In college, I had to take what I called, “Bible Class” and it was the first time I actually cracked open the Bible. Well, other than the times I read aloud random passages from the hotel rooms I was staying in (much, I should add, to the chagrin to whomever I happened to be staying with). Thank you I say now, oh wily Gideon’s, for supplying me with Bibles to read from to annoy my fellow travelers with.

I read the book cover to cover and learned a lot about what the rest of the religious world was talking about. Things that most of you probably just inherently knew, but for someone like me who grew up saying “Good food, good meat, good God, let’s eat” as a bastardized version of Grace, I simply was flabbergasted. There really is, I should add now, no fucking separation of church and state.

Anyway. I married someone who grew up in a family who is so religious that they’re probably still reeling from the PTSD from meeting me and finding out that yes, their son loves a heathen.

For Ash Wednesday one year, I was working on the floor and the pastor happened to be walking around giving out the cross on the forehead, and in the name of Trying Something New, I had decided to give up using “fuck” for Lent. It should go without saying that I am not Catholic, but I was reading the Bible and figured that it was a good idea to TRY it out.

Aunt Becky Gives Up The Eff Word:

The Daver: “What’s on your forehead?”

Aunt Becky: “Ashes.”

The Daver: “From?”

Aunt Becky: “I gave up using “fuck” for Lent.”

The Daver: “You know that means you can’t say it, right?”

Aunt Becky: “FUCK.”

Lent FAIL.

Aunt Becky Goes Crucifix Shopping:

The Daver: “Shit, I need to pick up something for the Christening on Sunday. Can you pick up something for my new Goddaughter?”

Aunt Becky: “Something…?”

The Daver: “Just go to the religious store in town and get her something.”

Aunt Becky: “Bwahahahahahahahahaha!”

The Daver: “You know, like a pearl something.”

Aunt Becky: “I’m going to go and get her a gigantic crucifix.”

The Daver: “No.”

Aunt Becky: “Like a gigantic BLEEDING crucifix for them to hang in her room.”

The Daver: “NO!”

Aunt Becky: “I want it to have like realistic blood and everything. I’m thinking something in the market of…8 feet tall and 6 feet wide. That should take up at least part of the wall of the nursery.”

The Daver: “Becky, that’s not funny.”

Aunt Becky: “Maybe they can hang it over her bassinet! To keep out The Devil. I think it would be lovely to watch over her.”

The Daver: “Becky, that’s really not funny at all.”

Aunt Becky: “Neither is sending me into a religious store. I don’t know FUCK about this shit, Dave. Besides, YOU are the Godfather, not me. Also, YOU are the heavenly one.”

The Daver: “Please?”

Aunt Becky: “Do you think this sort of crucifix is a custom job?”

Christening FAIL.

(ed note: Dave didn’t speak to me for an entire week. Also, I bought the kid a nice bracelet with a tasteful non-gory cross on it.)

What religion will Aunt Becky mess up next?

It’s like Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? except with RELIGION.

Anyway, in order to redeem myself, I made YOU, my Pranksters, some new cards for Easter. I think there are also some other ones in my Love, Aunt Becky line on my sidebar. Feel free to take as you see fit because I am a giver.

Now, enjoy the cards, Pranksters.

Comments

comments

221 thoughts on “Easter, According To Aunt Becky

  1. In the next frame of Bob Ross Bunneh, I want to see him throwing down the palette and yelling “horseballs!” because the “motherfucking blue paint fucking spilled on the goddam rug again.” And then he can start yelling at the happy grass and birds he just painted. Maybe turn them into monsters after that.

    Just a thought. Haven’t you always wanted to see Bob freak out just once?

    LMAO as usual at your cards.

  2. Already following you publicly. Like, for everyone to see right in my list of “Blogs I Follow.” Now if someone would just read my damn blog… ;P

  3. Well here’s my Easter story. My dad was an atheist and when my sister asked him what Easter was he said, “Well you know who Jesus was right? Well he died on the cross and they put him in a cave and he came back out again…..but he saw his shadow and he went back in.”

