From Russia, With, Um, Love
Today’s guest post comes from a Russian blogger named Marinka who is freakishly hilarious (notice the word “freak” in there). You’ve PROBABLY seen her skulking around such blogs as Motherhood in NYC and The Mouthy Housewives. I’m also speaking with her on a panel at BlogHer so I figured I should play nice in the sandbox with her for awhile before I throw sand in her eyes and pee on her dress.
Plus we’re friends, although I’m guessing that I probably won’t be inviting her to any dinner parties any time soon. She might have rabies or try and use one of my crotch parasites as a coaster. If she offends you, blame it on being lost somewhere in translation. I always do, although she probably doesn’t ACTUALLY speak a single word of Russian and is actually just insulting me every time we talk.
Ass.
Remember, any insults should be directed AT Marinka, not Your Aunt Becky, who loves you and thinks you look fantastic in those pants. Wait, are those MY MISSING PANTS? Because 7 days later, the pants are still gone.
———————-
I’m so happy that Aunt Becky asked me to guest post because I have something to get off my Marilyn Monroe-like chest and I sure as hell don’t want to do it on my own blog.
Let’s say that you’re invited to a dinner party. Would you appreciate being told in advance if one of the guests were a dwarf? Because I’m firmly in the HELL YES! camp whereas my friend who hosted the party was all “what? Oh, yeah, I guess he’s a dwarf” about it. Which is fucked up.
So I walk into this dinner party and see the people and THEN there’s this short person and of course I immediately think “OMG” because I am very socially awkward and am only allowed to mingle with people occasionally, (ed note: GEE, I WONDER WHY) so I’m worried about how I’m going to mess this up.
Of course I don’t want to appear like I’m ignoring Peter the Dwarf because I’m uncomfortable, so I rush to him and engage him in some kind of conversational torture that he would like to end as soon as possible, without actually going through the exertion of having me killed.
During the whole conversation, which I totally dominate, because I don’t want him to think that I only came over there because he’s small, I am hyper-aware not to use words that imply shortness at all, even a little bit. Therefore, I am choosing my words carefully, but also speaking really fast, for a complete psychotic freak touch.
“You could have warned me,” I seethed to my friend later.
“What? Peter’s great,” she said.
“He is great, but he’s SO SHORT! And I was completely unprepared. I made a fool out of myself.”
“How do you prepare for HEIGHT?” she asked.
“Fuck do I know. I wouldn’t have rushed over to him like a moron and started talking nonstop. I would have been nonchalant. Like oh, hi!”
“Yes, the oh, hi would have been a nice touch. You were fine.”
And then I married a man whose secret pet peeve, unbeknownt to me (because apparently that’s how secrets work if you’re not a blabbermouth) is how badly dwarves are portrayed in movies. “I don’t understand,” he told me. “Why does Hollywood think that dwarves are funny and that it’s ok to laugh at people because of their height?”
“Why are you talking about dwarves?” I asked.
“It bothers me,” he said.
“Well, since we’re sharing,” I decided to strike, “if you were going to a social event, would you want to know if there was a dwarf in attendance?”
“What social event?”
“Like a dinner or a party.”
“A fundraiser?”
“No, just with friends. For fun.”
“Why would I need to know who was attending?”
“You know, to prepare yourself.”
“Prepare myself for what?”
“For…for the dwarfhood.”
“Why do you need to prepare for meeting a dwarf?”
“So that I’m not unprepared, obviously.”
“…”
“I wouldn’t want to look surprised.”
“…”
“I’m not the weird one here.”
He sighed the sigh of the ages. “Maybe people should warn their guests that you will be attending.
“Also a good idea,” I conceded.
Are you sure this is a guest post?
Ha! I wouldn’t have the balls to post about dwarves, so yes.
Bwahahaha…funny post but I think Marinka is really just an alter-ego of Aunt Becky.
Marinka is full of hilarious. Often…wrong, but oh, so right.
Ahhh Marinka and Aunt Becky all in one place…. happiness …. like swirled ice cream.
Ice cream sprinkled with VICODIN chips, right?
oh you know i would slip up all over the place and every word out of my mouth would have something to do with smallness, cuz i would be trying too hard to avoid it. and i’m a rube like that.
GAH – have had my awkward dwarf moment too. I was walking down a hallway when I encountered a woman who is a dwarf, and I was all like “oooh, hi sweetie, are you lost?”. Then I saw her face full on, AND irritated. She works for my Company apparently (but not in my building) and was attending a conference. I was lost for words then, and couldnt even think to what to say next, so I walked away. She was no taller than my hip to be fair to me (or is it?) and growing up around Italians I am USED to short, but not dwarf short. I feel your pain.
