Alex turns one this Sunday, and I’ve spent the better part of the month of March feeling bittersweet about it. Sure, I’m sad that he’s grown so quickly, and I wish like hell I’d savored some of those infant days that I’ll never get back, but there’s something deeper than this afoot. It’s one of those things that I don’t often admit to myself or allow myself to talk about.

You see, I spent probably 98% of my pregnancy worrying that Alex would die. I worried when I had a Subchorionic Haematoma at 8 weeks, I worried myself to the point of sickness the day and night before the anatomy ultrasound, I worried using magical thinking. I felt that if I stopped willing him to live even for a moment, that he would slip away and I would never recover. I’m not pretending that what I felt was remotely in the realm of rational, it wasn’t and I knew it then and I know it now, but I swear that I was suffering from PTSD from my days (and nights) as a floor nurse.

Too much knowledge isn’t always a good thing.

As anyone who has read my blog knows, I was fortunate and had a happy ending to my pregnancy.

It isn’t often discussed, but other pregnancies don’t have quite the happy ending that I (fortunately) did. I have a number of dear friends that read my blog who have suffered the devastating loss of a child born still, and each and every one of their stories breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces. I cry with them, I cry for them, I get angry at the Universe just like they do. They are my friends (whether we’d know each other on the street or not) and I want to make it all better for them.

But I’ve always wanted to DO something for these wonderful women and their children, aside from offer them my condolences (and the occasional ass-kicking for those clueless fucks that mess with my people), which just doesn’t seem like enough to me. Not by a long shot.

So instead of buying Alex more toys and stuff that he doesn’t really NEED, I am making a donation in memory of all of the little girls and boys that can’t come to Alex’s party like I wish that they could. Well, actually, I’m making 2 donations:

One will be to Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep which is a not-for-profit agency that does wonderful work with taking gorgeous keepsake pictures of children. They rely on donations and charge no fees for this service, and I think they’re just wonderful.

Caleb is my sweet friend k@lakly’s son, who will always be remembered by his Aunt Becky and all of her wonderous blog readers. He will live on through all of us. We love and miss you so very much, Caleb, you brave boy.

Baby Jaguar Paw is my new friend a’s son, and even though I am new to learning about his life, I am full of love for him. He, too, will be forever in my memory, and all of ours. I speak for ALL of my readers when I say that we love him and wish he were here with us. Alex and I are sending a piece of cake to Heaven for him to enjoy.

Kalila is my friend Kristen’s daughter, who, like all of my angel babies, was taken far too soon. Today, and always we will each remember her and the joy that she brought to her Mommy and Daddy (and even her Auntie Becky). We love you Kalila and we miss you.

William is my friend G’s sweet son, who was with us for too short a time. Your Aunt Becky is sending you light and love to Heaven, today and every day. I look forward to the day when I am finally able to meet him and spoil him rotten.

Isabel Grace is my friend Sarah’s lovely daughter, and another that I have the pleasure of honoring with my donation. She is now and will always be missed from the world that we live in. Like all of my other angel nieces and nephews (Aunt Becky has no biological nieces and nephews and probably never will, so she is informally adopting all of you as her own), we pay tribute to her and her life through our kind and good actions. Hugs to you, Isabel, and your brave Mommy and Daddy.

Maddy is my friend Tash’s daughter, who is yet another young soul taken from her Mommy and Daddy too soon. She is now, and will be forever etched upon not only my heart, but of the hearts of everyone who has read about her. We will ALL do our best to honor her memory through this dedication and let her live on through us all, her Mommy, her Daddy, and her Big Sister Bella and each and every one of us. Alex hopes you like yellow cake, Miss Maddy, because he’s sending you a big, fat piece on Sunday.

William Henry is my friend Amy’s son, a gorgeous little man whom I think about quite often. I have a feeling that he and my Alex would have been great friends, and I am thinking about him today and everyday, and the gaping hole he has left in all of our hearts. We love you, little man. We love you a lot.