    Sidebar, no one will ever get me to give up ‘fuck.’ How would I ever sing along to the Violent Femmes?

  4. I know how you feel. My mom tried introducing religion but I just never got the hang of it. Now my husband is from an uber Chrisitian fam and I fall asleep during grace. They love me anyway (though I think his sister will be on my kids like white on rice soon). Easter is coming and though I don ‘t know the whole story I’ve adopted the giant bunny that saves candy.

    P.S. I would love to join yo giveaway (want that Amazon GC) but I don’t have a twitter or facebook. Is there a way to join minus those 2 requirements? Twitter and FB have completely shunned me from contests because I refuse to join them.

  5. Want. Amazon. Gift. Card. so I can buy some bras that hold these damn things in while I run. Seriously, yo. Why is it so damn difficult to find an over-the-shoulder boulder holder that can keep these bizarrely sized girls in check during even a low key, old grandma, no speed, slogging run?

  6. I’m (nominally) Catholic and we celebrate Easter every year with a big family dinner, and I STILL don’t know all the ins & outs (Ash Wednesday, etc.). I’m in it for the ham and chocolate. God, I could say that about so many things.

  7. Will you please send my kids a blood crucifix? PLEASE? You could just send me a bag of your hair if you decide to become a Buddhist monk, i think they’d dig that too

  8. I think you should’ve offered to redecorate the little one’s room into JESUS’ TOMB. Night, night… sleep tight!

    Now give me the damn giftcard.

  9. Sending these cards to everyone I know. And now I’m a faithful twitter follower of Aunt Becky, so I can partake of teh awesome daily.

  10. I am loving your cards too. I think Easter Bunnies are very scary. I cannot bring myself to take (torture) Mea to sit on a giant scary bunny. Not. Going. To. Do. It.

    I think it could scar her for life.

    Even more then she probably already will be.

  11. I am the best fb friend you’ll ever have. But the worst Twitter one since I just quit that shit. AND if I get around to blogging about you, I’ll be back to leave more righteous comments.

  12. Bex, OMGWTFBBQ? The cards…the life-size, life-like crucifix… I’m Catholic and tried to give up fuck for Lent as well.

    Another Lenten FAIL.

    I already follow you on Twitter, your Facebook, your MWV blog, here…. Wait, isn’t that considered stalking? *jumps for joy – I’m an AB stalker!*

    And I’m composing a gorgeous poem, dedicated to you, my lovely stalkee….erm…leader (cause I’m a follower and shiz).

  13. Your Easter cards are fucking AWESOME!!

    When can I pick them up at my local Hallmark store? I wonder what section they would put them in? Hallmark really needs an Adult section. . .

  14. Becky – You know I don’t speak Spanish and I don’t…well i has trouble forming two sentences that make sense..and can’t blog. Loved the resurrection card, what goes on in your head? (never mind). But I am your fb friend:)

  15. As someone who went to private high school I understand the pain you were in. I’ve found that giving up heroin and meth fror lent is a good thing since, well, I don’t do them anyway! Great post as always. This was some fuckin funny shit, yo!

  16. I don’t ‘do’ facebook anymore. It’s a time vortex. I can’t even FB stalk you. I’ll get all up in your tweets though!
    The cards are very cute. I’m thinking about sending the 5th one down to my very religious grandmother for easter.
    Holla!

  17. I had one of the bloody crucifixes in my room growing up. Sadly, it wasn’t eight feet tall, but it did make me wish for the nice silver one my sister had on HER wall. In fact, the bloody thing is still hanging over the doorway of that room, just waiting to drip on any unsuspecting person who walks in…

  18. this blog is dedicated to you: http://www.pattypunker.com/

    easter eggs are for pussies! bwahahaha – my fave.

    next time give up ashes and crucifixes for lent. i’m always successful with these sacrifices.

    i think that covers two chances. i already follow you on google connect and follow you twitter. i just friended you on fb under my real name, too. i’ll tweet you later.

    ps: if my blog doesn’t show up as a clickable link, someone please tell me how to do that in comments. please, pretty please.

