Hi Aunt Becky!

I have kind of an awkward question. I went to hook up with my ex-boyfriend the other day (I know, bad idea to begin with) and he wanted to do something I didn’t want to do. Long story short, we argued, I insulted him, and he hit me — pretty hard. Then he apologized and I ended up having sex with him again.

I’m feeling really guilty about this, because I feel like I violated my sexual integrity and my rights as a woman, especially since I ended up doing what I didn’t want to do in the first place. I feel like a huge idiot, too.

My question is, was this my fault? I mean, I did insult him, so I guess it’s my fault for making him lose control. He kept screaming at me afterward, look what you made me do, and I guess I DID make him do it. But did I deserve to be hit? And am I a poor excuse for a woman, since I allowed him to touch me after that?

Thanks!

First, sweetheart, let me tell you that you’re not alone. I’m willing to bet that there are probably a hundred people reading this and nodding their heads saying “I’ve compromised myself before, too.” It’s a horrible, awful feeling when you’ve not been true to yourself, and it’s humiliating to know that you’ve done something that you didn’t want to do voluntarily.

You have to forgive yourself. It’s okay. We all make mistakes. We all do.

It may take awhile to forgive yourself (Lord knows, it took me years), but you can and you will. I know that you’ll look back on this as a momentary lapse in reason and never compromise who YOU are for someone else ever again.

I know that I never did. That’s how I know you won’t, either.

It’s an important lesson, I think, to learn to be true to yourself, and it’s not always something you can learn from a fortune cookie. I’m such a numb-nuts that I had to tattoo it on my foot* to remind myself of that one. It worked, though. I’ve never compromised myself for someone else again.

And you are NOT to blame for your ex hitting you. There’s no way you can possibly be responsible for someone else’s actions–even if you did provoke him–and no matter what he says, it’s his fault. Period. There’s no wiggle room on that one. He’s the one who was in the wrong, not you. End. Of. The. Fucking. Story.

You’re not a poor excuse for a woman–far from it. You had a minor error in judgment, which I’m sure all of us have had at one point or another, and I’m willing to bet that you’ll never do it. If you learned something from it, especially something as important as never compromising yourself for someone else ever again, well, it wasn’t all bad.

You deserve more than all of this (I’m looking at ALL OF YOU when I say this, Pranksters). Don’t ever sell yourself short, and don’t ever let anyone else sell you short either because that’s fucking bullshit. If they have issue with that, well, send ‘em to Your Aunt Becky. She knows you deserve better.

Love you, girl.

*seriously.

————————

Normally, I post a couple of questions on Go Ask Aunt Becky Days, but today, I think that maybe we can just rally around my anonymous friend here. Maybe you guys could give her some love, too. I’m willing to bet that she’ll be reading your comments and it sounds like she could use some lovin’ or advice.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

66 Responses to Go Ask Aunt Becky

  • Kate says:

    I don’t care what you said to the guy ~ there is NO excuse for him hitting you. There just isn’t. Even if you had hit him, he could have chosen to control himself & not retaliate. The fact that he chose to smack you was HIS choice, and it was a really lousy one. Don’t take the responsibility for ANYONE’S bad choices in life. Put the blame for that stupid behavior right back on his shoulders where it belongs. You weren’t in his head, controlling his muscles and making them hit you, so don’t convince yourself that you “deserved it” for “making” him lose control. You can’t MAKE anyone do a darn thing. It was his choice.

    Sorry to go on & on about that point, but it’s an important one to understand. A person can anger you, but how you react is YOUR decision. I hate it when people try to cast blame on someone else for their stupid choices in life.

    Anyhoooodle…. moving on……

    Hooking up with him wasn’t a great idea, but you already know that, and like Aunt Becky said, if you have learned something from what happened, then it wasn’t a complete failure. The next time you’re feeling lonely, call a friend, watch a movie, bake cookies, do SOMETHING, but do NOT call the ex. He sounds like someone you’d be better off staying far away from.

    Oh, and I give you permission to stop beating yourself up over making a mistake (I know, who do I think I am? Just someone who’s probably a lot older than you & has made my share of stupid choices in life, too). Yeah, it sucked and you feel badly about it, so learn from this experience and don’t do it again, but don’t snipe at yourself and tell yourself you suck or you deserved it or any other lie like that because it’s pointless & it’s not the truth.

    ((((((((((((( HUGS )))))))))))))))

    • Step 1: delete the number from your cell phone, scratch it from your planner, delete his email address from our address books, un-friend him on Facebook.

