There’s this BIG ASS blogging conference going on in like a couple of weeks, Pranksters, and unless you’ve been living under a very large rock or perhaps are an alien, you probably have heard of it. It’s called BlogHer and pretty much it’s the Grandmother of Blogging Things.

(okay, we’ll forget how lame that sounds for a second and proceed)

It’s in NYC this year, and while I was all WHATEVER, I’m not going, I totally broke down and bought tickets because, it’s NYC which, like California, is sort of where I feel home. Not, incidentally, where my ACTUAL home is, but that’s just details. It’s further proof I need to marry Mick Jagger so I can get a sweet house on both of the coasts.

Then, I was all, WOW, I turn 30 in July, I should do something rad for my birthday, because historically, my birthdays have sucked, so I immediately thought of Vegas. I’ve never been to Vegas, but it seems like the place that people should go when they want to be debaucherous and turn 30 and forget that the past year has pretty much sucked the life out of them.

But, I’m more of a broad stroke kind of person, so I got caught up in thinking about the adventures of my fake Monkey Butler, Mr. Pinchy, and how we were going to steal the purple coat from Shaft and probably some colorful jewels from somewhere and then the next thing I knew, it was JULY.

It’s July and I haven’t done fuck-all for my birthday OR BlogHer.

So, last night, I did the highly responsible thing and ordered 4 dresses for BlogHer that may or may not actually fit. Because, you know, it’s better to have cute clothes than it is to have plane tickets. My logic is damn near impeccable and should never, ever be followed by anyone, ever, unless you want to take a lesson from my personal playbook: “How To Never Get Things Done, Unless Other People Do Them For You.”

It looks like, with 8 whole days until my birthday proper, Vegas is out. DAMN YOU, MR. PINCHY.

Luckily, I’m not all that tied to having to celebrate my birthday on it’s actual date, so I’m going to do it ANOTHER time. Because I WILL celebrate my birthday in Vegas *shakes fist* dammit, I will. I may be celebrating my HALF birthday, but really, what’s it to you? (P.S. You’re all invited.)(P.P.S. I won’t be wearing my whore pants which are STILL MIA).

Today, I’ll probably have to beg The Daver to order plane tickets for BlogHer, so I don’t accidentally book them for the wrong month (which I HAVE done) because I signed a contract saying I’d be there to speak. Poor, poor BlogHer, won’t know what hit them when I open my whore mouth.

Then, I’ll try and find more places to buy cute clothes because it’s been so long since I’ve been clothes shopping that I genuinely do not know where to shop any more. So, Pranksters, where do cute clothes live for someone who likes Anthropologie and uh, ModCloth?

Next, I’ll ask my Pranksters who are going to BlogHer if they’d like to exchange phone numbers so that maybe we can meet up, because OBVIOUSLY. If you WOULD, just email me at That’s my real email address, because I have a sense of humor. Or not, I guess, if you don’t think that’s funny.

(I have about a gazillion emails to return, and I’m sorry, they’ve been having babies in my inbox and I need to get on that STAT)

NOW no one will ever want to give me their number. Whoops.

Blah, blah, blah, if you want to vote for me for Funniest Blogger you can vote once per day.

107 thoughts on “Dress You Up In My Inability To Make Plans

  1. Well,I so want to meet you, too! I emailed you my info already (i think you asked on facebook). Hey, My Aunt Becky asks me to do something, I do it, damnn it! If you didn’t get that info, let me know, and i’ll send it again. When are you speaking? (I’m only going on Saturday, please say it’s Saturday)!

    BTW, I’m going shoping at NYC & Company for BlogHer today. Wish me luck!

  2. Well, you are doing better than I am because while I have the plane tickets and room, I have RUN OUT OF MONEY FOR CLOTHES! Seriously, who can do BlogHer without cute duds? But I DID find this boutique right around the corner from me that sells lots of jersey pieces by indie designers that look a lot like Anthropologie except they’re all priced in the $20-40 dollar range. I KNOW!! So basically right now I’m on the garage sale/making and selling jewelery route to fund my trip to NY. Priorities, baby.

    1. Now I am jealous of your boutique. I’m hitting up H & M this weekend in the hopes that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I can find something that doesn’t look totally 80’s. I hate the 80’s crap.