  19. It’s funny how I’m pretty sure we’ve had a similar conversation of “no, you cannot traumatize my family with your heathen ways…”, although we always take turns being the sane one. It would be unfair to make my man be the grownup ALL the time.

  20. moist.

    That was me saying something amusing. Amusing why? Because everybody will want to gouge their eyeballs out now and I am in a mood this week πŸ˜›

  21. I had to delete my facebook account on account of the fact that most of the people that friended me were people I knew in high school and I would rather be able to talk badly about them on someone else’s blog. Plus I had a stalker. Who was like 150 years old and really creepy. Plus I really never got into it. People kept giving me plants for my fucking garden and shit.

  22. Alas, I dont have a blog. I dont find myself all that interesting. I work in an ACCOUNTING firm yo. And have no drama (because I am not seeing anyone because I hate fucking drama), no kids, and my sister wont let me blog about her kids or put their picture on the Interwebz because she is afraid someone is going to find them in east of nowhere in the middle of the fucking woods where they live if their picture is on the Interwebz.

    But if I had a blog I would totally blog about how awesome YOU are. Same with Facebook, I would fill your fucking garden UP dude!

  23. here’s my little poem just for you Aunt Becky

    There once was a mom who liked vodka
    her blog entertained all of america
    for Easter her family wanted duck
    with a shrug she said what the fuck
    and burnt the shit out of that bird, hurrah

  24. Twitter? Check.
    Facebook? Check.
    Link to your blog on my blog? Check.
    Witty comment? Check. (See above.)

    Just remember, Becky, you’re no bunny ’til some bunny loves you.

    Hope you have a hare-raising Easter…

    P.S. What do you think the “H.” in Jesus H. Christ stands for?

  25. not so much entering the contest as just reminding you that i’m still here.

    lurking.

    in the shadows.

    well… not so much in the shadows as at my kitchen table, but. you know.

    point being.

    i’m still here.

  26. Things that have really truly happened in my life over the past year:

    My donkey bit my duck. (It survived in spite of the gruesome nature of the bite).

    My son invented really cheap GPS. As you drive around it says, ” warmer……..warmer……..warmer……COLDER………warmer….”

    My dog knocked over our nightstand (complete with candles surrounded by pretty stones) in her SLEEP!

    I had my fingers in my goat’s cooch to try to tell what kid’s body part was coming out first (hooves, thankfully).

  27. I have snatched some of your kick ass greeting cards and I am going to pass them far and wide over the intertubes and link them right back to your blog!

    oh yeah baby!

  28. Here is my try at being funny to try and win….actually it’s my daughter being funny….She said

    “Let me tell you something about mommies. Mommies have a hard time connecting with people. So, if you wear the shirt that I picked out for you to wear, everyone circle around you to tell you how pretty your shirt is and want to be your friend”

    She is FOUR years old.

  29. I AM Catholic and ever year I try to give up profanity for Lent. We Catholics worship at the altar of cussing. But, I am never successful because I have to drive every day in this small town of mine that is the size of a SuperWalmart. In both situations, profanity is a requirement.

  30. Just when I think that you can’t be funnier. Only, with your stories, you didn’t even TRY to be funny, so that is what is so funny!
    And nice cards!
    And if my year old tells me her favorite Easter bunny knock knock joke one more time, I may just knock knock her.

  31. You can consider me your own personal stalker. Cause you’re cool like that and everyone should have a stalker. We can be BFF’s and I’ll get us little BFF necklace charms, I’ll totally let you have the “Be Fri” and I’ll take “st end”.

  32. I can’t handle this much pressure. It’s too much for my wee brain.

    I gave up cheese one year for Lent. It was so bad(my personal sacrafice led to a, umm, a dramatic personality alteration) that mostly everyone who knew me asked me to please, for the love of g.o.d., never do that again.
    I have happily complied and instead, gave up all things religious. So much easier to do than cheese.

  33. Twitter doesn’t allow space for limericks, so I directed the tweet to here. Oh, crap. I just noticed someone else resorted to poetry, but if one poem is good, two must be better, right?

