Go Ask Aunt Becky
Aunt Becky, this may sound like a frivolous question, given my many-year-happy-relationship with a NOT GAY dude. However, of the…ahem, more than 10 somewhat serious relationships I have had, over HALF have been with gay or bisexual men. Not OPENLY gay or bisexual men. The other kind – I am a many-year beard!
Not now, which is why my husband thinks I’m insane to dwell on this. And yet…I do. I check myself for residual gay-dude traits and wonder what it is.
You’re damn skippy I’d be dwelling on this, especially if my genitals resembled a vagina and not a penis and my chromosomes were, in fact, an XX and not an XY. I don’t know how you WOULDN’T develop a complex after being a beard for so many years.
But since so many of the gay men that I’ve known over the years have been some of the awesomest people I’ve ever met, I’d take that as a compliment. Rather than see it as “I turn men gay” I’d think of it as, these guys thought you were great enough to have a relationship with, and once the pressure of a relationship was there, it pushed the issue forward.
You were amazing enough to be their last relationship with someone of the opposite sex, obviously because you were just that cool.
I’ll turn this one over to my readers, because I’m interested to hear their perspective on this.
Dear Aunt Becky,
My BFF totally used to have my back. If my feelings got hurt, she would listen. If I was upset she was there to help. I could vent freely and without judgment. I was blindsided recently when all of a sudden I had someone do something rude to me, and when I went to talk to her about it, she told me that she did not want to comment on the situation since she was turning over a new leaf and trying not to “gossip”. Gossip? I was not asking her to yell the tale from the rooftops – I just wanted to be heard and sympathized with. I was not passing on info, this was something that was factual that happened to me…
What would you do, Aunt Becky, if your closest friend suddenly decided that if a problem you had involved another person, it was “gossip” and should not be discussed?
Signed,
Falling On Deaf Ears
Oh Gentle Reader, this HAS happened to me, and I remember that it made me feel like I was suddenly being a petty bitch. Really, I wasn’t, but it felt as though I was.
It sounds as though your friend has been abducted by aliens and has been replaced by a clone who walks and talks like her, but acts nothing like her, and I’m sorry for that, because, well, that’s depressing. Maybe the new alien friend will learn the customs of female friendship and realize that this is something that we do for one another. We listen and we get each others back when we need to.
Barring that, I’d suggest that you start a blog where you can freely complain about anything from Farmville on Facebook to how annoying wrapping gifts can be. Just…don’t use names or identifying characteristics. Trust me on that one. You DON’T want that coming down on you like a load of bricks.
Dear Aunt Becky,
I’ve been a mom for the last 13 years, most of it as a stay at home mom. I have 4 kids, a shitload of pets, and a hubby who can be a pain in the ass but is awesome nonetheless.
My question is about my brain. I have the attention span and brain power of a gnat now. (The “g” is silent.) Following complex thoughts, remember something other than appointments, and being able to read something longer than Chicka Chicka Boom Boom is… well… hard.
How can I wake my head back up with minimal effort? Cuz I’m lazy like that.
*scratches butt*
Wait…did you say something? I TOTALLY MISSED IT.
Hi Aunt Becky!
I am nineteen and I just miscarried my first baby. :\ The father had no idea that I was pregnant. My question is, do I tell him, even though the baby is gone? I feel like he would just be spiteful and make me even more upset than I already am… but does he have a right to know?
Thanks!
Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry that you had a miscarriage. I’ve had two and I know the hormonal ups-and-downs are terrible and that on top of everything else, I’m just so sorry. My heart hurts for you.
I don’t think that you need to tell the father that you had a miscarriage if you think that he’s just going to make you feel worse. You should find someone to give you some support, maybe a good friend, or someone close to you that you can really talk to. I know that a lot of local clinics and schools will have some sort of counselors that can arrange sessions to help you worth through some of what you’re going through because believe me, you’re not alone.
But no, I don’t think you need to tell him if you don’t want to. You should talk to someone, though.
Again, I’m really sorry. Picture Your Aunt Becky wrapping you up in a big fat hug.
—————–
As always, my Faithful Readers, please fill in where I left off, and rally around our friend who has miscarried her baby. She could use some love.
