In college, I had to take what I called, “Bible Class” and it was the first time I actually cracked open the Bible. Well, other than the times I read aloud random passages from the hotel rooms I was staying in (much, I should add, to the chagrin to whomever I happened to be staying with). Thank you I say now, oh wily Gideon’s, for supplying me with Bibles to read from to annoy my fellow travelers with.
I read the book cover to cover and learned a lot about what the rest of the religious world was talking about. Things that most of you probably just inherently knew, but for someone like me who grew up saying “Good food, good meat, good God, let’s eat” as a bastardized version of Grace, I simply was flabbergasted. There really is, I should add now, no fucking separation of church and state.
Anyway. I married someone who grew up in a family who is so religious that they’re probably still reeling from the PTSD from meeting me and finding out that yes, their son loves a heathen.
For Ash Wednesday one year, I was working on the floor and the pastor happened to be walking around giving out the cross on the forehead, and in the name of Trying Something New, I had decided to give up using “fuck” for Lent. It should go without saying that I am not Catholic, but I was reading the Bible and figured that it was a good idea to TRY it out.
Aunt Becky Gives Up The Eff Word:
The Daver: “What’s on your forehead?”
Aunt Becky: “Ashes.”
The Daver: “From?”
Aunt Becky: “I gave up using “fuck” for Lent.”
The Daver: “You know that means you can’t say it, right?”
Aunt Becky: “FUCK.”
Lent FAIL.
Aunt Becky Goes Crucifix Shopping:
The Daver: “Shit, I need to pick up something for the Christening on Sunday. Can you pick up something for my new Goddaughter?”
Aunt Becky: “Something…?”
The Daver: “Just go to the religious store in town and get her something.”
Aunt Becky: “Bwahahahahahahahahaha!”
The Daver: “You know, like a pearl something.”
Aunt Becky: “I’m going to go and get her a gigantic crucifix.”
The Daver: “No.”
Aunt Becky: “Like a gigantic BLEEDING crucifix for them to hang in her room.”
The Daver: “NO!”
Aunt Becky: “I want it to have like realistic blood and everything. I’m thinking something in the market of…8 feet tall and 6 feet wide. That should take up at least part of the wall of the nursery.”
The Daver: “Becky, that’s not funny.”
Aunt Becky: “Maybe they can hang it over her bassinet! To keep out The Devil. I think it would be lovely to watch over her.”
The Daver: “Becky, that’s really not funny at all.”
Aunt Becky: “Neither is sending me into a religious store. I don’t know FUCK about this shit, Dave. Besides, YOU are the Godfather, not me. Also, YOU are the heavenly one.”
The Daver: “Please?”
Aunt Becky: “Do you think this sort of crucifix is a custom job?”
Christening FAIL.
(ed note: Dave didn’t speak to me for an entire week. Also, I bought the kid a nice bracelet with a tasteful non-gory cross on it.)
What religion will Aunt Becky mess up next?
It’s like Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? except with RELIGION.
Anyway, in order to redeem myself, I made YOU, my Pranksters, some new cards for Easter. I think there are also some other ones in my Love, Aunt Becky line on my sidebar. Feel free to take as you see fit because I am a giver.
And, in the true nature of giving, I give you THIS.
And, because it’s Easter and I can’t exactly give you Easter Candy through The Internet, I’m doing a giveaway. A DOUBLE giveaway.
A $50 Amazon Gift Card AND a $50 Gift Card to Good for the Kids. 2 winners. (Both, I should add for the sake of my BlogHer contract purchased with Aunt Becky’s own monies).
You have until April 8th at midnight CST to win. Here’s how (you can have up to 4 chances). You must leave a separate comment for each that you did. Random.org will choose 2 winners for me.
1) Leave a comment here saying something amusing. You’re all fucking amusing so that’s not hard.
2) Write me a blog. I want a blog entry. I don’t really give a shit about what, but you know, something full of The Awesome. Like a funny picture or a love poem about my awesomeness. Throw my button in there somewhere (it’s on the sidebar) so your readers know who I am. THEN, link to it in the comments.
3) Follow my blog publicly on Google Friend Connect (on my sidebar, yo), or my RSS feed because, let’s be honest, it’s a couple of clicks for you. How hard is it?
4) Be my Facebook Friend because I am desperate and needy. Not NERDY, but needy.
5) Follow me on Twitter, or if you already do, tweet at me something something glowing and amazing. Like, something about my luminous eyes (or whatever). Pretty much something to make me laugh. Every day. For a week.
Now, enjoy the cards, Pranksters.
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April 4th, 2010 → 11:33 am
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April 8th, 2010 → 11:14 am
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April 14th, 2010 → 12:30 pm
[...] have to email my winners for my Easter contest, but a big HELLS YES to everyone who [...]