later on.”
That girl wasn’t me, because the kid was like 8 or something and she was some ho-bag (per this guy), but to me, I can’t imagine why the hell someone wouldn’t choose to bring up their child. I got your email and rolled it around in my pea brain and simply couldn’t think of a single good reason why this could happen with someone I’d want to continue dating.
My kid wasn’t something I was ashamed of, even when I was 21 and freshly single. Like, my kid is cool, you know? Sure, it maybe didn’t make me the world’s most eligible co-ed, but you know what? THEIR LOSS. My kid and I, WE were going to be fine with or without you.
(and we were)
And really, that should kinda be his attitude.
If I were you, I’d probably sit him the fuck down and tell him that this is really bothering you. Make it clear that it’s not that he has a kid, but that he didn’t mention that he had one. That should have been a Date 1 or Date 2 conversation. I’m sure the relationship with Baby Momma is rough because hi, they always are, but you know what? If he loves you and you love him, you’ll work it out.
So my advice is to have an honest heart-to-heart with him before his daughter moves in because you owe it to that child to have the slate wiped clean before you meet her. Her dad was the one being a dip-shit, not her.
I still don’t understand his logic and it makes me uncomfortable, but I’m also willing to discuss my bowel movements with The Internet, so maybe I’m Captain Overshare over here.
Pranksters? Your thoughts?
Dear Aunt Becky,
What do you do when you are too tired to live properly, let alone find joy? I mean, do you ever have those days when you sit on the toilet longer than necessary because you are too tired to even wipe your own ass?
I have a great life, and I’m already on Zoloft…so more pharmaceuticals are out.
What do YOU do?
Sincerely,
Sleepy Sarah
Fuck, girl, you’re talking to the person who is considering a recreational speed habit just to make it through the day. Between the Topamax (street name in MY house “The Max”) and the screaming children, I’m counting down the moments until I can go on my cruise.
(aside, it’s mostly the Topamax that causes, per my neurologist “cognitive impairment.” Street name: “makes you dumber-er”)
Your Zoloft might actually be making you sleepy. You might want to consider a change to a different drug because so many of the SSRI’s are similar enough to provide you with relief from your depression (I’m assuming it’s depression) while reducing the unwanted side effects. It’s something worth mentioning to your doctor because I know that feeling well. I considered napping at Target today!
If it’s not that, or if you don’t want to tweak it, which I TOTALLY get, try giving yourself a wee time-out in your bedroom. Just 5 minutes. Alone. Lay down, turn off the lights and listen to some music and just relax. It’s quite rejuvenating.
Barring that, have some more of The Sex because OBVIOUSLY. Wait, no, just have more of The Sex, anyway even if it’s with yourself.
Also, make sure to cut some time out of every day for yourself. I don’t mean like plan an extravagant spa day or something because really, who has the fucking time? (answer: no one I know) but, you know, something you can look forward to.Something that makes you feel good about yourself.
Buy some makeup that makes you feel pretty and wear it, or paint your toenails, or go and walk around Target alone for half an hour. I have this thing that I do, where I try and buy myself something that makes me feel good about myself every week. Baby steps, girl. Baby steps.
It’s hard, and I’m sorry. Anyone who ever says that life is always easy is full of bullshit or so heavily medicated that I want the name of their doctor RIGHT NOW.
If none of those work, I’ll go halvesies on some speed with you.
——————-
As always, Pranksters, please pick up where I left off in the comments. Because, OBVIOUSLY.
I’m about to get married and am due with our first child in September, but I’ve always been told that kids come with their parents as a package deal. If you have a child, crazy baby momma/daddy or not, they are still in your life and you should mention that on the first date, to allow the other person to decide whether they want to invest in the relationship or not. Its not the kids fault. And hey, if someone doesn’t like the fact you have a child? Tooooo bad for them.
