You know when the Urgent Care doctor looks concerned after he’s examined you that you’re pretty much fucked. You know that you’re really fucked when he actively prescribes you narcotics and steroids that you’re really fucked. Sadly, I was able to procure no fentanyl lollies, but still, I have a big ass bottle of Vicodin with my name on it.
Rather than loll about the house in a narcotics filled haze (THEY ARE LEGAL, MR. DEA AGENT) occasionally hallucinating Cuban cabana boys (and, for that matter, a cabana), I am as tightly wound as a wee circus mouse on a crack bender. I’m desperately wishing that I had some houses to build or decks to pound together with my bare hands or perhaps a dozen orphans to care or maybe a small island to build with some dirt and a bucket.
This here, THIS IS MOTHERFUCKING BAT COUNTRY, Pranksters.
Or maybe I’m just on speed. And it totally and completely sucks.
I’ve never been on it before, but Ben had to take it for his chest years ago and I remember he was a total asshole whenever he was on it. Daver and I always dreaded it.
I’m just incredibly annoying to be around and I’ve apologized preemptively to anyone who deals with me on a regular basis because I’m now wired and COMPLETELY aggressive.
My internal monologue is something like this:
WHERE IS EVERYONE? WHY AREN’T THEY TALKING TO ME? I AM THE KING OF THE WORLD. HELL, I WISH I COULD LAY OFF THE SPEED. WOW, I CAN GET SO MUCH DONE. WHERE IS EVERYONE? WHY AREN’T THEY TALKING TO ME? WHY ISN’T PURPLE A FLAVOR? WHY ISN’T SOMEONE MAKING ME BACON RIGHT NOW?
So if I’m annoying to deal with, it’s actually MORE annoying to be inside my head.
Only. seven. more. days.
I am over at Toy With Me talking about how I annoyed a stalker into submission and shockingly, it’s safe for work, which means I am probably losing my edge and should be taken out back and shot.
108 Responses to Fear and Loathing in Urgent Care
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Blech. I wish I could do something to help. Hope it gets better soon, Aunt Becky.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Have any chores for me to do? I CAN DO THEM ALL.
I want a cubana boy of my very own, too.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Dude. Carlos is mine, baby.
My 4 year old is taking steriods 2x a day for asthma. I am sure you can imagine since you said Ben took it when he was younger. It’s like Captian Destructo has been set loose in my house.
An extremely emotional Captian Destructo.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Oh. My. God. You poor thing.
How appropriate that on the day you’re losing your edge, the comments on my post are all about how everyone can’t believe how much I swear.
And by appropriate, I mean completely meaningless.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Bwahahaha. It’s completely meaningless and I love it.
Oh, how I know. My kid has also had to use it for breathing-related stuff, and he is NUTSO when he takes it. I have a friend right now who has to take ginormous doses for a while–I won’t say how big, because frankly, it sounds like a lie. However, I’m a little frightened to call her since she started it. I feel like big, meaty hands could come through the phone and choke me if she found me the slightest bit annoying. Because that’s how big the dose is: big enough to cause spontaneous big, meaty phone-hand growth. Poor thing…her and you. I hope you feel better soon.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Dude. I could SO see the meaty hand coming through the phone. Also, that made me laugh my ass off. I officially love you. More than before even.
Twitter: wombatcentral
says:
Poor Aunt Becky. Maybe you can whip together a couple more books while you’re on the drugs. Ooh, or write some more fab greeting cards. Once you’re done cleaning out every cupboard and scrubbing all the walls and baseboards, that is.
Just had to get an inhaler for my girly’s hideous cough. They warned me she might get wired from it. Sooooo glad that didn’t happen. Here’s hoping your body gets used to the drugs and you level out after a couple days.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
I should SO write three books and rewire my house. GOOD CALL.
I LOVE it when my husband is on prednisone. LOVE it. SO much gets done around our house. LOL Hm… want to send me some and I can spike his drinks?
