Dear Aunt Becky,
We all know that men have different sex drives than women. Fine. Ok.
Is there such thing as a female sex drive peak? I heard that dudes get to a peak in their early-to-mid twenties, whereas women rock it in their later twenties and into the thirties. Is any of this true?

I hope so, because my vajayjay has been a bit sad since the post-partum belly smiled down upon it.

-Sandy VaGina

I remember, Gentle Reader, hearing the same thing years ago and being fairly certain that I would probably have to either invest in a cadre of electric boyfriends or take a much younger lover.

Turns out, the whole sexual peak is referring to sex hormones. During the late teen years, testosterone is at it’s highest in men and with females, estrogen is at it’s highest around age thirty.

But, as with anything else, individual results may vary.

I’ve been trying to remind myself, just because something is “supposed to be” doesn’t mean it is. I was “supposed to” breastfeed away the 60 pounds I put on with my kids, and somehow, that just didn’t happen.

My own libido is tied directly into my self-esteem so if I’m feeling like Shamu’s land-dwelling cousin, Aunt Becky, you’re fucking skippy I’m not exactly jumping into the sack like a blubbery tiger. I know if I have a baby hanging from my boobie 23 hours of the day, I’m not feeling like a roving sex goddess either.

I’m betting that’s all you need: a little tweaking of the mind or the situation and you’ll be all about The Sex.

Dear Aunt Becky,

My 10 month old is at this very moment trying to cut six teeth. Six. At once. It’s really awful for all of us, but at least he won’t remember the experience. Ouch.

But all of these teeth coming IN reminded me that eventually they have to fall OUT and if I recall my own childhood changing-of-the-teeth it’s a far less painful but considerably more GROSS process.

How exactly does one prepare to meet that first proudly displayed loose tooth being waggled back and forth and back and forth and…ugh, yeah, without puking? And the potential blood? And then the squishy gaping HOLE that will be, again, proudly displayed? The tooth that won’t come out and needs parental assistance?

Since it’s already been agreed that I will be the one talking about the sex it’s totally okay if I make the Husband deal with the ICKY ICKY teeth, right?

Sincerely,
I’d rather have to explain anal sex than have to pull a tooth, srsly.

Anal sex is pretty easy to explain, you know, because there’s ASTROGLIDE, which is full of the AWESOME, and I’m guessing your kid probably won’t want to talk much beyond that.

BUT ANYWAY.

Teeth? I got no issues with. Vomit? FUCK YOU GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME DON’T TOUCH ME DON’T LOOK AT ME DON’T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. But teeth, whatever.

I think that if teeth is your kryptonite (had to look up how to spell that btw), than this is what you need to do: make a pact with your spouse. He/she takes care of Teeth Duty while you take over for something that they cannot handle because that’s the way it works when kids get older and grosser.

The Daver manages most vomit-related things while I, well, cower in the corner in a HazMat suit spraying the air with Lysol and bleach.

You may find that it’s not quite as gross when it’s YOUR kid’s bloody tooth socket. If it is, you can always tell the kid that the Tooth Fairy pays extra if Mommy doesn’t have to deal with any blood, teeth extraction or admiration of the empty space. Kids are suckers for a good deal.

Dearest Aunt Becky—–

Last year I fell into a deep, scary depression in October/November. It was so bad that I dropped out of college. Heeding the advice of my counselor, I didn’t go back for Spring Semester–I continued treatment and eventually got back to a steady plateau. I didn’t start this Fall Semester because my loans caught up with me and I’m trying to dial them down before I go back full-time. Plus, I’m worried that I’ll become depressed again this winter. I’m happy where I’m at right now, though; living on my own and I have a kick-ass job.

My family, however, thinks that I’m never going back to school and that I am now, “Such a waste of potential!” and “Would have been such a great nurse.” I am still going back to school! I am just not willing to get so sick like I was last year, I don’t know how to respond when they talk down to me and say what a waste I am. What I want to say is, “It would have been a waste of potential if I’d killed myself last year!” But I don’t think I should do that? Any suggestions?

Future RN (Just not Today)

Well shit, girl, you’re not a waste of potential and anyone who thinks that is fucking stupid and should get the shit kicked out of them for saying that sort of thing. That’s cruel. Period. And I’m sorry anyone would say that to you. You shouldn’t have to hear that.