I’m about to get married and am due with our first child in September, but I’ve always been told that kids come with their parents as a package deal. If you have a child, crazy baby momma/daddy or not, they are still in your life and you should mention that on the first date, to allow the other person to decide whether they want to invest in the relationship or not. Its not the kids fault. And hey, if someone doesn’t like the fact you have a child? Tooooo bad for them.
i’ll go thirdsies on the speed with you! as for the Sex – i’m too freakin tired to even think about it…
Anti-Depressants are almost as bad as depression! I went on Lexapro due to some really bad shit with my ex-husband, and while it totally helped, and given the situation to do over, I’d probably still take it, but getting off that shit sucked. I did have to try several different anti-depressants before my insurance would cover Lexapro (step therapy!) and Lexapro sucked the least of all of them. I remember the generic prozac totally made me a zombie, but the lexapro wasn’t a bitch until I tried to stop taking it, then I was getting dizzy spells and shit like that. And rebound headaches. But I know the different brands work differently on different people, so I second what Aunt Becky said about another brand /formulation…just make sure your doc’s not trying to put you on Abilify! That is NOT a SSRI, it’s a freakin’ atypical antipsychotic with a side effect of permanent tremors. Every time the commercial for it comes on, I want to lobby for regulation of drug commercials.
My favorite website ever since I started studying to be a pharmacist is drugs.com, here’s a list of some common drugs associated with depression. http://www.drugs.com/condition/depression.html
They also have user ratings, which I’d take with a grain of salt! The site’s got some good info about the drugs though.
Becky, I also ride the Topomax train, and can’t remember crap. Names of restaurants, where I left my keys, where I parked, if I fed the dog, chemical formulas I need to pass my class…good times. But, without it, I was getting 4-5 blinding, barfing migraines a week, I figured I wasn’t in any state to remember any of that shit then either! Plus I’ve lost 30 pounds so far, which was needed!
Walking around Target alone is quite rejuvenating! I try to indulge at least once a week. Nothing quite like a browse, some starbucks and new nail polish/shampoo/ lube/lipgloss/etc to make you feel a bit more like you.
To the young lady with the ‘disappearing/reappearing daughter issue’ – I’m gonna quote my Momma here….RUN FAR, AND RUN FAST. The end. (you know Momma’s know best…)
To say the boyfriend has issues is an understatement. If his own flesh and blood wasn’t important enough to mention – what else is he skipping over? (insert your own yada, yada, yada joke here)
You need to put yourself, and your feelings, first. He doesn’t. If he cared about you, he would have told you. Period. Obviously other people knew, hence the ‘conversations with other people’ where you figured it all out. Do you really want to be the Sherlock Holmes of the relationship? Always trying to discover something?
You are smart. (shit, you read Aunt Becky!) There ARE good guys out there!! Yes, it’ll take some time to find him…but he is out there.
This douche bag isn’t it.
Even if you can get over the deception of the ignored child…and how could you?!?! If you had a child with him…would you want your child treated this way?!?!
Hugs to you. And a swift kick in the ass to him. :o)
RUN FAR, AND RUN FAST.
I have two children, eldest is five, and I’m terrified about finding a new man after coming out of this bad marriage (I’m 25 and me and baby-daddy are still living together while I finish school. He’s a nice guy and a good daddy but it’s just not there). What if I go out with a guy and I really like him then I tell him about the kids and POW he’s gone? I know all that “love me love my children” stuff, but what about “love me”? I want someone to know the real me, not the mommy me…. :s so if you tell the date too soon they might runaway screaming, but if you tell them too late you’re hiding something… Urgh, it’s so scary!
As a guy who married a girl with a kid, let me tell you this: the guys who would run screaming at the mention of your kids are simply not ready for you. And that’s okay, don’t mourn their loss — you, and your kids, deserve better.
The fact is, a guy can’t get to know the ‘real’ you without getting to know the ‘mommy’ you, because the two are intertwined. The adjustment here is that it’s not a bad thing: you may have less second dates because guys run away, but where would those dates have gone? To a place where as soon as you do mention the kids they run anyhow, after you’ve gotten attached?
My suggestion is to be fearless about loving your children, and expect anyone worthy of your affection to be open to the idea of dating you AND, possibly, your kids. I know I was nervous about what might happen, but I let it go where it went, and my wife’s boy was the best man at our wedding. And the fact that Becky made no apologies for having a child — NONE — meant that I knew exactly what to expect, and what would be expected of me.
