I was among the horrified masses when Kotex launched their “Have A Happy Period” campaign. It had clearly been thought up by dudes, because I don’t know a single chick who would be, “man, my period is SO MUCH HAPPIER.” Periods just ARE.

Anyway, over the one thing responsible for keeping my room at sub-arctic temperatures – the only way I can sleep – my window A/C unit – decided to start leaking. I, being the brilliant specimen of humanity that I am, didn’t realize it until I walked into my bedroom to put on a bra and was all, *sniff, sniff* “WHYZ IT SMELL MUSTY? IZ IT FUCKING GNOMES AGAIN?”

I turned on the overhead light and saw, much to my horror, that my brilliant, treasured and adored window A/C unit was leaking. It was motherfucking leaking onto my motherfucking carpet.

After I stopped wringing my hands and gnashing my teeth and throwing myself onto my bed dramatically saying, “WHY ME GOD, WHY ME?” I got up to assess the damage.

Okay. A couple of things got soaked, I could handle that. I threw them in the wash and lugged out my trusty steam cleaner. I’m going to insist they bury me with it because it is so full of the awesome.

Before I started steam-cleaning my way to heaven, I had to move a couple of things out of the way to allow proper access to the Wet Spot (very unlike the OTHER Wet Spot). Including half of my clothes from Type-A Parent. I’m an excellent bedroom-cleaner, OBVS.

Well, in that stash of crap were a couple of maxi-pads. I’d figured I’d just be shoving them into the BlogHer bag when I got around to packing this week, so I never bothered to put ’em away.

I grabbed ’em, snorting at the “Have a Happy Period” crap when I realized that the maxi pads had finally given me a reason to smile.

They’d absorbed a bunch of the water from my leaky *sobs* A/C unit.

Now THAT is a motherfucking happy period.

32 thoughts on “Finally. A Happy Period.

  1. Epicccc (=

    I have always said it was a man that came up with “Have a happy period.” And that he should be violently skewered by a thousand menstruating women.

  2. Kind of TMI but also quasi-related story: I was in a water fight once while wearing one of those dreadful things. All of sudden I felt as though I had grown a tumor. They ARE absorbent!!

  3. Even worse than the slogan are the feminine hygiene products that have pithy sayings on the wrappers. (Want to say the offending product are Tampax sport tampons I was forced to acquire while on vacation one summer, but cannot accurately recall as I’ve tried to block the memory out.) I was all “I do NOT need inspiring words of wisdom right now, dammit!” Sheesh.

    And if you truly want to check the absorbancy, try putting one in the washing machine. Inside a back pocket of your jeans because you didn’t have a purse and needed to have a “just in case” handy that you wound up not using.

  4. I always say stuff can’t fall off the floor and this just goes to show why crap on the floor can come in handy. Happy Period my ASS

  5. You know the football players/wrestlers at my high school shoved tampons in their noses to stop the blood during games and practice. I CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP!

  6. Steam cleaners = LOVE! …..Whenever someone else in the house wants to use it I smack their hands and say “BACK OFF BITCH!” ….you know you’re getting old when you have fun steam cleaning the carpets and marveling at how amazing it leaves things.

  7. Nice save Kotex!!! Ha ha ha. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I saved some of my daughter’s cloth diapers, you know the old school kind that people make silly burp cloths look like? I have them in a bag in my living room for any spills that happen on my brand new motherfucking beautiful laminate. If moisture gets in the cracks, it really messes it up… I know this from the motherfucking tragic AC leak we had in our last house. Ugh. So anyway, with 2 kids 5 and under, lots of things get spilled on the floor, pretty much on an hourly basis. So those damn diapers are still workin hard! But man, they are absorbant!!! Way better than any stupid Brawny crap. Kotex, cloth diapers… same thing, really. 🙂

  8. Anything period related which is even the slightest bit perky was obviously created by a man. I mean, a woman would write, “Kotex–because it’s nice not to have to change your sheets each morning” or something freaking practical like that.

    And yes, I did once hold a pad under my husbands chin when he split it open. He was not amused, bud damn, it did absorb well.


  9. Those Kotex thingys make great leg bandages for an injured horse’s lower leg. You lash them to the leg (not too tightly, of course) and instant absorption! They can also be used to apply and hold medicine to said injured horse leg as well. Additional bonus – the horse is not embarrassed at all by this alternate use, but the owner might get some odd looks.

  10. They should just have an ad where a chick is crying and eating chocolate chips straight out of the bag.

    That’s the TRUTH. And that will sell. Because who hasn’t experienced a never-ending chocolate binge while crying at the evening news?

  11. What I love is how almost all the brands of pads are given names to do with security and/or freedom.

    Beause those are the two things I feel the most when I wear one of those.

    Except I do like the trivia on the libra ones, but that’s because I read anything and everything. It’s also an early warning system. If I come out of the bathroom spouting stupid trivia about elephant skin, or how much water it takes to make a kilo of wheat, then it’s time to shower me with chocolate.

  12. I once wiped my little brothers nose with a maxi pad because it was the only thing in my purse. He was four and didn’t know any better but believe me, I tell all of his friends every chance I get!

  13. Hey, those pads do work after all — that is AWESOME!

    If those Kotex brainiacs were actually smart, and all evidence points to the contrary, they would so be coming after you to do a whole new campaign for them…

  14. Another thing invented by dudes……those panties with the seam up front!!!! I allready have half of it up my butt crack I do not want the other half shoved up my lady part (camel toes are gross). And because I’m nice I’m sharing my wisdom with the world…….I use a diva cup (google it) it is full of the awesome. It does not make you happier but it makes your life easier oh so much more easier. Cuz I remember in highschool walking slowly and making sure that people couldn’t see my pad trhough my pants because it was so very thick……I don’t ever want to go back to that!

  15. And isn’t it Kotex who has the printed pads now—wallpaper for your underwear?! EW! And why thong panty liners—maybe that’s a day to just wear granny panties! And no matter how happy my period is, I don’t think I’ll be singing at the top of my lungs when I “see” it!

  16. I don’t know Kotex but I am a known hater of ads for female “stuff” – mostly done my men all over the world. And Happy Period… pff. I had my fair share of humiliating experiences when buying pads/tampons in Asia. Not knowing the name of either, I hand to hand-gesture *cringe*… Then I got diaper-sized gigantic pads that would rustle with every step. The only Happy about that was the day when it was over.

    Nowadays I carry a tupperware-box full of tampons, loaded for months if needed be. One day, during a police-check they found them and asked me where’d I get those handy nosebleed-stoppers. Even though I would have loved seeing policemen with blue strings hanging out of their noses, I’m glad they didn’t ask to keep some. My stash = holy.

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