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
BWAHAHAH! Maybe I should spike The Daver’s drinks!
I’m sad. I had to take prednisone last year when I hurt my back. I didn’t get any of those fun side effects.
My house needs re-painting, I suppose you could do that.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
I could come do that! HAPPILY.
So, uh…..will you have an extra? When you’re done, I mean. See, I’ve got, like, a few pounds I’d like to lose before BlogHer and that speed of your just may be the ticket I’ve been looking for.
(thanks)
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
All yours, baby.
Oh, my Aunt Becky. I’m so sorry – you just described me without my medication.
Also, overnight me some of that Vicodin so that I can give it to the neighbor’s dog. The damn thing kept me up all night with it’s damn barking. I think the squirrels are toying with him.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Now, I will fax you some Vicodin because that is BULLSHIT. Fucking barky dogs.
A-MEN to that. Actually, Fucking Barky Dog OWNERS for not giving their own vicodin to the dogs.
… i think that comment made me a terrible person.
I once had an Ashtma Flare Up that necessitated high doses of speed-ish stuff and I remember getting VERY freaked out by a cartoon called Space Ghost. My room mates were considering throwing me out until I felt better and got off the meds. I am pretty sure they were thinking that. I’m also pretty sure I could read their thoughts. I understand this speed problem of which you speak. Good luck with that. Vacuuming always helps me, no matter which drug I’m taking to fix whichever problem I have.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
I find vacuuming helps me too! As does bleach. Lots of bleach.
Would you mind sharing? Cuz I got a shit ton to do and could def use the boost as I’m feeling very lethargic at the moment.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
You can HAVE it.
Did you want to come and re-landscape my yard? My husband needs help relocating a juniper bush, and dividing the pampas grass. I figure if you’re that wired, you can fly the 300 miles to my house, and be back in time for dinner.
Feel better soon…
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Shit, I can RUN there, baby. I’M ON MY WAY.
oh my gosh i have had to be on the prednisone several times for various allergic reactions (DAMN contact Dermatitis)…… my house always gets way cleaner and I get WAY WAY less sleep…. Back when I first went on prednisone there was an anti-meth commercial where it basically showed a girl scrubbing her shower floor with a toothbrush looking like hell and I now I ALWAY picture that commercial when I am on it…..
and sorry for multiple comments, but I always assumed my extra bitchiness when I was on prednisone was just because I was itching all over from the damn rash caused by something innocent like shower soap with YELLOW COLORING IN IT! I had no idea that I was getting bitchy from the prednisone itself.. man I bet I am a TON of fun to be around. Hope you feel better soon!
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
DUDE. THE AIR IS HAVING THE AUDACITY TO LAND ON ME. FUCKING AIR.
speedy, paranoid, and aggressive — sounds like my bad pms. can i get fentanyl lollies or vicodin for that! the fear and loathing refs were too funny.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Luckily, I don’t get PMS. Because if I did WATCH OUT MOTHERFUCKERS.
New t-shirt suggestion to go with your greeting cards:
How many awesome bloggers on speed does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don’t know how…
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BOW TO ME!!
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Dude. We could make a zillion dollars. I could probably make them all tonight when I AM NOT SLEEPING.
WHAAT? Which is making you loopy? The vicodin or the steroids?
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Steriods, I think. Perhaps, though, I’ll get really strong. That may be the silver lining here.
I’ve been on the prednisone a few times for allergy related stuff. My floors were never so shiny as they were then. I was manic about the floors. Not to mention the havoc it played with my insomnia. I fear that stuff now
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
I am very afraid of the stuff. Still am. I’m suddenly very sympathetic to anyone who is ever manic.
Oh yes. The ‘roids. Eight hours in and I could re-paint the house and re-shingle the roof.
FYI, by day two it’s fine if you drink (and possibly toss in a sleeping pill.)
Just saying.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
I’ll be doing both. While freebasing my Vicodin. Sounds amazing right now.