Daver, you totally ROCK. And, you are completely right. It took my sister a while but she finally met someone with the same outlook as you and now they are living happily ever after.
Thanks daver 🙂
I have two children, eldest is five, and I’m terrified about finding a new man after coming out of this bad marriage (I’m 25 and me and baby-daddy are still living together while I finish school. He’s a nice guy and a good daddy but it’s just not there). What if I go out with a guy and I really like him then I tell him about the kids and POW he’s gone? I know all that “love me love my children” stuff, but what about “love me”? I want someone to know the real me, not the mommy me…. :s so if you tell the date too soon they might runaway screaming, but if you tell them too late you’re hiding something… Urgh, it’s so scary!
What about him not seeing the poor child for months!?!? He sounds insecure and like a BAD father. Is that mean? I hope not-if it is blame the hormones-I’m nursing an infant.
Aside from the “talk” recommended by Darling Becky, um….no brainer. Anyone who doesn’t cherish their own flesh and blood–doesn’t usually do a good job cherishing others in general.
And sleepless….seriously, sleep. Every once in a while I awake on the crapper….and this is a dead give-away that my life is a tad over booked. I switch to the “little house on the prarie” schedule (go to sleep when the sun sets, get up when it rises) Our jacked-up, electrically addicted world is chewing on it’s own ankle. (lovely image there, eh?) Let something go….maybe alot of somethings. It’s a shocker, I know–but we each are actually in charge of our own lives. Our choices paint the sky every day…..
I had a boyfried in college who didn’t tell me about his daughter until we’d been dating 8 months–she was 7 years old and we were on our way to his mom’s 2nd wedding and he was afraid she’d be there and that’s why he told me. I, like a moron, continued dating him and soon figured out that she was trying to have more contact with him and he was ignoring her. Needless to say, he ended up cheating on me and we broke up. My point is that he was not a good person and didn’t value what should be important in his life. I agree with the previous poster, I’d run far and fast.
Oh, Zoloft lady: think about a new prescription. When I was on trazadone, it made so effen stupid, I once almost filled up the gas tank while the car was still running!!
What’s wrong with that? I dont think I have ever turned off my car in my 23 years of driving when I am getting a fill up. And I live in NJ, where it is illegal to pump your own gas, you would think the attendants would insist upon it if it was dangerous.
Off-topic, but… illegal to pump your own gas?! why? seems bizarre…
On-topic: to sleepy – if you do change medications, make sure you do it nice & slow & with close support from your doctor. It can be really hard when your brain is adjusting. Good luck 🙂
Darned if I know. It is an archaic law, but I LOVE it! And gas is cheaper in NJ than most of the rest of the country, because we have the refineries here. No getting out of your car in the elements, your hands dont smell. It is WONDERFUL!
PS, to all you attendants on the NY border who sit there and laugh at me while I wonder why you are laughing at me *shakes fist at you*. I didnt know I crossed the damn border!
I know that Trazodone is an anti-depressant, but my doctor prescribes it to me specifically to sleep (due to insomnia). So if it’s making you sleepy and out of it, you might want to try a different med (my “regular” anti-depressant is Celexa, which caused about 30 lbs of weight gain, but what are you gonna do??).
i take 1/2 tab of 50mg. trazodone to help me sleep. if i take the whole thing, i feel drugged and stupid in the morning….but 1/2 works well. (it’s also prescribed specifically for sleep, for me…..i’ve heard that as an antidepressant, it’s not worth shit……but works great for sleeep)
Sleepy: I agree with making sure you are getting enough sleep- I have had to make that a priority in my life because I am miserable to be around when I am overly tired. Also, try to get outside for a walk every day, (preferably in the sunshine) even if just for 15 minutes. Have you been totally worked up for medical issues that could be contributing to your fatigue- anemia, thyroid problem, etc.? A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with chronic Epstien-Barr virus as the source of her fatigue. And I am a big fan of Zoloft- but just because it works for me doesn’t mean that it’s the correct drug for you, or that you are on the right dose. Good luck!
