Dear Aunt Becky,
You seem to have really mastered this twitter thing. I mean, that’s how I found you, so it can’t be all bad. Just a few generics:
-Do you follow everyone who follows you?
-Is this the way to get more followers? Follow randoms and hope they follow you back?
-How do you make the magic where every person you respond to doesn’t show up in the twitter feed and only appears on your page? I’m sick of seeing @insertyourname here show up all over the place every time I need to respond to one of my flock.
That is all.
Well that, and really, followers? Did we have to call them followers Twitter? I feel like I drank the kool-aid.
Oh, my Gentle Reader, you are far too kind to compliment my Twitter prowess because really, I haven’t mastered it AT ALL. I’m pretty sure that 95% of my followers are the porn bot Blow Job Britney and the other 5% are people I’ve paid or blackmailed to follow me. If you’re still waiting on your check, by the by, sorry about that. I’m a terrible record keeper.
But I will try and answer your questions to the best of my ability.
First, let me explain blather on uselessly about Twitter for those blissful enough not to have an account. Twitter was designed to be a microblog which means that tweets are intended to be a mini-blog post. Also, it was designed to go to your cellphone as a text message (which is why you’re limited to such a short amount of characters).
When I first heard about it, from my source of all things social media-ish, The Daver, I was pretty dumbfounded because I was all, “dude, who would want to keep tabs on what I do 24 hours a day? I’m SO not interesting.”
I mocked it pretty heavily because it seemed to be the most narcissistic fucking thing I’d ever heard of, which, coming from me is saying a lot (I BLOG DAILY, PEOPLE). I mean, who gives a fucking shit about what I’m doing at 8:43 PM on Tuesday evening? Then I signed up for it myself. Then I doused my foot in ketchup and ate my humble pie and I liked every damn bite.
(full disclosure: I said the same thing about blogging, except for I was all, “what I ate for breakfast is NOT national news, Daver” and then I realized that the good blogs don’t have to be all about boring shit. MY blog is obviously not a GOOD blog).
Examples of tweets that suck (am using my own name as a reference):
*Come visit my store! Just listed adorable shoes for $7.99 http://marketersneedtogetafuckingclueyo.com
Marketing tweets are dull unless you’re actually a person and even then? People get annoyed when you’re all “COME BUY MY STUFF” because chances are, you don’t need to be reminded that something is for sale every 20 seconds.
*Am running to Target!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People do not give a shit if you’re running to Target, unless it’s to get ass-lube or hemorrhoid cream and even then, it’s only fun to laugh and point.
*lol my kids are so funny lol
Everyone thinks their kids are funny.
*Pick up your free dating report at whythefuckareyoufollowingmeyoustupidassbot.com
The Twitter bots, with the exception of BlowJob Britney are lame but probably an important part of the food chain. You don’t need to follow them back.
*Win an Olympus Camera RT: @pleasestoptweetingcontests to be entered.
The contest thing, well, everyone wants free stuff, but wow, that shit is fucking ANNOYING. My New Years Resolution (besides become an heiress) is to stop following people who tweet that shit constantly. Marketers are getting YOU to do their job for free.
*If you don’t respond to this tweet, you don’t love me enough and I’m deleting you from feed.
Histrionic people are dramatic whenever they’re not feeling like someone is paying them enough mind and they’re everywhere (usually Facebook, oddly). Whatever.
*@heidimontag I love you soooooo much!
I hate to break it to you, but @ing a celebrity is kinda douchy. They’re not going to reply to you, yo.
So that’s what’s annoying about Twitter, let’s get to the good shit, shall we? Because while most of you are no doubt bored shitless (as you should be), there is a point to all of this.
Do I follow everyone who follows me? No. Mostly, but no. Because why not? Except that it’s a fucking clusterfuck on there, but whatever. I miss a lot of stuff that goes on, so if something important happens DM me.
If you’re following BOTH parties who are having a private conversation, you get a lot of this:
@mommywantsvodka You are such a fucking spaz, Becky. Why did you put my Blackberry in the freezer?
@dwink well, at least I can properly manage to throw my socks down the laundry chute, Daver.
@mommywantsvodka what does that have to do with anything?
@dwink I’m deflecting. DUH. Also, did you happen to notice how light is playing off my face?
@mommywantsvodka Wait, huh?
@dwink I want a sandwich. Who is watching the kids?
What I’d suggest, my friend, is to download Tweet Deck and group your people into meaningful groups, or use the List feature on the Twitter home page so that you can make sure to catch the tweets you want to see, without having to see the bullshit like I showed you above.
So, if you want more followers, my suggestion is this: be interesting. The same goes for blogging. Make actual connections with people and be fucking interesting. And feel free to disregard every single piece of advice I have offered you. I don’t really understand Twitter either.
And the followers thing, that makes me totally uncomfortable too, because while I am very important (in my head) I think “followers,” I think cults, I think that guy in Texas and the people with the comet. So I say “Twitter,” “Facebook” or “The Internet.” Seriously. Or, if I’m referring to all of you, it’s just “This is what The Internet told me.”
As always, o! Internet, my Internet, I’d love to hear your take on The Twitter. My word, while The Gospel in my head, is totally not to be taken very seriously. Nor are any of my rules meant to be taken seriously. Notify your doctor of erections lasting longer than 4 hours. Viewer discretion, as always, is advised.