  3. You know, Vegas has a “New York City” casino. So it follows that NYC would have a “Vegas” somewhere, right? You could kill two birds with one stone.

    BlogHer has got to be the most interesting conferences/social experiments outside of Comic-Con. I’ll be looking forward to your dispatches.

    1. I call BlogHer “Beaver Fest” so from now on, it will be referred to as “Beaver Fest.”

      I also look forward to it. I’ll probably be tweeting a lot about it.

  4. So since it’s always more fun to be totally off topic… your streaks make me miss my streaks. Which were the same streaks. Just, y’know, on me.

    No, that was all, actually. Aren’t you glad you wasted the time reading that? πŸ˜‰

      1. Honestly? I probably will. Just as soon as I can make myself bother. I may wait for my hair to get a bit longer too since right now I have those weird too long to be short but too short to be long bang things happening. Ugh.

  5. H&M! H and the motherfukcing M is THE place I shop. Cute, funky clothes, but WAY cheaper than Anthropologie or ModCloth. Plus they always fit my almost 30 year old ass.

    Go forth and shop, my friend.

  6. I’m not going to BlogHer, although now I wish I was. Even though I have never been able to figure out exactly what BlogHer is. Because I am just that clueless. And stubborn. Also I don’t have a blog right now. But it means I miss Aunt Becky. How very, very sad.

    You don’t think you might mistakenly fly into Philadelphia, do you?

    1. Ooh, forgot to mention…not far outside of Philly, the first and IMO, awesomest of the Anthropologies. Just sayin’.

      1. If you showed up in Philly I might pee my pants. In a good way. Also, I didn’t suggest H & M, although it was a great call, and one that I completely forgot about. That’s because I rarely shop for clothing. I prefer to shop for fabric and yarn, then construct ill-fitting sacks and cute cardigans for myself.

  7. Well. You could always throw yourself a big birthday bash at BlogHer…do it up right with all your pranksters. Just a suggestion (and definitely not made because I am waitlisted for almost all those dang parties we’re supposed to be going to).

    I am intrigued by the clothing on, so you could try there. It looks cute, however, I have never actually ordered anything. So, you know.

    1. I’ll try that site! Awesome. And, hm, maybe I’ll do something at BlogHer. I am going to the parties, but I have no idea if going means ACTUALLY going or just like, uh, walking through on my way to something else. I’m fickle like that.

  8. Okay, you need me to help you don’t you?
    I am so ocd that I make spreadsheets for vacations with activities scheduled, confirmation numbers, addresses, etc.
    Also? You could totally still get to Vegas for your birfday. I used to go to Vegas about 4 times a year when I was doing event management for Hewlett Packard and it is crazy cheap to go right now-even last minute trips. There are awesome hotels on the strip that were hundreds of dollars a night and are now around $120.
    I will be at blogher and will, of course, send you my cell number. Mainly because I know how much you really love me and how your trip would be ruined if we didn’t meet.
    I shop mainly at Ann Taylor, White House Black Market, Loft and J Crew. Loft has some super cute stuff right now and a pretty decent sale.
    I just ordered two sale dresses from J Crew for blogher. I’m packing like it’s a trip around the world-not just 4 days in NYC.

    1. I think I’ll hold off on Vegas until I won’t be sitting in a room, crying. Also, I do need your OCD-ness. I have a gazillion parties I am registered for and not a clue when any of them are.

      1. You could come to Vegas in Novemeber for the Lady Bloggers Society conference/social.
        So here are the parties I am going to and when they are, in case you’ve signed up at least for these you’ll know when:
        BlogLuxe-Thursday from 5-8
        People’s Party-Thursday from 7-10
        Sparklecorn- saturday from 8-11
        Cheeseburgher Saturday from 10-1am
        Also? Get on your airfare-it’s stressing me out for Pete’s sake. At less then 30 days out, cost starts going up.

  9. Imma tell you like I told Miss Angie…check out I know, I know, JCP=fug old lady shiz. Which, yes, there’s that, BUT!!! there’s also some REALLY cute and inexpensive (cuz that just sounds better than cheap) dresses and tops. Especially in the clearance…So good luck with that.
    SN: You best be lettin’ a girl know when you head west. Ok,that is all.

