Of the past 48 hours, I’ve spent nearly 36 of them laying supine while the room spun around alarmingly. As I slurred to The Daver, it’s like being wasted while totally sober and if I felt any better, I’d be enjoying myself mightily because a free high is a free high.

But I can’t think straight which is frustrating to me because I have THINGS to do, like organize my Serial Killer of the Month Cards and rearrange my Garbage Pail Kids and I simply can’t. I can barely type this post, to be honest, because the room is tilting out of control and all I can think is that line from that awful song, “it’s hard to leave when you can’t find the door.” Because really, it’s TRUE even if that song sucks.

Considering I had the Swine Flu already, you’d think that I’d get a break and not get The (ever-loving) Flu again but apparently, the Swine Flu ruins your immune system for awhile afterward. Ain’t THAT a bitch?

So I’m going to shuffle back to bed, leaving my house in shambles and my children to run amok (which, hi, that word looks HILARIOUS to me. Is that even a real word? Because it doesn’t look like it. HOORAY FOR FAKE WORDS.) so I can go sweat and dream about hot dogs and zombies munching on what is left of my grey matter.

Good night and good luck, Pranksters.

63 thoughts on “Flu Made Who

  1. Clearly your body is letting you know you need another cruise (before 2011). If you weren’t so delusional you would know that. Obviously. You were fine on the cruise, it was only when you got home that the sickness sucked the life right out of you. Cruise = Healthy, Home = Sick. So get your sweet ass back on a Motherfucking Boat!! It will cure what ails you.

  2. oh no, the swine flu knocked me for a loop, never been so sick…that bitch had better not come back here!

  3. I dearly hope you get better Aunt Becks; and ps – earlier this month I wrote about the time I got The Plague and my doctor lied to me and told me it was a “respiratory infection” and “your asthma” – which is TOTALLY doctor code speak for Bubonic Plague – they just don’t want to alarm you. And the *relevant* part? They totally tested me for flu first! Just sayin’. You might want to be watching some Monty Python, or sniffing rose water, or whatever you do with Plague.

  4. Hey!! Dont knock the Eagles. Life’s been good to me so farrrrrr…

    Feel better, I know the feeling, I had the swine last fall, and it took MONTHS for me to go a week without getting sick.

      1. WhatEV! When I went to the Eagles reuniion concert they sang it 😛 WITH Joe Walsh, AS an Eagle.

  5. Hope you get to feeling better. Well, better enough to still feel high, but not feel like a bad song. No one should walk through life feeling like a bad song. Ick!

  6. The Eagles may have sung that, but the original singer/writer was Joe Walsh, who kicks ass. I can’t believe you think that song sucks. Maybe it is just the flu talking?

    1. I agree. Clearly the flu has addled her brain, or else she would recognize that that guitar riff is one of the best rock and roll licks EVAHH!

      Plus the song is ironic and funny.

      Seriously dude.

      1. Joe Walsh WAS an Eagle. And their reunion album AND concert featured that song. Technicality. 😛

        And I love that song too, but that is why I think she is addled.

  7. The pig virus is really a bitch. I was hopin to die when I went thru it….. So, good luck, lots of rest, a little alcohol and pass around the Purell!!

  8. I go to parties, sometimes until 4.
    It’s hard to leave when you can’t find the door.
    It’s tough to handle this fortune and fame.
    Everybody’s so different, I haven’t changed.

    They say I’m lazy but I have a good time
    (Everybody say oh, yeah…..OH,YEAH)
    I keep on going guess I’ll never know why.
    Life’s been good to me so far.

    Sorry, had to post the lyrics to help you get it out of your head. Feel better soon, Aunt Becky.

  9. One of my daughter’s friend’s Mom got the swine flu and has had horrible immune issues ever since. Last time I Saw her it looked like she’d lost about twenty pounds though, so maybe theres an upside 🙂

    I hope you are back to your Aunt Becky Self soon!

  10. Dude, I feel you. I started holidays last Friday; I got bronchitis on Saturday. STILL feeling like doo-doo warmed over, and I go back to work in three days. *cries real tears*

    Get better soon. *non-germy kisses*

  11. Everytime I read the word amok I remember Sarah Jessica Parker in Hocus Pocus….

    “amok amok amok….(she gets whacked in the tummy!) weeeewwww!!!”

    Feel better…or drug yourself to sleep until you do.

  12. You should have had more liquor on the plane. Kills germs (just my theory- good excuse, anyway). You can fight that shit. That’s why Amelia is so strong. She inherited it from you. Hope you sleep well.

  13. My only advice for you is to toss your cookies in the sink. Since I have a disposal and a sprayer faucet, it really just makes sense, and gets me off the hook of retching more becuase my face is in the fucking toliet. I learned this while pregnant and have been quite proud of myself. I had a 24 hour flu last week, had to pull over and nhurl out of the door of the minivan. I was not a happy prankster. Best to you.

  14. My family had swine flu last year. It really sucks (one daughter hospitalized) and I feel for you getting another flu now. Get well soon and back to your kick-ass writing!!!

  15. Love the title, made me laugh. (I’m easy.)
    Swine Flu does indeed ruin your immune system for quite awhile afterward. Kent had it almost 6 months ago and he is still suffering from leftover problems with his immune system. He was not truly sick (though he was often ‘whiny sick’) for the first 8½ years I knew him. He got the stupid fucking swine flu and he’s been sick pretty much ever since, with one thing or another. NOT FUN.
    Now that I’m done bitching I can tell you that I am sorry you’re sick and I hope you recover super quickly. xoxo

  16. The flu is your body’s way of saying it needs more alcohol. Usually vodka or tequila. It’s this whole physical cleansing thing. I read an article.

    What’s that saying:? Starve a cold, Inebriate a fever.

  17. Swine flu trashes your immune system for a while afterwards??? This would explain A LOT. Because I almost NEVER get sick and I managed to get the pig flu and now I’m sick AGAIN, also with some sort of flu type something. Over a year with out so much as a sinus infection or a cold and the last couple months have been the bisnitch.

    Thank you for sharing that random factoid and making my world make sense again.

  18. Hey, I am a total off the wall clean/germ freak. I can stop by and fix it so you never get the flu again. Of course with all the chemicals I use, you might not be alive afterwards either.

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