Being healthy is a zillion times more important than anything else and you’re smart to wait until you’re ready. Nursing school is fucking brutal and anyone who hasn’t been through it wouldn’t know how bad it really is.

And here’s where I’ll relate to you: my parents (the ones who made fun of me for going to nursing school) still think I’m going to go back to being a nurse. They’re holding out some sort of bizarre hope that I’ll suddenly realize that ‘WHOOPS!! Actually, I LOVED being a nurse!!!!’

Apparently my dad’s Facebook page says that I’m going to “go back to being a nurse soon” or something. It’s weird. Whatever.

Anyway. Obviously, they’re kinda delusional because I’d rather pour molten magma up my asshole than go back to being a hospital nurse. Not. Gonna. Happen.

But how can you deal with this?

Well, if I were you, the next time someone talks to you about being a “wasted potential” I’d probably retort snappily with exactly what you said, “better this than dead!” Or “well, you know what? I’m happy now.” And if that doesn’t shut them down, you really need to sit them down and level with them.

“Look, you can’t talk to me like this anymore. You’re upsetting me and it’s not fair. I am going back to school, but right now this is what I’m doing and I’m happy with it. If you cannot respect this and respect me, then maybe we don’t need to see each other right now.”

I wish you the best of luck and you need to remember that you–YOU–come first.

Nursing school can wait.

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

53 Responses to Go Ask Aunt Becky

  • Zakary says:

    I’m not down with teeth OR vomit.

    I’m a terrible mother since children have both regularly.

    And there should be an age limit on Facebook. My great aunt is 72 years old and found me on FBook andnow I can’t say shit about shit because she will call my mother.

    She also emails me to tell me that working at a bar isn’t a “real job”. Perhaps, but I went home last night with a fat, fat wad of cash and a mean buzz, so it seems pretty real to me.

    XO.

  • Lippy says:

    Interesting questions today. I dropped out of college after two quarters, I didn’t have a good reason like depression. I had a boyfriend and just couldn’t be bothered to go to class. Oh wait, actually I got kicked out for my gpa. My mom was so pissed, she told me I should get married and have kids and “at least then I would have done something with my life” I was 19. I bring that up every chance I get. So start thinking now of all the crap you can say to your family when you do go back and finish.

    Teeth don’t bug me too much. Owen’s teacher is the designated puller for the school. Other teachers will send kids to her, and if it is almost out she will finish it off. She even has cute little containers to put the tooth in. So you may never have to worry about that aspect. The best part of marriage is negotiating who take care of each skeevy thing.

  • flutter says:

    you really should do this for a living.

  • Fizzle says:

    1) I’m feelin’ the sentiment about the vomit. Blood– fine. Open body cavities– neat. Cadavers– smelly but interesting. Vomit…….EWWWWW.

    2) Your dad has Facebook? My mom still reads the *step by step* instructions I wrote out for her when she sends email.

    3) Future RN- I made a pact with myself in med school thus:
    If I can’t do this and be happy, I don’t want to do it…. i.e., If I barely pass but pass all the same– I’ll be a doctor. I’m not going to be a gunner and kill myself trying to be all “full of the Awesome” just to get good grades and be miserable. Life is life. School is so you can get a job. A job that you hopefully will hate less than a job you would have gotten had you not gone to school. So if you’re happy at your job– stay there until you’re in the mood to go back to school. Make yourself happy and healthy, then worry about making others healthy. *Chin up*

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      My dad has a Facebook he never checks and is aware of my blog but (*crosses fingers*) never reads it. Because I’m pretty sure I’m a Fat Old Wasted potential here.

      I was supposed to be a doctor too. Not a nurse or a writer.

      • Fizzle says:

        If I honestly thought I could succeed, I’d rather be a lot of things. (Wedding planner, high school calculus teacher, etc.) Kudos to YOU, Aunt Becky, for being the one to follow your dreams instead of people-pleasing your way through life!

        • Your Aunt Becky
          Twitter: mommywantsvodka
          says:

          Oh you are too kind to me, my friend! If I thought I could con my way into medical school now, I WOULD. But I can’t. You are my hero. Don’t doubt it for a second.

  • Fizzle says:

    PS- My mom kept my teeth in little baggies until I was 14. When I found them. And gagged. And accused her of having some strange mental issue… thereby coercing her into throwing them THE FUCK away.