I want an aunt becky marinka sammich please
I’ll be the meat in that there sammich…
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aunt Becky, MarinkaNYC. MarinkaNYC said: RT @mommywantsvodka: My homie @MarinkaNYC guest posted, yo. http://mommywantsvodka.com/from-russia-with-um-love […]
bwahahahaha! I think you should be forewarned if there will be a republican in attendance!! I loved….”he sighed the sigh of the ages…”
Becky i saw your pants hitchin down the interstate heading towards california.
Those pants are a FILTHY WHORE.
#1 Aunt Becky, why do you have crotch parasites #2 could anyone mistake a crotch parasite for a coaster?
Marinka you are 2 funny, really, it bothered you, or made you uncomfy? I can’t imagine that. I don’t side with your hubby on the being offended at the way hollywood portrays little people, since I happen to be close friends since I was a child with 2 and yeah uhm they are freaking hilarious, I don’t think it has to do with their height they are just funny. However I probably do agree with your husband that any hosts should warn the other guests when your coming to a party. LOL
I think I find this response possibly more funny than the post. 😛
ditto.
Becky, the pants will be in the last place you look. Because once you find the pants, that’ll be the last place you’ll need to look, unless you want to look some more, just for fun.
Marinka, nicely done. A worthy blog post for a Prankster.
I would want to know. I’m an overthinker & analizer. Before any meeting or conversation (and even during it) I think about 5 sentences ahead… to prepare my answers/responses to anything that might come up so I don’t look/sound like a jackass. This is a problem in itsself. Sometimes I’ll start nodding or making funny faces to what I think people are going to say before they say it. I look like a person with multiple personalities, one of which has tourretts and speaks only to me.
So yes, I would want to know.
Dude, I totally agree. I would want to be warned that you’ll be attending any party I get invited to. If only so I can prep my I <3 Marinka signs and wear extra panties so I'm not going commando when I throw them at you. Ditto for Aunt Becky.
i have no problem with littl people and im 6’2 so next to them i must be a giant. great post by the way. Maybe beck your pants just ran away
I think it went something like this. The Daver borrowed the pants, then AB was all, “The Daver, did you borrow my pants again?” and The Daver, embarrassed, was all “NO, DUH!”, so he hid the pants, and is waiting to put them back where he found them at an opportune time so that AB will think she is crazy.
I am new to this Marinka….LOVE HER!!!
I’m with the party host. I don’t think a warning about height would really be necessary. It’s a party, would you also want to be warned if someone 6’10” was coming.
As a side note… I work with a guy who is 6’10” and it’s a trip to go out with him in public. Everyone is always asking about his height. Why is it ok to ask a really tall person about their height but not a really short person?
I am ever so slightly less than 5 feet tall so yes, I would want to be warned that someone almost 7 feet tall was coming. I would need to either bring a stool, or do some neck stretches to prepare for an evening of looking up.
Yea that’s funny….I’d want to be warned too!
Should we also get a heads up on people with deformities – missing limbs and such? So as to prepare.
I understand. I feel you.
I TOTALLY hate how dwarves are portrayed in the media as well!!!
YES, little people can have families and careers and rescue pit bulls and make chocolate, because they are PEOPLE. They are not a freak show.
(This might have something to do with the fact that although I do not have dwarfism, I am abnormally short, and am often treated like a freak. So I feel a sort of kinship? Protectiveness? Something.)
HAHAHA! You are a stitch! But I have to admit that I WOULD, in fact, like to be warned, er, alerted, to the fact that YOU would be attending a dinner party I was invited to. I mean, just so I could be sure and bring the perfect persona for you to meet… Yeah! That’s it! That’s my story! 😉
Aunt Becky, how long has this United States of Tara thing been going on with you, and when were you going to tell us PRANKSTERS?
Or were you just separated at birth?
How many dwarves could fit in those missing pants?
I always feel the need to be forewarned about the potential for midget/dwarf presence as well. For instance, one of the rural/volunteer EMT squads that comes into the ER where I work has a midget EMT who is ALWAYS with them…and ALWAYS comes in walking at the front of the gurney, UNDERNEATH the foot of the bed, “guiding” it and what not. It is, truely, one of the most “stare worthy” moments of my day when they come in. Totally, totally awesome…
true story…a friend of mine was at a party talking to a chick on crutches. She finally gets around to noticin’ the crutches and says “what happend to your …..” looked down and realized that the chick only had ONE LEG!!! i’m thinkin’ bein warned is a necessity when you (by you i mean me) have no fuckin’ filter!!! great story!
