I’m pretty sure I did something bad to somebody along the way, and this is me apologizing to you, The Universe for all of my past transgressions. And you, The Internet for my Fun-Filled Odyssey that has been the past oh I don’t know COUPLE OF MONTHS.

It must grow tiresome, or at least annoying to constantly hear about What Is Currently Wrong With Aunt Becky, because shit, it seems like it’s ALWAYS something. Because it kinda is. Which I assure you is not because I’ve developed a penchant for the dramatic.

In fact, I hate drama, and the only time in which I was a Dramatic (annoying) Person was in high school when “Oh my GOD. Did you HEAR what SHELLEY did? I am never speaking to her AGAIN. AS LONG AS I SHALL LIVE!” *puts hand to face dramatically* was the way we lived our lives.

Don’t pretend to be above it, y’all. Next thing you’re going to tell me is that you were NEVER dramatic EVER because I won’t believe you at all.

Anyway, my foot is now turning a lovely shade of baby poo yellow tinged with a cobalt blue, and I’m going to be honest: it’s pretty cool looking. It’s weirdness is probably the one thing that has made this whole situation in which I lounge around on the couch noticing how filthy my house has become asking people to fetch me my Diet Coke STAT. I’m not, much as I’d always thought I’d been, the type of person who enjoys lazing about the house making my Sausages do my bidding. I do my own bidding thankyouverymuch.

I’d post a picture of my foot, but you’d only be shocked by my tattoo which covers it up pretty well.

And as for my cervix (is that the weirdest segue you’ve ever heard? I’m thinking yes), my cells are abnormal enough to warrant a full scale biopsy and a coloscopy (the name I’m making up, although that might be it. I keep thinking “colonscopy” which is when someone shoves a camera up your pooper. In case you’re wondering, it’s as much fun as it sounds!).

The Sausagebryo that’s currently occupying my uterus compounds things, so I must wait until August to have this lovely procedure. So that should be fun: knowing that something might be wrong but not knowing for sure for another 7 weeks.

I think I’ve made as much peace with it as I can for now, and I probably won’t be moaning around the house, moping and prostrate with grief. Shit, I can’t hang out in Crisis Mode for weeks on end here, without making my head explode, right? Time, I suppose, to hurry up and chill the fuck out.

*sighs*

Moving on away from boring news onto My Kid May Be A Complete Weirdo News, may I present to you a Ben story:

Me: Did you have fun at the pool?

Ben: Yes. I went down the big slide.

Me: Sweet!

Ben: And I didn’t even care that the lifeguard came! I didn’t feel ANYTHING.

Me: Huh? The lifeguard?

Ben: Yeah, he pulled me out of the water.

Me: ………..

Ben: I didn’t feel ANYTHING when I went under.

Me: …………

Ben: Can I go back to the pool with Matthew again?

Me (strangled out): SWIMMING LESSONS. you need SWIMMING LESSONS.

Is it any wonder my hair has been going gray since I was 20?

Comments = full of the awesome. Like gravy. I can haz an RSS RSS feed .

38 Responses to Drama Queen Of The Sausages

  • SciFi Dad says:

    “I didn’t feel ANYTHING when I went under.”

    Uh… what exactly happened? Did you ever find out?

    And August? Holy crap… we have to wait two weeks for the CPC ultrasound and I don’t know if I’ll make it.

  • Chris says:

    Hey Aunt Becky,

    Man, I’ve been so busy and stressed out at work that my daily visit to your blog has served as my escape…

    I really need to get a wi-fi service when I go to the Philippines this summer so that I don’t have to keep running to internet cafe just to keep up with your blog…

    Thanks a bunch

  • heather says:

    There is always something wrong with me, too, so I don’t think you’re a freak. That’s what you said, right? That you’re a freak? Man. We are a couple of freaks.

  • As American as Apple Pie says:

    What fun is life if there isn’t any drama? BORING!

    You just keep all those sausages on their toes.

  • As American as Apple Pie says:

    Oh, and prayers and well-wishes going to you and the mini-sausage you’re currently cooking.