  • I am with Aunt Becky 1000% on the divide and conquer school of parenting. I am beyond squeamish with voms and poops and ticks on the dog, but have no issue with things like wiggly teeth, applying wax to braces or washing my son’s STANK gym clothes. You just have to hope that you have found the yin to your yang, in terms of the heebie jeebies.

  • Badass Geek says:

    On that last question, you’ve got it exactly right. Personal health comes before all else.

  • Kendra says:

    I think the teeth thing is hilarious. They don’t bother me at all, and I happily admired every waggle as my son lost his baby teeth–almost all out now, and he’s only 6 1/2, so we got through that quick! But dog vomit (which we have more of around here than I want to think about) leaves me on the floor, with a handful of paper towels to clean with, gagging, eyes watering, while my husband looks on in amazement. So we all have things that get to us. Absolutely, tell him that you’ve got the sex talk if he’ll take teeth. I’d say he’s getting the easier job, but that’s just me.

    Speaking of sex, mine is absolutely tied to self-esteem too. That, and how much I’m dying to have three inches to myself on that day. So if you’re feeling like you’re never going to get your desire back (and all the numbers say you’re “supposed” to be), try doing things that make you feel good and desirable, whether it’s fancy underwear, a pedicure, or exercise (which does it for me, though that doesn’t get me to exercise more often, sadly). And hopefully you’ll be feeling desire and desirable soon.

    I’ve been through depression too, and it’s horrible and scary and (at least for me) embarrassing. I felt like I had failed at life. But you did the right thing, knowing when it was time to get help and what you should do to take care of yourself. If you’re happy at your job, that’s wonderful. That’s more than a lot of people get, with or without college. If you’d like to go back, terrific. The world sure needs nurses. But the people who tell you you’re wasting your potential? Then can go to hell.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I think I know who to go to the next time Aunt Becky goes on vacation. I was in my hotel room last Saturday, wiped out, and all, who the hell can I email and beg them to come up with some last minute advice? NOW I KNOW. BEWARE.

  • Patty Punker says:

    so astroglide is the way to go? you give THE best advice aunt becky! always.

  • Beth says:

    It amazes me what parents can say to their children in the name of *helping* them. You gave good advice to that future nurse.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Parents can be so hurtful and it’s so devastating. I’m sure you hear this stuff all the time and I can’t imagine hearing it and not being able to smack the poo out of the parents. Gah.

  • Mystern says:

    Wow, this is the first I’ve heard of the Ask Aunt Becky series. I’ve got to say that I likey. Honestly, I completely agree with all the advice you’ve given, especially concerning the “waste of potential”

    Growing up in my family I heard that a lot and eventually came to realize what a crock of shit it is. If you’re so unhappy with the way I’ve lived my life, why don’t you just come over and live it for me? No? Then shut the fuck up.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I am glad that you like it and I’m pretty sure I have another person that can fill in for me when I need to go on vacation. You sound like you could probably tell it like it is.

      And I’m sorry anyone told you that BS. I got a lot of that when I quit nursing and it broke my heart (when I was feeling delicate). I feel less delicate now and, like you, I know it’s a pile of bullshit.

  • Lisa says:

    To the future RN – please don’t hate me, but I would like to offer some possible thoughts about your parents’ side (yes, I said it) of things. I only say this because sometimes if you really understand the other side, then they lose the power to hurt you- as much.

    As parents, we want the best for our children. You start out as completely helpless and we are in COMPLETE CONTROL, and we spend the next 18 years trying to figure out how to loosen up on the reins.

    If your parents are good people, then remember, they would probably give up their very lives for you (as I would for my children). That kind of love can really mess a person up lol when you have to rein it in. It makes us act incredibly controlling, like crazy people! It is almost like if we can “make” our children do what we think is best, then the “means” don’t matter. You would do almost anything to make your child’s life turn out “right”.

    Does this excuse their comments or actions? NO. But what this realization can do is to get you to understand that there is nothing wrong with what you are doing. It is just different from what your parents want. So it is not that you are living an inferior life, or are wasting your potential in reality, you are just not doing what they want. They are saying hurtful things to try have control over your life.

    You are fine. Your choices are fine. Your parents are just saying whatever they think will push you into doing what they think is right. So find some comfort in the knowledge that your life is a success. Your parents have just let the crazies overtake them, but it is probably motivated by intense parental love.

