I was somewhere over Chicago when the drugs began to take hold.

Subterranean Homesick Blues squealed through my earphones and for a split second the airplane was submerged into complete darkness. I opened my mouth to shriek; to warn everyone that we’d reached the abyss and just as my vocal chords let out a squeak, warm color returned. My seatmate turned to me; he clearly hadn’t seen the black, and as I moved to explain that we’d hit the edge; there was no going back, when I realized that he’d see it all soon enough.

We were going to Las motherfucking Vegas.

I couldn’t explain myself properly at this altitude. Instead, I grinned a fake toothy smile, hoping it passed for the real deal, mumbled something about vodka and turned up the volume on my iPod, my eyes darting to the bag on the floor. It was filled with a dazzling array of uppers, downers, grass, cocaine, mescaline and some ether thrown in for good measure. The ether, for sure, was the hardest to procure. I wondered if I could get away with using some mid-flight.

As the plane touched down in McCaren Airport, my seatmate began to weep openly, which scared me. I don’t handle emotions and I knew the tears meant that he too was entering the abyss.

Welcome to Vegas, motherfuckers.

Email me if you’re going to be there so that we may swap phone numbers. Because we need to HANG OUT. Have no fear, I am no longer sunburned. In fact, I am pasty white. “Blinded By The Light,” white. BUTT ASS white. So you need not fear my redness. Only that I may make you act as my attorney. Which, DUH.

52 thoughts on “Fear And Pranksters In Las Vegas

  1. Well, now we’re going to have to drive to California so we can drive back through Barstow. Watch out for the bats!

    See ya tomorrow!

  2. Reminds me of the time I meant to rent Leaving Las Vegas, but ended up with Fear and Loathing instead. Good times. Confusing, but good times.

  3. I go out there every 2-3 months… My whole family and my husband’s whole family live there which means we can pretend to be single and kidless and hit on each other like old times… Only that’s not at all how it happened in the old days, 4 years ago… More like “How you doin?” “Good, how you doin? Oh wait! Shit now I’m pregnant… mutha fracker… Fine… I’ll marry you.” It was like a fairy tale.

  4. Have an awesome time — just don’t destroy Vegas. I haven’t been there yet.

    Or at least take lots of pics before the city goes up in smoke 🙂

  5. Have a grrrrreat time! Glad one of us is on every painkiller known to (wo)man! (You look stunning with that beer in yer hand.) Remember, what happens in Vegas goes on yer blog.

  6. Best Post of your Today! 😉

    I feel like Vegas would you would be completely an unforgettable experience … thanks in part to the copious amount of drugs – and not much thanks to your lousy manager that will no doubt flip out and want to kill himself in the hotel room’s bathtub.

    Tell Vegas I say hello and that I miss her terribly!

    1. Arg – obviously I meant to say “yours” … but I was so overwhelmed with the awesomeness of your post that I couldn’t bring myself to type properly.

  7. Ahahahahah I adore you for that. Fear and Loathing quotes were definitely out in full force for our last Vegas trip. That’s where THEjeffster and I like to spend our anniversary because our favorite sushi restaurant in the WORLD is there. If you’re interested it’s called Koi, and it’s inside of Planet Hollywood. They serve amazing food and for Vegas, it’s about average pricing (which means slightly pricey but not too bad in my case).

    So bummed I couldn’t go a few of us were even talking about going out there and being all like, “Hey Aunt Becky we’re pranksters you’ve never met!” And seeing whether that instilled fear in you.

  8. Oh, how I long to be in Vegas celebrating your birthday. Also my birthday, which is Tuesday. But alas, life (especially the “motherhood” portion) has conspired to keep me boringly tucked away at home in my corner of western, upstate NY.

    The last time I was in Vegas, by the by, was the day my daughter was born. True story. She wasn’t due for another 6 weeks, but her birthmother partied a little too heartily and she was born that Memorial Day weekend. Hubs and I had just flown out to Vegas 24 hours before for what was supposed to be our last “adults only/kidless” vacay. When my cell rang that Monday morning, I was expecting it to be my sister and BIL, who were also in Vegas and with whom we were going to be brunching and pooling that day. Instead, it was my kid’s birthmother calling from the hospital back home saying she’d been born.

    We scrambled (thank heavens for the concierge staff at the Mirage who were fantabulous with helping us locate a way back east on a federal holiday) and got ourselves home by a combination of plane and rental car. We arrived at the hospital around 1:30 the next morning and her birthmother took us up to the NICU to see her for the first time. I have never, in all my (many, many, many) trips there, wanted to leave Vegas so badly…. and now I haven’t been back since and am dying to get there again! One of these days… just not this weekend. Alas.