I have to agree with the other commenters. When I started dating my husband, he told me ( I think on date number 1) that he had a daughter. I carefully watched his relationship with her, and it was lovely. He paid his child support faithfully, and never cancelled his visitation weekends, and in fact was saddened every time he had to take her home to her mother. This gave me confidence that he would treat any future children with me in a similar manner.
This man loved me enough to have his vasectomy reversed (not an easy surgery). He loves our kids, and he loves me 19 years later.
So, if your boyfriends actions would suggest he isn’t an attentive father (hasn’t seen her in 3 months!) and was lying by omission. I would leave, making it clear that it wasn’t that he had children, but his seeming indifference to his children.
Run, run away! I had a baby with a guy who already had a baby. He convinced me that he never got to see his daughter because his ex wouldn’t let him. Lies! He cheated on me, and left, and I haven’t heard from him in weeks.
Oh, and sleepy should consider taking the zoloft before bed. Totally works for me.
Dos points:
I whole-heartedly agree about sharing about your kid. When I was recently seeing a guy, I told him on the first date that I had a daughter, but he didn’t tell me until the second date that he did too. I mean really? I even gave him an opening. Needless to say, there were only two dates.
Second, Sleep Sarah might also want to make sure there’s not some other organic cause… I mean, mono maybe? Also, a psychiatrist might not hurt. It could be totally psychosomatic.
Aunt Becky! I am seeing you in 6 days!
The first letter…Sit down and have that heart to heart but not to try and save the relationship but because the guy seriously needs to get his head out of his ass and live life as a father not as a single guy who occasionally has a child around. NO EXCUSE for advancing the relationship to the sex stage without telling you about his child (and, damn girl, you are worth more than that…don’t let yourself be sucked in again like that). And, NO EXCUSE (barring an ugly custody fight) for not seeing his daughter since Christmas.
The second letter…The Zoloft is whats zapping all your energy. Talk to your doc.
Girlfriend, this guy doesn’t have his head on straight. He is not ready for mature relationships, either with you or obviously, as a father. He clearly hasn’t been there for his daughter, so what makes you think he’d be there for you? You need to tell him that the way he handled this is totally a deal breaker. He hasn’t been honest. Yes, omission of such a ginormous truth is considered lying here. Dude, he cares enough about you to say the L word but not to tell you the truth? That speaks volumes as to how your relationship would eventually go. It’s more than just an “oversight” on his part. If he doesn’t think that fatherhood is such a big deal, then….. what kind of husband material is he? End it now. I know that sucks, but better now than finding out much later.
Tired- I feel ya sista. Having 2 kids aged 4 and under and working is making me fall asleep standing up, and I don’t even have medication helping me feel more tired. I think it is important for you to have a good relationship with your doctor who prescribes this stuff so that you can discuss with him the way you feel and together you can find a combination or dosage that works for YOU. But I also wholeheartedly agree with AB, walking around Target by yourself is extremely therapeutic. Unfortunately, it’s also expensive, at least for me. I need to set a limit and then it would be much better. But I’m still working on finding that hour to wander the blessed aisles of Target alone. 🙂
Sleepy? Try curling up around the toilet and taking a cat nap. Seriously, power naps can help…I have actually sat down in the corner of the bathroom to get some sleep. Sad, I know.
And another prescription might help. Those meds, they can mess with you in all sorts of f’ed up ways…
Now,if you’ll excuse me, I think I need a nap/
1. dump the dipshit
2. i’m tired too.
No fair making me spray tea out my nose! Great summary of what we’re all thinking.
Sleepy Sarah, this is precisely why I will be so bummed when my doc stops refilling my phentermine prescription. Not only haanit helped me lose 12 lbs, but it makes me very happy and energetic. Because it’s speed. 🙂
CUT ME IN, BITCH!