      Do it now.

      • Mary Sue says:

        I concur, vehemently.

        I let two jackasses swan in and out of my life and treat me pretty much the same way as the letter-writer for about 16 years (I’m 30, by the way)– and sometimes in the dark of the night, a little voice in the back of my head tells me “You know, it was your fault, you provoked them to it, you could have stopped them…”

        I don’t know what else the little voice in the back of my head says after that, ’cause it’s about then I reach into the back of my head, grab that little voice by its scrawny throat, and feed it through my mental woodchipper.

  • Clair says:

    There are always people who will take your power away from you if you let them, girl. But guess what? You’re a strong and amazing woman and you don’t have to let ANYONE take your power.

    There is never an excuse for a man to hit a woman. No matter how provoked. Any sort of physical violence is unwarranted, especially when followed with ‘you made me do it.’ Been there, done that, learned the hard way too.

    Unfortunately, passionate people are usually passionate in all aspects (i.e. passionate in love and anger…) Sometimes you have to realize that it’s not worth the compromise.

    There are good guys out there, hon. Don’t go back to someone who has hurt you.

    xo

  • Caitlin says:

    It makes me so sad that anyone ever has to wonder if it is their fault or not. I’ve never been in that situation, so I can’t understand the feeling, but it seems to be very common. No person deserve to be hurt like that.

  • I agree totally with Aunt Becky. I’d bet anything that you’ll NEVER do it again. But it doesn’t make you a bad person. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, will have a situation happen where they end up feeling like you are now. You aren’t alone.

    Now, on the you MADE him do it? Um, I’m going to go with HELL NO on that one. You didn’t make him hit you any more than you made him need to take a piss that morning. The only person responsible for HIS action is himself. I understand how you would feel like it was your fault, but it’s not. In any way shape or form. Not. Your. Fault.

    Obviously this guy is better as an ex. I know it can be hard, but this proves that he doesn’t deserve anything other than you not speaking to him, ever again.

    Hugs darling!

  • Whymommy says:

    It’s not your fault. Period.

    Please be careful here and keep yourself safe.

  • And you are NOT to blame for your ex hitting you. There’s no way you can possibly be responsible for someone else’s actions–even if you did provoke him–and no matter what he says, it’s his fault. Period. There’s no wiggle room on that one. He’s the one who was in the wrong, not you. End. Of. The. Fucking. Story….

    If you learned something from it, especially something as important as never compromising yourself for someone else ever again, well, it wasn’t all bad.

    I completely agree with everything you said, and quoted these parts of the post to emphasize the fact.

  • Diaryofamadbathroom says:

    You are NEVER responsible for a man hitting you. It doesn’t matter what you said.

  • moonspun says:

    Glad the question was asked…and Aunt Becky did well by you in the answer. It is NOT your fault and don’t beat yourself up over it. You learned a lesson, unfortunately a hard one, now move on and stay away from that asshole.

  • James says:

    Aunt Becky is right, you don’t deserved to be hit even if ya did provoke him. No one deserves that. Also make this a learning experience and move on there are prolly plenty of other guys to date that will treat ya well.

  • Will says:

    I would get as far away from this waste of human skin as physically possible. You said you didn’t want to have sex. He hit you, and then had sex with you. He clearly does not respect your wishes or you as a fellow human being. (I suppose this would only be possible if he had a soul).

    There is no excuse for hitting someone. EVER. You cannot blame yourself because this pathetic little excuse for a man has the self-control of a three year-old.

    We cannot help who we have feelings for. It sucks elephant dong when we find ourselves drawn to people not worthy of our spit – but it does happen. That he’s your ex gives me hope that you told him what to do with himself at least once before.

    I realize I’m basing this on just a few paragraphs you sent Aunt Becky, but it has touched a nerve. She was right to focus this week on you, my friend. Just jettison this guy and move on – he’s poison.

  • Jennifer B says:

    I’m so sorry you had to go through that. The only thing you did wrong was make a bad decision to hook up with him, and you already knew that was a bad idea. You just need to trust yourself more often, you are wiser than you know. No matter what you said to him, there is ZERO excuse for him hitting you. He has issues and needs to deal with them, and it doesn’t involve you at all. You know you are a good woman and deserve way better. The best thing you can do now is to remind yourself of what you already know – you are a beautiful and intelligent woman, and you deserve a man who makes you feel cherished all the time. Put the rest behind you and go forward, and you’ll do fine. Oh, and keep Aunt Becky on speed dial, so you have an escape from ever backsliding. :)

  • Shin Ae says:

    Completely agree with Aunt Becky and let me say it again, because the more people you hear it from, the better–he’s full of crap. You didn’t make him hit you. Period. There is NO excuse.

