Mommy Wants Vodka

…Or A Mail-Order Bride

EVERY Day Is Mother’s Day!


Because I am not just stupid, but a masochist too, I get the Pottery Barn catalogue in the mail. And then because ‘Torture’ is Aunt Becky’s middle name (second only to ‘Danger’), I open up the pages and begin to drool.

I enviously covet the end tables with razor sharp edges, designed to shear the fingers of small children off to the bone. I’m enraptured by the very thought of being able to place things on coffee tables aside from Little People and laundry without having to guard them with my (ample) body. I wish desperately that my house had some sort of theme other than “This Is Disposable Furniture Designed To Be Tossed When The Kids Get Older.”

I want to obsess over paint colors and throw pillows and bamboo knick-knacks while sipping an ice cold mojito while sitting on a brilliantly unstained white couch; the perfect weight for my frame, my nails and hair impeccably styled into the latest cutting edge fashion. In my secret fantasy, I’m able to cook meals other than Mac-n-Cheese and pasta and enjoy them at the temperature and consistency that they were intended to be.

Then, as quickly as I began, I throw the stupid catalogue at my ugly green walls covered with fingerprints and pencil–Alex’s favorite mode of expression–and laugh. I laugh deeply.

Because I know that some day, my dinner will be hot when I eat it, my walls will be The Perfect Color, I’ll be able to fit in a size with a number versus a letter.

Someday I will have time to get my nails, my hair, my tummy tuck done. My clothes will be unstained by vomit and boogers. My television will play marathons of Whatever Deep Shit Is On Public Television rather than Wow-Wow-Wubzy and my dining room table won’t be home to towers of wooden blocks.

My windows won’t be covered with streaky hand-prints and finger-prints and my backyard will be a sanctuary rather than a repository for toys.

(To my neighbors: I’m sorry. Truly)

And I know I’ll look back, sitting alone in my big house, my perfect coiffed hair, my artfully arranged life and I will remember these as the happiest days of my life.

Because they are.

I am the luckiest person I know.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you. Those with kids here on Earth, those with kids in Heaven, those who are trying to have kids. Happy Mother’s Day to each and every one of you.


Enough of that sappy shit, Mom. There’s hands to be nom, nom, nomed.


Further proof that Daver and I may be the Missing Links.

Also, I cannot wait until I can pick up my kids from Junior High looking JUST AS AWESOME. Because, bwahahahaha!


Caption me. No, really, caption me.

49 Comments to

“EVERY Day Is Mother’s Day!”

  1. On May 9th, 2009 at 11:37 am Badass Geek Says:

    You are ace. As in, Ace of Spades.

  2. On May 9th, 2009 at 11:18 am jenni Says:

    You are so right! I look around sometimes a wish for all those things, but I know someday I will have them. I will miss the mud smeared walls, the mac and cheese lunches, and my tribe of boys running through the house screaming. Happy Mother’s Day!

  3. On May 9th, 2009 at 11:20 am kate Says:

    happy mother’s day. here’s to stupid white couches and stupid sharp coffee tables.

    my couch is dark brown and my coffee table is a cushioned ottoman. the couch? stained with something, i’m not kidding, white. the ottoman? manages to stub there toes and make them cry anyway.

  4. On May 9th, 2009 at 12:22 pm Ms. Moon Says:

    Hey! My kids have left the nest and now the dogs tear everything up and we don’t get anything nice because they’ll tear that up too.
    It never ends.
    Happy Mother’s Day. Nom nom all the hands you can get your mouth on.

  5. On May 9th, 2009 at 11:59 am Inna Says:

    Happy Mother’s Day! I look forward (someday) to the messiness and wall-art.

  6. On May 9th, 2009 at 11:59 am Danielle Says:

    Have a wonderful weekend! Happy Mother’s Day to you, too! I dare not dream of a Potter Barn home, I doubt it will ever happen.

  7. On May 9th, 2009 at 12:16 pm Emily A Says:

    Happy Mother’s Day, and thanks for making me cry. It is so true though, and I need to remind myself of that more often…

    Oh, and we seriously had ‘Danger’ on the shortlist of middle names for our son.