    Enjoy this time of independence and self discovery. You too will be a parent someday, and will have the crazies overtake you as well! :)

  • Iris Silk says:

    Great advice, Aunt Becky! Just discovered your blog and I love it! I hated vomit when my kids were little, too. Their Dad was the designated vomit wiper-upper. I was nowhere to be found!

  • Yvette says:

    Such wise words. My daughter tried Nursing School and had one of her first patients die on her. She never went back.

    Nursing school is brutal, been there twice (long story) and it’s not for everyone.

    You cannot take care of others effectively if you haven’t taken care of yourself. That is true as a mother and/or a nurse.

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      Nursing school is hella brutal and trust me, it’s one of my biggest regrets (finishing it instead of listening to my gut). Your daughter is a wise woman although I’m sorry it had to happen that way.

  • Melanie says:

    Ahh, “supposed to”. What a horrible phrase that is! There is a great deal of freedom in letting go the “supposed to” ideas in our lives and simply accepting what is…starting exactly where we are, with a lot of loving-kindness and compassion toward OURSELVES, and moving toward who we were meant to become- which might be exactly who we already are.

  • Jules says:

    Wow, I am late to the party, but I just discovered your blog!! Your commenters and comment section is just as interesting (if not more so) than your blog itself!! What a delight. K, I have to go catch up now…..

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      My commentors are freaking incredible. I somehow managed to have the best group of merry pranksters in the blog world and TRUST ME, I never take them for granted.

      It’s very nice to meet you.

  • OH MY GOSH. The baby teeth. They come out? I totally forgot about that.

    That means with two kids I’ll have like 40 tiny teeth littering my already warped, vomit, food and blood spattered floor of my awesome double wide trailer (that doesn’t include my husband’s teeth, he tends to lose them whenever he bites the caps off of his Schlitz beer)

    • Your Aunt Becky
      Twitter: mommywantsvodka
      says:

      I’m looking at my 8-year old’s teeth that appear to go at all odd angles and find myself sort of missing the days of baby teeth. But, you know, I also have someone who is cutting teeth too. DAMN KIDS ON MY LAWN.

  • Elly Lou says:

    While I was going through chemo someone was horrified that I’d put on a pound or two with the steroids. She was all, “but you should be losing weight!” and “I love when I get sick and drop a few pounds.” Sigh. I’d bet someone is overcompensating for something they regret in their own past. I want to give Future RN (or whatever she may or may not become in the future) a big squishy fresh from the laundry smelling hug.

  • Ann's Rants says:

    My son is losing teeth as I write this.

    The WEIRDEST part is that those front teeth move around every night, even though they aren’t loose enough to fall out yet.

    So one day he looks like opie and the next like Lauren Hutton.

    Been lurking around your blog, and am amazed by your bloggy prowess. Great site.

    Ann

  • Lucy says:

    Dude, why would you friend your father on Facebook? That’s just asking for trouble. Remember – you can’t pick your relatives, but you can pick your friends, just don’t pick your friends’ noses.

  • sarah says:

    I had not thought of the losing teeth thing. Tonight’s nightmares are lining up in queue as i type this. Fabulous.

  • Cara says:

    My daughter is freaked out by blood and did not want the first wiggly tooth to fall out. It was tramatic when it did.

    The school nurse took care of the 3rd and 4th (thank you very much!)

    She is now working on the 8th and is an old pro. I have to do nothing concerning teeth, except for remembering to put a dollar under the pillow.

  • Sarah says:

    To the Future RN:

    Except for the fact that I would never be a nurse or anything medical because, ew, I had nearly the exact same situation. I dealt with being depressed for the first year and a half of college. I hated life and just didn’t want to wake up. Luckily, the National Guard deployed me, so I didn’t have to “drop out” per se, but I did nearly fail out in those first three semesters… Not a great situation. I’m sure at the time I could’ve told you what my mother said and thought, but I don’t care and so I’ve since forgotten. Suffice it to say there were probably a lot of potential talks happening. “Sucking it up” and such phrases were probably used.

    I’m still working on the degree (online). I have an awesome job that I love, that pays more than anyone in my family (with their shiny degrees) makes. (And I’m not even a high-class call or anything. It’s a totally legit job.) I’m going to get the degree, but being happy and healthy is a lot more important to me. I’ve tried grownup conversations, but my mom doesn’t believe a child ever gets to be a grownup. I just ignore her. It still really stings that I’m measured not on who I am as a person, what I’ve accomplished without a degree, or that I am healthy. However, I really don’t care what she thinks. She lived her life and made her choices. I’m doing the same, and it’s my life to live.