  • J. says:

    Great post — and advice, from Becky and all the commenters.

    Reading that letter brought back some painful memories, including my mother raising me to feel guilty and responsible for everything (as well as abusing me when she felt bad). So when I had my daughter, I made it my mission to raise her to feel confident and good about herself — and not take sh*t from the bullies and manipulators of this world — so, hopefully, she won’t find herself in the same position as the letter writer. We also sent her to tae kwon do, so she could not only defend herself emotionally but physically. And every day we tell her how much we love her.

    Will all that prevent her from some day being abused (verbally or physically) by some jerk? Probably not. But hopefully, she will have the strength and confidence to, as Kelly Clarkson sang, “just walk away” (or tell him to).

  • The Daver says:

    Everyone else already seconded and thirded the good bits of advice here, so I’ll just add on that guys make mistakes like this too; I’ve allowed myself to be manipulated in ways that in hindsight I realized were completely wrong. And now? I simply refuse to allow anyone to do that to me. Except Becky. She can manipulate me any way she likes.

    But seriously, blaming you for his lack of self-control is simply unacceptable. And I’m glad you realized it, even if you did let it go for a while; sometimes it takes a while for these things to sink in. Now that you HAVE realized it, though, you know to look for the kind of guy who would NEVER allow himself to hit you, because he thinks you are more precious than gold. Because you ARE.

  • Val says:

    He is a grown up man. Nothing you could have done made him hit you. He made himself hit you. It is NOT YOUR FAULT, and should take away no guilt or shame from it.

    He has proven himself to be unworthy of you, and no, he will not change, you cannot make him a better person, and you should not try to fix him. Next time could be much, much worse. Don’t take that chance.

    Delete his number from your phone, don’t take his calls and don’t answer the door. There are lots of good men in this world who would love to love you. Don’t waste another moment with your ex.

    Good luck, be well, and know that women support you.

  • Kristin says:

    I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through this guilt/shame cycle. It’s confusing, exhausting and it sucks. The only thing you can take responsibility for is your own actions and reactions. Sounds like you’ve already done that. You’re taking responsibility for some unwise choices and trying to learn what you can from the experience. The violence is all on him.

    As far as the sex goes, it’s easy to get trapped in your own head and beat yourself up over it. Getting hit is shocking and incomprehensible, your mind goes into a tailspin trying to understand what just happened. When it’s followed up by screams of, “YOU MADE ME DO IT!” it’s pretty damn easy to believe it. Especially if you live in a culture that teaches women and girls that we are responsible for everyone’s emotions. So go figure, you believed it was your fault, you felt guilty and you had sex with him. I guess I’m just saying, never forgot the cultural context when this shit happens. Men so often get away with hitting and otherwise assaulting/abusing/harassing women because we don’t deep down believe we have the right to say no, walk away or tell them where to go.

    So yes, you did make some mistakes. But they’re not unique mistakes and there are cultural and psychological factors that set you up to make those mistakes. It doesn’t mean you don’t take responsibility for yourself, it just means that you keep this in mind and maybe you can learn to unlearn some of that tripe that was put into all of our heads growing up.

  • Becca says:

    At no te are you ever responsible for someone hitting you! Lord knows I spent 14 years with a man who liked to hit me whenever he could. I still messed up and had sex with him after I left him. Everybody makes mistakes. Don’t sell yoursf short here, the feelings of guilt and shame can be overwhelming and if he told you you provoked him then he is banking on using that to get back with you. Don’t give him that power!

  • Manitobamom says:

    You could have called his Grandma the biggest cuss word in the dictionary, told him you wished his mom died, ANYTHING AT ALL, YOU could have hit him (hard) first; none of that EVER gives him the right to raise his hand to you.
    Hang in there. Your dignity is in tact b/c you know that what you’ve done compromised you only momentarily…just stay away from him now. FAR AWAY.

    • Si Dawson says:

      Sorry, but that’s bullshit.

      ANYONE hits ANYONE, call the fucking police. The law doesn’t say “assault is ok coz you’re a girl”, & neither should anyone else.

      [The rest of what you said is spot on though :) ]

  • Sarah says:

    There is never an excuse for a man to hit a woman. No matter how provoked. Any sort of physical violence is unwarranted, especially when followed with ‘you made me do it.’