Let me throw something in here to this predominantly female audience. I also think this relationship should end for several reasons. I don’t aim to defend this guy, but I usually get all riled up when people start making assumptions about why a man doesn’t see his child/ren for 3 months. Lots of women play games at the expense of the children they insist they put first. All I’m saying is don’t always assume it is the father’s choice or that he is a loser. We women know that women can be brutal. Women can be brutal like they’re getting paid for it and if they don’t let their kids see their father, they know everyone will think ill of the dad. They also gain everyone’s pity until (IF) people figure out what’s really going on.
Last but not least, if you seriously think that a man can force a woman to relinquish her kids for visitation (if he is any sort of man worth his salt) then you haven’t been in those shoes.
[gets off soapbox] This relationship is not going places and I think she should talk to him, but be skeptical about his reply. Probably the best response is to scoot out of the picture BEFORE she meets the daughter – don’t get involved with this child just to leave her after a while. I think children should be protected from relationships that are only 3 months old.
*applauds* Well said and sadly, so true. The situation is clearly a mess. And you’re spot on: 3 months is very early to meet the daughter.
I have no good advice for the gal about tp become a stepgirlfriend. I’ve always been open to dating someone with a child, but it’s never come up. And I would take his sudden eagerness for her to meet his daughter as his male assbackard way to make things right.
But as for the joyless and ohsobusy life? THAT I get. Because my mom is a drug addict, I chose to go the med free route, but that’s a persona. choice. But you know what has helped me immensely? THERAPY! You have to find the right therapist that you click with fo sho. But dude, I call that my happy hour. The time when I can just be me and let it all out to someone who not only will not judge me, but is paid to listen to my prattle. And she always helps me to feel better and validates my concerns. It’s AWESOME!
Two red flags.
1. He wasn’t into his kid enough to share the great news of his daughter. What is up with that? Does that say something about his capacity to love?
2. In the midst of his discomfort about sharing, he kept it secret. Who knows where and how often this secret-keeping-because-I-feel-uncomfortable pattern will re-emerge in the future.
This also has me concerned: “within a week of that conversation he was planning a whole Easter weekend with me meeting not only his daughter (who he was seeing for the first time since Christmas), but his whole extended family over the course of 2 days.”
This daughter doesn’t need to meet dad’s girlfriend at this juncture. It’s too much, too soon. This girl likely just needs quiet time with her dad and grandparents. Meeting the girlfriend can come later. Like weeks or months later.
Sleepy Sarah – I have been ’round the block and then some with SSRIs. They suck, but depression/anxiety/etc sucks more. Lethargy is a side effect that CAN (and should!) be addressed with your doctor. There are other SSRIs that are newer and have far fewer issues with side effects than Zoloft. Lexapro is one of the most popular right now. There are also other medications that you can add on to help combat the lethargy and other stellar side effects that make these drugs so crap-tastic. I know what you’re thinking, MORE drugs? But seriously, they can help… especially Wellbutrin; many people find it beneficial to pair this with an SSRI. It’s not about how many pills you are taking each morning, its about finding the balance that lets you live your life.
My best advice to you is to reasearchresearchresearch! Read everything you can get your hands on about SSRIs and pharmaceutical treatments for mental illness. Talk to a pharmacist, don’t completely discount anecdotal evidence, and keep track of how your body reacts to these drugs. Alcohol and caffeine can also have a significant effect on your brain chemistry, so use them cautiously and be aware of how you handle them. You are your best advocate, so take control! And if you are not able to live your life “normally” don’t be shy about having long discussions with your doctor to find the best solution.
My last boyfriend had a kid, our first date was to the beach with his kid. He was a really good guy. So good that he set the bar for future boyfriends and I havent found one since. We did break up, but only because although he was a good guy, he was also stupid, he took his cheating ex-wife back who made a push for it when she realized how serious we were getting. He wanted his kid not to be from a broken home shuffling back and forth.
