Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

Glitter, Gold and I’m Not Your Bitch

November10

Things that are bullshit:

My walls are butt-ugly. I know this because I’ve been staring at them for like 900 hours straight.

I need to call the doctor because I think I popped an internal stitch. I don’t KNOW this, but I think I did. Popping stitches is kinda bullshit.

Bedrest? More bullshit than you’d think. Especially when cockroach-y like myself. I’m sort of unable to move on my own, which sucks, because I AM alone today.

That song “All By Myself” is going through my head. That song is bullshit.

Spell check doesn’t recognize bedrest as a word, which makes me feel invalidated and insecure especially since Spell Check doesn’t think “Rebecca” is a word either, which it SO CLEARLY IS.

I have no Vicodin-Chip cookies because I am too sore to make them.

I found a number of cookbooks in my house when I was purging it. Cookbooks in my house are bullshit because I don’t cook. Especially WILLIAM SONOMA Cookbooks. Who the fuck did I think I was when I bought those? Martha Fucking Stewart?

Silent letters. What. The Fuck?

Things That Are NOT Bullshit:

Adding a silent “balls” to things when they’re awesome. Like silent letters, but better.

MY NEW SHIRTS ARE IN.

VEGAS, baby. December 10-12. I (still) Do is going on at the same time, so I’m joining forces with them so we can properly paint the town many shades of glitter. They’ve secured a block of hotel rooms at the MGM Grand and are having parties. I was just going to try and reenact Fear and Loathing and Las Vegas.

More bloggers means they can bail us out of jail we’re all, THIS HERE IS BAT COUNTRY, Pranksters.

Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups. They’re SO not bullshit.

54 Comments to

“Glitter, Gold and I’m Not Your Bitch”

  1. On November 10th, 2010 at 11:21 am Lindsay Dianne Says:

    HEAR HEAR!

    you can send those cookbooks to me, lady. william Sonoma shit is expensive.

  2. On November 10th, 2010 at 11:23 am Chanel Says:

    You are so right Reese’s are SO not bullshit. They are my favorite. I also like the Cancer is Bullshit shirt.

  3. On November 10th, 2010 at 11:27 am Erin Says:

    Wanna knock the song “All By Myself” out of your head? Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0f47gr60Kc&has_verified=1

    It will be perma-implanted in your brain. (Please don’t hate me if you are seeing it for the first time.)

  4. On November 10th, 2010 at 11:28 am Linz Says:

    Well if you can sit at your computer, sidereel.com is FULL of not bullshit. It’s amazing.

    Also, this is not bullshit- http://www.thinkgeek.com/caffeine/candy/d85e/

    What is bullshit is that I can’t afford to go to Vegas. Like can’t even put it on my credit card. And that makes me want to kick a puppy šŸ™

  5. On November 10th, 2010 at 11:40 am Becky Mochaface Says:

    What is total bullshit:
    Freezing cold offices.
    Self-important people with egos the size of Conan’s blimp

    What is not bullshit:
    Home improvements that make my kitchen pretty even though they take forever to complete
    Aunt Becky

  6. On November 10th, 2010 at 11:42 am Raquel Says:

    Please forward me the recipe for those vicodin chip cookies and while you’re at it can I borrow a quarter cup of vicodin? I’m fresh out.

  7. On November 10th, 2010 at 11:44 am Megan (Best of Fates) Says:

    I am so sorry for your pain. Really, I am.

    But I feel I would be negligent in my comment leaving duties if I didn’t point out that popping a stitch is clearly the next big thing, in terms of dance crazes.

    And you should get in the ground floor of that.

  8. On November 10th, 2010 at 11:44 am Tweets that mention Glitter, Gold and Iā€™m Not Your Bitch | Mommy Wants Vodka -- Topsy.com Says:

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aunt Becky and The Real Anna Nicole, JR Reed. JR Reed said: RT @mommywantsvodka: Things that are kind of bullshit: http://www.mommywantsvodka.com/glitter-gold-and-im-not-your-bitch […]

  9. On November 10th, 2010 at 11:48 am Rox Says:

    You are popping it like its hot.
    Gross: popping Internal stitches.

  10. On November 10th, 2010 at 11:51 am Roccie Says:

    This warm weather is verging on bullshit because if those mosquitoes come back I will lose my ever loving mind.