Oh nice, in combo with the Topomax, so your speeding, not eating and not sleeping? Do you hear that? Sorry, but it is the sound of laughter from somewhere in Kentucky, I would be laughing at the Daver, your neighbors, friends and virtually anyone else who comes into so much as casual contact with you until this is over. That just sucks! WTF??!! Maybe a bottle or 2 of cheap pure grain to balance everything out?? Just sayin.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
I really need to drink. I think that’s the only solution, baby. And you should laugh. I’ll be cracked out in a week.
I totally missed the steriod part and was wondering why vicodin was making you feel that way. Lady H got that shit when she was like 4 w/ pnemonia and we were supposed to be getting on an airplane that minute and instead we were in the emergency room. I sat in the room crying because we had to reschedule our trip and Lady H bounced back and forth from the chair to the bed to the floor and bounced off every frickin wall in the room. Yeah doc, she sure LOOKS sick enough to cancel my vacation. That shit is evil.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
It’s pretty much The Devil. I feel sick but I am not feeling sick. It’s kind of miserable.
I too think purple should be a flavor. I even googled it and was greeted with this: http://www.purpleflavor.com/
They have quite the array of products. The fudge sperm is particularly creepy and I’m sure you know what my first thought on that one was!
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
I am officially scared. HOLD ME.
Medication, like pregnancy, illness, hormones, period, most things you could possibly think of, are a perfectly valid excuse for being a bitch. In my world at least.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Mine too! This is why I love you.
damn. i hope you feel better. i was thinking of sending my husband out for nyquil.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Nyquil is awesome. Especially the green death flavor.
I had a dream about you last night!!! It was probably the best dream I’ve had in a long time! In my dream we were neighbors!!!! You have no idea how much the thought of having you as a real neighbor thrills me! (You had the house next door to me that has a nice in-ground pool)
Anyway, you had just published your new magazine for this month and you wanted me to have a copy so you came over and gave it to me. It was called ‘mommy wants vodka’. All the pages were shiny and full color and there were lots of illustrations, pictures and such. It was an awesome magazine and was about 50 pages long. I was thrilled you had given me a copy.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
ZOMG. If we were neighbors that would be the best. thing. ever.
I’m sorry that you got sick and had to go to the bad place. I hope you feel better very very soon. Definitely don’t like when something messes with my Aunt Becky. In the meanwhile, can I jump on the drug-sharing bandwagon, because my house is a complete mess, and I could totally use something that gives me the time and energy to work on that. I’m sure my kiddos & hub won’t mind if I turn into a raving bitch… I’m pretty sure they already get that impression anyway…
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
I can SO give you some, my friend. I really, REALLY don’t want to use it anymore. I think it makes you bloaty.
Ah, fentanyl lollies. That was the best episode of Intervention ever. If you get them, you can claim the color maroon hurts you and do weird stretches in your front yard. It’ll be rad.
I have some yard work you could do and I live close to an In-n-Out burger.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
ON MY WAY!
Purple IS a flavor, they just call it grape. And I’m on speed too (phentermine for weight loss), but I LOVE it! Maybe my speed is more fun than your speed. I’ve done the prednisone ting and don’t remember being that thrilled abut it. So yeah, you just need to get hooked up with the right stuff.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Is it working? The weight loss drug?
I’ve lost NINE POUNDS! It is working like a mofo. Now, I AM working out and watching what I eat too. But it makes it where I just kind of go, “Food? Meh. Take it or leave it.”
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Dude. That’s amazing. Kind of like Topamax, except for that Topamax makes me not want to ever eat ever. BLECH food.
My uterus is leaking, ‘nough said.
Aren’t we a fun bunch of Pranksters?
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Dude. Mine will be soon. It will be amazing. I will be SO HOT.