    He is a grown up man. Nothing you could have done made him hit you.

    First and foremost, no one deserves to be hit. That is the overlying thing I’d like to say. I’m sorry you went through this, and he had no right to treat you like this.

    The only thing I’d like to throw in is that I can’t stand it when people (not you specifically. People in general.) use the sex (as opposed to gender. . .not the physical act) as why someone shouldn’t be hit. NO ONE should be hit, and I hate it when people play the “he’s a man, he shouldn’t hit a woman” card. People shouldn’t hit people.

    If a woman is mean and hateful and a man feels like he wants to slap her, that’s probably warranted. He probably shouldn’t slap her, but I don’t feel it’s any different than a man being mean and hateful and a woman wanting to slap him. Violence isn’t OK period, and it gets under my skin when I feel like if the situation were reversed, people would feel differently.

  • joann Mannix says:

    Hold your head up and let it go. There isn’t a single one of us out here that hasn’t compromised somehow, someway in our life. Every day on this earth is a chance to start over. Stand tall against this loser and know that what he did to you made him the wrongdoer, NOT you, not you at all. You are the victim and victim’s are just that. There should be no guilt or sadness on your part. Every woman deserves to be treated with kindness, respect and love and you, my dear, are no exception.

    We women are noble creatures, the givers and sustainers of life and we all, including YOU deserve the world, my dear. Whether you feel that way or not, know that there is a better life waiting for you. Expect to be loved extraordinarily and it will come to you. Accept no less and I promise you, you will get it.

    I speak from experience. A man used to hit me and manipulate me and he twisted my soul until it was broken and made me think every bad thing he did to me was my fault. The day I told him I no longer loved him, in fact I realized I never did, was the most freeing day of my life. It took a lot of strength. It took all my strength. But, I did it and I never accepted anything less than what I deserved from that moment on. I have the most wonderful husband in the world now and 3 daughters who I teach every day how worthy they are.

    You are worthy. Don’t ever forget it. Come back if you need us. We’ll tell you again and again the truth you need to fill your heart with strength. Stay strong and giant hugs from a woman who has walked your shoes.

  • Mystern says:

    As a guy myself I find it inexcusable to hit anyone who makes you mad. Not because I have anything against hitting people, but really because that’s not an appropriate way to express your anger. Despite how mad you ever make someone, physical violence is never an appropriate response, especially in matters of a relationship.

  • Summer says:

    What happened sounds like date rape. You went against your better judgment in meeting for a hookup, sure, but from the hitting on, it was a situation of violence and coercion, not about sex anymore. He hit and humiliated you and then when you were stunned and scared, coerced a sex act you did not want. It would be hard to press charges in court, but it was NOT your fault for being hit and humiliated and emotionally forced to do what you did not want. You should probably avoid him from now on. He’s violent and not interested in you as a person. Also, you might want to call your local rape crisis number to process what went on and help you heal from this. I’m so sorry that you were hurt like that.

  • As a man I can say there is never an excuse to hit a woman. You can insult all you want, but that’s not an excuse.

    Knowing that all men aren’t as noble, self-assured, or dashingly handsome as me, I recommend not provoking some of these lesser men. There’s no sense in putting yourself in dangerous situations.

    Finally, on the topic of hitting, it is not funny when you hit a man in the testicles. This is should be viewed the same as gun ownership. You only turn to this action when in danger. It is not a toy. The occasional bumps and bruises we encounter during the day turn our stomach as it is, we don’t need our wives/girlfriends taking pleasure out of making us want to vomit.

    (I know this is a serious topic, but I felt this is Aunt Becky land and we still need some snark, otherwise it wouldn’t feel right)

  • CatPS says:

    “And am I a poor excuse for a woman, since I allowed him to touch me after that?”

    Absolutely not! There are people who are masters at manipulation – and the ones who are best at it are the ones who make you feel like everything is your fault while they are just the sweet victim who couldn’t help what was happening. And some of these people don’t always realize what they are doing; their selfishness and need to control is part of who they are, and they are GOOD at it. It can take their victims a looooong time to truly see what is happening. So, DO NOT blame yourself. You are the VICTIM here. Try to take this experience and use it the way AB suggests – to never ever lose sight of who you are and your own worth again.
    As others have suggested, you may want to call your local rape crisis number – it doesn’t mean that you have to file any police report or anything, but they have the resources to give you some support and help you sort through the emotions you are experiencing. That’s what they are there for, and they want to help people who have had a terrible experience like you have.