  • deb says:

    I must admit I was a little worried when you segued into the cervix discussion – if I couldn’t see a pic of the foot I REALLY didn’t want to see one of your cervix. But, whew!! That’s not where you were going thank god!
    I posted a pic of my foot – maybe yesterday – the days all run together. It was of my tatt, not neessarily my foot though.

    Since you have to worry way more about Ben’s swimming lessons right now – these 7 weeks will fly by.

  • lindz says:

    i think its called a coloposcopy. my friend bex, went through that shit.

    Um, yeah, I almost drowned after going down a water slide too. I had to be saved by a lifeguard too.

  • g says:

    I want a pic :(

    As much as I hate statistics, isn’t the rate of abnormal cells on the cervix pretty high? A friend of mine had this and gets paps every 6 months to monitor, but so far so good. I refuse to think something is really wrong with you (well, besides the mental case…). I prefer to think you got a false positive, esp after the two m/c. Your cervix is just speaking up, being a little attn h00r. She says, enough of the foot… what about me?

    Hang in there lovely. And SWIMLESSONS… holy shit!

  • Ames says:

    Seven weeks seems like an eternity of waiting… I will reassure you though by saying that I have a friend who had a miscarriage and shortly after had abnormal cells and it turned out to be nothing and she hasn’t had any issues with abnormal cells since.

    I so wish I could see your foot right now… I’m a little disappointed that I can’t…

  • Vered says:

    I’m sorry.

    I’m glad you are able to laugh about it.

    It will be OK.

    That’s a scary story about the pool! Yes, sounds like swimming lessons are in order.

  • tash says:

    there’s nothing quite like dumping a pile of shit at your door and then telling you that you can’t do anything about it for 2 months. That’s really the basis of unfair, right there. I’m so sorry.

    I actually had an “abnormal” read come back eons ago (like when I was 22), and at the col . . . whatever, everything came up normal. I did repeat paps every 6 months for 2 years. I’ve been normal since. I hope it’s the same for you, sweetie. But the headache is AGONY.

  • Candid Engineer says:

    Oh, I’m glad it’s not a colonoscopy. Shitting yourself silly while pregnant just sounds rather awkward.

  • Sara says:

    Damn dude. Just damn…

    Swimming lessons, NOW! (At least he has a cool story to tell, gotta give him that!)

  • Katy says:

    Colposcopy. I’ve had one. Won’t hurt much at all. Don’t stress yourself. Seriously. My first ab pap came back just before I got pg with Girl#1 and the Dr opted to wait until after she was born to do anything. Just fine. Altho, I was stressed at first. I’ve had a few irregular ones since and a colposcopy. I’m just fine. Hang in there. Deep breaths. Maybe yoga will keep you feeling calm? Thinking of you lots.

  • Coco says:

    Hey…you knew Shelly too? What a pain in the butt that girl was. ;)

    Anyway, I had the same ride on the Cervical Merry-Go-Round From Hell myself in 2002. Colposcopy (basically a giant close up of your cervix – doesn’t hurt, but is kind of surreal when your Gyno wants to point out landmarks – I was all ‘Lady, this is why you get paid. I don’t wanna look ANYTHING on my freaking cervix!”), followed by a biopsy and LEEP procedure to remove the abnormal cells. That was an outpatient procedure for which I got loaded on some pretty sweet drugs. Apparently, I was singing show tunes. I had no cramping and only a little bleeding afterward.

    I ended up having moderate to severe dysplasia, which basically translates to “lots of abnormal cells”; DX due to HPV infection. No cancer and 5 years later, no recurrence and no more HPV detected. The really good news is that some of these types of things resolve themselves; a follow-up pap may simply reveal that there are no more abnormal cells. Even those that don’t are generally VERY slow-moving and can just be monitored while you’re incubating Sausagebryo. After babe makes his grand entrance you’ll likely be able to take care of biz just like I did if any procedure is required.

    I know that doesn’t make your 7 week wait any easier but I thought I’d bore you to tears with my cervix just in case.