  8. On May 9th, 2009 at 1:07 pm Michelle Says:

    Happy Mothers day! You are very pretty by the way (I think that was the first picture I have seen of you) And thank you for the reminder that hese really are the happiest days!

  9. On May 9th, 2009 at 1:10 pm a Says:

    I thought the only appropriate caption for that pose is Fonzie’s “Aaaaay!”

    If you want all the light colored carpet and furniture, walls without pencil marks, and the rest of the “sanctuary,” you should come live with my husband. However, I’ve pretty much determined that unless you’re me, you will end up cleaning the blood spatter from said walls, carpet, and furniture. Either you’d kill him, or your brain would explode.

  10. On May 9th, 2009 at 1:12 pm Madame Yu See Says:

    Caption for picture – Happy Mother’s Day from the Queen of Diamonds.

    My walls are finally the color I want and no one rubs peanut butter into my sofa, although someone did spill cranberry juice on my Oriental rug last week, but it didn’t set, and I’m lonely as hell – for me Hell is/will be lonely.

    These are the ‘good old days’ for you – enjoy them.

  11. On May 9th, 2009 at 1:18 pm Swirl Girl Says:

    I don’t let my kids eat or drink anywhere near furniture. I put their vittles in a little bowl on the floor of the kitchen. And Crayola Color Wonder anything is the only ‘arts and crafts’ allowed in my house.

    (not really – I’m not that bad…close – but not that bad)

    and your caption?

    “M and M’s melt in your mouth, not on your cards”

  12. On May 9th, 2009 at 1:47 pm Stacie Says:

    Well said, happy Mothers Day.

  13. On May 9th, 2009 at 2:05 pm Betty M Says:

    Happy Mother’s Day! Although why you guys have it two months late….

  14. On May 9th, 2009 at 3:06 pm Erica Says:

    You have a coffee table? I haven’t been able to have one of those for nigh around 10 years! Lucky duck!

  15. On May 9th, 2009 at 2:25 pm Amanda Says:

    Happy Mother’s Day! And if God didn’t want Amelia to eat her hands s/he wouldn’t have made them so tasty! As for captioning, well, I got nothing. Yep, I’m not very creative.

  16. On May 9th, 2009 at 2:47 pm Ginger Magnolia Says:

    “Aunt Becky, keepin’ it real since 1980”

  17. On May 9th, 2009 at 3:03 pm Meghan Says:

    Sooo glad that you have a house EXACTLY like mine…are you secretly stalking me from there??? Should I buy even uglier curtains to keep you out???

    Have a very Happy Mother’s Day. I hope you get burnt French toast, 2 home made Mother’s Day cards and Maple syrup kisses all day long;)

  18. On May 9th, 2009 at 4:20 pm Jenn Says:

    You are pretty awesome. And you made me cry (just a little). AND you’re right, even with the sleeplessness and the tantrums and the messes, nothing is ever going to top it. xoxo

  19. On May 9th, 2009 at 4:21 pm Jenn Says:

    And by it I mean “the now.”

  20. On May 9th, 2009 at 7:36 pm Sarah Says:

    Happy Mother’s Day to you too!

    I’m blacklisting new furniture too. Our 11 year old couch recently sprung a hole. I’m stitching it up, flipping the cushion over, and pretending it isn’t there. Seeing as how our little weeble is due in November, there is no point to a new couch.

  21. On May 9th, 2009 at 7:45 pm Chris Says:

    Happy Mother’s Day! I absolutely hear what you’re saying. I NEVER thought I’d say this…..but I already miss the middle-of-the-night feedings, and my little one is only 2! With my first kid, I HATED HATED HATED them. By the time I got to child #3 and child #4, I was resigned enough to actually enjoy our nighttime meetings. Everyone else was sound asleep and the house was so quiet that I could spend all my energy listening to her slurp-slurp-breathe rhythm while I ran my hand over her silky hair and teeny, diapered bottom.

    Aw jeez….I’m getting weepy.

  22. On May 9th, 2009 at 7:50 pm giggleblue Says:

    awww, you are giving me so much to look forward to!! happy mother’s day!