Oh my……all sorts of familiar topics today. I’ll just add my “been there done that” and send an extra hug for our friend. I had a miscarriage in high school. (Not just while I was a hig school student – but actually IN THE SCHOOL BATHROOM) and oh….. Not a nice memory. I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope you have someone in your lifethat can offer you support and comfort while you process this experience. I found that I was actually much more upset a few weeks after the fact, so now would be a good time to find someone to talk to about it. Planned Parenthood may be able to offer some counseling – or if you are in college, they usually have a clinic where you can speak to someone.
I love these Q & A segments you do! You give such awesome answers!
I’ve had 2 boyfriends turn out to be gay. Actually, one gay and one bi (who left me for a guy). I didn’t take it personally at all. The 100% gay one – I was honestly quite relieved to find out that he was. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me when there was a serious lack of sex going on, haha. The bi one- well, I knew going in. WORTH IT. 😉
To the girl who had the miscarriage:
I really think it depends on the relationship you have with the baby’s father, whether or not you should tell him. If it is a man that you are committed to and plan on being with for a long time (maybe forever) then you should definitely tell him. Holding something big like that in has a good chance of turning into resentment – either yours for him (because you had to go through all of that pain and he didn’t) or his for you (if he finds out years from now and is hurt that you didn’t tell him). On the other hand, if it’s someone you aren’t really serious about or you aren’t with anymore then do not put yourself through the additional stress and pain of telling him. Especially, like Aunt Becky said, if you really think he is going to make you feel worse. I’ve been through miscarriages and it was, quite honestly, the WORST pain I’ve ever felt. I really feel for you & I hope you have someone to lean on right now. xoxo
Also, the anti-gossip girl? Total bitch. What’s the point of a friend if she can’t/won’t be your shoulder when you need her?
I’ve had a few friends who always had gay partners, and I always thought that they were picking men who were really likely to be fundamentally unvailable. Its one of those self defeating behaviors some of us have that are pretty hard to follow and probably require a boatload more therapy than I personally am willing to follow through on. Kinda sucky but not that uncommon.
aww… I like hugs :))))
This is specifically for “falling on deaf ears”…go get your hair done. Your stylist will allow you to trash talk until the cows come home (and keep it all a secret when the cows come to get their hairs did.) It’s an art we learn in beauty school.
“It sounds as though your friend has been abducted by aliens and has been replaced by a clone who walks and talks like her, but acts nothing like her”
Ooooohhh! So that’s what happened to my best friend! It feels good to finally have an explanation.
I’m so sorry about the miscarriage. I’ve been there too.
As for the blogging thing. I totally bitch about Farmville on my blog. Or Farkle. I forget which. Point is, I bitch, and I’m good at it.
Beard? What does that mean; over here in darkest africa we use the word only to denote facial hair.
I was married to a closet gay for 10 years. Lovely guy, apparently still in the closet. Now (almost 20 years on) I still want to kick myself for wasting my twenties on a sex-once-a-year relationship that almost completely destroyed my selfworth and left me with a life-long weight issue. He used to say it wasn’t me, he just didn’t like sex that much. People! I was SMOKIN’ back then (and apparently also very naive) *kick* Oww.
It took me years of hard work, during which I had far too much risky sex-with-dodgy-guys-trying-to-prove-my-hotness, to sort my head out.
Gay guys make great friends but. Never again. Unless I’m really old and don’t like sex anymore hehe.
Hugs to the lovely 19 year old…sorry for your pain.
My hubby can say that he “converted” his wife from being gay…so there is an opposite of the first letter! Luckily he doesn’t have a big head about it or even care for that matter.
I agree with Aunty Becky that some of the most amazing people in my life are my gay friends and I like the answer of looking at yourself as someone incredible enough to attract someone like that. My gay friends so often impress me with their resilience and their enthusiasm and passion for life. Sometimes I want to thwack them over the head but all my friends evoke that response in me at some point or another.
And the gossip thing? Happens to me frequently with my mother, and I want to thwack her over the head for being dense and failing to be there for me. I like the alien theory.
Hugs for the miscarriage. 🙁 I hope you find strength in this difficult time.
Also, I’m with Katryn – what is a ‘beard’? Apparently I live under a rock or something…but it may be my mommy brain has leached out the ability to remember anything or keep a train of thought for more than 30 seconds. Wait. What was I saying? Hmmm. Oh well.