  10. Trust me. You don’t want to go to Vegas in July. Or August. Sometimes September still sucks too. So consider it happy coincidence that you forgot to book tickets.

    And I am still a poser in this blogger world, so please tell me, what does one do at a blog convention?

    1. Um, I don’t know what one does at a blog convention. I went briefly last year and then came home. There is a lot of posturing because LOTS of people take themselves VERY seriously and a lot of cattiness and then there are people like me who roll their eyes at that shit.

      So, I’ll probably make an ass out of myself in front of the very group of people who can then document it, link it back here, and then tell the world what a moron I am.

  11. Phone numbers coming. Can’t wait to see you! Now, just to check, it is proper etiquette when I spot you across the room to holler, “YO, BITCH!” Right?

  12. Poor, poor BlogHer, won’t know what hit them when I open my whore mouth….((This is why I love you so very much!))

    I totally wish I could meet you…maybe next year BlogHer will be in St. Louis?

  13. I’m not going to BlogHer. *sob* Also, I have no sense of fashion or style so I have no idea where to shop.

    Not to make you jealous but my MIL is threatening to force me into visiting Colonial Williamsburg with her and the whole famn damily for my birthday. Did I mention that my birthday is also my aniversary? Did I mention that my MIL sleeps in the hotel room with us?

    1. ACK! Why??? Pay for her to get her own room if you have to, but there is no way a mother-in-law (or any other relative) should have any place in your anniversary night bedroom. Make it seem like a special surprise for HER, her very own room.

      And if you can’t afford the extra room…well, maybe you could just tell the MIL you can’t afford the trip at all this year.

  14. I’m not going – which is oh, I don’t know, odd being that I’m in NJ and I could walk – technically not that I would walk. I won’t walk anywhere. It’s a stretch for me to go get the mail, but that’s neither here nor there.

    So um, where was I?

  15. Vegas will be at a loss on your birthday. Next year come on out, you can crash at my pad. I’m real and some folks will say I’m cool (ask Angie), but few will say I’m real cool.

    1. I’m probably coming out in October or something. I WILL be out this year, just not now. I need to be able to go out with a group of friends and have a good damn time. Not cry in my hotel room sadly.

  16. Holy Crap, Aunt Becky. Our birthdays are very, very close together. Of course, I’m TEN FREAKING YEARS OLDER THAN YOU, which apparently means I’m turning 40, but never ye mind that.

  17. sadly I am blowing off blogher yet again, despite it being a semi reasonable distance from me, but realistically unless it is within an hour drive, which nothing is, I’m never going to make it. And as far as clothes, well, JC Penny, Kohls & Old Navy are high end fashion in my world.

    Can we exchange phone numbers anyway?

  18. You and I are about at the same stage of planning. I have located a flight, but not purchased the ticket yet. AWESOME. Go me. See you there. Hopefully.

  19. Ummm, am going, and sent an e-mail. BUT, cute clothes? I dont DO dresses, do you think they will let me in with cargo shorts (capri style, think KOHLS, and a funky top?

    1. I don’t think anyone will care WHAT you wear. I like dresses, and I don’t know if they’ll fit, but I hope so. I’ve always been a sucker for dresses. But only if I look good in ’em. Mail order is a bitch, yo.

  20. Another reason I am totally upset I am not going to BlogHer! Sigh. You’ll have to tell us all the great stories so I can live through you…

  21. I want to go to Vegas for my 30th birthday too! If I go, I’ll be there the end of November. If you’ve got your shit figured out by then, maybe we can hang out.

  22. You don’t need my phone number, pookie! You can just find me dancing on the hotel bar or slurring into a bowl of peanuts. It could go either way, really.

    I’ll pack some mints for our deep tongue kisses.

  23. I just asked the same cute clothing question on a forum, because I don’t know where to shop anymore either. My daughter gave me the once over recently as we were heading out to her final Kindergarten performance and she said, “Mom, why don’t you put on something pretty?” Mama doesn’t even know where to find that, sweetie.

    Must find the nearest H&M. Pronto.