  • Wink says:

    Sadly, there are so many of us who could have written in with this very same story.

    You are NEVER in the wrong, no matter what you’ve said/done, when someone else chooses to physically assault you. NEVER.

    What he did is criminal, in the legal sense (much less MORAL) of the word, and you could press charges against him. Knowing that, you can stop blaming yourself for his actions.

    As many others have said, hold your head high, remember to value yourself and do not ever let another person rob you of your feelings of self-worth. And do not ever come in contact with this person again.

    Thinking of you today and sending loads of good karma your way…..

  • TheBeerLady
    Twitter: TheBeerLady
    says:

    I can’t add anything to what the others have said. All I’ll offer is this:
    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  • linlah says:

    Remind yourself everyday that you have a greater value and forgive yourself. You can do it.
    Well said Aunt Becky

  • Clair Jordan says:

    There is absolutely NO excuse this man to hit you. That’s like saying a girl deserves to be raped because of the way she’s dressed.

    I think the sex afterwards might have been poor judgement but also came out of fear. You were afraid that he would hurt you again so you gave him what he wanted to pacify him.

    I’m surprised no one has mentioned calling the police. This guy assaulted you. He did it to you and he’ll do it to someone else. At the very least please call a counselor and talk to them. Unfortunately women repeatedly put themselves in the same situations. You must break this chain of allowing yourself to be treated this way because you deserve better.

    Counseling will also help you forgive yourself. If you don’t forgive yourself you will continue to be this guys victim and then he wins.

    And I agree with everyone who says delete this guy out of your life!!!

  • Brahm says:

    Not yoru fault, he is an idiot. Hitting is not the answer, no matter what you or he said, so I repeat he is an idiot.

    Move away from the loser ex.

    Well said as always, Aunt Becky.

  • Wombat Central
    Twitter: wombatcentral
    says:

    I agree with Clair (and others) about the possible reason (fear) behind your momentary lapse in judgment. Please don’t beat yourself up! And don’t let anyone else do it verbally or otherwise. There’s never an excuse for someone to do harm you.

    I hope you find the strength to stay away from him. I wondered if he hit you when you were a couple before… sounds like it’s something he’s used to doing. Run, don’t walk in the other direction, and find yourself someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated: with respect, love, and kindness.

  • otin says:

    It amazes me how some guys are so weak and spineless that they have to take it out on a woman. Under no circumstance should a man ever brutalize a woman. It is not your fault at all!

  • Melissa says:

    Aunt Becky hit the nail on the head (once again). I let this happen to me for YEARS. Dont let that happen to you. Abuse is never ok, nor is there any excuse for hitting.

    You are saying that you agree with him because “you made him do it”. That line is so classic in abusive men. It is like the stalker boyfriend (or husband) who constantly accuses you of cheating on him. You can assume with 100% certainty that he is cheating on YOU.

    You have value and worth, dont compromise it by giving him an out. Letting yourself think that he had an excuse will only lead to more abusive relationships. Bad boys suck. I know the allure, I have been there and done that. Nice guys are the ones you should be looking for. You are a princess and should be treated as such.

    That said, I disagree with some pranksters above that say that even if you hit HIM that they shouldnt hit you. I see women publicly hitting men (punches even) and I automatically think they deserve it right back. Dont hit unless you want to be hit. PERIOD. Women hitting men is no better than a man hitting a woman. (unless you are hitting back my loves). Men should never be hit either. And they have the right to defend themselves from a crazy bitch who is punching them and clawing at them.

  • Jennifer says:

    I’d suggest visiting a battered woman’s shelter and talking to them about setting up counseling… why you’d even think it could POSSIBLY be your fault for some jerk hitting you. (((Hugs)))

  • it is NEVER your fault for someone else hitting you or abusing you in any other way. EVER.

    I like Jennifer’s idea.

    Please take care.

  • Statia says:

    So not your fault. He needs to learn to control his anger and actions. Cut him out of your life because you are better than that. Forgive yourself and then do something empowering.

  • Rebecca says:

    No man should ever hit a woman. EVER. Take what you can from this relationship and run as far as your spirit will take you. Just never, ever, give this man another chance. You have so much more to give. You should wait until you are with someone that you actually get along with (for the most part). Your ‘fights’ will turn into ‘discussions’. The yelling and bickering will change to debates where in the end the other will know who is more passionate about whatever cause…..and it will eventually slide in that direction.