AB, i think i saw your pants on a ship headed for nassau!
I loved your husband’s response. I think that he and my husband would have too much common. Oh and I HATE when I have to proclaim: I’M NOT THE WEIRD ONE HERE.
There are certain things that hosts should warn you about when attending a party. Especially people like me that don’t have any tact at all. There probably should be warnings about me too. Aunt Becky I think I saw your pants on the E True Hollywood Story: Aunt Becky’s Whore Pants
I have to agree, sounds like Aunt Bee part deux. Dooesn’t the Daver already call to warn people she’s on her way? Hee hee.
How come I’ve never heard of Marinka? She is hilarious! Adding her to my reader right now. Thanks for the heads up.
See, now, if it were me, I wouldn’t care. But I think in the interest of covering your bases, since you never know how people are about the LP’s (that’s slang for Little People, yo. See what I did there? *groan*). I have one friend who’s very freaked out by them, so if I were to say, invite the town dwarf (and yes, our town does have one, more on that later) and not tell him, he might show up and scream like Nathan Lane. And while I love social awkwardness, I don’t really want to do that to others.
Like I said, we have this dwarf in our town. I see him every fucking where, and if you’ve lived here long enough, you know of him. Anyway, he’s always walking, especially in the summer, and he always looks angry, and you’re always afraid to make eye contact with him, lest he try to kick your ass or something. But, I kind of want to befriend him, because I bet he’s probably really nice, and is just pissed off at people staring all the time.
I’m with Marinka–not only in feeling that I’d like to be warned if someone of unusual height was going to be there, but also believing that people might want to be warned that I’m there. I’m not of unusual height, just embarrassingly awkward.
So, I’m delurking to give this totally opposite perspective here. I have an uncle and a cousin who are dwarves. I grew up with an uncle who you surpassed in height somewhere between ages 8 and 10. We measured to see when we beat him. (What? That’s not weird. Probably.) I forget. It’s just my uncle and his kid. So, I normally wouldn’t think to mention it. Took a guy I was dating to a family thing and, in addition to the shell shock from the sheer number of people there (Mom has 12 sibs, so yeah, you add their kids and we’re a bit of a crowd), he was a little pissed that I didn’t warn him about Uncle and Cousin. My response? “Huh? Oh yeah. That’s Uncle and Cousin.” He didn’t get my nonchalance and I didn’t get the big deal. So maybe the faliure to warn is just a failure to recognize the “different-ness.” It’s not like I’m unaware my uncle is half my height, it’s just never been a remarkable thing for me or my family, so we don’t always see ahead of time that there would be reactions. Mostly because we’re all busy being weird in far more obnoxious ways than shortness, but that’s a whole OTHER issue.
Yeah, see, I’m with you. I barely notice physical ANYTHING with other people. I can’t remember hair color, eye color, skin color, height…anything. I’d have been flummoxed if someone later pointed it out.
“LIKE, O.M.G. THERE WAS A DWARF? I WAS TOO BUSY LOOKING AT THE CUTE FLUFFY CAT!!!!”
A little late in replying to this post, but better late than never, right? As far as the dwarf thing..I am a dwarf..(I’m little and I’m loud..I’m short and I’m proud!) But sometimes it does make a little sense to, maybe not warn them but to prepare them for it. The reason why I say this is on two occasions, a party I held for my BFF…no one told any her other friends that I was so dang short (3’6″)talk about AWK-WARD! not just for them, but for me. We are basically the same as everyone else, but we just *seem* like we are butt sniffing other people, like dogs, if we get too close to you..which by the way, we’re not. God just made us in such a way that when tall people fart, we smell it first.
As far as Hollywood goes, it gets a little old that it seems like every friggen little person is evil and I just want to kick them in the shins..oh crap…that’s a stereo type too I guess? oh well..screw it. I would kick Hollywood in the balls, but I would have to stand on my head. But the LP’s that get those gigs in Hollywood, are the ones that I hold accountable.
btw..love your blog..you are wickedly funny!
See, I think I want to marry you. You’re freaking hilarious.
And I’m tired of brunettes always having to be SMART in the movies. Dude, I’m STUPID. If you read my blog, you know I’m dumb. I drank SPOILED MILK for a whole DAY without realizing it. So, Hollywood, you’re DUMB.