  23. On May 9th, 2009 at 9:52 pm Coco Says:

    Oh, sweet baby jeebus. Why do you torment yourself with the Pottery Barn Catalog of All You Normal People Fail At Life?

    I think you rock. And even though you threatened to break up over the maid service thing, I know you didn’t mean it. It’ll last about 15 more hours before the chaos reigns once more.

    My walls are painted with ketchup. There’s shit I can’t ID ground into my carpets. I love every stained minute of it. Here’s to the best years of our lives, and I mean that, too.

    Happy Mother’s Day, Becks.

  24. On May 10th, 2009 at 6:42 am jerseygirl89 Says:

    Happy Mother’s Day!

  25. On May 10th, 2009 at 6:44 am jerseygirl89 Says:

    Happy Mother’s Day! Excellent points.

  26. On May 10th, 2009 at 9:31 am mumma boo Says:

    Ok, for some reason Juice Newton is inside my head as I gaze upon your lovely mug:

    “Playing with the queen of hearts
    Knowin’ it ain’t really smart
    The joker ain’t the only fool
    Who’ll do anything for you”

    That’s what moms do – put up with just about anything for the love of their kids. Happy Mother’s Day, Becky!! You are awesome.

  27. On May 10th, 2009 at 10:48 am Stacey@Havoc&Mayhem Says:

    My sofa was my parent’s sofa. They bought it after we kids had left the house & used it for 15 years. It was still in almost new condition when they gave it to us. 2 years later I have photos to prove it was once an almost electric blue and not the dingy bluish it is now. Oh, and when we got it all the recliner functions worked. It clashes horribly with the mustard yellow walls. I haven’t even seen the ‘good china’ in 6 years. It’s in a box somewhere. While plates with Diego & Star Wars fill the space.

    Now is the time for dingy sofas & plastic plates. It’s all good.

  28. On May 10th, 2009 at 10:55 am deb Says:

    A clean, quiet house isn’t all it’s cracked up to be Bex. Enjoy what you have. All you mom’s with lil ones. Soon they’ll be grown and living on their own.
    It’s really not all it’s cracked up to be.

    Hope your having an exceptional mother’s day!

    And the caption: “I give this cast, two thumbs up!”

  29. On May 10th, 2009 at 12:10 pm Maria Says:

    You are adorable.

  30. On May 10th, 2009 at 1:05 pm Employee No. 3699 Says:

    When the time comes and your children are out on their own, you’ll buy that white sofa and coat your walls with Ralph Lauren paint. Your razor sharp coffee table will be adorned with breakable nick knacks and your house will stay clean…and then the grandchildren will come.

    Happy Mother’s Day!

  31. On May 10th, 2009 at 1:31 pm Mimi Says:


    Happy Mom’s Day to you! And while I don’t have a particularly witty caption for you, you clearly don’t realize how pretty you are. 🙂

    Here’s to motherhood, my friend!

  32. On May 10th, 2009 at 3:26 pm Dana Says:

    I’ll trade you end tables with razor sharp edges for two teenagers! No! Really!!

  33. On May 10th, 2009 at 7:19 pm Kristen Says:

    How flippin cute are you???!!! Happy Mother’s day dear Becky. You are always a comforting voice in the motherhood wilderness for me. Licks (my kid’s fave way to show their love) and hugs from me to you. I am so sorry for neglecting you dear girl, your love and commiseration is so appreciated.
    We are so very blessed, aren’t we? Love.

  34. On May 10th, 2009 at 7:23 pm Susan Says:

    Happy Mother’s Day. Hope it was a wonderful one.

  35. On May 10th, 2009 at 9:00 pm Emily R Says:

    we had to get rid of the coffee tables last year after an ER visit. also? that big china cabinet with the glass? no way it would last 10 minutes.

  36. On May 10th, 2009 at 9:43 pm ms. bliss Says:

    happy mama’s day!

