Glitter, Gold and I’m Not Your Bitch
Things that are bullshit:
My walls are butt-ugly. I know this because I’ve been staring at them for like 900 hours straight.
I need to call the doctor because I think I popped an internal stitch. I don’t KNOW this, but I think I did. Popping stitches is kinda bullshit.
Bedrest? More bullshit than you’d think. Especially when cockroach-y like myself. I’m sort of unable to move on my own, which sucks, because I AM alone today.
That song “All By Myself” is going through my head. That song is bullshit.
Spell check doesn’t recognize bedrest as a word, which makes me feel invalidated and insecure especially since Spell Check doesn’t think “Rebecca” is a word either, which it SO CLEARLY IS.
I have no Vicodin-Chip cookies because I am too sore to make them.
I found a number of cookbooks in my house when I was purging it. Cookbooks in my house are bullshit because I don’t cook. Especially WILLIAM SONOMA Cookbooks. Who the fuck did I think I was when I bought those? Martha Fucking Stewart?
Silent letters. What. The Fuck?
Things That Are NOT Bullshit:
Adding a silent “balls” to things when they’re awesome. Like silent letters, but better.
VEGAS, baby. December 10-12. I (still) Do is going on at the same time, so I’m joining forces with them so we can properly paint the town many shades of glitter. They’ve secured a block of hotel rooms at the MGM Grand and are having parties. I was just going to try and reenact Fear and Loathing and Las Vegas.
More bloggers means they can bail us out of jail we’re all, THIS HERE IS BAT COUNTRY, Pranksters.
Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups. They’re SO not bullshit.
HEAR HEAR!
you can send those cookbooks to me, lady. william Sonoma shit is expensive.
You are so right Reese’s are SO not bullshit. They are my favorite. I also like the Cancer is Bullshit shirt.
Wanna knock the song “All By Myself” out of your head? Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0f47gr60Kc&has_verified=1
It will be perma-implanted in your brain. (Please don’t hate me if you are seeing it for the first time.)
Well if you can sit at your computer, sidereel.com is FULL of not bullshit. It’s amazing.
Also, this is not bullshit- http://www.thinkgeek.com/caffeine/candy/d85e/
What is bullshit is that I can’t afford to go to Vegas. Like can’t even put it on my credit card. And that makes me want to kick a puppy š
What is total bullshit:
Freezing cold offices.
Self-important people with egos the size of Conan’s blimp
What is not bullshit:
Home improvements that make my kitchen pretty even though they take forever to complete
Aunt Becky
Please forward me the recipe for those vicodin chip cookies and while you’re at it can I borrow a quarter cup of vicodin? I’m fresh out.
I am so sorry for your pain. Really, I am.
But I feel I would be negligent in my comment leaving duties if I didn’t point out that popping a stitch is clearly the next big thing, in terms of dance crazes.
And you should get in the ground floor of that.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aunt Becky and The Real Anna Nicole, JR Reed. JR Reed said: RT @mommywantsvodka: Things that are kind of bullshit: http://mommywantsvodka.com/glitter-gold-and-im-not-your-bitch […]
You are popping it like its hot.
Gross: popping Internal stitches.
This warm weather is verging on bullshit because if those mosquitoes come back I will lose my ever loving mind.
Reeses are freaking awesome & deserve their own shirt.
Not so much popping internal stitches.
Things that are NOT bullshit: Rants about things that ARE bullshit from our wonderful Aunt Becky! Awesome!
popping stitches sounds horrifying. you should probs call your doc though. because in addition to ‘horrifying’ it sounds ‘not good for your healing’.
stay strong, aunt motherfucking becky. ALSO. can’t the daver bake a batch of vicodin chip cookies for you? baking cookies isn’t that hard. and it’s super manly, it’s all about science and shit.
How about a “Popping Internal Stitches is Bullshit” shirt. I’d totally buy one of those bad boys.
You KNOW that the Wreck of THe Edmund FitzGerald” ain’t bullshit Becky.
That song remains the shizzle, if only because it’s a true story (except for the parts that were just included to make the song work).
Bigh hugs!
Your real/fake boyfriend,
GF
Silent letters ARE bullshit. You’re so right. I’d also like to add misspelling words like so Kandy Korner. That’s bullshit too.