There are legitimate reasons for anyone to be uncomfortable about telling a girlfriend/boyfriend about not having children; number one being that it might make the other person act just like the writer above did and suddenly start questioning whether or not the person is an asshole. And beleive me, I very rarely take the man’s side but in this case, I think he should run like hell away from the person who wrote the letter. the thing is, she doesn’t get to decide what his time-table should be as to when he should feel comfortable telling her about his child. That is his deal, and if she is so all that and open, why wasn’t he asked during the first date whether or not he had children? Because really, her lack of interest on Date One would probably make it more than obvious to him that she wasn’t open to dating someone with kids. ALSO: good for him AND his child that she will soon be getting to spend every other weekend together; with hope, they will be able to find someone who is actually willing to step in and share his child with him and learn to like, if not love it, and it sure as hell won’t be the writer of the letter. Just sayin.’
To The Gal With The Forgetful-Father Boyfriend:
Many, many years ago, I ignored my instincts about a boy with a daughter by another girl. The child was just an infant when he and I met, and yet I never actually met her in person until she was nearly 3 years old.
I should have run for my life when I discovered he was trying to get out of paying child support even though he knew the baby was his. I should have run when he didn’t bring her around me or pay any attention at all to her until he was forced to admit paternity by a judge. I finally found out that when it suited him, he used her mother for sex and money while he and I were together, and it suited him often.
He was a careless, thoughtless father and a shallow, selfish, generally horrible human being disguised as a charming, handsome man. The early clues were all there, but I thought I was in love.
I’m not saying this is your situation. I’m saying if you’re getting that squirmy feeling in your gut over this, LISTEN, girl. Ignoring my instincts cost me years of my life. Don’t let that be you.
I wish you good luck whatever happens.
run. run from this man and run fast. seriously. there is something wrong w a parent that behaves like that.
and guys, speed is bad. i suggest coke
For the first situation, I think the boyfriend put the cart before the horse if we was comfortable sleeping with someone, introducing them to his parents, and using the L word. I don’t think there is a prescribed time at which you ought to tell someone that you have children, but I would expect that if they are meaningful part of your life, and that you are genuinely interested in someone that you should do so before you hop in the sack or bring out the parents. How the hell did he engineer a meeting with the parents without this coming up? That seems weird to me, and I would be concerned too.
What concerns me more though is that this man didn’t tell the writer he had a child, and denied her the chance to decide if that was a situation she wanted to be part of, with all the information. He made the decision for her by hiding that he was a parent. Yes, it may be easier to date as just ‘you’ and not ‘parent-you,’ but I don’t see ‘hiding’ a child for a long period of time ending well — no matter how it is brought up. What if she hadn’t asked? Would he still be hiding it?
As for Sleeping Beauty, I would seriously consider talking to your doc about your meds, and I agree with all the advice to try to take some time for yourself. Even if it’s just an extra long shower or a bubble bath, you need a little time for yourself.
1. I am gonna have to lay down the law about that guy not mentioning he has a daughter. Unacceptable. She comes with the package, whether he has custody or not. At 28, you’re a spring chicken- you’ll find another, more honest guy!
2. As for the Zoloft/fatigue issue: Yes, it can make you sleepy, especially on the first few months of treatment. Zoloft takes 3 months to see measurable results, and the dose needs to be increased from the starter pack dose. If you are taking under 100mg a day, you may need to increase the dose.
My stepdaughter was 5 (almost 6) when her father (my husband) and I started dating. We had worked together prior to the dating, so I vaguely knew he had a daughter and had seen her in passing once or twice.
Once we started dating, he made it very clear that certain weekends were for him and his daughter. I did not meet her in the “girlfriend” capacity until we had been dating about 4 or 5 months. We did not want to disrupt her life if our relationship ended up just being a casual thing. After “officially” meeting her as the girlfriend, I would spend maybe a couple of hours with them on “their” weekends.
We dated a year before debating if it would be best for his daughter whether or not we moved in together. Every action we took in our relationship focused first on if WE were ready to take that step, and second on whether SHE was ready for us to take that step.
When we finally decided to get married not too long ago (after 6 years of dating), we asked her what she thought, and she said – in typical pre-teen fashion – “It’s about time already!”
All this to say, if Girlfriend’s man was nervous about her meeting his daughter (especially after just a few months), that’s totally understandable. If he “FORGOT” to mention his daughter, well that’s just not cool. I would have serious reservations about continuing to date that guy without having a heart-to-heart.