  11. On November 10th, 2010 at 11:53 am stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    Reeses are freaking awesome & deserve their own shirt.

    Not so much popping internal stitches.

  12. On November 10th, 2010 at 11:55 am Dr. Cynicism Says:

    Things that are NOT bullshit: Rants about things that ARE bullshit from our wonderful Aunt Becky! Awesome!

  13. On November 10th, 2010 at 12:01 pm steph gas Says:

    popping stitches sounds horrifying. you should probs call your doc though. because in addition to ‘horrifying’ it sounds ‘not good for your healing’.

    stay strong, aunt motherfucking becky. ALSO. can’t the daver bake a batch of vicodin chip cookies for you? baking cookies isn’t that hard. and it’s super manly, it’s all about science and shit.

  14. On November 10th, 2010 at 12:04 pm Jana A Says:

    How about a “Popping Internal Stitches is Bullshit” shirt. I’d totally buy one of those bad boys.

  15. On November 10th, 2010 at 12:07 pm Gunfighter Says:

    You KNOW that the Wreck of THe Edmund FitzGerald” ain’t bullshit Becky.

    That song remains the shizzle, if only because it’s a true story (except for the parts that were just included to make the song work).

    Bigh hugs!

    Your real/fake boyfriend,

    GF

  16. On November 10th, 2010 at 12:09 pm Gen Says:

    Silent letters ARE bullshit. You’re so right. I’d also like to add misspelling words like so Kandy Korner. That’s bullshit too.

  17. On November 10th, 2010 at 12:23 pm Tershbango Says:

    I prefer Valium-chip cookies, myself. Or Xanax-frosted brownies. But Vicodin-chip cookies will do in a pinch.

    Not having ANY of these treats on hand?

    Now, THAT is bullshit.

  18. On November 10th, 2010 at 12:24 pm lori Says:

    Fitted shirts are bullshit but ill still get one cuz they help me make friends.

  19. On November 10th, 2010 at 12:24 pm lori Says:

    Fitted shirts are bullshit but ill still get one cuz they help me make friends.

  20. On November 10th, 2010 at 12:33 pm magpie Says:

    Those shirts are the bomb.

  21. On November 10th, 2010 at 12:36 pm Erin@ Mommy on the Spot Says:

    Reece’s peanut butter cups are THE BEST!

    Your t-shirts ROCK!

    Vegas, huh? My husband is there now. Maybe this would be the perfect opportunity for him to do some bonding with his children without me around . . .

  22. On November 10th, 2010 at 12:42 pm Kristin Says:

    Major plumbing failure is BULLSHIT too!

  23. On November 10th, 2010 at 12:43 pm Heather Says:

    OK-as the mother of two kids with silent lettered names, I don’t think they are Bullshit(Paedric-pronounced PAD-RIC, and Angharad-pronounced ANN-HARA).
    LOVE the shirts but living in the Bible-belt, don’t think I would be able to wear them without offending the world! šŸ˜‰

  24. On November 10th, 2010 at 12:47 pm Heather Says:

    OH and if you want to get the All By Myself out of your head go to http://www.elvis.com and view the new version of Suspicious Minds-ITS ALL KINDS OF AWESOME and fits in with your Vegas theme!!!
    If I had any access to Vicodin I would certainly bake you some cookies, however here in the Children’s hospital(day 10 and counting) they keep that shiz under lock and key, lest any little kiddies get in to them. When I figure out how to pick the lock, I’ll let you know. šŸ˜‰

  25. On November 10th, 2010 at 1:12 pm MstoMrs Says:

    I feel your pain at staring at the walls for an extended period of time. Hang in there. I love the new T-shirts!

  26. On November 10th, 2010 at 1:12 pm KCgirl Says:

    DUDE the new shirts are full of the awesome. I love it. I would buy ever single one of them … and the chances of this happening are starting to become more and more likely.

    Anyway, you know you are amazing. I am glad to see you are feeling better. Vegas is THE BEST. I wish I could go but I have to work, booooo.

  27. On November 10th, 2010 at 1:38 pm ChopperPapa Says:

    Snickers aren’t bullshit, they’re milk chocolate, nugety, crack cocaine….of which I’m still main-lining thanks to my ever vigilant Halloween candy tweeker chitlins. Cause they know what their Papa likes.

  28. On November 10th, 2010 at 1:46 pm Andra Says:

    MMMM…..xanax frosted cookies… mmmm…. Can I have some? Pretty please?