That’s how my Lortabs made me feel after my C-section but I couldn’t move. My mom had to practically hold me down so I didn’t bust my gut trying to do stuff. It’s cool how something that’s supposed to take the pain away to allow rest does the exact opposite. Rock on Aunt (Speedy) Becky!
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Bwahahahaha! If only I didn’t want to scratch my brains out. HELP ME.
I had to take Vicodin after I set my kitchen on fire and burned my hand trying to throw a frying pan full of hot grease out the back door. After I got back from the ER with my Vicodin I wandered into the back yard and stood out there turning in slow, random circles until my husband brought me inside. I went out there after I got discouraged looking for the thermostat.It was right on the wall in the downstair hall where it’s always been but I couldn’t find the damn thing.
At least we got a really nice, new kitchen out of it.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Bwahahahaha! You are my new BFF. I’m sorry, but you are. I am in love with you now.
Yech. Prednisone is a nasty drug and don’t forget to taper off of it otherwise you’ll have bigger issues (not so good). For myself, I am a total lightweight with meds and I am allergic to coedine. So when I was in the hospital after both of my c-sections, they gave me oxycodin and combining it with the other drugs my “spidey senses” (as my hubby calls it) kicked in. Felt a 2.3 earthquake that no one else did. Heard a police officer’s whistle directing traffic 3 blocks down the road. Couldn’t sleep because cars driving by were feeling like they were driving right thru the room. Crazy stuff. ah, drugs.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Your description of Spidey Senses is EXACTLY how I feel. And I sort of want to pull my brain out through my ear. SAVE ME.
All drugs should be legal. I mean come on, we all know the urgent care docs are really the kids who just barely passed in med school and can’t get jobs in the real ER. So, of course, they will happily write you scrips for just about anything. Cuz they can. Wait, **cough**, I think I need to go to the urgent care now. I feel a bad, a really bad, something coming on and I KNOW I need meds. especially that magic V pill.
Sorry about the roids. Be sure to include ‘body builder’ in your book bio:)
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
I am going to include “body builder” and anything else that pops into my mind as something that might be kind of cool sounding in every resume from here on out.
Did you see the lady on Intervention that’s addicted to the lollies? I didn’t even know such a thing existed. I’m so out of the loop.
Hope you get to feeling better or at least calm down a bit, and purple should be a flavor!
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
I really, really hope the feeling dies down because I am SO going to go out of my mind (what was left of it, I guess). And fentanyl lollies are where it’s AT.
Dude, the pred makes me evil. Grumpy, grumpy, grumpy. Probably because I turn into an insomniac. Hope you feel better soon, and you can feel the effects of your yummy vicoden sooner.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
I am going to be more evil than normal by 11PM. Seriously, WATCH OUT WORLD.
Prednisone in small doses, makes me happy. Possibly because it also works on my allergies. But in large doses? Psychobitch with a HUGE neck and an even bigger appetite. And if you get in my way, I will cut you.
Purple is a flavor. As is bright red.
Hope you feel better soon.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Bright red is my favorite flavor.
Seriously? Get your ass over to ALL OUR HOUSES, Aunt Becky, and do something useful. Why should we not all profit by your profligate, feckless use of these mind-blowing drugs?
What are you waiting for?
Love,
Angie at Eat Here
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
I think that’s a BRILLIANT idea. It would beat the bees swarming in my head. Seriously, it’s SO ANNOYING to live in my head right now.
If I drive to Chicago, will you clean my car while the high lasts? It could use it…
*hugs*
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
I will SO clean your car. And mine. And my neighbors. And then the gutters!
Damn. When I’ve had to take steroids I just tried to kill a co-worker by side-arming a physical chemistry text at his head and then broke into hysterical sobs and ran into the stairwell to hide. And blew up like a balloon. I guess all my nervous energy went into eating and homicide attempts.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Pretty sure I’m turning into a beast of burden. I kind of want to hide from myself.
I have an entire house waiting for you to clean.
Get on it.
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Starting my run down there…NOW.
Isn’t this how Levi Johnston’s mother’s career got started?