    You’ll find someone loads better.

  • If it makes you feel better, I’ve been there, and I think there are a lot of women who’ve been there too! Odds are we all have that one ex that we hung on to for “friends with benefits”.

    Those situations are so difficult because the love and trust aren’t there anymore (cause after all, it is the EX) but you slip back into expecting it to be there (cause it’s…um…the EX). I think the anger comes out of all the emotional drama and unresolved feelings still lurking under the surface–both sides know they don’t work but neither one has moved on. Then, it gets ugly.

    What happened is NOT your fault, but please make this your LAST hook up with him! Like another poster said, erase his number, block his e-mail, and delete him from Facebook. He’s your ex–walk away from him.

  • Aurora says:

    While we all make mistakes with men some where in our lives and we learn that they are part of life…. He made a HUGE MISTAKE by disrespecting you and does not deserve you in his life. You didn’t do ANYTHING wrong. We all have been provokers one time or another. There are things that he should have done to deescalate the situation instead of hitting….. he isn’t a man… he is a little boy if he raises his hands to a girl of any age!
    *BIGHUGS* you aren’t along babe…. PROMISE!!!!

  • Megan says:

    Hitters are losers with a low self-esteem. It will NEVER be your fault that the jackass can’t control himself. Even if he is mad. He should have left. And…once a hitter…almost always a hitter! You…no matter what your faults…deserve more than that jerk will ever be able to give!

    Yes we have all at one point or another…in one situation or another…sold ourselves short from what we deserve. BUT, Aunt Becky is right…once you do it and realize what you’ve done…you know you will NEVER do it again.

    So…pick yourself up…dust yourself off…get a tattoo if you need to…and move on to bigger and better things girl! CAUSE YOU DESERVE IT!

  • Sherry says:

    In my old age I have learned that the men who like to control women choose women who already have low opinions of themselves and feel little to no self-worth. These men will totally control you, manipulate you, torture you and make you feel like you not only deserve it but brought it on yourself by not being good enough to please them. Well, fuck that shit. Number 1 thing to do… get counseling. Learn to love yourself, honey because until you know for yourself that you are worth more than gold, you will most likely end up in yet another shitty relationship. Once you believe in yourself you’ll no longer let these losers in your life, much less allow them to control you.

    Another little tidbit of information about this kind of man… when confronted by another man they will almost always back down. They are chickenshit motherfuckers. The last man that tried to hit me was on the ground before he could get a good swing in. I took it as a younger woman because I felt like I deserved it. Things have changed. I didn’t deserve it then and I don’t deserve it now. Find your inner goddess, sweetie. And learn self defense :-)

  • Si Dawson says:

    This goes both ways.

    Women hitting men is just as bad. Yep, I’ve experienced that. Once.

    So, some tips (& it took me, hmm, maybe 10 years to realise all this, so no rush) – & these go both ways, M or F hitting a partner (whether M or F).

    1. NEVER believe anything they say, particularly apologies & “I’ll never do it again.” If you can’t trust them not to hit you, you can’t trust anything that comes out of their mouths. Yes, they might change, but it ain’t gonna happen over night, & not while you’re around. Think 10 years+, if ever.

    2. No second chances (see point 1).

    3. Get the hell out, & get anyone you love (kids, etc) away from the person too. At this point, expect the lies/promises etc to come thick and fast (see point 1)

    4. I re-iterate what Becky said. You are NOT responsible for their actions, words or feelings. Imagine yourself with someone who loved & respected you. If you got upset & said something ill-advised, or insulted them, how would they react? Ideally, with love. Well, that’s where you should be (&, also how you should be aiming to behave towards your partner too, but that’s another story)

    5. Most importantly: GO EASY ON YOURSELF. You’re in a rough situation, experiencing this stuff. You made a mistake. We all do. It takes a while to heal. Go easy on yourself. For ALL OF IT. I can’t stress this enough

    The good news is, they’re an ex. Now you just have to keep them that way. & yes (thanks Mario), delete ALL contact info from them (email/im/twitter/facebook/phone/etc). Make it as easy on yourself as possible.

  • T says:

    If you use his logic then it should be ok for him to kill somebody or anyone else that’s gets pissed off. He sounds like a loser that should remain an X, a permanent X.

  • Krissa says:

    Awesome response. I couldn’t have said it any better.