I prefer Valium-chip cookies, myself. Or Xanax-frosted brownies. But Vicodin-chip cookies will do in a pinch.
Not having ANY of these treats on hand?
Now, THAT is bullshit.
Fitted shirts are bullshit but ill still get one cuz they help me make friends.
Fitted shirts are bullshit but ill still get one cuz they help me make friends.
Those shirts are the bomb.
Reece’s peanut butter cups are THE BEST!
Your t-shirts ROCK!
Vegas, huh? My husband is there now. Maybe this would be the perfect opportunity for him to do some bonding with his children without me around . . .
Major plumbing failure is BULLSHIT too!
OK-as the mother of two kids with silent lettered names, I don’t think they are Bullshit(Paedric-pronounced PAD-RIC, and Angharad-pronounced ANN-HARA).
LOVE the shirts but living in the Bible-belt, don’t think I would be able to wear them without offending the world! š
OH and if you want to get the All By Myself out of your head go to http://www.elvis.com and view the new version of Suspicious Minds-ITS ALL KINDS OF AWESOME and fits in with your Vegas theme!!!
If I had any access to Vicodin I would certainly bake you some cookies, however here in the Children’s hospital(day 10 and counting) they keep that shiz under lock and key, lest any little kiddies get in to them. When I figure out how to pick the lock, I’ll let you know. š
I feel your pain at staring at the walls for an extended period of time. Hang in there. I love the new T-shirts!
DUDE the new shirts are full of the awesome. I love it. I would buy ever single one of them … and the chances of this happening are starting to become more and more likely.
Anyway, you know you are amazing. I am glad to see you are feeling better. Vegas is THE BEST. I wish I could go but I have to work, booooo.
Snickers aren’t bullshit, they’re milk chocolate, nugety, crack cocaine….of which I’m still main-lining thanks to my ever vigilant Halloween candy tweeker chitlins. Cause they know what their Papa likes.
MMMM…..xanax frosted cookies… mmmm…. Can I have some? Pretty please?
Im with the band in thinking you might want to call the Dr on the possibility of the popped stitches, We want you to get all healed and crap, and I am thinking that might not be the best thing for that.
Also, things that are bullshit;
Fucking insomnia is bullshit!
fake people are bullshit
things that are NOT bullshit;
Reeses PB cups
the first snow of the season…..
Aunt Becky`s t-shirts
My husband ate the last of the Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups…which is BS because he doesn’t even like peanut butter!!
Ball pain is bullshit
mommwantsvodka is not bullshit.
The walls in my house are butt ugly too. So I took a hammer to them yesterday…hubby was surprised to say the least. Now they’re less one ridiculous chair rail and getting attacked by sandpaper tonight. bwahahaha.
Bedrest is bullshit (as is spell check for not thinking it’s a word). Feel better. š
I think I need the recipe for these Vicodin Chip Cookies. Hope you feel better and stop being all cockroachy soon!
Flies buzzing around inside the light fixture above my head are bullshit. If only I had some actual bullshit to tempt them away from my desk…
Hope you didn’t pop anything important!
Girl, you’re my kind of crazy. Whatever your ills, feel better. Oh and the frequency with which my kid’s school closed for some kind of break or holiday is bullshit.
Dude. They’re ALWAYS freaking closed these days. It’s INSANE.
LOVE LOVE LOVE the T-shirts B. I so wish I could Rock the “I’m not your Bitch” Tee but due to the economy and being broke as a joke I just can’t afford it. I know right, that sounds ridiculous! Unfortunately since my kids are still sleeping on the floor (we moved here 3 months ago) I think they would beat me with socks full of bar soap if I bought one.
I have come to the realization that LIFE itself is a big steaming pile of bullshit or maybe just MY life…. What-eves, I am still breathing right? Well I guess what I am trying to say is, Thank you B. Thank you for making my huge shit pile of a life not stink for even the smallest amount of time. You are like a cool clean sweet smelling breeze that blows across the dung pile I am drowning in. So again B. Thank you <3
Aw, you bitch! You made me cry. I’m sorry shit sucks right now and I love you and YOU DON’T GET TO MAKE ME CRY LIKE THAT. Even though I love you.