    If your family can’t accept that they’re hurting you and won’t stop making snarky comments, you may just have to learn to deal with it, knowing you’re doing what’s best for you.

    And for those who want to present the parents’ side… All children know the side their parents are on. We’re not idiots. Parents made their choices in life. Let the little birdies leave the nest and learn to fly…

    • Sarah says:

      To the Future RN:

      Except for the fact that I would never be a nurse or anything medical because, ew, I had nearly the exact same situation. I dealt with being depressed for the first year and a half of college. I hated life and just didn’t want to wake up. Luckily, the National Guard deployed me, so I didn’t have to “drop out” per se, but I did nearly fail out in those first three semesters… Not a great situation. I’m sure at the time I could’ve told you what my mother said and thought, but I don’t care and so I’ve since forgotten. Suffice it to say there were probably a lot of potential talks happening. “Sucking it up” and such phrases were probably used.

      I’m still working on the degree (online). I have an awesome job that I love, that pays more than anyone in my family (with their shiny degrees) makes. (And I’m not even a high-class call girl or anything. It’s a totally legit job.) I’m going to get the degree, but being happy and healthy is a lot more important to me. I’ve tried grownup conversations, but my mom doesn’t believe a child ever gets to be a grownup. I just ignore her. It still really stings that I’m measured not on who I am as a person, what I’ve accomplished without a degree, or that I am healthy. However, I really don’t care what she thinks. She lived her life and made her choices. I’m doing the same, and it’s my life to live.

      If your family can’t accept that they’re hurting you and won’t stop making snarky comments, you may just have to learn to deal with it, knowing you’re doing what’s best for you.

      And for those who want to present the parents’ side… All children know the side their parents are on. We’re not idiots. Parents made their choices in life. Let the little birdies leave the nest and learn to fly…

  • Sarah says:

    *Was just trying to edit. I’m a little slow with the technology.

  • Mikey D says:

    In reply to Our Future RN:

    I would also add in there that it’s too soon to be told that you are/have “wasted potential”. You are still young, and can still follow your dreams.

    Also on a more personal note, if you are already wasted potential that means I’m even more wasted, and I’m not ready to come to terms with that!

    Lets say you have just yet to achieve your natural potential. As long as you are still capable of reaching whatever goals you set for yourself you aren’t wasting anything.

  • JennyMac says:

    Sandy VaGina? You are a riot.

  • mysteryj says:

    Reply to Future RN:
    You are taking responsibility for the person you are right now. You are no longer that depressed person. You have discovered ways to keep yourself strong. You are the only one who can express your feelings, your personality and your potential. People will judge you based on marriage, motherhood, your occupation, education, your age, religion and weight. People, including those who love you, will judge you. It’s a part of life. The fact is none of these labels fully describe you, in fact they limit you. Be proud of what you have accomplished. Many people never get there.

  • Funny, the first thing I say to my kids when they tell me their tummy hurts is: “Do you have to vomit?” B/c if the answer is “no,” then I can hang. If it’s yes, then get your ass to the toilet and I’ll see you when you’re done. CANNOT HANG WITH THE PUKE. AT ALL.

  • I just have to say-is there anything sexier than a belly panel? Nope, I assure you there is not.

  • Mary Sue says:

    And here’s where I’ll relate to you: my parents (the ones who made fun of me for going to nursing school) still think I’m going to go back to being a nurse. They’re holding out some sort of bizarre hope that I’ll suddenly realize that ‘WHOOPS!! Actually, I LOVED being a nurse!!!!’

    Oh, crap, I was hoping that’d go away eventually. My parents are resigned to me being a Totes Awesome Medical Supply Chain Professional, but everyone else is waiting for me to ‘wise up’ and get my butt back in a classroom, where I will work many, many more hours for much, much less money.

    Seriously, I have a coworker who at least once a week is all, “We *need* teachers like you!”

    And I’m all, “I *need* the updated mispick list, plzkthxbai.”

  • Stone Fox says:

    to future RN: take your time, babe. necrotic wounds and paperwork will still be there when you get back to nursing school. perhaps the people who are hassling you need a reminder that you are a grown woman and they can stop with the fucking pressure anytime now.

  • Constance
    Twitter: VovNwQxJvxNxg
    says:

    I found myself nodding my noggin all the way thugroh.

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