Oh and my grandma (who is AWESOME!) gave me a magnet after I had my first baby that I proudly hang on my fridge. It reads – I had a mind once. Now I have small children.
Hahaha…Oh so true!
A beard is used as a disguise. A physical beard keeps people from recognizing who you are, and a gay-beard keeps people from knowing you’re gay. These women have become beards.
Okay class, everybody gather around Miss Spoken for your gay slang lesson of the day….
The term “beard” is used to describe a woman who is used to conceal a man’s love of men, otherwise known as being gay. The “beard” is generally unaware that they are in fact being used as such.
Please note that a “beard” is not to be confused with a “merkin” which is when a lesbian uses a straight man as cover for her sexual orientation.
Class dismissed!
Interesting, I always heard Merkin used as a ‘wig’ worn by prostitutes. in the 1400s women would shave their pubic hair and wear a merkin to combat pubic lice, and prostitutes would wear them to cover up signs of disease, such as syphilis.
I don’t think I’ve ever dated a gay or bi-sexual man. But I do think Aunt Becky is right, they felt so comfortable with you, that they were able to come out, so to speak. I would look at it is a compliment, rather then a “WTF did I do?!”
I recently had a break-up with a BFF. Although, I’m not sure she is aware of it as she’s a very self centered person. I would try to remember that your friend isn’t someone to come to anymore and set out to find a real friend. Remember this instance when she wants to come to you to vent about something, cuz she will. It’s in our nature, as having the power of a vagina.
Note, lots of notes! My husband has absolutely no memory of anything I tell him. So I leave him notes all. the. time! It’s starting to help a bit.
I’m so sorry about your miscarriage. I wish you peace and am sending you lots of love. Miscarriages suck, to say the least. I think starting a blog is a good idea. telling someone who won’t understand is NOT what you should do right now. Talk to someone who is caring and will understand the situation. Please take care of yourself and be gentle with yourself. You really need that right now.
*HUGS*
Aww, to the lovely girl who miscarried- be strong hunny! I had a few miscarriages myself, and I too debated on whether or not to tell the father on once of those isntances. I never did and it was probably for the best- I found support among my lady comrades instead 🙂
Wow…imagine my relief to know I am not the ONLY one who’s slept with what turned out to be a gay dude…
I have so many thoughts…
1. Hmmm. While I admire the positive spin you have put on the advice you gave to the first letter, I fear that perhaps she needs to pull her head out of…the sand, and figure out her thing with gay men. I mean, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice (or 5 times!), shame on me.
2. Re: Falling on Deaf Ears – She should give her BFF another try. “Trying to stop gossiping” should last about 3 days, because it’s…boring.
3. You complain about Farmville? I complain about Farmville! But I can’t stop playing it anyway. It’s ridiculous. What’s the deal with the presents for the tree? I think I have too many “friends”. The gift giving is making me feel overwhelmed and guilty. Geez.
Ok so… here’s my shot at some advice 101…
1) Get over it. I know, I know, I am one mean bitch. But seriously, you are in a happy relationship with a NOT GAY dude, so why dwell on the past? Maybe you are gay? Just kidding! Obviously you are attracted to men with a keen sense of style and a love of all things fabulously antique, it’s totally awesome and if it were me I would be all proud of that shit. I mean seriously girlfriend, you helped 5 dudes come clean about who they really are. Instead of saying “I turned 5 men gay” (which you KNOW you did not do!) you should say “50% of my exes have hotter home decor than yours”.
2) Mmmhmm. Hate to sound harsh but your friend is tired of your whining. Sorry! I have done this to people. I am all about The Gossip. I love it and want to fuck it. I’m 100% sure most girls are this way. So when your friend uses this as an excuse, she’s la-hiiiiiiii-ing. Sure as shit. Do you reciprocate this with your friend? Do you support her, listen to her, build her up? If so, awesome. If not, you suck! I say take a step back. Are you whiny, clingy and negative? Do you really talk shit about a lot of people? Are you talking shit about a mutual friend (even if it’s just the facts?). If you feel you are 100% innocent, drop this bitch and go call another friend to talk shit about her. You’ll feel much better.