Thanks for the love B. and I am honored to be one of your bitches! We will get through this, it is only money and other material things… No Big! I am looking in to making some money at home (because I still take care of my 4 y/o daughter) writing online. I hope I can count on everyone’s support if I get the job. Just keep swimming….Just keep swimming….Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!
You do not make deciding between “I kicked cancer’s ass” and “cancer is bullshit” for my mom any easier…
I would MOST DEFINITELY take cookbooks off your hands. Not only would I do that, but I would BAKE things from them (assuming they had baking-type things in them) and send them to you.
Sadly, though, I have no access to Vicodin.
Also, I’m still awaiting the day I have any amount of money in the bank. On that day, I will be ALL ABOUT some “Shut Your Whore Mouth” T-shirts.
There is so much bullshit in the world, it is impossible to catalogue. Which is another thing that is bullshit.
I heart your cancer is bullshit T. Because it so is.
I heard “Martha Fucking Stewart” doesn’t wear pants on Thanksgiving š
Now that’s bullshit! Although I think just about everything to do with Martha Fucking Stewart is Bullshit so the no pants wearing on Thanksgiving is just xanax icing on the cookies.
I really do need to see a “there’s a silent balls in that” t-shirt or something similar.
“Silent balls, holy balls.”
“Holy balls, Batman!”
“These aren’t the balls you’re looking for.”
Just got me a Not your bitch shirt to go with my Shut your whore mouth shirt. Did you see my blog about the adventure of the whore mouth shirt? http://thedisenchanteduterus.blogspot.com/2010/10/shut-your-whore-mouth.html
Hopefully this shirt will have just a fun of an adventure. š Hope your feeling better. Watching the walls sucks ass so I feel your pain!
I AM PISSED! Why is it that you come to MY house (Vegas) when I am not going to be home? You SUCK! I demand that you reschedule for the following weekend so I can be there to drink copious amounts of alcohol and heckle bachelor parties at Cheetah’s with you. Cuz we will be totally going to Cheetah’s! But no, you have to come over while I’m in freakin’ RENO! Who goes to Reno? Ugh.
You’re awesome and I know you’ll be back. They ALWAYS come back!
ALLLLLLLL BY MYYYYYSEEEEeeeEEElll llll lllllF don’t wanna be all by myyyyyyself anymooOOooOOoOOOOoOOOOOOrrrrrreeee!!!!! *pounds chest*
I actually think Xanax bars might exist, I read about someone committing a crime after eating some. Maybe that is bullshit. Haagen-Dazs Mango Sorbet is not bullshit.
Going to the motherfucking implant/cut open your gums and put in someone else’s motherfucking bone in my jaw dentist at 8:00 tomorrow morning is FUCKING BULLSHIT but going on vacation with all four of my husbands’s crotch parasites (two mine, two not) next week with a fucked up bridge is even shittier, so off I go to bed that I might bathe before I go to dental hell. And I will come out of there with pain pills, yey verily.
BEDREST. It is SO a word. When I was on bedrest and blogging about it I would make it two words just to avoid seeing that fucking red squiggle.
You seem like you’re doing better so yay for that.
I need to get a new SYWM shirt. The one you gave me at BlogHer is too small for my giant stupid tits. And that? Is bullshit. (my tits, not your generosity.)
Vicodin chip cookies not bullshit, if you want to send me the Vics I’ll bake you up a big ol batch, But I may have to taste test a couple just to make sure ya know.
Poor baby… You can just keep buzzing them folks ’til they bring you whatever it takes… Or, mail me a length of hair for my cauldron and I’ll take care of it, for you… Come visit when you can…
AB:
Whatever you do, DON’T LAUGH HARD! Or you will bust a stitch!
(I think that’s why they give us so much of the pain meds.)
On the plus side, this is a completely appropriate excuse to get a bell for your family to wait on you, hand and foot.
I think I’m in love with you…oh, and Rebecca so is a word, and so is bedrest.
It sounds like you’re having a rough time right now (just read the comment above this one where you’re about to cry, so I’m guessing that’s an indicator) but even when you’re about to cry, you had me laughing out loud. You are terrific and you have a great spirit.
My spell checker recognizes “spellchecker” as a word, but not “bedrest.” Interesting.
I don’t know if I can ever read a blog post by you again without picturing you as a metamorphosing creature with antennae. We’ll see.