  37. On May 10th, 2009 at 11:27 pm Stefanie Says:

    You ah gowgauhs. Seriously. I’ve been waiting anxiously for a photo and it didn’t disappoint. So cute. And Amelia is delicousl. I want to nam nam nam on her little hand myself. Oh my lawd we are going to have fun at BlogHer. Bless our hearts.

  38. On May 11th, 2009 at 2:47 am Sarah Says:

    “One Pill Makes You Larger and One Pill Makes You Small” … shame you don’t have a bottle of Alli – of course, then you’d have to make some crack about anal leakage – in one hand and xanax in the other! 😉 Look at you, you sexxxxy beeyotch! You’re gorgeous, you know!

  39. On May 11th, 2009 at 2:48 am Sarah Says:

    And damnit! Happy Mother’s Day! Perfect ode to the madness in all of our lives!

  40. On May 11th, 2009 at 5:48 am SCY Says:

    Can’t caption, too blinded by your ace-ness… (yes that was very lame)


  41. On May 11th, 2009 at 6:15 am SciFi Dad Says:

    Awesome post. My wife also likes to self-flagellate with the PB/PBK catalogs.

    Also? I’d caption, but all I can come up with is something involving the words pink and another one that rhymes with pink except it starts with st.

  42. On May 11th, 2009 at 7:40 am Amanda Says:

    I don’t look at Pottery Barn ’cause I too well up at the sight of all of those perfect, spotless, beautiful rooms.

    Alas, my money is spent driving back and forth to the mall handing out 20 bucks at a time to my teen girls (who knew that 20 dollars could buy so much *freaking* stuff at Claires and/or Bath & Body works??), more GA Bulldogs football apparel than anyone in their right mind should have for my teen son (I think we own every conceivable piece of memorabilia under 50 dollars), and my baby’s weight in formula, diapers, medicine, and doctors….

    All that said I wouldn’t trade it in for the world – even if I just re did my carpet saying: “Just go ahead and make the color shit brown – that’s what it will look like in a day or two anyway”.

    Love your blog – you make me laugh, with every post. Thank you!

  43. On May 11th, 2009 at 8:43 am Lola Says:

    I dunno, Queen of Farts maybe? With three kids, a husband and a couple dogs, it’s got to be gassy!

    There’s no sense even spending money on nice stuff until the kids are grown. Our house had the nice stuff before the boy arrived, and lots of things got wrecked. Now, I just buy pretty cheap, especially area rugs, what with the mud, ground in goldfish crackers, dog hair and occasional puke/shit/piss that comes along with a house full of joy. Oh, and I have a white couch, by the way. It’s the cat couch, so it’s sort of gray 😉

    Hope you had a great Mother’s Day, Sexy!!

  44. On May 11th, 2009 at 8:32 am Kristine Says:

    Happy Mother’s Day!

  45. On May 11th, 2009 at 9:16 am lady lemon Says:

    Yowzer! You and the Daver are some sexxy mofos!

    I hope you had a really nice mothers day.

  46. On May 11th, 2009 at 12:10 pm Nancy Says:

    Very sweet! And that picture of you is hawt! I’ve got a little over 3 years left before I can have nice things. And then he’ll probably come home from college to break my stuff…

  47. On May 11th, 2009 at 5:58 pm charmedgirl Says:

    that was a kick-ass post, AB.
    and if i may, your tits look freakin HOT!

  48. On May 13th, 2009 at 1:14 am baseballmom Says:

    “That cake was the shit! Now would you all kindly go home so I can have some more?”

  49. On May 18th, 2009 at 8:40 am Jen Anderson Says:

    Catching up on old posts after coming back from vacation and well, I’m aghast and amused. When you wrote that you were considering taking Alli and would prefer the shitstorm to keeping the weight, I didn’t expect you to post a picture of yourself showing that you’re thinner than I was in high school.

    You’ve had four kids and your body has still not expanded to the point that you’re in the hell I like to call: Lane Bryant/Why The Hell Are These Clothes So Damn Ugly and Don’t Fit Right Anyway?

    I know that everyone wants to get back to the weight they used to be, and wants to wear those pants that used to fit but now just hang in the closet mocking you every time you walk by, but you look so not in need of a diet that I just have to laugh and tease you a little bit.

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