    Please do Vegas like it’s your birthday. Or my birthday. Or both. For me, okay? (Which means putting at least a quarter’s worth of nickels into one of the Price is Right nickel slot machines and betting on 23 and 34 on the roulette table. Yeah, I’m crazy like that.)

    Have a most fantabulous time, dear Aunt Becky!!!

  9. If I had more than $20 in my checking account I would skip work and drive there to meet you! It’s only 8 hours (ish) from here. Since I can’t, however, have extra fun for me.

  10. I hope one of the Pranksters stays sober enough to take notes because I bet this could be turned into an awesome movie. Of course, you may not want anyone to know everything that happens. Let’s see: Stripper poles, male dance revues, bars. Hey you’ve had some tough times, enjoy yourself. Just call it “research”. lol

  11. My step-son flew to Vegas this morning. I’m sending him list of bail bondsmen…I can send it to you too! Just kidding. I’m really hoping he doesn’t need it. Have fun!

  12. Make sure you come home with a mini slot machine bank. It gives saving a whole new twist! Hope you meet lots of fellow pranksters there and — oh, yah, behave yourself and remember you stitches… Stay out of the rain… and win BIG!

  13. So disappointing! Not one airport horror story!

    Have a fantastic trip…leave that town remembering that Aunt Becky was there!

  14. I land around one on monday. Stayung at Planet Hollywood where Ive never stayed before but jazzed because Sephora and the place that serves my favorite lobster bisque ever are in the shops there. I may not need to leave.
    If you want to see a show, go to one of the tickets for tonight places, one is on the first floor of the fashion show mall, they’ll be much cheaper. Try to see the beetles love. It’s my fave. Penn and teller are great too!

    1. Penn and Teller are one of my must-dos every time I’m in Vegas! I’m not sure they’re in town this weekend though.

      Mac King over at Harrah’s is pants-wettingly hilarious, great close-up magic and free, if you score tickets from one of the showgirls wandering around outside the building. (Well free with a 2 drink minimum anyhow…)

    2. Penn and Teller are one of my must-dos every time I’m in Vegas! I’m not sure they’re in town this weekend though.

      Mac King over at Harrah’s is pants-wettingly hilarious, great close-up magic and free, if you score tickets from one of the showgirls wandering around outside the building. (Well free with a 2 drink minimum anyhow…)

  15. Vegas is much less exciting if you live here. But for the record, I am here. 🙂

    Let me know if you or your crew need tattoos, we can make it happen. 🙂


  16. I am so so so jealous. I miss you already, as I sit here in my own pain pill haze pondering my mystery butt and my mom’s stroke today. Oh, to be young, carefree, and not unhappy in the pants. Fuck.

  17. I’m up running data for work, at 3 god-damned-am, and what I hear from my driveway is that constant, Caterpillar-caliber beep, beep, BEEP, as they plow the snow from my driveway. I’m in Tinley Park, you’re in Vegas, wish I was there doesn’t begin to cover it. HAVE FUN! And thanks for all you do!

  18. haha! i thought i was the only person in the world who is either a) butt ass white or b) bright lobster red. there is no middle ground for me. but i’m in good company! fuck yeah

  19. You’re here?? I have been out of blogging for a while and had no warning you were visiting my fair city. I would totally come party with you. Don’t forget to try out the 5 Below bar at Mandaly Bay. It’s all frozen and they serve you vodka in a a glass made of ice. I think it’s prefect for you. Have fun and give me a buzz if you need a trusted Prankster to re-up your paraphenalia arsenal.

  20. HAVE FUN!
    LOL, I’d bring a bag of goodies for sure if i knew i could get them on the plane in one piece. I find it funny someone was crying as soon as the plane docked, vegas must be a boat load of hell for him.

  21. For a moment, just after reading “a fake toothy smile” I thought you were implying that your teeth were fake.

    For a moment I thought I’d been wasting far too much time DESPERATELY (and fruitlessly I might add) looking for a job (so I won’t have to cancel Christmas *insert the sound of my children crying for dramatic effect*)
    and not NEARLY enough time reading your blog.

    “When did she have her teeth removed and replaced with fakes?”

    I asked myself.

    “I totally missed that”

  22. yay, i can finally comment!

    i love your blog, been following for a while now, but am quite pretty, and therefore could not figure out to leave a FUCKING COMMENT!

    you are my hilarious aunt becky! i’m so happy to finally tell you so.

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