    And now, Easter Poetry for Aunt Becky:

    Aunt Becky was all psyched for Easter
    For eating lamb cake heads quite pleased her.
    She jumped in the air
    While going downstairs
    Oh, greatβ€”now she’s broken her keister.

  34. When I was 19 and my siblings were 15 and 24 respectively, my mom decided it would be our last big Easter, and that after this year there would be no more Easter Hunt. And, well, Mommy Dearest wanted to out with a bang. She got us out of bed at 7am Easter morning (older sis and I had only got in from the bar a few hours earlier) and we came downstairs to find, instead of baskets, a note… from the Easter Bunny nestled in amongst a pile of gaudy plastic flowers. The note said we had to go on a hunt, in our pajamas, all over town, by car, to get our Easter treats. The pile of flowers? Turns out they were Easter bonnets… that we had to wear everywhere… in our pajamas… We had to take a disposable camera with us to every location the clues lead us to and take a picture out front to prove we were in uniform. To get the next clue we had to recite nursery rhymes, do the bunny hop, draw whiskers on ourselves, and many, many other mortifying tasks… she had threatened every gas station worker, hotel concierge, cashier, etc. who had a clue, and they all enforced the rule they had been given. My Dad was convinced that we would never do it, and that Mom had “RUINT Easter” but somehow we all went along with it. And now my mother has a roll of very incriminating photos of us stashed away just in case she ever needs to balckmail us…

  35. I just added you on facebook. Don’t be afraid of the fact that I’m dressed as a zombie. We have this Zombie Prom at my college. It’s an excuse to get dressed up as zombies and get drunk on a day that’s not Halloween.

  36. Aaaand now for something amusing…
    Background: I am at a wedding. I am in “a mood” (Read: Probably a manic episode. It’s ok. I enjoy the insanity)
    They get to the part where they do the body and blood of christ, only at this wedding, they do some sort of mixing thing, and its real-ass complicated, and I’m like…wtf… so I lean over to my sister and I’m like… “What are they doing?”
    Sister: They’re making Communion stuff.
    Me: Are they making a salad?
    Sister: *pause* *considers the alternative* Yes, they’re making a unity salad with Jesus Dressing.

    we are often those people who are giggling waaaaaay too loudly at something completely inappropriate.

  37. Ok, why don’t they have midgets in prison???

    Because if a psychic midget escaped he would be a … Small Medium At Large.

    That is my attempt at being funny, I find it damn hilarious as do all of my Department Of Corrections friends. Here’s to hoping you civilians like it!! πŸ™‚

    Oh, and I’m going to friend you on Facebook!!

  38. My ex used to write inside the hotel bibles. He’d sign his name or write some obscure little message. I’m not into religion, except I like the eastern religions more than western. Less fighting, denial, homophobia and more centering yourself and “enlightenment”.

  39. And finally, I have to say that I never knew you were religious and now I am feeling a bit inferior and threatened. But it’s obvious you were intended to be behind the pulpit. Next you’re going to start preaching to me…

  40. aaaaand now I’ve done the Google Friend Connect thing, though you were already on my RSS feed. (I’m using a different email address there than the one I’m using to post this comment, though.)

    (as for the remaining entry possibility, I have no blog on which to blog about you. sorry! haha)

  41. Really funny and well written. I don’t know how you can write such long posts that are so easy to read. You must know a lot of words. I absolutely adore religious satire, and I look forward to meeting you in hell.

    In the name of shameless self-promotion, don’t just check out my blog at http://www.teeshirtsoup.com, link to it, make it a part of your daily routine.

  42. Ok did the Facebook friend request but forgot to add personal message – oops.

    Jokes – unfortunately the only jokes I have at the moment are ones a 6 year old finds funny – like “Which day of the week do fish hate? I dont’t know, which day of the week do fish hate? Friday” cue 6 year old collapsing with laughter.

  43. And i luv the fact that i appear to be small green alien – total opposite of the big pink haired giant that i am!

    you rock aunt becky!!

