My parents are into antiques. It took me ages to understand that some people simply went to the store to buy furniture – we just inherited it. I had no idea you could BUY a bed for a couple hundred bucks – I thought you just HAD them from your great great someone or another.
That meant that as a child, I slept in a bed that was approximately two miles long, a headboard that stretched to the ceiling with about a foot and a half of space under the bed. It was handy when I was older because hey – you can put your WEEEEED in there*.
But as a child who religiously poured over the Scare Section of Reader’s Digest, I remained convinced that there was A Murderer lurking under my bed. Or in my closet. Or just behind me as I used the bathroom. Don’t ask me how A Murder could’ve (or would have chosen) to lurk in such small spaces – but I lived in perpetual fear, running from the bathroom to my bed before jumping on it from a couple feet away – you know, so The Murderer couldn’t grab my feet and pull me into his murderous lair.
I don’t remember when I stopped being afraid of Teh Murderer. It was probably when I realized how illogical it was that A Murderer would want to actually kidnap, sell into white slavery and/or murder someone as annoying as me, but I can’t be certain.
As I got older, my fears lessened. I didn’t get in the car every day to drive to school, fearing that I’d be killed in a random act of meteor. In fact, I’m rarely afraid any more.
Except when it comes to one thing.
One tiny stupid thing.
One tiny stupid thing that sits in the back of my brain like a splinter, digging into the mushy white matter, just to say, HEY, I’M STILL HERE, MOTHERFUCKER.
My book.
I’m afraid I can’t write it.
I’m afraid that if I do write it, it’ll be bullshit and I’ll have failed. Because Your Aunt Becky, she goes big or she goes home.
I’ve spent years now focusing my efforts on other things. I founded Mushroom Printing and Band Back Together. I freelance my balls off.
I’ve vacillated wildly between being positively certain I can write this book to telling myself, Hey Yo, it doesn’t matter. Maybe you’re NOT going to be an author. But you’ve done other things. That’s surely enough, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?
The answer I keep returning to is “maybe.” Maybe it IS enough. Maybe I AM enough. Maybe this ISN’T my time. Maybe I don’t need to write a book to feel like I’ve made something of my life.
I mean, I *had* agents. They were great – but they couldn’t give me the proper attention and feedback I needed to understand what I had to be done to make my book good. So we parted ways. It was my choice. We’re still friends.
After we parted ways, I told myself that it was fine – if I wanted to write a book, I’d eBook the shit out of it. I have a story to tell, right? Right?
Not so much.
I try. I make myself promises that I’ll buckle down and go all EYE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TIGER on it and I do…until I stop. And once I stop, I tell myself that it’s for the best: self-publishing isn’t really my cup of tea. Everyone self-publishes. If I self-publish, I’ll feel like a big fat failure. I mean, I write a blog. I founded a non-profit. I’ve done well by myself. That should be enough.
Now there’s no Murderer lurking under my bed. But The Fear. The Fear is still there.
And I have no idea how to make it go away.
*See SNL sketch
52 Responses to Fear
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Write your fucking book!
Yeah. What she said. Write it first. Then you can decide if it’s shit or not, but you have to write it first.
^ What she said ^
The only way to make The Fear go away is to look it in the eye as you piss all over it.
I’m a fraction of what you are. I probably will fail. But I’m putting the final touches on my first eBook, based on my blog. Why? Because I want to.
When you stop measuring the successes and the failures, and you just do it because you want to do it, it will happen. Right now, it sounds like you’d be doing it for us. Do it for you.
Do it for you, and watch how easier to becomes.
Okay. This is great advice. I’m actually writing it all down. And you’re not a “fraction” of me. Unless you’re calling me fat, in which case, GET OVER HERE SO I CAN PUNCH YOU.
Oh please, please, please write your book! It will be amazing for you to stare that scary bastard Fear in the face as you kick the snot out of him. And we’ll all be here on the sidelines cheering you on! Plus, it would make a trifecta of blog based books that I want to own, the first two being Scary Mommy’s and The Bloggess’. Get writing!
Awww, I love you.
Okay, you may not want questions, but… dare I ask how much you’ve written? Want to talk through what stops you?
You put words on the page every day, right? You know how to do that. So it’s the idea that it’s a book and that’s different, that freaks you out?
Because it’s different, but not that different. Putting words on the page regularly is the key to both, so I have to think you can do it.
(I’m asking as someone who has thirty published novels, BTW. We all have to work through the fear.)
You’re so right. I’ve buckled down and started at least assembling the essays into one coherent form and filling in the blanks. How do you get published?
Aunt Becky, how did you get to live inside my head? How did you know that I am struggling with this same shit too? I’ve even stopping blogging b/c I’ve let my demons back into my head.
You’ve got more talent in one bogger than I’ve got in my entire head. You can do it! I’ll be right here to buy the first copy. Especially if it is printed on cupcake scented paper.
I love you.
I’ve always said you get over your fears by doing it. Afraid of needles? Sign up several times a year to have one put in your arm and blood sucked out of you. Afraid of heights? Find that high spot and look at the view (I jumped into 30 feet of water off a 50 foot cliff, but that’s me)
Like others have said, look it right in the eye and do it. If it sucks, it sucks, but I have a feeling it’ll be magical like the other projects you’ve developed.