    Glad your boy was rescued promptly. That’ll take 5 years off your life, huh?

  • Mumma Boo says:

    I had one of those, too, and it turned out to be nothing. I think it’s called a colposcopy (and it’s much easier than a colonoscopy!) Like bad sex, the probe is in and out in no time. (Although you will feel some *discomfort*. Dose up on the Tylenol before.) Like a few of your other readers said, you probably got a false positive. Even though the waiting is going to drive you nuts, doing the procedure in August is a good thing. Give Sausagebryo some more time to grow, and you to get past some of the wilder hormonal shifts, because that can affect it, too. Ain’t biology grand?

  • PiquantMolly says:

    I am an entire collection of diagnoses, dearest — I certainly understand. If it’s not my aching head, it’s my intestines, my pelvic bones, my teeth, or even my uterus.

    You and I. We share more things than you think.

  • I HATE laughing at others misfortune but you force me! I think you should find a hideous cane to use so that when you show up for your cu#%!oscopy in your duster and a hairnet people will understand that you are all about the drama and leave you the heck alone. In the meantime, use the ugly ankle and sickly hoo-ha to your advantage! Woudn’t it be cool if Shelly was the tech that got to prep you for the procedure??

  • Karen says:

    I love Ben. That is great. He is too tough for lifeguards.

  • Judy C says:

    Did you make your apologize to the universe before or after Ben went swimming – because if it was before you may want to light a candle or a hundred and throw in a couple of Novenas.

  • pamajama says:

    You are not even a bad complainer, not in the least little bit. When off the wall, frightening, weird shit happens you’re supposed to express yourself. This is what makes people like you so much. You are expressive!

    Your kid, on the other hand, is scary funny.

    I want to know about this tattoo . . .

  • b says:

    Swim lessons stat! Brave little guy, didn’t feel a thing. He’s BADASS!

    Don’t worry bout the drama..it seems to follow me too. Sometimes I think I create it…..but then I realize..it’s really everyone elses fault, not mine. Take care of the sausage embryo and yourself!

  • DC says:

    I’m sorry about your broken cervix. And don’t worry about the drama. I think normal, non-dramatic people are pretty fucking boring.

    Since I’m sure your answers will make me laugh, I just tagged you for a meme! Please stop by and check it out:

    http://lupuspie.blogspot.com

    Hope you have fun with it! :)

  • Kristine says:

    I was a lifeguard. Those damn kids going down the slide that can’t swim are ALWAYS having to be fished out. Good for you on your swimming lesson demands.

  • honeywine says:

    Oh babe, I can’t leave you alone for a minute. Be as dramatic as you want here! It’s not like the sausages will let you get away with it at home. ::hugs::

  • Edward says:

    Oh girl talking about drama…oh I hate it too and I am never dramatic…really!!! Ok I was when I was younger, like way younger….think” little bitch throwing all the drama around that one could possibly imagine time 10.”

    Now well I’m a dignified queer transman….no drama is us queer transmen you know lol!

    You know this abnormal cell things sounds serious…I’m so glad you have the little “growing” but how worrisome and concerning to have to be worrying about abnormal cells when you shuld be enjoying the “sausage.”

    Hey I had a sigmoidoscopy….its when the Dr. puts a scope up your pooper while wide awake…no knocking you out or giving you something to relax like the colonoscopy. It was no fun when it felt like the Dr. was going to shove it back out my throat. Turns out I have the nicest colon he has ever seen. Thank God cuz that type of cancer runs in my family.

    Take care and please feel free to whine bitch complain moan cry or whatever!

  • Heather says:

    Ah, Becky, am I going to have to buy a plane ticket? Cause I totally will – I hardly need much encouragement to get out of the sweltering, mosquito-ridden South – and you need some help. I’ll even hold your pregnant foot and get you Diet Cokes.

  • Geez, how much can one person take?

    I see you have a child without fear. I have one of those, too. Scary, isn’t it?