P.S. Sorry for the long post. 🙂
girl dating the dad: trust your instincts. it’s not right not mentioning her or seeing her for all of those months. talking to him isn’t going to change who he is. any guy whose child isn’t the most important thing to him is suspect. further proof: he didn’t consider your feelings about speed meeting the entire family. sounds selfish and uncaring to me. not partner material.
this guy sounds like just a sperm donor…..not a dad. turn and RUN would be my advice.
Agree with the others: RUN. My husband “forgetting” to tell me about ATM withdrawls is stress-inducing…I can’t even imagine what life would be like if he “forgot” to tell me more important stuff like, oh, a kid. And you found out about the kid because she became unhide-able. What about all the other stuff he can continue to hide? No WAY, ma’am. You do not need him.
Oops, okay, not “forgot,” just “didn’t.” Whatever. It doesn’t matter, the point is still the same.
I absolutely love your blog its so comical and snarky at the same time. I love the way you dont mince your words. its just so refreshing to see someone else in the world just as snarky as i am.
Didn’t read all the responses, but, Sleepy should try to take her zoloft at night instead of the morning if she does’t already. Made all the difference in the world for me. 🙂
For the dad dater (sounds wierd huh) how could he possibly have enough good qualities to counterbalance his douchery? Run
I agree with everyone really for the first questioner. It’s something that’s totally first date. While I’m on the “maybe fewer second dates if your kid is a first date topic but where would those dates have gone?” side of things, I can see some people not being comfortable until the second or third date. But NOT almost three months in, with her being referred to by her first name, and only brought up because you finally stood up and said, “What the hell?” (nicely). That’s not ok and his excuse has clearly been found wanting. You clearly aren’t bothered that he has a kid (and are even suitably concerned about what impacts you are going to have on her). So you need to sit him down and explain it’s still bothering you. Aunt Becky’s spot on with taking this up with him before she moves in. It’s not her fault her dad is being close-mouthed and shady. I hate to say leave him because I don’t know him but it probably bears considering whether or not this is how he handles communication on tough issues. Is it acceptable to you for his response to needing to talk about uncomfortable topics to be to wait until you finally bring it up? I wouldn’t be ok with that. Just be sure he knows your problem is with his level of communication with you not whether or not he has a child. Don’t feel like you have to stay because his daughter is moving in. If the two of you can’t find common ground on the communication front, whether or not he has a child is totally irrelevant.
I think the most glaring problem (from my perspective as a mother) is the fact that he hasn’t seen his child in so long. What’s that all about? I can see him not mentioning the child for a few dates, waiting to see how he felt about you first, but as things progressed the topic should have come up MUCH earlier and from him, not from you prying it out of him. I don’t think his priorities are right and if I were you I would cut bait and run like hell.
I can totally understand why he didn’t mention the kid – not condone it, but understand. For example, he didn’t mention her 1st or 2nd date because he didn’t want to scare you off. 3rd date comes and he intends to, but has decided he likes you, and is afraid of scaring you off, and can’t find a way to casually mention it in conversation. 5th date; *really* intends to, but can’t find a way to work it into conversation. You’re two or three weeks dating at this point and he still hasn’t mentioned her, now its becoming embarrassing. So on, and so forth. Perhaps his bringing up of the ex was his was of trying to introduce the daughter and he just sucks at it. Now that you know, he’s relieved and is going to include you and her in things. What I see about that scenario is that he’s a pussy and God help you if you need him, cause he might not be there. Bottom line is you guys need to talk it out. If he’s so afraid of confrontation that he’s ignoring your concerns about meeting the family, then run. If it was just a “stumble” of a dad starting to date again and not sure how to handle the kid issue, cut him a break, but watch for a similar pattern in the future.