    Wish I were attending BlogHer. I seriously wanted to hang with the likes of you and discuss 80’s fashion. Maybe even wear some. If I can find some that’s pretty.

  24. Well fuckitall, now you make me want to go. I wasn’t thinking of it as I too am a blogger poser, and am too fat to meet people I like, but mostly it coincides with my baby’s birthday, and what a lame mother I would be to leave town for her birthday. But damn, I will miss you seeing you speak, streaks, whore mouth, and all, and I would hump you whether you got Anthropolgie to wear or not. Bi-yatch, for going and leaving us all behind anyway. maybe I won’t bote today . . . just out of spite.

  25. I loved this post! I don’t have a ticket to BlogHer, have only been blogging about a year, but would LOVE LOVE LOVE to attend.
    Make BlogHer or your trip to NYC fun and exciting. Maybe take in a Broadway show for your bday.
    You deserve it-

  26. alls I can say is that I’m really really glad you bother to write the line at the bottom of each and every post with the vote blah blah link or I just would never make it that far. I can read, but I can’t remember to do something each and every day unless well prompted so, if you want my vote, keep crackin’ me up AND sending me on to the job at hand. Have hoots of fun at Blogher and make sure we non-attendees get to see yer presentation somehow … puh-lease?!

    1. I never remember to vote anymore. I’m doing a TERRIBLE job asking people because I’m all lazy and shit about it. But YAY! Hooray! And I think it’ll be online later? If not, I’ll reenact it for you.

  27. Enjoy BlogHer! And hope some of the dresses work out! (I just got the 4 capri pants that I ordered online, and unfortunately they are all going back. I’m kinda hating shopping these days. Well, for myself. I could shop for my kids all day long. If I had the money to do so.)

    Also, I’m excellent at procrastinating.

    1. Shopping online is a mixed bag (THAT WAS A PUN) and I’m afraid shopping NOT online may be worse because I have NO idea what size I am and I have to go TRY SHIT ON. GAH!

  28. I was going to kid and say I was going to BlogHer, but then I remembered how bad I felt when I learned you were so gullible last year.

    Some year, I’ll make it. Some year…

  29. OK, lurker here. Emailing you my number. NO advice about clothes shopping…in the same boat, so I’ll be stalking this post for your Prankster’s advice.

    Didn’t get to go to Vegas for my 30th, but I DID go for my bachelorette party. Good times. I echo the suggestions to celebrate your birthday at BlogHer. I’ll even buy you a drink πŸ™‚

  30. I am going to BlogHer for the first time, mostly because I live in NYC so I don’t have that whole booking plane tickets for the right month thing to deal with.

    What I didn’t even think about until you brought it up here was that I should have clothes for this event. I mean, sure, I’ll be wearing some, but like, actual nice, possibly new clothes? Never crossed my mind, but now it’s all I can think about. Curse you Aunt Becky!

    1. *shakes fists*

      I’m sorry for making you think of it! I’m all lazy in sweat pants and have nothing that fits me properly because I had kids back to back and now I’m losing the weight but never bought clothes but am STILL too fat to wear any of my OLD clothes and now I realized I’ll be SEEING people who don’t need to see me in my gross SCUMMY clothes and GAH!

      HELP ME.

  31. I try not to make plans because, inevitably, when I do it doesn’t work out exactly how I intended. And when things don’t work out EXACTLY as I intend them to, I get beyond severely disappointed. And that’s no good for anyone.
    Also. Kent buys all of my clothes and I don’t know where he gets them. I also have no idea if they are in style so you probably wouldn’t want my input even if I had any.
    But have fun! xoxo

    1. If Dave bought my clothes, they would always–always–be size Medium. Maybe kids clothes? Maybe Juniors? Maybe Adult Women? ALWAYS size Medium. So I couldn’t send The Daver.

  32. MYSHAPE.COM is awesome, you put in all your measurements and they send you clothes that fit when you order them! As for Vegas dearest Aunt Becky, moving there this winter. Come and visit and we will get drunk… preferably on vodka

    1. Oooh! I am trying that site out IMMEDIATELY. Rock ON! I love you! And I’m thinking I’m coming to Vegas this winter. Once I am not huddled up, weeping a lot, because really, who wants to be around THAT?

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