  • Lola says:

    Drama makes the world go round. No worries. I think you must post the foot photo. The tattoo makes it all the more interesting. I’d post a pic of the giant hole left in my mouth from the wisdom tooth extraction today if I could, but I did bring the tooth home just in case I want to photograph that. Thanks for the well wishes!

    As for Ben, I’ve got one just like that, and it’s all good. If that don’t scare him, he’ll be swimming like a pro in no time.

  • Jenn says:

    You know, I don’t think you are dramatic at all. In fact, most of the time when you think you are, I’m thinking, “Wow. I’d be whining and complaining way more than she is.” And I don’t even consider myself to be all that dramatic, honestly. Unless we run out of ketchup.
    AND even if you did decide to become dramatic, you shouldn’t have to apologize for it. You certainly have just cause!

    That super sucks about the abnormal cells. I’m really hoping it turns out to be nothing and at least your little “sausagebryo” (love that, by the way) is still doing okay in there. I do think it’s weird that they aren’t just doing a second pap to make sure first.

    Anyway, I’m thinking of you and you know where to find me! xoxo

  • Rebecca says:

    Oh, you poor thing! I hope your foot gets better soon. I hope your abnormal cells turn out o.k. (That sounds weird, but you know what I mean, I hope.) And I hope your son’s swimming lessons go well. :)

    That’s a lot of hoping.

    (Here from NCLM…)

    Rebecca

  • mandy says:

    7 weeks huh? I am sorry. I still stand by my, “try not to worry…” schpeal. Don’t drive yourself crazy.

    He WHAT? That’s crazy. Where was the other kid’s momma? Did she mention anything to you? I am such paranoid nutt, I couldn’t have handled that conversation!

  • Kate says:

    Here form NCLM. Yes, swimming lessons!

  • Kristen says:

    I totally don’t think you are dramatic, although that could be because I am! I think you underplay actually. You are allowed to feel. You are allowed to freak out or be afraid. You are allowed to cry and scream, you are going through so much sh!t right now and my heart is aching for you.
    I am praying for you each and every day, my thoughts are with you dear Aunt Becky.

  • Holly says:

    Goodness I just want to wrap you up and take you away. I have had those procedures as well. Take a nice fat 800mg of Mortin before it and you shouldn’t feel much of any of it. Sorry you have to wait so long though. Just think it’s for the saftey of bean.

    Yeah mine are in lessons now too. Monkey decided that there was nothing wrong with jumping in the pool with his arms straight up in the air (he knew better but did it anyways) – therefore causing his arm floats to slip right off. Down he went. Luckly an older boy was right there and he pulled him up faster then we could get to him.

  • quietgirl? says:

    We can go gray together. I noticed my first blatantly gray hair at about 24. Seriously, it is like a badge of honor now. I earned this gray bitches! Recognize!
    Good luck with the foot, the sausages, the cervix, and all other things. For me the 20’s have been a long shitslide, and I hear it’s the 30’s where life starts to get a little sweeter. Hold on eh. Sip your diet coke and start meditating on whatever bit of zen you can find, wherever you can find it. It’s all about surviving the shit long enough to forget how bad it was, and to the extent that you can’t block it out, for it to remind you how much better things are a few years down the road.
    Hold strong Becks. Hold strong my sister :) Better things are around the corner most surely.

  • A Soldier's Girl says:

    Life wouldn’t be any fun with drama!

    I can’t imagine having to wait that long for something so….sucky! Hopefully it will turn up nothing.

    And your son has no fear…that’s a good thing! But, yea, swimming lessons might be a good idea :)

  • baseballmom says:

    Colowha? Don’t you fucking hate it when medical people scare you? When I was pregnant with Alex, the doc told me not even to tell anyone because I had a HUGE ovarian cyst (8 lb) and they didn’t know if it was cancer. Then the stupid insurance wouldn’t pay for me to see the ONLY gynecological oncologist around here, until the dr. wrote a note to them. When I went there, the ultrasound tech was a friend from a long time ago, so she got the doc to tell me what he saw (no cancer) right then, instead of waiting for him to get the results to my ob, then to me. Everything will be okay, girl.

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