I’ve always been amazed at what people are willing to hold off telling someone they’ve recently started dating. A kid is a huge, non-compromisable thing. It directly affects whoever you decide to date and they have the right to know about it so that they can make a fully informed decision about continuing to date you. I may be a little bit extreme in my views of it, but speaking as a woman who has never wanted or intended to have children, this is a first date topic for me. It’s a huge part of a relationship, and if I keep that a secret until we’re both deep in it, what’s the point if it means we’ll just break up in the end and we’ve just wasted the last year of our lives? It blows my mind when I hear about couples who go through a whole relationship and get married without ever having explicitly discussed children. It’s not exactly something you can compromise on, you know? Anyone, male or female, who doesn’t tell someone on a first or second date that they have a kid is flat out lying to that person. I don’t care if they were afraid that the person would leave or not. If they were going to leave because you had a kid, it’s not someone you want anyway. But now you’ve doubled the chances of them leaving because you lied to them as well! There’s no excuse for it.
So I guess what I’m saying is that I agree with the other commenters that the woman who wrote in should not continue this relationship with this guy because he manipulated and lied to her, and she can’t have any idea what else he’s been lying about.
To the dad dater: This sounds just like my ex-brother-in-law. My sister has to initiate all contact with her son and his father. It is so sad, really. He is now dating another girl and I think she knows about my nephew. But I’m not sure. This is just the tip of the iceberg with this joker. He is obviously not a good father, he was a very irresponsible/immature husband and he has a looooooot of growing up to do. I wouldn’t touch him with a ten-foot pole. (Plus, he’s technically off limits since my sister already had that.)
Sleepy-time: I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I have thoroughly enjoyed phentermine for a pick me up that lasts throughout the day.
In regards to the first letter…I think if it were me I would have a huge problem with him not telling you about his child. I think I would have an even bigger problem with a dad who hadn’t seen his child from Christmas to Easter. If it was of his own free will. What kind of dad is that and what will he be like in the future to other children.
RED FLAG for me!
Just my thoughts…not that they mean much!
Ta Ta
Megan
http://reddirtandcrazy.blogspot.com/
I had a guy tell me 2 months into the relationship–and by E-MAIL NO LESS!!!–that he should “probably” tell me that his ex-girlfriend was pregnant with his baby and was due in a couple months.
So I responded–by e-mail–that he should have told me that a long time ago and not to call me anymore.
I’m sure people get burned when they tell their dates, “By the way, I have a child,” but it’s still something that they have to disclose at least by date #3. I mean, it’s an innocent child–not some STD to be embarrassed over!
My daughters father didn’t tell his family about her (i.e. his parents, his siblings, his ex-wife or his OTHER TWO DAUGHTERS) until Dexy was already 13 months old. Yeah, you can imagine how well that went over w/ most of his family, and especially w/ his ex and the other two (nearly teenaged) daughters.
Like a shit bomb.
And even though he and I have been attempting to have a relationship for the nearly 5 years since I met him and got knocked up w/ his kid, I know for a fact that there are MANY people in his life that still don’t know about Dexy, b/c he never bothers to mention her most of the time. Or me for that matter.
Which is why after 5 years, I’m pretty much done son.
If this gal is only 3 months into this relationship w/ a guy who’s being all secretive about his child, whatever his reasons (sounds like he doesn’t see the kid much, which makes me wonder WHY), I say dump his ass and run. This is not a guy w/ guts, balls, or Man Spine.
Just my opinion. But she sure doesn’t want to be stuck crying in her beer years later, like me, with a guy who is clearly not a man.
Cheers Aunt Becky! Loves ya!
@Jasperblu
While I admit I would also look askance at a guy who waited so long to tell me he had a kid, I was divorced a couple of years ago when my son was 2. Since then, he has been diagnosed with a (ultimately) terminal illness that will make him progeressively mentally and physically impaired. He is unable to report abuse (or even pain – he had an undiagnosed small bone in his foot for three weeks before we figured out what was going on because he never complained or even limped)because his vocabulary is approximately 50 words, all nouns like “apple”, “water” and “chicken” to let us know he is thirsty or hungry. I am so fearful to get out into the dating world because I am afraid of predators who would love to get into a relationship with a woman whose 5 year old is unable to tell mommy about being molested. Just my $.02. How many dates is appropriate before tell you tell a guy you have a kid, get to know that they like you for yourself and not for your luscious little boy? Yes, I have issues.