I love you. Just. Love you. I know I have to conquer this fear – if I don’t, it’ll eat me.
I have a friend who has self-published (e-published?) books, and continues work on the full-blown series. She loves it. She feels accomplished for just having them done, and loves them.
My dad writes all the time. He has sent manuscripts to publishers, with no takers. He refuses to get an agent “because they’re out for the money” and doesn’t take constructive criticism from his literary wife and kids, but keeps writing and trying different things in the hopes that one day something will click for some publisher.
If your book doesn’t get published immediately, PLEASE don’t give up on it – we really do want to read it!
Awww, this is such good news to hear. I can do this. I’m not sure if I’ll self-pub or just wait until I can find the right agent. For now? I write. I’ll keep writing.
I have had mixed feelings about self-publishing. I have decided not to. I want to know that my writing was strong enough that a publisher got behind it.
That does not mean that I think self-published books aren’t as good (there are some great ones out there). It’s just that anything can be self-published whether it is good or not. I want the feeling of accomplishment. For me, that is having a publisher feel strongly enough about my work that they are willing to put there name on it.
Yes. I understand entirely.
You need to look this fear in the face and say “Fuck you, I’m gonna god darn write this book” If you’re fear is that no-one will read it then forget it. You write good
Bwahahahaha. I love you.
I have the same fear about my book idea…and I just look at a blank computer screen and wonder if it will ever come out of me onto that blank slate. But what I know about myself too is that this phase, which seems abnormally long, is the space I need to conceive it, roll it around, and conceptualize it. Unforunately the conceiving a book is not nearly as much fun as conceiving an actual child, but I’m pretty sure the birthing process is WAY longer as well….hopefully in the end, both will make me some money. bwahaha
Bwahahahaha. I just loves you.
AB – write the book. Just write it. Don’t worry if it’s good enough. Don’t worry if it’s up to your expectations. Just do it. Then edit it. But don’t spend your life re-writing it. That is a waste if I ever saw one. You have done amazing things with your blog, especially with The Band. You can do this. Eye of the Mother Fucking Tiger, lady. Eye of the Mother Fucking Tiger.
That’s exactly what I got to do. And I am. Thank GOD.
Write the fucking book already. I have the same fear of writing my resume. Would you have me NOT write my resume because I was afraid I’d suck at it? FUCK NO. You would totally kick me in the taco, tell me to put my whore pants on, feed me uncrustables and bacon with a side of vicodin-chip cookies, and make me write my resume. So go put your whore pants on, eat some uncrustables and bacon with a side of vicodin-chip cookies, and write the book; because this is your virtual kick in the taco. I love you, AB, and cannot wait to read your book.
Best comment EVER!!
I’ve made an ass of myself so many time for completely redonk-a-donk reasons, but I’ve never regretted the things I’ve done. I regret the things I didn’t do–kisses I didn’t give, answers I didn’t shout out in class, adventures I didn’t have.
You, well, you seem like the kinda gal that takes leaps even when you’re scared. I’m not saying you have to jump today and now, but I would put it on the calendar.
I’d totally read your book, and suspect it would be highly unlikely for it to be a flop.
My fear is math. Which is stupid, because I’m actually pretty good at it, but since it isn’t as easy as everything else is, I’m afraid.
But, I think I might want to get another degree. In computer science. Which, requires me to take some math courses I didn’t take the first time around. So, I signed up for a calculus course, 21 years after I failed it in college.
When I start to freak out, I look for some inspiration. Besides all the great cat videos, YouTube has some pretty cool stuff to inspire a geeky chick to do math. Vi Hart. Grace Hopper. Or biographies on wikipedia, like Ada Lovelace.
Find some inspiration. Then go all EYE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING TIGER on it.
I still freak out, but it seems to be working. I have a “B”.
Bex, write the damned book. I want to buy the book so I can read the book, no matter how shittastic it is (which it won’t be because you’re fuckawesome), and I will stalk you to your house and feed you Uncrustables while you’re signing my book and then I’ll have to buy a second copy because I won’t want to mar the beautiful signed book with the Uncrustable jelly smear (it’s happened) over my name (and it’ll be strawberry jelly because grape jelly is ass-nasty) and I’ll have to charge people to see the smear of jelly over my name on the most fuckawesome book that my Aunt Bex wrote because she is my human bacon (full of win and deliciousness). At least one of us should have a published work, right?
but… but… but…
You’re already a writer, an Author, a word-smith.
Take a pen and stab the Monster in the eye. As it shrieks and crumples to the floor, dieing, calmly walk away. I don’t mean you have to write THE BOOK, just kill the monster. Life is good… honest.
Aunt Becky,
Check this out “the War of Art” by Steven Pressfield. I got on Amazon for 10 or 12 bucks and it’s all about conquering the fear when being creative. It’ll give you the courage to go ahead and write the book. What you do after is up to you.
Good Luck.