    Im with the band in thinking you might want to call the Dr on the possibility of the popped stitches, We want you to get all healed and crap, and I am thinking that might not be the best thing for that.

    Also, things that are bullshit;
    Fucking insomnia is bullshit!
    fake people are bullshit

    things that are NOT bullshit;
    Reeses PB cups
    the first snow of the season…..
    Aunt Becky`s t-shirts

  29. On November 10th, 2010 at 2:14 pm Rebecca Says:

    My husband ate the last of the Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups…which is BS because he doesn’t even like peanut butter!!

  30. On November 10th, 2010 at 2:27 pm Chocolate Diapers Says:

    Ball pain is bullshit

    mommwantsvodka is not bullshit.

  31. On November 10th, 2010 at 2:29 pm Virginia Says:

    The walls in my house are butt ugly too. So I took a hammer to them yesterday…hubby was surprised to say the least. Now they’re less one ridiculous chair rail and getting attacked by sandpaper tonight. bwahahaha.

    Bedrest is bullshit (as is spell check for not thinking it’s a word). Feel better. šŸ™‚

  32. On November 10th, 2010 at 3:28 pm FallDown Girl Says:

    I think I need the recipe for these Vicodin Chip Cookies. Hope you feel better and stop being all cockroachy soon!

  33. On November 10th, 2010 at 3:45 pm a Says:

    Flies buzzing around inside the light fixture above my head are bullshit. If only I had some actual bullshit to tempt them away from my desk…

    Hope you didn’t pop anything important!

  34. On November 10th, 2010 at 3:54 pm SaucyB Says:

    Girl, you’re my kind of crazy. Whatever your ills, feel better. Oh and the frequency with which my kid’s school closed for some kind of break or holiday is bullshit.

  35. On November 10th, 2010 at 5:35 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Dude. They’re ALWAYS freaking closed these days. It’s INSANE.

  36. On November 10th, 2010 at 4:26 pm Phil_E_Girl Says:

    LOVE LOVE LOVE the T-shirts B. I so wish I could Rock the “I’m not your Bitch” Tee but due to the economy and being broke as a joke I just can’t afford it. I know right, that sounds ridiculous! Unfortunately since my kids are still sleeping on the floor (we moved here 3 months ago) I think they would beat me with socks full of bar soap if I bought one.
    I have come to the realization that LIFE itself is a big steaming pile of bullshit or maybe just MY life…. What-eves, I am still breathing right? Well I guess what I am trying to say is, Thank you B. Thank you for making my huge shit pile of a life not stink for even the smallest amount of time. You are like a cool clean sweet smelling breeze that blows across the dung pile I am drowning in. So again B. Thank you <3

  37. On November 10th, 2010 at 5:35 pm Your Aunt Becky Says:

    Aw, you bitch! You made me cry. I’m sorry shit sucks right now and I love you and YOU DON’T GET TO MAKE ME CRY LIKE THAT. Even though I love you.

  38. On November 11th, 2010 at 7:12 am Phil_E_Girl Says:

    Thanks for the love B. and I am honored to be one of your bitches! We will get through this, it is only money and other material things… No Big! I am looking in to making some money at home (because I still take care of my 4 y/o daughter) writing online. I hope I can count on everyone’s support if I get the job. Just keep swimming….Just keep swimming….Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!

  39. On November 10th, 2010 at 5:59 pm Bell Says:

    You do not make deciding between “I kicked cancer’s ass” and “cancer is bullshit” for my mom any easier…

  40. On November 10th, 2010 at 6:06 pm Sarah Says:

    I would MOST DEFINITELY take cookbooks off your hands. Not only would I do that, but I would BAKE things from them (assuming they had baking-type things in them) and send them to you.

    Sadly, though, I have no access to Vicodin.

    Also, I’m still awaiting the day I have any amount of money in the bank. On that day, I will be ALL ABOUT some “Shut Your Whore Mouth” T-shirts.

  41. On November 10th, 2010 at 7:40 pm seekingelevation Says:

    There is so much bullshit in the world, it is impossible to catalogue. Which is another thing that is bullshit.

    I heart your cancer is bullshit T. Because it so is.

  42. On November 10th, 2010 at 8:03 pm Jersey Girl Gets Real Says:

    I heard “Martha Fucking Stewart” doesn’t wear pants on Thanksgiving šŸ˜‰

  43. On November 11th, 2010 at 8:05 am Becky Says:

    Now that’s bullshit! Although I think just about everything to do with Martha Fucking Stewart is Bullshit so the no pants wearing on Thanksgiving is just xanax icing on the cookies.

  44. On November 10th, 2010 at 8:26 pm BobaTheFett Says:

    I really do need to see a “there’s a silent balls in that” t-shirt or something similar.
    “Silent balls, holy balls.”
    “Holy balls, Batman!”
    “These aren’t the balls you’re looking for.”

  45. On November 10th, 2010 at 8:37 pm Nic Says:

    Just got me a Not your bitch shirt to go with my Shut your whore mouth shirt. Did you see my blog about the adventure of the whore mouth shirt? http://thedisenchanteduterus.blogspot.com/2010/10/shut-your-whore-mouth.html
    Hopefully this shirt will have just a fun of an adventure. šŸ™‚ Hope your feeling better. Watching the walls sucks ass so I feel your pain!

  46. On November 10th, 2010 at 8:45 pm Cindy Says:

    I AM PISSED! Why is it that you come to MY house (Vegas) when I am not going to be home? You SUCK! I demand that you reschedule for the following weekend so I can be there to drink copious amounts of alcohol and heckle bachelor parties at Cheetah’s with you. Cuz we will be totally going to Cheetah’s! But no, you have to come over while I’m in freakin’ RENO! Who goes to Reno? Ugh.
    You’re awesome and I know you’ll be back. They ALWAYS come back!

  47. On November 10th, 2010 at 11:09 pm flutter Says:

    ALLLLLLLL BY MYYYYYSEEEEeeeEEElll llll lllllF don’t wanna be all by myyyyyyself anymooOOooOOoOOOOoOOOOOOrrrrrreeee!!!!! *pounds chest*

  48. On November 11th, 2010 at 12:40 am GingerB Says:

    I actually think Xanax bars might exist, I read about someone committing a crime after eating some. Maybe that is bullshit. Haagen-Dazs Mango Sorbet is not bullshit.

    Going to the motherfucking implant/cut open your gums and put in someone else’s motherfucking bone in my jaw dentist at 8:00 tomorrow morning is FUCKING BULLSHIT but going on vacation with all four of my husbands’s crotch parasites (two mine, two not) next week with a fucked up bridge is even shittier, so off I go to bed that I might bathe before I go to dental hell. And I will come out of there with pain pills, yey verily.

  49. On November 11th, 2010 at 1:17 am Lauren Says:

    BEDREST. It is SO a word. When I was on bedrest and blogging about it I would make it two words just to avoid seeing that fucking red squiggle.

    You seem like you’re doing better so yay for that.

    I need to get a new SYWM shirt. The one you gave me at BlogHer is too small for my giant stupid tits. And that? Is bullshit. (my tits, not your generosity.)

  50. On November 11th, 2010 at 8:11 am Becky Says:

    Vicodin chip cookies not bullshit, if you want to send me the Vics I’ll bake you up a big ol batch, But I may have to taste test a couple just to make sure ya know.

  51. On November 11th, 2010 at 12:00 pm SharleneT Says:

    Poor baby… You can just keep buzzing them folks ’til they bring you whatever it takes… Or, mail me a length of hair for my cauldron and I’ll take care of it, for you… Come visit when you can…

  52. On November 11th, 2010 at 8:51 pm GlamorousArmy Says:

    AB:

    Whatever you do, DON’T LAUGH HARD! Or you will bust a stitch!
    (I think that’s why they give us so much of the pain meds.)
    On the plus side, this is a completely appropriate excuse to get a bell for your family to wait on you, hand and foot.

  53. On November 12th, 2010 at 12:55 am Sandra Says:

    I think I’m in love with you…oh, and Rebecca so is a word, and so is bedrest.
    It sounds like you’re having a rough time right now (just read the comment above this one where you’re about to cry, so I’m guessing that’s an indicator) but even when you’re about to cry, you had me laughing out loud. You are terrific and you have a great spirit.

  54. On November 12th, 2010 at 7:48 am Jenn Says:

    My spell checker recognizes “spellchecker” as a word, but not “bedrest.” Interesting.

    I don’t know if I can ever read a blog post by you again without picturing you as a metamorphosing creature with antennae. We’ll see.

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