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
You know, that’s not a half bad idea…WAIT A MINUTE.
When I received your sample essay, I also started receiving spam right away. I have never received it in this email before. Did you figure out what was happening?
Will it continue? Love your tweets!
Twitter: mommywantsvodka
says:
Am forwarding this to Dave. I don’t think so, but Dave can answer this for you.
Yeah I have that reaction to Sudefed…Sudefed dude- but it is the only thing that actually works on my allergies- on the bright side I clean the hous.
just got home from visiting a good friend in the hospital who is all hopped up on the roids and confined to a hospital bed and she can’t breath. she wants sooo badly to do stuff and move but she can’t cus then she can’t breath. all roid raging and still, no good.
Your internal monologue doesn’t sound too crazy to me since someone should always have The Bacon on hand and purple is tooootally a flavor. But THEY called it grape, THEY lie, and we are the few who know the truth. Fight the man Aunt Becky, fight!
I almost spit my wine out when I read the line! Bwah ha ha! Yes, you must have caused some SERIOUS concern for an urgent care doc to prescribe Vicodin. Holy Crap! Hope you’re feeling better.
Amy
Any chance you could get another prescription’s worth? My fiancee wants to start a family within the next few years and I want to start stocking up early.
Fentanyl lollies make for a VERY fun aunt Becky!
Girlfriend, I feel for you. I once was on ‘roids for anaphylaxis and when I wanted to get something out of the backseat whilst my boyfriend drove the car at 70 mph (while on the freeway) I opened the door to walk around. Barely stopped myself. I am wholly trustworthy on narcotics and completely unreliable on ‘roids.
What in the fuck happened to you? Do I have to log in to Twitter to find out? I am not Twitter competent, either.
Oh, please, I have so much that needs to be done in my condo — plumbing, electrical, construction, painting — take your pick!
Seriously, sorry you’re going through nightmare side-effects and sorry you had whatever it was that took you to urgent care. Hugs.
LOL that’s awesome. I rarely take any meds so the few times I’ve been given anything it’s like a trip from hell!
I’m dealing with the crappy school system right now. I need an advocate – wanna torment the school for me?
I *might* pay for this service.
Really – I love love love your new site.
I want one. Will the dude help me??
I am sorry that you are sick. Next time ask for weed. That should make you mellow instead of aggressive. LOL.
Prednisone is awful. Says the guy who has spent more time on it than off of it in the last six months.
My kid needs nebulizers once in a while – and whatever goes in those things is dyslexic. Some times it makes him hyper and a total Flying Monkey and others it makes him comatose. As is murphy’s law – i never know which kid I’m going to get.
Hope you’re feelin better.
I have a solution! I have a dirt yard at the moment, and I need sod laid. And landscaping. And perhaps some of your pretty orchids to adorn my almost-inhabitable new home. (UGH, can you believe I’m still freaking living with my in-laws??!)
Anyway, I hear speed is good for yardwork! I’ll fly you in Bex;)
Hope you are feeling better. Prednisone doesn’t have that effect on me but that’s usually cos I avoid it so when I am finally forced by the docs to take it it makes me human again rather than super human when sometimes I could do with the super bit.
LOL You sound like I do after I have to hit my Albuterol. That shit gets me going and pretty much guarantees I won’t go back to sleep for a while if I happen to have an asthma attack in the middle of making The Sleep®.
Oh, and purple IS a flavor. It’s also a scent. Mhmm.
Ever tried percoset or darvicet??? Mmmm…I’ve had 4 c-sections, therefore I have a boatload of experience with painkillers. There awesome as long as you don’t mind the fact that you can’t spell or remember your own name.
Sudafed 12 hour and Mucinx D do this to me. I literally thought I could die from a heart attack. Hang in there!!
Hope you’re feeling better by now. If you’re still speeding around, my yard needs a good clean-up. Hop a flight – I’ll pick you up at the airport.