CT
As someone who has plenty of stories to tell but has trouble making the time to write them down and polish them until they are finished I have found that the best thing is a writing group where a few good readers read your work closely and you theirs (turnabout is fair play) and knowing that you have readers gets that work done and they see things in it that you don’t and help you clarify what works and what doesn’t.
I found my writing group by taking a writing workshop and asking some of the other writers if they would like to join me afterwards to continue. We meet twice a month and email our stuff back and forth.
The right writing friends comment on the big stuff and the grammar and punctuation too and keep pulling for you.
So don’t sit down to write a book. Just write. Write about your beautiful children, your rock of a husband, your journey to creating the incredible communities you have and the connections you’ve made, the DIFFERENCE you’ve made.
Just write and the rest will follow
Fear is a monster. But you’re in charge.
It’s okay to stop, to pause, if you want, but it’s not okay to let the monster get you. You’re a damn good writer. You’ve got important things to say that people want to read.
The bogeyman can’t just slither up from under the bed or pop out of the closet and take that from you. Nobody and nothing can.
You own it.
I believe in you Aunt Becky
Me too
You are awesomeness, and your book will be too. We all love you and can’t wait to read it. Even if you think it sucks, your loyal blog readers and fellow Band Mates will buy the shit out of it!
On another note, once upon a time, I seriously considered getting personalized plates on my truck. They were going to say YPYWIT – for, you guessed it: You Put Your Weed In There.
You are enough. Clearly. But write the book anyway. Or write half a book. Or a page. “A book” sounds pretty overwhelming. But sitting down for a half hour and writing random crap? Not so intimidating. Then before you know it you’ll have a whole bunch of words on paper. Some of it will be crap, but a lot of it won’t, and you can always delete and alter stuff later.
Agents, “real” publishers vs. e-publishing… these have nothing to do with writing a book. These have to do with marketing. Focus on the writing first, and then the book, and then you can worry about the distribution.
One last thought: You can totally conquer this fear.. You, Aunt Becky, are totally kick-ass.
Right. RIGHT. I love you. This fear needs a taco punch.
THE FOLLOWING WORDS ARE NOT MY WORDS, THE ONLY WORDS THAT ARE ACTUALLY MY WORDS ARE THE WORDS IN PARENTHESIS. ORIGINAL AUTHOR IS NOTATED AT THE END OF THIS COMMENT:
The success of your blog(BOOK) should be determined by how you feel about your blog,(BOOK) not the number of comments(SALES) or followers,(AGENTS FIGHTING OVER YOU) because ultimately you are blogging(WRITING THIS BOOK) for you.
Blog (WRITE THIS BOOK)for yourself, not for other people.
Remember, it’s all supposed to be fun. Enjoy what you write, take pride in it, and if someone else comes along and tells you that you suck, tell them that Aunt Becky(AUNT BECKY) told them to shove it up their puckered pooper. * WRITTEN BY AUNT BECKY WITH RANDOM WORDS IN PARENTHESIS BY ME)*
OKAY, SO, NOW, SEE? FEAR IS A BULLY OF AN ASSHOLE. You so got This.
Don’t you love when people throw your own words back at you? AB, you were onto something there. Now go write!
Bwahahahahahahahahaha. You are awesome. You are SO awesome.
You don’t get over the fear. You just dare it to stop you. I know you cannot resist a dare. And I know from reading your blog that you don’t let anything stop you. You can DO this.
Aunt Becky, have you ever heard of Dear Sugar? She has some interesting things to say on what it takes to write a book, but one of the best is simply “write like a motherfucker.” I know you can do it and can’t wait to read your book!!
That’s awesome. And I can write like a motherfucker – I know it.
Fear is a funny thing. I’m working with my daughter on her fears and here’s what I know. Fear/worry is something that YOU have the power to overcome. It involves self-talk or how the things we say to ourselves take power away from us. You are the boss of your brain and so stopping the negative voice in our head is how we get that power back. First stop the negative thinking (and I mean really stop it!), next take some deep breathes, and then tell yourself that you’re okay. In fact, you’re wonderful!
It’s called cognitive behavior therapy, maybe you already know this.
I love you AB and I love your words. I would definitely read a book you wrote.
Be easy on yourself and know there are lots of people rooting for you!! <3
I’m going to wear pants every day until you write that book. You don’t want me to wear pants, do you?
Bwahahaha. PANTS ARE BULLSHIT.
1. Do what you want to do. If you want to write the book write it for yourself. Get everything all out and polish it until its beautiful and then decide if you ever want to share it.
2. There is no shame in self publishing.
3. You are so spectacular someone might even want to publish it for you.
4. I would 100% buy it.
Im ready to preorder it right now!
You can do it AB, we believe in you!
(I know Im late replying, but wanted to chime in)
AB, if you’ve already *had* agents, clearly you were worthy enough. They never would have represented you had they not believed in your skill as a writer. You got this girl — do your thing. You’re great, you’re witty, you’re unique, you’re funny. You’re going to be a huge success (hello, you are already a success!). Have faith in yourself.
also, I know an agent if you want me to throw her your link…
Awesome! I’d love if if you sent them here. If they like me? RAD. If not? RAD.