  • I was a domestic abuse victim for 26 years. I still have nightmares almost every night. Do not be me.
    I’ve learned that it all boils down to learning to ‘like’ yourself and to value yourself enough that you won’t allow yourself to be degraded this way.
    Seriously…it’s that simple.
    I’ve also learned that when we view ourselves badly then we ‘set’ ourself up for a lot of our pain.
    So, how does one raise the bar? How does one not ‘settle’?
    Learn to like yourself. Look in the mirror every single day and find one small thing you like about yourself. And then, smile at yourself. Over time this will literally change your perception of how you view yourself. You will then subconsciously raise your standards of what you will accept from others.
    It’s been eight years since I left my ex. I literally feel like a butterfly that has emerged from a cocoon… I am woman, hear me roar. I am not who I was…
    Good luck to you sweetie. :)

  • Maria says:

    It was not your fault that he hit you, he did that because he is a poor excuse of a man who cannot control his temper tantrums.

    We’ve all done stuff at least once that we are not proud of and has made us feel stupid and humiliated. The feeling will pass and you are worth just as much as you were before this nasty experience.

    So even if you still feel humiliated and dumb for doing what you did, just remember that every woman out there has had a similar experience at least once, even if it was not sexual, we’ve all done something stupid and demeaning in some form. So at least don’t feel alone and just breathe through it.

  • pattypunker says:

    not your fault.
    not a poor excuse for a woman.
    now listen to aunt becky, and make sure he remains a big eX.

  • cathyjoy says:

    been there, done that, got.the.stinkin.STD…and the bruises. run, run as fast as you can and don’t look back. there ARE good guys out there (i know cuz i found one) and yours is out there waiting for you!

  • Laura says:

    Nothing new to add, just another voice of support. Not your fault. No reason for one person to hit another. Period. Let it go, move on, don’t look back. You’re worth taking care of.

  • Follow the advice of these sage ladies.

    Now, do you want me to find this guy and beat the shit ut of him?

  • Jill says:

    Not your fault at all. No woman deserves to be hit.
    That guy is not worth your time.

    Like many of the commenters above said: Lose his number.

  • Julie says:

    It was very brave of you to put this out there. You know it is wrong…we know it is wrong…however that does not mean that you or any of us would not let it happen…ONE TIME!!!
    Thank you for starting the week off with a very very good reminder to all of us…abuse is abuse…nothing more, nothing less….
    Walk away with your head held high…for yourself and for the others that you have just encouraged to do the same!
    Thanks for your strength and we love you!!!!

  • Cara says:

    This is exactly why abuse is a cycle. The abuser makes the person they hurt think that it is entirely thier fault. It is never the persons fault who gets hit! No matter what they say! Negative words do not justify abuse. Ever!

  • Kelly says:

    No one deserves to be hit, or to be made to feel like being hit is their fault or in anyway okay. Aunt Becky is so right in this, and every other commentor. Dump this douche bag, and find a guy who will treat you right.

  • Maniacal Mom
    Twitter: Maniacalmom
    says:

    You are worth so much more than a slap, hit and run and insults! It’s hard to take the steps to cut toxic people out of your life…believe me…ask any woman who has a heartbeat and oxygen in her lungs! I agree with the gals that say step by step…it takes moments not monuments to cut him out of your life! Delete him from facebook, block him so he can’t re-friend you. Take him out of your phone book, delete his email from your address book. Remember how shitty you felt the last time when he tries to contact you the next time to “just hang out” Do your utmost best to not go and do things that put you in the temptation of seeing him and falling for his bullshit again. Find ways to do things that do not cross paths with him…ever. It will not be an easy path…but you can do it!!!

  • Mama says:

    NOT. YOUR. FAULT. PERIOD. Abuse is abuse, and this is typical. I was also an abused spouse. I did not think I was worth anything, so my next relationship was also abusive. Do not get into another realationship until you learn to accept yourself. You are precious and no one can take that from you. You must not beat yourself up over this. You have obviously learned something from this because you wrote the letter to AB. Take what you have learned and run far away from this miserable excuse of a human. Do not ever contact him again, and ignore any attempts on his part to contact you. He cannot abuse you again if you are not around him.

    I agree with the posters that stated you should contact a rape crisis center. What happened is not sex with an ex, but an abusive and criminal act on his part. You need to talk with someone to get over the feeling of guilt that you have. The rape crisis counselors deal with these feelings in every woman that they talk to. That is what they know and deal with. Talk to them. They can help you shed this guilt.