Aodin is Heather’s son, whose blog I have lurked around for ages thinking about her and her lovely son. Aodin is smiling down upon his brave, strong Momma today as she joins me in urging all of her blog readers to do something good and kind for someone else in honor of her Aodin. We all love you, sweet Aodin, and we all miss you.

Callum is my friend c’s son, a gorgeous little man who is missed. We will honor his life just as we have honored all of the little lives lost too soon. I speak for each and every one of us when I say that we wish you were here with us and your brave Mommy and Daddy. Hugs and smootches, Mr. Callum today and each and every single day. I’m sending them to Heaven.

Sarah is my friend Jenn’s daughter, taken from the world before she got to know how amazing her Mommy and Daddy truly are. She lives on in our memory and through her brothers and sisters, although, just like each and every one of my angels, we wish that she were here among us. Ice Cream and cake are being sent to you, Baby Sarah, tomorrow, and love and kindness every single day that we live.

Connor is my friend Tricia’s son, who will be remembered and honored by each and every person who reads this blog. We pay tribute to his life today and every day, and we will think of him with love often. We love you, Connor, and we wish that you were here with us.

Caden is my new friend Brooke’s son, and she has posted the most beautiful and heart-wrenching post about his memorial service. He is one of the most amazing babies I have ever seen in my life (honestly, I’ve seen many) and I, like the rest of us, including is strong parents, wish that he had not left us so soon. We love you Caden, and we’re thinking of you and keeping that thought in our hearts today and always.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO POST YOUR CHILD’S NAME HERE, LEAVE HIS OR HER NAME IN THE COMMENTS.

If not, just know that if I comment on your blog, and your blog is on my sidebar over there, I read you, and want nothing more than to have your children live on in my memory. So it was you, yes YOU, that I was thinking about when I did this.

Want to see some ripples and restore your faith in humanity? See what has been started (told you I had awesome blog friends):

Go see Ames (also Gracie’s Mom)

Visit Aodin’s Mom, Heather

Stop by Amy’s blog (William Henry’s beautiful and strong Mom) and see what she’s done.

Don’t forget to stop by Jen’s blog (and Sarah’s mother) and see how she’s making a difference.

My friend K is also passing on the love. Go see it.

The Rambling Housewife is also on board.

My favorite cake lady, Melissa is also taking part.

Don’t forget Mighty Morphin Momma, either (she’s unforgettable).

Heather is on board, too.

Kyddryn also is following the Love Train.

(Post something about doing good and kind and I will Pimp Your Blog Heavily.)

I made a donation to March of Dimes last week for my friend Amy’s daughter Gracie, but stupidly didn’t donate directly towards her goal for fund-raising. So if you’re interested, Ames is a cool chick and a good friend of mine, and anything you could do to help her reach her goal would be appreciated. Oh, and I WILL be donating again to you, Ames, just hang tight. Donations for MOD can be made UP UNTIL April 19th.

Either of these institutions would benefit from even the smallest donation (Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep specifically asks that visitors merely leave $5.00), so you don’t have to be all “I don’t have $100, Aunt Becky!” It’s cool, if you want, give what you can (I’m not a salesperson, obviously) and if this isn’t something that you care to give to, DO SOMETHING NICE FOR SOMEONE ELSE THIS WEEK (see, Aunt Becky gives you a decent amount time) in honor of Alex’s first birthday, and all of his little buddies who won’t be eating cake with him.

And shit, if you leave a comment telling me what you did that was nice and good and kind, I will randomly select one of you to send something to. I’ll BUY you something, because that is the kind of person Aunt Becky is: the kind that buys people stuff.

And the kind that believes in her heart of hearts that the world would be a better place if everyone was good to each other.

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Your Aunt Becky loves you, my little angel buddies, and she wishes that you were here on Earth with your Mommy and Daddy and Auntie Becky (who has been known to spoil children). Maybe she’ll see you in Heaven (if she’s good, like you are) where she can spoil you all senseless. Smootches to Heaven, my sweet babies, smootches to Heaven.