  44. I love the cards. And the hello kitty wine. THANK YOU! The cards are awesome. Don’t make me cut a bitch. LAMO! THOSE are prizes enough. πŸ™‚

  45. Amusing easter related comment…not only has Jesus risen, he’s working at Jack in the Box by my house. He served me egg rolls and tacos after a night of drinking and pool last night!

      1. Wait, you’ve been out to CA twice, at least, done the In-n-out thing, and missed the Jack on the Box middle of the night tacos? So sad! Usually, they’re open 24-7 and either something about the food just goes well with booze, or we all get desperate because nothing else is open in the middle of the night, fast food-wise. Except random taco stands, which can be fabulous also…

  46. Today I played for an Easter service. The minister said, “if you need a fresh blow by the Holy Spirit, see me after the service and we’ll pray.” This was after he had asked if there was anyone who would like to taste Jesus. I had to pretend I was weeping because I was sitting right up in the front and couldn’t stop laughing.

  47. And on a side note, instead of researching tapeworms, we spent an hour trying to figure out what animal was sacrificed for the horn my son got in his easter basket. I thought it was plastic, but it’s SO NOT PLASTIC. And, FYI, there are some pretty gnarly pictures online of animals killed for their horns. Let’s go eat ham !

  48. This made me laugh SO hard. I don’t care about winning anything..I figure I’ve already won by knowing about your blog. But thank you SO much for making me laugh when I needed it. You seriously rock and I adore you. I want to be like Aunt Becky when I grow up. If I ever do…

  49. I’m obviously very addicted to you and will follow you to the ends of the earth. But not in a creepy way. Never that. Hehehehehehehehe πŸ˜‰

  50. Oh, and Becky, if I were to write a blog post about you, I think all of my conservative Christian friends would wet their pants in shock. That said, I see when I check my sitemeter that a few of them outclick to your blog on a regular basis, so I guess they’ve got a touch of heathen in them still, too.

  51. My daughter just pooped in her underwear. Again. While this is not amusing to me and I wanted to cry, I imagine it may be amusing to someone else.

  52. I have been into one of those religious stores all of once. It was probably a similar occasion, a christening for someone I only knew through someone else, so I had no idea what I was doing. I was raised going to church and everything, and yet I was honestly amazed when I saw the assortment of religious paraphernilia that was collected in once place. All I really remember was an amazing number of Bible covers, lots of pearls, and crosses that made me feel like I was surely headed for hell.

  53. And now I’ve blogged about you and added you to the blogroll at the blog where you weren’t on the radar already. Don’t read it, you’ll be pissed.

  54. Pingback: Do not read this blog.
  55. follwing your blog too!

    Trying to think of something witty & funny to write here as well & all I can come up with is a bit of a Monty Python skit, “and slew they the goats yea…and they put the bits into little pots.”

    So there you have it. You make me laugh. I like you!

    :o)

  56. How about a crucified easter bunny instead? You know-get into the spirit of the season and all. Oh btw…I friended you on FB πŸ™‚ Now how’s about you enter me into that there contest of yours lol?

  57. Great. Now I’m going to have to go out and commit a whole lot of sin, because I want to go to Hell with you!!!

    The crucifix. Oh the crucifix. I’m totally laughing.

    Ash – semi-good Episcopal gal.

  58. Your Blog name caught my eye, due to it being in the same genre as mine… Across my blog pic are the words:

    “That’s nice dear, now be a lamb and get mommy another scotch”

    I’m not facing motherhood in a AL trailer sober! πŸ˜›

  59. Now to think of something amusing to post…

    Hmmm. I recently started my own blog, but haven’t told anyone I know, for fear they might actually look at it. I need to get in a groove first.
    Well, OK, I told a couple of friends about it. But I refused to tell them what it’s called or how to find it.

    Is that amusing, or just kinda pathetic?

  60. Maybe not amusing but certainly some awesome trivial knowledge.

    There IS actually a difference between a shit ton and a metric shit ton … its 214 pounds. Important things that one can learn from friends who are truckers!

  61. I was going to post your button on my blog which I started actually writing on. Unfortunately, I am too stupid. It happens. I am okay with that! But you can read my 3 entries. If you wanna.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *