Hi Aunt Becky!
I have kind of an awkward question. I went to hook up with my ex-boyfriend the other day (I know, bad idea to begin with) and he wanted to do something I didn’t want to do. Long story short, we argued, I insulted him, and he hit me — pretty hard. Then he apologized and I ended up having sex with him again.
I’m feeling really guilty about this, because I feel like I violated my sexual integrity and my rights as a woman, especially since I ended up doing what I didn’t want to do in the first place. I feel like a huge idiot, too.
My question is, was this my fault? I mean, I did insult him, so I guess it’s my fault for making him lose control. He kept screaming at me afterward, look what you made me do, and I guess I DID make him do it. But did I deserve to be hit? And am I a poor excuse for a woman, since I allowed him to touch me after that?
First, sweetheart, let me tell you that you’re not alone. I’m willing to bet that there are probably a hundred people reading this and nodding their heads saying “I’ve compromised myself before, too.” It’s a horrible, awful feeling when you’ve not been true to yourself, and it’s humiliating to know that you’ve done something that you didn’t want to do voluntarily.
You have to forgive yourself. It’s okay. We all make mistakes. We all do.
It may take awhile to forgive yourself (Lord knows, it took me years), but you can and you will. I know that you’ll look back on this as a momentary lapse in reason and never compromise who YOU are for someone else ever again.
I know that I never did. That’s how I know you won’t, either.
It’s an important lesson, I think, to learn to be true to yourself, and it’s not always something you can learn from a fortune cookie. I’m such a numb-nuts that I had to tattoo it on my foot* to remind myself of that one. It worked, though. I’ve never compromised myself for someone else again.
And you are NOT to blame for your ex hitting you. There’s no way you can possibly be responsible for someone else’s actions–even if you did provoke him–and no matter what he says, it’s his fault. Period. There’s no wiggle room on that one. He’s the one who was in the wrong, not you. End. Of. The. Fucking. Story.
You’re not a poor excuse for a woman–far from it. You had a minor error in judgment, which I’m sure all of us have had at one point or another, and I’m willing to bet that you’ll never do it. If you learned something from it, especially something as important as never compromising yourself for someone else ever again, well, it wasn’t all bad.
You deserve more than all of this (I’m looking at ALL OF YOU when I say this, Pranksters). Don’t ever sell yourself short, and don’t ever let anyone else sell you short either because that’s fucking bullshit. If they have issue with that, well, send ’em to Your Aunt Becky. She knows you deserve better.
Love you, girl.
Normally, I post a couple of questions on Go Ask Aunt Becky Days, but today, I think that maybe we can just rally around my anonymous friend here. Maybe you guys could give her some love, too. I’m willing to bet that she’ll be reading your comments and it sounds like she could use some lovin’ or advice.