3) I am a mom. I have one (1) toddler. I work full time. I have shit mixed with cookie-barf and ground-up soggy bread for brains. You know what they say, once you pop one out of your hooch you never regain your gooch. Er. I meant, once you have a kid you never recover anything. Body. Spirit. Mind. Tropical vacations in which you are being fanned by a native Island boy who, luckily enough, is 18 years and 7 days. When I have conversations with my co-workers I am thinking that they surely think I am either a) Mentally Handicapped or b) On a high dose of illegal narcotics. I am, of course, neither. I am a mom. And I am dumb now.
4) I have had losses and I am so, so sorry. I don’t think you have to tell him. Especially if you think he will make you feel worse. Instead, call him and tell him to come over for sex. When he knocks on your door, open it and punch the ever loving shit out of him and slam the door. (Then lock it so he can’t come in.) You will feel so much better. In all seriousness, I am so very sorry. Nothing hurts as bad as losing your child. I am so sorry.
for the first question – I think you should feel proud that being in a relationship with you helped all of those closted men feel comfortable and confident enough to really be themselves. They had been hiding or denying their true emotions, but your friendship and presence in their lives allowed them to accept themselves. They are better off for having known you and that is something to truly be proud of.
for the last question – I am so sorry to hear about your loss. In your mourning, you do not need to tell anyone that you do not feel comfotable telling – and you shouldn’t tell anyone who won’t be supportive and sympathetic. This is not something that you should have to suffer alone, but you also shouldn’t be subjected to criticism or negativity.
To the last question, I would say that unless she’s certain he will make matters worse, she should tell him the truth, not because it is his “right” to know or anything (although personally I think he should know… she didn’t create the baby on her own), but because he may surprise her.
*hugs* to all.
(I hate wrapping too…)
To the 19 year old girl~
I miscarried my first baby, too. I was 1 week away from my wedding. The best day of my life and the worst day of my life are separated by 7 short days.
This I can tell you…your pain will subside. You will never forget your baby, but your pain will not be as great. I hope you can find someone to talk to and get through this. Miscarrying a baby is more common than you think. And remember…you didn’t cause this.
Grieve your own way. Name your baby if you think it will help. Even though you don’t know the gender, just name your baby. Use your favorite name, or a special nickname.
Most of all, remember that you are not alone. There are support groups. If you don’t think you can sit and talk to someone face to face, find an online group. There are several free groups.
I am truly sorry you are having to go through this. Sending thoughts and prayers to you, dear girl.
I am so sorry for your loss, my dear. So very very sorry.
*big hugs all around*
Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
Falling on Deaf Ears> Can I be honest here? I’m trying to quit gossiping, just like your BFF. I haven’t told my friends this, because a) yeah, it’s what women do and b) I’m probably not going to succeed in this quitting gossiping thing.
But I really want to, because it’s incredibly toxic. Especially when it’s about a friend. It was doing so much damage to my relationship with them, and everybody else too – instead of telling THEM ‘hey, you really hurt me’, I was raging to our mutual friends. So I was poisoning my friendship with them, and their friendship with everybody else.
I realised I couldn’t honestly say I was their friend when I was saying nasty things about them to other people. And, hell, let’s face it: it makes me a bitch. Not the fun kind of bitch either. The nasty, makes-her-friends-feel-uncomfortable-because-they-LIKE-the-person-she’s-complaining-about kind of bitch. It’s making me the kind of ugly you can’t cover up with a good eye-shadow.
Your friend has been incredibly supportive towards you. Maybe this is a chance for you to return the favour? All you have to do is, next time you want to have a whinge, call somebody who doesn’t know the person who’s upset you. Or, as Becky suggested, get a blog. Then, when you’ve finished venting, call your best friend and talk about pie, kids, or something that might be bothering her. Friendship isn’t just about what they do for you, it’s what you do for them, too.
Final thought: I want you to picture your BFF, sitting with the friends you’ve complained about, and all those things you’ve said to her about them, they’re saying about you. ‘She’s so inconsiderate, can you believe she did did THIS to so-and-so and THAT to such-and-such!’ ‘Oh, let me tell you what she did to me, I was so mad!’
Makes you feel a little bit sick, doesn’t it?