    Most of all, remember that you are special. You will find someone out there for you that will treat you like you deserve to be treated. It took me 10 years (that seems to be a magic number eh Si?) to truely accept myself and love myself, and then I met the man of my dreams. I am now being treated as I deserve and want. And it goes both ways. I treat him with respect just the same as he does me.

    Move past this, learn from it, take with you what you need from this experience, and leave the rest in the past where it belongs, right along with your ex. And remember, us Pranksters are here for you to lend an ear (or keyboard) any time you need us. {{{hugs}}}

  • Starfish says:

    let me get this straight.

    exbf wanted a sex act you didn’t want to do

    you argued

    he hit you

    said sex act occurred?

    honey, he not only assaulted you, he sexually assaulted you. just because it wasn’t a stranger and it wasn’t by force doesn’t make it not “rape”. he used fear, obligation, intimidation, guilt to force you to do something you had previously stated you didn’t want to do. please go to the police, report him and have him charged. what he did is so wrong on so many levels and you did NOT deserve it.

  • Chris in PHX says:

    wow, you so didnt deserve that! Regardless of what or why it happened it was his bad not yours. I would suggest telling your big brother (if you have one) or hell even an uncle or your dad what happened. If they are anything like me or my family they will make it crystal clear to him that he was seriously wrong if you get my drift.

  • mumma boo says:

    This is NOT your fault. You were assaulted, physically and sexually. I agree with the others who suggest talking to a rape crisis counselor. Remove this bastard from your life, pronto. You deserve so much better. Stay safe, sweetie. ((((HUGS)))))

  • Milla says:

    I keep going back to the point where he didn’t respect you wishes – wanting you to do something you didn’t want. Already there, he proved he’s not worth you. No means no.
    Straighten your back, be proud and love yourself.

  • DO NOT TAKE AWAY HIS RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS. Despite what he may tell you, he is neither a wild animal NOR a child who doesn’t know better. He is an adult. He is a human. He has NO EXCUSE for allowing himself to lose control. The fact that he has the gall to blame YOU for his loss of control tells me that this guy doesn’t think he’s an abuser and rapist. But he is. You may not want to call him that, but you had sex with him under threat of force, and that is the definition of rape (in addition to others). Telling yourself that you could have stopped him by saying or doing the right thing is a dangerous lie that he wants you to believe, so that you’ll come back to him and he can abuse you some more. There is only one thing that you can do to possibly change things, and that is to GET OUT ASAP. That you didn’t run away doesn’t mean he’s not guilty.

    You are really, really, REALLY down on yourself. It comes through in every phrase of your question. Darling, please find someone who will prop you up emotionally, until you believe in your soul that no one, ever, for any reason, has the right to treat you the way this man did. Please seek help (professional or otherwise) disentangling yourself from this guy, and to get your head, heart, and body in a better place.

  • Kendra says:

    I think the thing about compromising who you are is that you always feel like you’re the only person who ever did it; it’s so humiliating that it’s not like other people are walking around laughing, saying, “You’ll never guess the ridiculous mistake I made!” So you figure that there must be something wrong with you that you made this horrible mistake.

    When I was in high school, I surrounded myself with some pretty unsavory people. I was desperate to be liked and so put up with a lot of things, that, looking back, I can’t believe I never stopped. It wasn’t until it became physical that I took any action. And to this day, I’ve never really admitted to anyone the names they called me, the behavior I put up with, in the name of belonging–because I am secrety sure I’m the only one who was ever that stupid.

    Bravo for you, Anonymous, for admitting to doing something dumb. You are not alone, and you are never responsible for someone else hurting you, even if you made a bad decision before or afterward. (That one took a long time for me to learn.) I hope that knowing you’re not alone helps you to make sure you won’t make that particular mistake again.

  • Gowan says:

    This was rape. You said no to a sex act, he hit you, then you did it. That is clearly, definitely, and in all ways rape. It doesn’t matter what you said. Words aren’t blows. It doesn’t matter that you consented to sex before, or different sex acts.

    You said no, he hit you. He physically struck you, and he raped you. Your feelings of responsibility are very common, and I feel your pain there. But you didn’t make him do it. He chose to hit you. There is no way to *make* a good man rape.

    So much support. Don’t listen to the thoughts about how this could somehow be your fault. Unless you grabbed his fist and smacked yourself with it, this was HIS FAULT. I would strongly consider a restraining order and filing a report. There are people out there who understand exactly what you have been through, and there are resources and avenues for you to take.

    Good luck, and much love.

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